I don't understand and feel bad.

[Imeni]

I've read alot of posts here in the forums and I don't really understand something. To be in a relationship, you need two people who love and care for each other. Through thick and thin. And yet, I see posts of people who have been together for, well, almost as long as I have been alive and yet they either just have or haven't quite gotten around to telling their SO about dressing, either at home or out and about. My question is, why?

Like, I'm not exactly one to talk here. I'm only 25 but have done this all my life. Up until recently, I told exactly NOONE about it. Slowly, I summed up the courage, very cautiously, to tell my best friend. She was very cool about it. And slowly, I've told many other friends of mine, who are all sworn to secrecy about it. Some don't care, some like it, and oddly, I have one friend who finds me even more sexy in a dress than in jeans which frightens me a bit but I digress.

The first thing I ever told my current girlfriend of almost a year together was that, I recently started doing it again as I had some money and bought myself some clothes. (I never really got the concept of purging.) And that, this was a big part of who I was. So if we had any intention of moving the relationship past the bedroom, she would have to be at least ok with it. I didn't want to be involved with someone who could judge me at all. She had zero problem with it, and appreciated the fact that she was one of the first people I ever told. And she, to this day, has been the only person to see me do it which makes her even more special in my books.

Is it just the timeset that makes it harder for people to be open about it? I get that the older you are, the times were different and you just didnt tell anyone about anything. But I mean, deep down, even a small part of you has always known. Or at least been just a tiny bit curious. Once it developed, why didn't you bring your SO into it? And that's really where I feel bad. That there just wasn't ever a good time to tell, and once you did, it opened a large can of worms that just couldn't be closed and changed your life. I just don't understand people who can openly judge others. Especially those whom claim to love you until things get wierd.

[*Vanessa*]

Ya, I don't get that concept either, to a certain point anyway. All things being equal, then where is the equal in the partnership. Where things are not equal then the dynamic changes in the relationship. Why? I have no idea.

[Joanna41]

That question should be directed toward all the GG's who don't like it too much.

Joanna

[cassandra54]

i don't understand it myself. until the last two years i really only crossdressed as a fetish except when i was younger. now i just enjoy being a woman and enjoy it. i am still growing in this area and my SO is right along there with me. she knows everything i do.

the point is though if two people are close, how can a secret like this be kept? me and my SO spend time away from each other but we always tell each other what we do. there is a lot of trust between us, even though we don't always agree on what the other might do when we are on are own so to say. and you are right, in this day and age when everything is so fragile, why do we keep secrets like this?

i understand the point about keeping a relationship going, but is it worth it if you have to hide things about yourself?

[PaulaAnn]

I told my wife that I was gay and dressed.......she accepted the fact I was gay ,but she was pretty pissed at my crossdressing.She absolutely wants no part of it........we have come to an understanding and remain together.....it works for now but ......
Paula.

[Stephanie47]

Well, back in the day before Al Gore invented the Internet, and, the only sexual reading material (The Kinsey Report) was locked in the librarian's desk, I (we) was scared to even think about anything so perverse as wearing women's clothing. Anything outside of the relationship shown on Leave It to Beaver or Ozzie & Harriet was frowned upon. To be divorced was to be branded something "bad." For a woman to wear pants may lead to arrest or harassment in some jurisdictions. We just suffered with self loathing, torment, etc. To be found out to be a cross dresser was more stressful than engaging North Vietnamese Army regulars in the jungles of Viet Nam. Keep in mind women were raised with the same mind set. Go with the flow. What would a girl do if she and her friends found out the boyfriend was a cross dresser. Well, there were plenty of available men to pick from. All positive attributes of a man were cast aside because society said we are freaks. Gays and lesbians were freaks. A bi racial couple would be beat up or worse. Inter racial marriages were legally forbidden in some areas.

So I (we) just suffered and hope for the magic bullet to "cure" us, i.e., marriage. It does not work. So, if a wife learned your "dirty little secret," just maybe the marriage could weather the storm as long as it was "their" secret. As late as the late 1970's I knew of women who ran off to divorce court when she found out about the husband's cross dressing. Maybe, as long as the spouse knew and nobody else, the marriage could survive. If it became other than a secret, it was over.

Fast forward to today. The media (television, movies, etc) is full of the old "sexual perversions." Gays, lesbians, same sex kissing, white-black kissing and relationships are all seen as acceptable and normal at least on the coasts. Enlightenment has not spread to the rest of America, except on an individual basis of acceptance.

I (we) did not know and still do not know how to bring the subject up to a wife. Screaming and yelling are to be accepted. The woman has to analyze the new 'elephant in the room' which nobody wants to acknowledge. My marriage survived because she weighed the scale of justice (marriage). I am no different than before she found out. And, I would say I was a better husband and father because I was a cross dresser. Even if I had difficulty early on accepting myself, I found that I could not cast dispersions on others for who they were. It is no easier telling a spouse today than it was forty years ago. Why? Because I am telling a loved one there is more to me than meets the eye, and, there is always the fear of rejection. Once the Genie is out of the bottle, it's out of the bottle forever.

[*Vanessa*]

...i don't understand it myself.... there is a lot of trust between us, even though we don't always agree on what the other might do when we are on are own so to say.

This is nice Cassandra, I am happy for you.

However, "Trust" is only a concept that resides in your mind. It is your thoughts and love of your S/O that prevail, not the S/O trust in the relationship. The level of trust we have for one another changes moment to moment and we see it as some huge solid mass called trust.

I agree with Joanna, ask the GG why they don't. I think it there is a huge division between fetish and as bi-gender people. No one is going to go upto anyone they just met and say "Hi I like standing on my head while I ***-bate ".

[AlannahNorth]

That's an admirable point of view that you have.

The era and the surroundings in which we were all raised are a major factor. The longer you've been around, the more associates and friends you have (well - should have...) that know you as they have always known you. Upsetting that is somewhat daunting - and - is it worth upsetting?

Personal relations with an SO is a different matter. Deceit will come back on you big time, much better to be up front here.

We live in a (I really HATE to say this) political world full of prejudice, fear and misunderstanding. Human nature is not really all that nice - just read your news, watch Judge Judy, listen to the gossip - and you will see it. There are some outstandingly good people out there - but they must be searched out - and when you find them - treasure them if they become your friends.

For the greater bulk of the people that come into your life you must weigh the pros and cons and decide accordingly. I prefer to fight battles that I can win.

If you don't mind possibly alienating everyone you know and starting fresh - well then go for it. If I were 25 I would seriously consider the idea.

[cassandra54]

Well, back in the day before Al Gore invented the Internet, and, the only sexual reading material (The Kinsey Report) was locked in the librarian's desk, I (we) was scared to even think about anything so perverse as wearing women's clothing. Anything outside of the relationship shown on Leave It to Beaver or Ozzie & Harriet was frowned upon. To be divorced was to be branded something "bad." For a woman to wear pants may lead to arrest or harassment in some jurisdictions. We just suffered with self loathing, torment, etc. To be found out to be a cross dresser was more stressful than engaging North Vietnamese Army regulars in the jungles of Viet Nam. Keep in mind women were raised with the same mind set. Go with the flow. What would a girl do if she and her friends found out the boyfriend was a cross dresser. Well, there were plenty of available men to pick from. All positive attributes of a man were cast aside because society said we are freaks. Gays and lesbians were freaks. A bi racial couple would be beat up or worse. Inter racial marriages were legally forbidden in some areas.

So I (we) just suffered and hope for the magic bullet to "cure" us, i.e., marriage. It does not work. So, if a wife learned your "dirty little secret," just maybe the marriage could weather the storm as long as it was "their" secret. As late as the late 1970's I knew of women who ran off to divorce court when she found out about the husband's cross dressing. Maybe, as long as the spouse knew and nobody else, the marriage could survive. If it became other than a secret, it was over.

Fast forward to today. The media (television, movies, etc) is full of the old "sexual perversions." Gays, lesbians, same sex kissing, white-black kissing and relationships are all seen as acceptable and normal at least on the coasts. Enlightenment has not spread to the rest of America, except on an individual basis of acceptance.

I (we) did not know and still do not know how to bring the subject up to a wife. Screaming and yelling are to be accepted. The woman has to analyze the new 'elephant in the room' which nobody wants to acknowledge. My marriage survived because she weighed the scale of justice (marriage). I am no different than before she found out. And, I would say I was a better husband and father because I was a cross dresser. Even if I had difficulty early on accepting myself, I found that I could not cast dispersions on others for who they were. It is no easier telling a spouse today than it was forty years ago. Why? Because I am telling a loved one there is more to me than meets the eye, and, there is always the fear of rejection. Once the Genie is out of the bottle, it's out of the bottle forever.

so true, times have changed. we no longer work 7 day a week, take vacations. women work and sometimes are the majority breadwinner, men no longer take child brides or participate in arranged marriages women have the right to vote and tell their partner of their sexual dislikes and likes. people get married or stay together because the have true feelings of love and intimacy, not because being married an having children was the thing to do even though you might hate your spouse. people speak out with the political, and religious beliefs. we've had the civil rights movement, the war on poverty, the war on drugs and the war on illiteracy. consumers in droves voted not to buy inferior products like electronics and cars by buying better ones, no matter where they were made. we have gay marriage, gay couples adopting conceiving and raising children, polyamory and the list of things goes on and on.

so yeah, you tell me, after all those changes why is it such a big deal that men show a gender preference, dress in women's clothes and have such a hard time telling loved ones? i understand not talking about this at work or letting all your neighbors know, but your close friends, family, spouse, SO, really?

[*Vanessa*]

so yeah, you tell me, after all those changes why is it such a big deal that men show a gender preference, dress in women's clothes and have such a hard time telling loved ones?

It's hardwired into our brain. To build the best human you need 'also' the biggest, strongest, best provider possible to produce the best possible great great grandchildren. Cross-dressing is an attribute that we, as straight men to transsexuals, have that flies in the face of that logic.

[CINDYO]

No GG ever wants to learn that her husband is a crossdresser. You are correct, this information should be disclosed very early in the relationship. Take it from me, it is devestating to have no idea and by some means learn of this 20 odd years after the wedding. I am still having a terrible time trying to figure out if it is for me. My husband goes onto internet site a few times a day, i wonder why he is doing this. If he is late coming home I wonder if he really is where he said he was going. I suppose my point is, all trust seems to be lost with such a revelation and it is really up to the SO to attempt to restore that trust. I wonder what other secrets there may be that he just is not being honest and telling me about. So yes trust is the basis of a relationship and without that there is nothing.

[AlannahNorth]

BINGO! You got that one right Vanessa! Rewiring the human brain - a worthwhile goal if there ever was one.

[joandher]

After Cross-dressing for nearly 60 yrs, here in the U.K. it was illegal many years ago and if found out you would be taken to court or a hospital and treated with electric shock treatment in a mental institute,also you could be beaten up and branded as a pervert,
it wasn't until the internet and television that people started to understand and some people still wont except it
You are very lucky these days that it is much more out in the open


Hugs

J-JAY

[Alberta_Pat]

I think that a lot of this boils down to the lessons we learned as children.

There was a time when any activity that was outside the norm for the age group and societal class was frowned upon, and sometimes openly despised.

As our society progresses towards the future, many of the "contrary ways" of some sub groups are becoming more acceptable. But, only amongst the younger generation.

Many of the elder members here still have not been accepted in their dressing. This is because the culture that we have grown up in is unaccepting. Perhaps in a few years, clothing choices will be more on a personal taste, rather than a cultural one. We can only hope.

[Rianna Humble]

That question should be directed toward all the GG's who don't like it too much.

Why ask the GG's who dislike the fact that you have hidden a majjor element of who you are from them what your motivation was in lying to them about who you are?

[Karren H]

You didn't read the fine print!! "Through thick or thin... (Contract becomes null and void if one of the signaories is discovered to be a pervert)

[Joanne f]

There is so much information and openness about it now so i can understand why you might think that but when i started out doing it many years ago you were basically on your own and not quite understanding why you done it so it was difficult to find anyone else who understood what you were doing so you were inclined to keep it a secret and like all secrets the longer you keep it the harder it is to come out in the open with it for you not only have the secret to come out with you also have to explain why you kept it a secret for so long to the person that you have been sharing your life with so you get caught in a web of emotions as to whether you come clean or not after so long and that can be a hard decision to make for some , you have to remember that it was not that long ago that if you were know to be gay then they would give you electric shock treatment to try to cure you thankfully things have moved on from that but do not be to hard on the ones that stay in the closet as they feel like they have very good reasons to do so and they could be very real for some yet others could find that they could have been out a long time ago without serious consequences the problem is until you are out you just don`t know

[ReineD]

And yet, I see posts of people who have been together for, well, almost as long as I have been alive and yet they either just have or haven't quite gotten around to telling their SO about dressing, either at home or out and about. My question is, why?

The internet changed everything. And also the growth of gay rights since the 70s/80s.

When people a generation before you were your age, they thought the CDing was sick or deviant behavior. Everyone thought this: GGs, GMs, and also CDs. There was very little information about it. There still are many people who do not understand what it is all about, but I think younger people are at least more open to finding out what it means.

[cassandra54]

It's hardwired into our brain. To build the best human you need 'also' the biggest, strongest, best provider possible to produce the best possible great great grandchildren. Cross-dressing is an attribute that we, as straight men to transsexuals, have that flies in the face of that logic.

sadly i think this a process of selective reasoning. it's okay for someone to be an artist,doctor, lawyer, engineer, or any other profession or walk of life that routinely challenges anything that is hardwired into our brains or that which is logical.

einstein was a genius for discovering the theory or relativity. thomas edison invented the light bulb, franklin discovered electricity. these people were probably all regarded by society as maladjusted nonconformists. there was a piece on 60 minutes about the life and death of vincent van gogh. they said he was rebellious, had fits of anger and was a societal misfit. my SO and i looked at each other and laughed, knowing that all of those attributes apply to me. me who is a writer, photographer, someone who has a really unique mindset and does a job that requires me to challenge and ask questions.

no i am not saying that i am anywhere in the arean or zipcode of some of these great minds. what i am saying that if any of these people were discovered to be a crossdrsser or tg, it would be no surprise. but boil it down to the work-a-day people we have on here that are and somehow it comes out as perverse or wrong.

don't get me wrong, i think some things in society should never be changed, but peoples attitudes about gender preference and identity are long overdue for an overhaul. it starts with each one of us gaining acceptance and respect from ourselves, our loved ones, friends and families.

[Kittyagain]

The answer to the OP question is very easy. Relationships based on love survive almost anything, those that are not, don't.

I guess(WAG) less than half are based on love for a point of reference.

The others, convenience, pier pressure, someone to wash your clothes and cook, and just seemed like a good idea. I know this is cynical, but life seems to show this as true.

Kitty

[Kelly DeWinter]

My question is, why?

If you examine your own experience I believe you DO understand Why.

I'm only 25 .....
What took you 25 years to tell anyone ? imagine yourself 25 years from now when your kids ask yo the same question.

but have done this all my life. Up until recently, I told exactly NOONE about it. ....
I think this statement alone shows you understand why.

I just don't understand people who can openly judge others.
you do understand them, it's the way people make you feel, because you are not like them.

Especially those whom claim to love you until things get wierd.
everyone had a different level of what is weird.

As I read your post it reminds me that every generation is more tolerant, and I would love to be 16 again

[*Vanessa*]

cassandra



Seriously, you crack me up..

List a bunch of men as reason women do what they do..



Priceless - I'll have some of what you've been into today.

Love your humor.!

[jillleanne]

Oh contraire, the gg's that have found out did not find out prior to the relationship, for the most part and lot liking 'it' should read,' not like being kept out of the picture by the loving honest spouse' whom the gg trusted enough to marry. There's alot more to it then just not knowing for the gg and anyone that does not get it, needs to take a reality check. I too was guilty of the same issue, but I did tell her after two years together. We are now at 12 and going stronger than ever. Not all are as fortunate, but many are.

That question should be directed toward all the GG's who don't like it too much.

Joanna

[VioletJourney]

What I don't get is how wives of CDs can be so unwilling to let their husbands do it. I mean, marriage is a partnership, right? Not slavery?

[eluuzion]

"Why?"

In my opinion...Procrastination induced by the fear of facing what they perceive as the negative logical consequences.

I believe CD behavior and concealing activities to the exclusion of your SO are two separate issues, that are typically being misconstrued here as being a single issue. Doing so enables the opportunity to present the issue as an SO that is not able and/or willing to accept some facet of their partner's behavior. The focus shifts to an exercise in building a laundry list of faults of the SO, that are being unfairly leveled against the "innocent, honest intentions" of the CDr's behavior.

This is quickly used as a sedge-way to slide into a pedantic dissection of the definition of "lying" by concocting "technicalities" that exclude virtually every behavior that is suspect.

Attempts to corral the runaway train and steer it back into a realistic issue, which is the act of deceiving and/or excluding the SO from intimacy/honesty/and sharing in a relationship is usually short lived. (because nobody is willing to suggest or admit that lying and deception is not a circumstantial issue...it is a character issue). At best this topic is minimized. I believe many "know" it is the primary issue, but few are willing to admit it. Just my opinion of course...

Again, much of this turmoil can be attributed to this...

It is not that we can find the answers, it is that we refuse to see (and/or acknowledge) the real problem(s).

just my thoughts...nothing intended to be taken "personally"...