It's another long-winded "Coming Out to SO" story

[HunkyDory]

So many "coming out" stories, so many wonderful, intelligent opinions and sterling advice to muddle thru. I spent time reading many of them, culling as much insight and wisdom from others. So I am adding my story to the collective.

This is multi chapter story so please bear with me.

Chapter 1. Coming out to my wife- again.

My wife found out early in our relationship that I liked to wear womens lingerie. She was accepting of this though she stated it really didn't do much for her so I never really pursued that passion with her. Our relationship grew and we married. 21+ years later, 3 kids, 2 cats, 1 dog, life is okay. All thruout our marriage she has known of my secret passions and suspected I dabbled with the lingerie at times without her. She had placed all my feminine articles high in the closet so the kids wouldn't find them... she knew. I wouldn't deny it if she mentioned it but it was rare it was brought up. I guess we had a "out of sight, out of mind" policy about it.

According to her, I have long been denying who I am and needed to learn to accept myself and tell her why I am so closed and distant at times with her. I have my issues, true. Been to therapy for depression and stress, even was on anti-depressants for a while. At times we argue over stupid stuff. She tells me how my actions and selfishness have hurt her. It was never my intention to do so.

To say that I have been honest with her all these years about my CD'ing activities would be a lie. The desires to dress more fully have become more evident inside me over the years. This is my secret I kept from her. She knew I was hiding something. (Her intuition is pretty spot on)

To explain my feelings, my desires, my needs about dressing was coming to a boiling point. I am feeling rather cornered and I put myself in that place. If I can't trust my wife who can I trust?

My car is at the shop and I need to collect it. She drives me there. I take the opportunity to broach the subject in transit. I open up with light talk about our relationship and touch on my CD'ing desires. Her response is that she doesn't understand it completely but that I just need to accept who I am. I do accept it but she's not sure to believe me. We banter a bit back and forth about that point but 10 minutes into the conversation it isn't going well. I back off. I can't pressure her right now. We are speeding down a highway at 65mph so I can't freak her out behind the wheel. I don't want us to be next day's news story on page 1... "Husband and wife die after losing control of car. Woman dies with a shocked look on her face. Man found wearing a bra and panties." Oh not good.

Several days later we talk again. I thought it best to discuss it over a bottle of wine sitting stationary at home. I take her to the couch and we sit down. So I say it, "I am a crossdresser dear. I have been for many years." She knows. Then I open up and tell her my desires have increased over the years for my wanting to dress more. She stares into space. I don't know what she is thinking. I tell her that this is the toughest thing I had to admit to her and I am so terrified that this revelation will push her away and make her want to leave me. I am prepared to answer her questions if she had any, and to answer honestly.

And she has some tough questions. <panic, stress... I want to avoid them> No, I promised to answer the best I can, as nerve-wracking as it is. She must process this info and find where she fits in the relationship now. I listen and I respond to her. She listens and takes it in. I feel awkward and vulnerable. I can sense she is a bit confused.

I ask,"How do you feel about this?". Surprisingly she said that she was not angry, glad that I was honest with her, but disappointed. She didn't elaborate on the last point. She can be very analytical and must absorb as much information on a subject before she forms an opinion. At this stage I must back off and let her find her own answers. I gave her my truth, THE truth. She now has to either accept or reject it. And I have to wait to see if she can come to terms with it and if there are any boundries to be set.

With tears in my eyes I tell her she is the one I trust with all my heart and that I love her so. She softly says to me, "I love you too. Now, don't you feel better that you spoke the truth." I do. She is amazing.

[HunkyDory]

So now I have spilled my guts to my wife. I'm thinking the next couple of days will be tense between us. I don't plan on bringing up my dressing at all. I just want to let her absorb it. This time also gave me a chance to reflect on my actions in the past and how I affected her.

Last year I began a journal that described my thoughts on my intimate relationship with her, those desires and fantasies, in the hopes she could understand what I was thinking when we were intimate together. It was a chance for her to see a side of me that I don't really talk about directly to her but only "hint" about. Things we could possibly do together to spice up our marriage. She is allowed to read it at any time but she claims she has never cracked the cover. I found that it helped me a bit as I work thru my emotions, desires, fantasies, etc. After I opened up to my wife about my latest revelations I began to review the last few months of our relationship and how I came to this point.

Several sticking points came out when we argue. She said at times I am selfish. That I put myself first over her and my family. And that she sometimes feels alone, a single parent, and no best friend to go to when she has a problem. She's right. What I jerk I have been. I bring out the journal and decide to write down what can I do to at affect some change in my life that would be positive for our relationship. I start a list of action points that would help me focus on her, not me. Things to strive for change in my life.

1) Always pay attention to what she says.
2) Make time for her.
3) Be mindful of what I say to her and How I say things to her.
4) Be helpful. Find ways to go out of your way to help her. Relieve her burden.
5) Be her friend. REALLY be her friend.
6) Kiss her more. Make a habit of it.
7) Touch her in a way that conveys love and caring.
8) Tell her you Love her. And mean it.
9) Before I make any plans make sure I consult her. Include her whenever possible.
10) Give her some time off. She works hard too.

I stopped there, thinking this was a good start. Maybe I can thing of a few more later. These are points that many other partners already know and follow so these are not new revelations to post in Cosmo. I just had to acknowledge them to myself. So I began to follow these points. I helped her out more with the kids. Helped her with some cleaning. Paid her more attention. Kept more in touch with
her. Kissed her more. Rearranged my schedule to ease her burden of running around with the kids. Things I really should have done a long time ago. Wow I dropped the ball on my part.

Later that week she came into the room. I could tell she was stressed a bit, her schedule was a bit mucked up with the kids so I interjected. "Dear, I'll take the wee one to her event. You stay home." She asked me, "Why are your being so nice to me? You've been like this for a few days now" She knows that this is not my SOP. I tell her I need to change in our relationship, to respect her, and not be so self centered. Even though I had dropped the CD bomb on her my past actions on how I related to her wasn't helping our relationship. I tell her she can use the break. I hug her, kiss her on the forehead and tell I love her. I just want to help. I pull back to look into her eyes. She is crying. I ask her what is wrong. She says "Nothing is wrong." She hugs me back. Now I am crying. I've reconnected with her. The warmth of real love... feels wonderful.

That evening we go to bed. She is going to visit her parents for the weekend and is taking the kids with her. As we are lying in the bed and chatting, we are casually discussing our week and what are plans are for the weekend. She says to me, "well you will have the house to yourself for a day so you can have some personal time". I respond back, "Yes, I have a couple of things I can do. Some work in the garage, need to build something, cut the lawn..."

She turns to me and says, "no dear, I mean you can explore your dressing a bit if you like."

"Oh, yes, there is that too. TY dear."

Did I mention that she's wonderful?

Chapter 3- Work In progress...

[Danielle Gee]

Dory: This is such a sweet story, I'm trying not to cry. It seems you've found a way of telling her your feelings in a way see responds to. Your "list" seemed like a good idea too. I hope everything works out for you and please keep us posted.

Danielle

[reese.reese]

It looks like this is going really well so far. Good for you

[Mary Morgan]

Thank you for taking the time to remind us all that our relationships are better when we truly love and appreciate each other.. Gotta run and help with the chores, more!

[brenda b smith]

all I can say... Thats AMAZING and im so proud of you. feels good to commuticate with someone that close to you is a strong relationship

[jillleanne]

A perfect scenario Dory and not so far from mine as well. You have a very special lady in your presence and must recognize that as I know you do. Doesn't it relieve alot of internal pressure mentally and physically coming out to her? Now the thing to do is give her lots of attention, go slowly and soon she will probably mention to you some evening when there is just the two of you there, that if you would like to dress up a bit, go ahead. Telling someone daily how nice they look and something as simple as opening her car door goes a long ways, especially today in a hectic society. So happy for you .

[pinto]

Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts. This is very interesting and gives me courage to do the same or at least act similar. You are very honest and upright and this may be very important for SO's in order to accept. Your wife can be happy with such a partner and I wish I can reach the same stage of honesty and love. My compliment!

[Cynthia Anne]

So many long storys get boring half way though them! Yours, I can hardly wait 'til chapter three! Thank you for sharing such a wonderful and inspiring story! Hugs to you both!

[Tora]

Well done, Good Luck as you move forward. Nothing in life is more important than family. The love and respect with your wife will spill over into the kids. At 60+, my wifes side of the family has been a wonderful base for our family. As a grandparent, it just gets better. Wonderful story, great wife, a keeper!

[Christina Horton]

Well done. Looking forward to hearing the rest. Please hurry I hate cliff hangers.

[kimdl93]

Wonderful to hear, in such detail, your coming out process. You really illustrate a sound method for working things out. What impresses me most is that you've both been able to talk, at last, about something that has always been unspoken, and in the process it helped open up communications about other parts of your relationship. As Christina says, "well done".

[Sheila11]

[QUOTE=HunkyDory;2636344

1) Always pay attention to what she says.
2) Make time for her.
3) Be mindful of what I say to her and How I say things to her.
4) Be helpful. Find ways to go out of your way to help her. Relieve her burden.
5) Be her friend. REALLY be her friend.
6) Kiss her more. Make a habit of it.
7) Touch her in a way that conveys love and caring.
8) Tell her you Love her. And mean it.
9) Before I make any plans make sure I consult her. Include her whenever possible.
10) Give her some time off. She works hard too.
...[/QUOTE]

Really good list. It can be so easy to take another person for granted. Even someone you love.

[Piora]

Dory.....such an emotional roller coaster ride! But I detect such compassion in you....such a love for your wife. And obviously, she loves you very much, too. I think that this whole thing has been good for your marriage. It is going to make it even stronger. You're both obviously working so hard to deal with this issue. With all that you have going for you here....who could think anything but that some real good is going to come out of this. I think if you take baby steps with your Dressing, then that's the way you are going to come to a common ground here.

As I said, it is obvious that your wife loves you, and as long as you keep talking, really talking.....then you are going to be OK. I can feel it.

[billie earls]

Dory this is a great story, please keep us informed on how everything is going.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Dory,

Thanks for reminding me and all of the other girls that it is Not all about us, marriage is a two way street and we always need to think of our partner first if we want her to think of us.

[AndreaCD1963]

So many long storys get boring half way though them! Yours, I can hardly wait 'til chapter three! Thank you for sharing such a wonderful and inspiring story! Hugs to you both!

Agreed!!! All too often I skip over or quickly skim the long ones to save time. I too am looking forward to #3. thank you

[HunkyDory]

TY all for such kind words. I am so glad I found a forum of such wonderful people. You all have such stellar advice when someone poses a question or problem. And there is also such compassion and acceptance here too. I don't think I would have approached my wife without this forum to guide me.

As for my chapter 3 it will be a bit of time to see where this all goes. Both of us have many things we have to deal with first in our lives. I think my dressing will take a back seat for now but at least I am comfortable with myself and where I stand. As we get thru this upcoming holiday season I hope we both can bond closer and find a better nirvana that we can both be happy in. She may be okay with meeting Dory and help me with exploring. Maybe she doesn't want to participate but will give me the time to find myself. At least she knows and I don't have to hide from her, afraid of what she will think.

Take care all. -D