Just told the wife! what should I do now?

[Sandra]

A lot of good advice....keep talking to her answer all her questions as honestly as you can, if you can't answer a certain question then say so do not lie to her because in time she will find out if you have Listen to her worries and concerns but also ask her to listen to what you have you have to say, about how the cding makes you feel, how it is a part of you and whilst it can lay dormant, chances are it will never go away completely.

One other thing I will say is that an SO's acceptance/support can take time and by that I mean years, the more you push the longer she will take, that of course is if she can accept/support.

try and get her to join here and then join us in the FAB forum, she will find wives/partners who are at different level's with their SO's and she'll get a lot of help and advice.

[*Vanessa*]

Just told the wife! what should I do now?

Run for the hills !!

No really read all the posts in this thread, again..

Besides I think you know her best of all. Trust in yourself.

[Alberta_Pat]

The one thing I see missed in this discussion is: "The LIE".

We all have many reasons why we do not share certain aspects of ourselves. This may be done intentionally, or not.

It is easy for a partner to produce: "You lied to me" when a monumental truth is revealed. This puts the "teller" at a disadvantage in the discussion. There are only 2 responses that can be made to this statement. Neither will help to defuse a situation.

The first is "denial". This will only generate negative feelings on both parts, and prevents an open honest discussion on the important "revelation".

The second possible response is total acquiescence. In this case, the teller will withdraw, and the subject will almost always remain as an argument point. Any further attempts to explain will often generate hard feelings, preventing a peaceful resolution.

It is much better for the teller to admit a fault at the outset: "I have been having a hard time finding the way to tell you ...." Then ask for the listeners help in understanding. In this manner, the teller remains in control of the discussion which is ideal.

In this particular situation, the OP can now say something to the effect: "I am not asking you to bare your soul now, but I am sure that there are things that you have not brought up to me. Perhaps they are things that seem unimportant enough to share, due to my apparent lack of interest. Or they may be things that you feel may put a wedge into our relationship. Whatever is the case, we don't need to deal with them at this time. Only when you are ready will be soon enough for me. Please remember that I love you."

I wish you the very best of luck in working through this setback.

Pat

[Kittyagain]

After I told my wife, I vowed to myself that I would do all the things for her that I refused to do in the past. That I would never argue with her on anything (within reason of course), never do anything to make her mad and do anything she asks me to do right away. Basically, anything my wife might say she would change about me, I changed for her (except the crossdressing part). Not because I think I can make her forget, or because I think I can make up for what I put her through, but because I wanted to show her how much she means to me. My wife noticed and thanked me for being so thoughtful and what not, and I told her my reasons for changing. Our relationship has literally never been better. We shop together, get mani petties together, wear lingerie together, the works. I am not saying this will work for you, I am not even sure it worked for me. I guess what I am saying is, you have to prove to her that besides your kids, she is still the most important thing to you, and not the crossdressing. You have to explain that crossdressing is just a part of you, but that she is everything to you.

Good luck, we are all hoping for the best!

Great advice! It makes for a great marriage.

Kitty

[kendra_gurl]

The one thing I see missed in this discussion is: "The LIE".

Pat

Threads on this site are full of post about its not the dressing but that he lied to me all these years. How can I ever trust him again?

While I understand all of us don't want to be lied to or lose the trust of our spouse I can't help think wives use that as an excuse to be mad and upset about instead of really dealing with the issues which made him feel the need to hide it.

It makes me wonder if anyone who wanted to come out to their wife has ever tried this.
Your both in the bedroom in a playful mood. He's lying on the bed watching her undress and says Damn that bra is so sexy on you the way it cups your breast and pushes up that beautiful cleavage I love seeing. And those panties are so silky and sexy they have to feel so wondeful, Do you mind if I try on you panties and bra?
A week later he asks the same again but this time also talks about the smell of her perfum and makeup and how excited it makes him to see her wearing it so May I try some on too?

Tell me wives.. could you handle all the the worrying and about where this all could lead to or about his masculinity any better than finding out he had already been secretly been doing it for years?
Is the fact he had been hiding it really the issue?
Is he really a different person than what you KNOW him to be or is it that hes a different person than what you WANT him to be?
Is he really putting his crossdressing before you?

The quote Lie has been hashed over many many times about if its a lie or an ommision and without going into that, and agreeing with what others have said about marraige does envolve discussing many things prior to making any body changes, Married couples all need their own space and time away from each other. No marriage last with total and 100% complete honesty. If you really believe it does your quite naive.

Marriage vows are meant for a reason and should be honnered. But is dressing up without anyone knowing when your all alone really breaking those vows?

[SweetPea_GG]

It makes me wonder if anyone who wanted to come out to their wife has ever tried this.
Your both in the bedroom in a playful mood. He's lying on the bed watching her undress and says Damn that bra is so sexy on you the way it cups your breast and pushes up that beautiful cleavage I love seeing. And those panties are so silky and sexy they have to feel so wondeful, Do you mind if I try on you panties and bra?
A week later he asks the same again but this time also talks about the smell of her perfum and makeup and how excited it makes him to see her wearing it so May I try some on too?

Tell me wives.. could you handle all the the worrying and about where this all could lead to or about his masculinity any better than finding out he had already been secretly been doing it for years?
Is the fact he had been hiding it really the issue?
Is he really a different person than what you KNOW him to be or is it that hes a different person than what you WANT him to be?
Is he really putting his crossdressing before you?

it would make me very uncomfortable if (before I knew any of it) my husband while laying in bed asked to try on my bra and panties or perfume etc.. I would probably then end up questing him.

yes its partof the fact that it was hidden for years and years that there is a totally new side to him that I wasnt aware of and that he did not disclose to me to let me decide if really I wanted this in my life. In my situation my husband is a different person now that all of this has come out in some ways. The way he is on the forums here is totally different then how he is at home.. no it doesnt make him more kind or soft or whatever everyone else says they are compaired to other men who dont CD.

I agree all relationships need space etc.. but when something is done behind the others back and then the trust is broken and must be built up again.. if that trust isnt built up again and that person continues to hide even though the other person wants them to be more open with communication you start over all over again..

I think I kinda get tired of some responses on here of how really its not so bad to hid it he was just doing it to protect you or come on its just clothing it doesnt change who he is or the person you married.. it is much MORE then just clothing.. if it was just clothing then people would not have the urges and the NEED to dress feeling then they need to throw things and then a few weeks later going to go buy it all back to feed their need. You would be able to go long periods of time without CDing with no problem.. you might even be able to never CD again.. but its not just clothes its so much more then that.. which then leads into really they are the same person YET there is another part to them that they didnt disclose with their wife.. the one they vowed to be with forever.. to love and to honor... they did not allow them to know about that side which maybe the wife is not comfortable with and she has EVERY right not to be comfortable with.

So it is not some silly excuse for us to be mad or upset... thats the LAST thing on earth that I want is to be mad or upset with my husband the one I love deeply and have promised my life to.. Unless you have had someone that close to you hid something VERY important about themselves from you for YEARS AND YEARS and you find out by accident you will NEVER know the emotions that run through your mind in the beginning and the feeling of being deceived be someone you hold so dear and put all your trust and faith into.. someone who was your rock.. someone you knew you could always count on to be truthful to you.

[kendra_gurl]

SweatPea thank you for a very honest responce.

I hear all that you are saying and I'm so glad you did not take my post and questions with offence and as that was not my intention.

[eluuzion]

If you try and do not succeed, Cheat
Repeat until Caught,
Then LIE.

Remember…
You did not get in trouble for LYING
You got in trouble for lying Badly…


Ok, bad advice… sorry about that. I will try to be serious now.
Let me see here…I guess this qualifies as an “emergency”. Our family emergency plan is still posted on the front of my refrigerator from 10 years ago…let me run downstairs and grab it.
Ok I’m back. Here is what it says:

Family Emergency Plan:
~RUN!~

Ok, let me take one more run at catching that serious train…

The best option I can see in your particular situation , is to keep trying to talk with her. If/when she does agree to sit down and continue talking with you, let her do the majority of the talking while you concentrate on listening…and try to avoid asking any “Close Ended” questions that can be answered with a simple “yes or NO.”

Good Luck,

Everything always works out well in the end,
Unless it doesn’t…

[Jenniferathome]

Sara, the only thing you can do is talk about it. I'm sure your wife has all the standard questions: Are you gay? Do you want to be a woman? How long has this been going on? You have to answer these questions for her. Talk and time is the solution.

[SusanCACD]

Eluuzion, you are still funny as hell!!
Susan

[cdsara]

she is now saying the only way she can deal with it is for me to stop. dont know if I can do that! I have been this way as long as I can remember. She thinks its an addiction that I can just stop. Why am I hurting anyone. I cant even wrap my head around all this!!

[Jenniferathome]

as you will read from many others, talking is all you can do. Offer up this site as an objective place she can go to see what other SOs are going through. Talking is all there is.

[Alberta_Pat]

I think it may be time for some individual and couple therapy. you both need guidance form an uninvolved person at this time.

[Genifer Teal]

Tell her you love her and want to work through this together, when she is ready to talk about it more.

[angela2112]

This isn't going to help you and for that, I'm sorry......But try seeing it from her point of view. She married a man, she expects her man to dress like a man. There must be all sorts of stuff going through her head......Is he gay?....does he want to be a woman?....why on earth does he like to wear dresses?

I've never understood why some cd's can't tell their wife before they marry.....could and most certainly would save a lot of heartache in the long run. She either marries you or she doesn't. She accepts it, she marries you....she doesn't and she doesn't.

Saying all that, what's done is done. She needs reassurance, lots of it....hopefully you'll be ok.

Don't think I've posted on here for a couple of years or more. Crossdressers (me included) are so selfish. Self loather?...maybe.....Realist?.....absolutely!

[LeaP]

[QUOTE=angela2112;2644674
Crossdressers (me included) are so selfish. Self loather? ... [/QUOTE]

What's the purpose of this statement in the context of this thread? To suggest that CDing is something that can be sacrificed? If so, that's a pretty strong prescription, at least to anyone whose identity is fundamentally involved. Maybe the hobbyists can stop. I spent 50 years trying and could not. And the self-loathing gets so extreme it undermines your life. It's a miserable, miserable way to live.

Angela, I apologize for my strong response, but your post really triggered some anger. Really? You don't understand why people can't tell their wives before they marry? I'm happy for you - truly - if you never experienced the psychological difficulties, conflicts, and dissonance gender issues can cause, but I can assure you that it is literally not possible for many of us until desperation and circumstances make it possible. Some exit by suicide instead.

Tgsara, ask yourself this: did you actually "lie"? Did you deliberately deceive? Did you lead a double life? Or did you suppress? You don't have to answer here, just be honest with yourself. If the former, your wife has identified a real, core issue and you've undermined the relationship. If the latter, the "betrayal" is far less relevant (in reality, not that your wife won't feel that way) than the new dynamic in the relationship and your psychological issues. Either way, counseling ...

Lea