I don't understand and feel bad.

[docrobbysherry]

According to me!

U form a great relationship with your GF. Unless u need to dress all the time, or go out that way, u don't mention this "hobby" u dabbled in but don't plan to continue.
She doesn't mention her "experiment" with her female college roommate either!

Everything is super! U tell each other EVERYTHING that is important and/or relevent. So, U don't mention your web porn visits, she doesn't mention she bites her toe nails!

U love each other very much! U get married!
The first 3 years r your honeymoon. Unless u have kids during that period.

Next, u will likely go thru what the minister who married us called the, "Tunnel of chaos"!

Your marriage now requires effort, compromise, and possibly some very unpleasant conflicts! It's not much fun anymore, it's work!

U get stressed. Your desire to dress increases exponentially! Now, r u going to tell your SO what you're doing in private? Knowing it COULD be the last straw?

If you've never been married, then in your imagination, u may say, "Of course"! But, in REAL LIFE, do u REALLY want to make your life together THAT MUCH MORE DIFFICULT? Maybe u WON'T!

[Eryn]

People have explored the changing attitudes of society over the years, along with the impact of the media and the internet.

Let's consider these and their impact on the crossdresser, namely me.

Growing up, had the normal exploration with Mom's underwear and pantyhose. The only other contact I had with women's clothing was the Sears and Wards catalogs. No Victoria Secret in the mail every third day back then. For some reason I knew that dressing in Mom's things Was Very Bad and besides there were plenty of other things to get my attention, so CDing didn't really develop.

Off to college. More liberal environment, a few girls around, but what would be worse for a young man than getting caught with a stash of women's clothing in the dorm? Again, CDing is present, but not explored enough to really develop an understanding. All I knew was that I had in inordinate interest in women's clothes and makeup, but I explained it away as an interest in women themselves. After all, I was a geek that wasn't exactly drawing the ladies like flies.

Out of college and into the working world. Work that included government contracts, security clearances, and stern-faced men with polygraphs. Not exactly a situation that encouraged self-exploration. Once again, the interest was there, but was suppressed before it could be given much consideration.

Somewhere along the line I found some social skills and managed to get married. Did I tell her before we were married? Tell her what? That I had a vague interest in women's underwear and makeup which I was still mistaking for an interest in women themselves? Heck, that would go away now that I was married, and besides, there was still the thought of that stern-faced man with the polygraph to keep me in line.

Of course, being married put me in much closer contact with many items of interest. I felt like a diabetic in a candy shop. After a few years I experimented a bit more, very cautiously so as not to get caught as I knew that what I was doing was Very Wrong.

A few years go by, children are born, and I change careers. I no longer have Mr. Polygraph Agent hovering over me. The Internet even comes into my life. I still don't research my "interest" because I considered it perverse. I do talk to my wife a bit about it, but don't really talk about its importance to me because I don't really acknowledge it myself.

Then something happens. Perhaps male menopause or perhaps the perfect storm of having my wife and children go on a trip leaving me at home alone. I spend a few days experimenting with her things and finally decide "what the heck, why not go all the way?" and spend some time fully dressed (or as fully as I could be at the time).

I finally come to the realization that this is something that needs to be dealt with, not just a little peccadillo that can be hidden away as I had been doing for 20 years of marriage. The stress of hiding it is causing problem between me and my wife. I finally get on the Internet and do some research. My eyes are opened as there are not just a few people who CD, but thousands. I'm amazed to find that most of them don't consider it to be perverse at all.

After quite a bit of thought and introspection I come to the same conclusion. After many false starts and too much waiting futilely for the "perfect moment" we finally have "the talk." My wife wasn't happy, there were tears involved, but we kept at it. Since then we've worked together to help me understand myself better and to allow me to express and experience the joy of being Eryn.

So, perhaps a bit long-winded, but I hope this explains why, for us Olde Folkes, coming out to our spouses wasn't nearly as clear-cut as your experience. A huge part of my experience was the difficulty of coming out to myself, which had to be resolved before I could address the issue with my wife!

Eryn

[Imeni]

I will take some time, as I have three days off coming up here to respond to each of your statements, which all make total sense. But the one i really want to respond to was someone on the first page who took my original post and broke it down in red. Most importantly, I feel the need to respond to the question, "Why did it take me twenty five years to tell someone."

First, you have to take into account that the first five don't really count as your a toddler and you have no real idea of whats going on. So really, It's only about twenty. But yes, It did take me awhile to tell someone. Throughout my entire life, I've been an outsider by choice. You know, some kids look wierd or act strange/out of the norm and get cast down. It happens.

But me, my grandpa told me something before he passed that stuck with me and made me view the world differently than most. "Take the world as you see it. Remove the happy people, they aren't really happy. Take the ones who are mean and hurtful. They are actually so sad that they cant express it any different. Girls are the most amazing creatures in the world. Treat them right. Act like a kid for as long as you can, and no matter what people say, you aren't wierd or stupid. You are unique. You are here because something in you needs to be part of this world. Never be ashamed of who you are, because you never know. Maybe that dorky kid in school becomes a billionaire. And you'll be his best friend. Who doesn't want to be friends with a billionaire?"

I never liked people. I never trusted them. What I took from what my grandpa said is, everyone lies. Everyone is watching out for themselves first. Never give someone the power to make you feel small. Therefore, when I felt ashamed for crossdressing, and not even so much the dressing itself, as much as using the clothes that weren't mine. That's what bothered me. And by telling anyone about it, as i didn't really have anyone close to me till after high school when I started dating, I would be giving someone power over myself, the power to make me feel small which means that I'm not looking out for number one.

But then, I met "Suzie". My god, I knew from the moment I saw her that I was meant to be with her. And she was the second person I ever told. The first was to a friend whom I never really considered to be close till one day I noticed that she was like my only friend. And we talked for hours at a time. I was meeting her boyfriends, going shopping with her, spending the afternoons with her and her baby at the mall doing nothing. And she's so spiritual and open minded that one day she asked me straight up if I was hiding something. Sure enough, I probed a little bit. Asking about how she judges people, how open minded she was, etc. And she said that she knew there was something about me, nothing horrible, but something so big that I've hidden for so long that I just told her. And she asked if Suzie knew, and I was planning on telling her when we had our first date, which i did. And things sort of just opening up. People I didn't think could handle it are now close friends, ladies who donate old clothes, and if not my size go shopping online and post links on my facebook page (my one for crossdressing, that is). There are times where I wish I could tell my mom. I think she'd be fine with it, to each their own. Whatever makes me happy, she'd say. But then, she'd tell my step dad. Who is awesome but im sure would bug me and tease me, all in good sport, but then slowly, leak to other people who wouldnt be so open minded and just...ugh.

This post sorta spiraled into a story but, I didnt tell people so much out of fear, as much as, I didn't feel the trust in anyone to confide in. Especially because I didn't know just what being an openly commited crossdresser would imply to people. Why do people assume because I like to wear a dress, I'm gay? Is it like a Stereotype or something? Or do people just not know any different?


On a totally seperate note, I decided to tell my roommate/friend since High school about it as we could have moved, had we not been outbid on the house, and alot of my dresses are much too big to just stuff into garbage bags, and I didn't want him to just see a stack of big, poofy dresses and be all, "Oh my god, he's gay!!" and wig out or whatever. He's not exactly an open minded person. But he knows better than to cross me, I learned him a lesson a few years back. It stuck. But he was all, "Oh. That's cool. But like, can I ask you not to just start wearing dresses around the house? I don't want to see that." And I wanted to hit him. I told him, "Dude. Seriously. You've lived with me since I moved out of my parents place. I didn't tell you because I thought you would just move out and I need a roommate who i can trust. Never have I just strutted around in one, right? I'm not about to start now. But I thought it would be fair to you that you knew. Especially if we moved to a place where closet space isn't exactly an option. So all my stuff would be on hangars in the open. Better you know now before I find out you're gonna leave."

[Kate T]

Imeni

A number have said it here on this thread why it takes so long for many to tell their SO's about TG feelings.
Number 1 reason it is easier now is definitely the availability of information and personal experience via the internetespecially but also via other media sources.
Number 2 reason is a greater society acceptance of GLBTA community and a general tendency for society to be more tolerant generally.
I would also suggest one reason why you do not understand is because you are fortunate to have clearly a very strong sense of self worth and great support through your upbringing from your grandfather. Many here would not have had this supportive growth environment and consequently low self worth, depression and all sorts of other things affect them that cloud our judgement of what is the true and best choice to make.

[Patty B.]

What a post, Stephani 47, hassummed itupas well as could be done, very accurate. It was a whole different time and attitudes and being 58 I grew up at that time and what a difference between now and then. Doesn't make it right not telling your spouse early on, just my opinion.

[jillleanne]

'Marriage' up until recently I suppose, was loosely defined as an man and a woman forming a union, a bond of truth, love, and trust between the two. Years later, the woman discovers her husband whom she loved unconditionally over the years, has carried a secret prior to the union that he apparently just forgot to mention to the woman he was marrying for better or for worse. Why? How does one reasonably explain to someone else about their gender enhancement if they themselves do not understand it, never have in the past and still don't. The cd however, has learned many things along the way ; they have learned to fear losing their jobs, their families, their secret they somehow feel is wrong to express, but cannot stop expressing, how to be a prejudice person just like the rest of society, shame, fear, embarrassment, degregation, the list goes on, a list compiled primarily of social behaviorisms designed by old school scholars and leaders. The only things the cd knows for sure is most likely, they have had this physical and mental force since birth and the force remains a constant in their lives. There is no medical explanation, no publications available, no professional to chat with casually about it on the golf course either. There are however, far too many people in society that openly like to condemn, punish, or even hurt anyone they think do not conform to a description of social behavior seen as being 'normal', in their eyes or their peers through which they themselves received their unintentionally hypocritical teachings. And now, after some years pass, we simply expect our s/o to jump right on board and accept this secret like it's just a simple tooth ache that will pass in a couple of hours. Hello, knock, knock, is anyone in there? An ideal society we ain't and will not become any time soon.
Let's look at it from another perspective; If society cannot get past being prejudice against others simply because of color or race, how long do you really think it will take to get acceptance of gender expression? I'm not holding my breath. Segregation still exists in the south, BY CHOICE!! if one can imagine. Disgusting at best to think we still have not accepted peoples as just that, peoples.
If you want the true answer to your question, look no further than the mirror in your washroom at home. Look deep and you will discover all the answers you seek. Do not blame the gg for the confusion you have caused in the relationship by not being upfront about who YOU are, that job was yours way back when and you failed to reveal your true identity. Do not blame the gg for not accepting you from the git-go; she grew up with the same social definitions and prejudices that kept you from announcing to the world who you really are. Do not blame the gg for questioning what other secrets you are holding, what lies may be hidden, what mysteries you hide within? To wonder is simply human behavior. To question, is reasoning based on facts revealed.
If accepting gender enhanced people for who they are is so easy and simple, why have you not told your family, friends, employer, etc?

[Valerie1973]

Yes indeed marriage is to be a two way street and a woman should be duty bound to stand by her man. But that's not the case for a great many of us. As for me, I believed keeping my mouth shut was not lying. I never really told her about by dressing. But she soon found out and it, and it was a silent acknowledgement which turned into a "don't ask, don't tell" situation.

After 10 years of marriage it finally surface up into a all day tear filled discussion. I always knew she would't like it and also, it is and was a very difficult subject for me to explain or confess. This is very personal and private for me. You all here only know.
So, her response was she had known the whole time and exclaimed that she loved me and that she could and would put up with it and it's our secret. But being the woman she is, now she has analyzed it to a point whereas all the questions came up, am I gay, am I pretending to be some one else, 10 years of were wasted, why bring kids into the world, then finally she admitted she'd been holding back too and not giving me all her love because of resentment of my secret. Because I kept it from her or she just can't fathom to see me that way, I don't know.

With my wife some days it's chicken and some days it feathers. We both loose now because either I'm loved for someone I'm not or be hated for someone I am. When I explained to her nothing has changed with me and I've been the same guy the whole time then why say we love each other. Why bother to say she can live with it but for me to be discrete and she never wants to know or see it and she apologized for not being supportive. Here I am right back where I started. I'm doing my best not to make everything be about me, or mine. I've put it away for a while but now I'm as about as confused as my wife. I love her to death, we have had good life, it's not about crossdressing, we have allot on our plates, kids, a mortgage, Its not that easy just up and leave.

However, lately we have grown somewhat closer too. It's weird, we fight for each other's love. Yes indeed we could both benefit from some sort of counselling. Oh yeah, a good marriage counselor will help us but as soon as my dressing is brought up, that it.

We both have to work at it. It takes two to tango. For the fortunate couples here on this site it's because two work at it. I have to admit, lately I've stepped up more and she has been changing her attitude for the better. In the end, we're still men and just got to man up sometimes. Good luck all. This is a crazy business we're in and you can't blame em sometimes. Ciao

[docrobbysherry]

What a wonderfully educational post, Valerie! For those that haven't experienced marriage themselves, it should be required reading!
Thank u for a glimpse into the, "Tunnel of chaos"! And, how difficult, but possible it is, to make it thru! Sounds like u 2 will. I HOPE u do, anyway! Sadly, I couldn't!

Yes indeed marriage is to be a two way street and a woman should be duty bound to stand by her man. But that's not the case for a great many of us. As for me, I believed keeping my mouth shut was not lying. I never really told her about by dressing. But she soon found out and it, and it was a silent acknowledgement which turned into a "don't ask, don't tell" situation.

After 10 years of marriage it finally surface up into a all day tear filled discussion. I always knew she would't like it and also, it is and was a very difficult subject for me to explain or confess. This is very personal and private for me. You all here only know.
So, her response was she had known the whole time and exclaimed that she loved me and that she could and would put up with it and it's our secret. But being the woman she is, now she has analyzed it to a point whereas all the questions came up, am I gay, am I pretending to be some one else, 10 years of were wasted, why bring kids into the world, then finally she admitted she'd been holding back too and not giving me all her love because of resentment of my secret. Because I kept it from her or she just can't fathom to see me that way, I don't know.

With my wife some days it's chicken and some days it feathers. We both loose now because either I'm loved for someone I'm not or be hated for someone I am. When I explained to her nothing has changed with me and I've been the same guy the whole time then why say we love each other. Why bother to say she can live with it but for me to be discrete and she never wants to know or see it and she apologized for not being supportive. Here I am right back where I started. I'm doing my best not to make everything be about me, or mine. I've put it away for a while but now I'm as about as confused as my wife. I love her to death, we have had good life, it's not about crossdressing, we have allot on our plates, kids, a mortgage, Its not that easy just up and leave.

However, lately we have grown somewhat closer too. It's weird, we fight for each other's love. Yes indeed we could both benefit from some sort of counselling. Oh yeah, a good marriage counselor will help us but as soon as my dressing is brought up, that it.

We both have to work at it. It takes two to tango. For the fortunate couples here on this site it's because two work at it. I have to admit, lately I've stepped up more and she has been changing her attitude for the better. In the end, we're still men and just got to man up sometimes. Good luck all. This is a crazy business we're in and you can't blame em sometimes. Ciao

[paulinescotlandcd]

What I don't get is how wives of CDs can be so unwilling to let their husbands do it. I mean, marriage is a partnership, right? Not slavery?

Well, that is the weekend over and despite being married 33 years and telling my wife before we married I think my wife still has issues seeing or even knowing I am in the house dressed. My son was working a shift, 12 noon till 6pm. I would have loved an afternoon of fun but my wife dragged me to the shops and all we bought was a couple coffees and a muffin. Of course she suggests when we get back at around 3pm that I have some "fun". Hardly worth it when you also add in that she also wanted a few jobs done around the house first.
My view is that CD'ing is incompatible with most women. Feeling just a tad ticked off at the moment. It is my birthday tomorrow. What would I like most? How about just one day in the house alone.

[Valerie1973]

Thank you Sherry, marriage isn't easy. I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out. Some women just cant see past this. You are a bright star who will shine for someone some day. Hugs- Valerie

[kimdl93]

The question presumes that every relationship is the same - that each partner in a relationship will always accept and support the other - no matter what. But the reality of relationships is different. And CDing just isn't acceptable to some GGs - for a variety of reasons.

Personally, I doubt that the prevalence of the internet has changed that, but I do think society is gradually becoming more accepting. Still, you'll find that many of us have been in relationships with more or less accepting women that actually pre-date the internet.