Why do you...........................

[Toni Citara]

Okay, then please answer this... at what point in a dating relationship should a man tell a woman he is a crossdresser? After two dates, five dates, six months? What if the man really, truly loved her and the moment he shared his "secret" she dumps him, tells all their friends, posts the shit on facebook, twitter, tumblr, and the guy is publicly destroyed, eventually loses his job, (officially not for being a crossdresser, cough cough).

Don't say it won't happen, because being "outed" as a Hetero-Crossdresser has destroyed a lot of lives.

...Ted doesn't say... I like to wear women's clothes... He lied, he deceived.

[Rianna Humble]

Okay, then please answer this... at what point in a dating relationship should a man tell a woman he is a crossdresser? After two dates, five dates, six months?

There isn't a fixed number of dates, but a relationship should be built on mutual trust and if you don't tell her it can only be because you don't trust her. Whether you express that mistrust as a fear of negative reaction (you don't trust her to take it well), as a desire to "protect" her (you don't trust her to be able to cope with this knowledge) or any other excuse, it still comes down to a lack of trust.

If you don't tell, you also lie by omission because you deceive her into believing that you are something other than what you really are.

As for the expressed fear of being dumped and publicly outed, I have two comments:

1 You don't have to drown in order to test the waters, and in the same way you can gauge her reactions without going al the way to full disclosure since you do not trust her to react well to the full disclosure.

2 Since you cannot trust her, she is not the right person to be your life partner

[ReineD]

Okay, then please answer this... at what point in a dating relationship should a man tell a woman he is a crossdresser? After two dates, five dates, six months? What if the man really, truly loved her and the moment he shared his "secret" she dumps him, tells all their friends, posts the shit on facebook, twitter, tumblr, and the guy is publicly destroyed, eventually loses his job, (officially not for being a crossdresser, cough cough).

I think as soon as serious feelings develop. This can take a few months. Also, by that time you'll have a chance to assess her character. If she seems the type to be petty and vindictive, this isn't someone you'd want to choose to spend the rest of your life with, is it? So in this case you might just want to break off the relationship and find someone else you could share this with.

[msginaadoll]

How bout because she really doesnt want to know. What she wants from her husband is a man (whatever that means and nothing else) Because in no way would it help the relationship and might end it.

[J'lyn GG]

How bout because she really doesnt want to know. What she wants from her husband is a man (whatever that means and nothing else) Because in no way would it help the relationship and might end it.

I can agree she doesn't WANT to know, but she NEEDS to know. For her and for you. My husband is a man. He's all the man I need. Him keeping the information from me certainly didn't help the relationship and it almost ended it. But he has admitted to lying and has spent time making up for that lie. In the way he treats me and addressing all of my worries and concerns. And dealing with the rollercoaster of emotions without frustration.

[xd-tigger]

I don't, my wife knows every aspect of my dressing. I would never lie to her about as she accepts me for me, and she likes it. I'm truely blessed to have her.

[Toni Citara]

Well, if the guy trusts her, confides in her, and bears his soul... and she is disgusted, and flips out, tells him to hit the bricks, etc., then SHE did not love him. If SHE loved him, she would accept, embrace, and encourage everything about him. Just like he embraces and encourages her to be everything she wants to be, lawyer, doctor, candlestick maker.

...Since you cannot trust her, she is not the right person to be your life partner

[Rianna Humble]

Well, if the guy trusts her, confides in her, and bears his soul... and she is disgusted, and flips out, tells him to hit the bricks, etc., then SHE did not love him. If SHE loved him, she would accept, embrace, and encourage everything about him. Just like he embraces and encourages her to be everything she wants to be, lawyer, doctor, candlestick maker.

You are still trying to find excuses for the fact that you don't trust her enough to even check out how she would feel about you cross-dressing. You are projecting something that you don't know as a cop-out.

To repeat what I said, if you cannot trust her (whether that be because you are unwilling or because she betrays that trust) then she is not the right person to share your life.

[Toni Citara]

The question is "how do you know you can trust her?". Even when a guy truly, honestly believes he can trust her, and when he confides to her - and she destroys that trust.

Some of us have been there. Once bitten, twice shy. Or in the case of some of us, three or four times shy. LOL

You are still trying to find excuses for the fact that you don't trust her enough to even check out how she would feel about you cross-dressing. You are projecting something that you don't know as a cop-out.

To repeat what I said, if you cannot trust her (whether that be because you are unwilling or because she betrays that trust) then she is not the right person to share your life.

[Jennifer H]

I have been married for the last 41 years and my wife still does not know that I cross dress. I have four lovely grown up children and they don't know I cross dress. My mother is still alive and she does not know I cross dress and I know that if I told any or all of them then I would loose them and I am not prepared for that to happen so yes I lie every day and will keep on lying for the rest of my life.

[sara.s]

I'm dating another crossdresser! No need to lie

Then you both must be hiding the crossdressing issue from each other.

[rebecca.cross2]

Okay, then please answer this... at what point in a dating relationship should a man tell a woman he is a crossdresser? After two dates, five dates, six months? What if the man really, truly loved her and the moment he shared his "secret" she dumps him, tells all their friends, posts the shit on facebook, twitter, tumblr, and the guy is publicly destroyed, eventually loses his job, (officially not for being a crossdresser, cough cough).

Don't say it won't happen, because being "outed" as a Hetero-Crossdresser has destroyed a lot of lives.

Toni, that is just the price of love. Nobody said that being a crossdresser was easy. If it was easy, everybody would do it.
If the relationship is worth while, it is a risk that needs to be taken. Honestly, the odds of a "vengeful" reaction like the one your indicated is highly unlikely. You cannot live live based on "what-if", only on what-is.

I have been married for the last 41 years and my wife still does not know that I cross dress. I have four lovely grown up children and they don't know I cross dress. My mother is still alive and she does not know I cross dress and I know that if I told any or all of them then I would loose them and I am not prepared for that to happen so yes I lie every day and will keep on lying for the rest of my life.

Jennifer,

Is living a lie really living at all? I don't think so. Your mother does not NEED to know. Your kids do not NEED to know. Your spouse DESERVES to know the truth. This is a very big thing, and avoiding the subject simply to avoid conflict is not doing her any justice at all---it is only serving your own interests and nobody elses. What is the alternative, you get into a car accident and the ambulance crew discovers your underdressing as they remove your clothes? You are injured/die someday and your wife discovers your "stash"? What kind of legacy does that leave you to be remembered by? At least if your wife knows, there will not be any surprises for the family. If you have been married for 41 years, I am sure your wife will be capable of understanding. As long as you can be there for her and give her what she needs while she copes with the news, the odds of the marriage surviving are good. It is your life and your marriage. I am not telling you what do do, just stating that a spouse deserves to know and not to be lied to for their entire life.

[melina]

I'm with Jennifer H on this one. I get away with a lot such as shaving, panties and womens jeans, but she has made it clear that she married a man. Melina exits for a chosen few, such as all of you. Thank you.

[Rianna Humble]

The question is "how do you know you can trust her?". Even when a guy truly, honestly believes he can trust her, and when he confides to her - and she destroys that trust.

Some of us have been there. Once bitten, twice shy. Or in the case of some of us, three or four times shy. LOL

With any of the four, did you start by discussing her approach to people who do not conform to society's norms? Followed maybe by finding out what she thinks of people who dress differently? Or perhaps discuss how TV & films portray cross-dressing and/or transgender characters? Only going on to share your secret once you had positive vibes from all of the foregoing, or did you just blurt it out perhaps in the middle of an argument?

Someone else a few months ago was putting up objections similar to yours. When pressed, his suggestion was to blurt out at the start of a first date "Hi my name is xxx and I have a disgusting habit" - I don't think that approach is designed to engender trust or a positive response.

[sinead]

I don't
she knows
she approves
she helps me

[Toni Citara]

Yea, that's pretty much how I meet women... just standing next to one, chatting her up and in the first three minutes I blurt out "I'm a crossdresser, will you still love me and marry me?" Sorry, but that's not how I conduct myself.

Clearly each of us has our own mental/emotional time-line, and mine is probably somewhere in the middle by comparison. Of course, if I worked at drag queen bingo night, that would clearly take the pressure off!! LOL

With any of the four, did you start by discussing her approach to people who do not conform to society's norms? Followed maybe by finding out what she thinks of people who dress differently? Or perhaps discuss how TV & films portray cross-dressing and/or transgender characters? Only going on to share your secret once you had positive vibes from all of the foregoing, or did you just blurt it out perhaps in the middle of an argument?

Someone else a few months ago was putting up objections similar to yours. When pressed, his suggestion was to blurt out at the start of a first date "Hi my name is xxx and I have a disgusting habit" - I don't think that approach is designed to engender trust or a positive response.

[Rianna Humble]

Yea, that's pretty much how I meet women... just standing next to one, chatting her up and in the first three minutes I blurt out "I'm a crossdresser, will you still love me and marry me?" Sorry, but that's not how I conduct myself.

Clearly each of us has our own mental/emotional time-line, and mine is probably somewhere in the middle by comparison. Of course, if I worked at drag queen bingo night, that would clearly take the pressure off!! LOL

So much bitterness towards women, but you still don't say how you tested the waters

[Nigella]

This is not a thread for personal arguments, if you feel that strongly about your opinions, please take it to PMs, do not take this thread off topic

Nigella
Moderator

[Being Paige]

Because she can't handle the truth! LOL seriously, I don't lie, I just don't tell more then I need to, she is only limited in participating in my dressing.

[Proteus]

Yea, that's pretty much how I meet women... just standing next to one, chatting her up and in the first three minutes I blurt out "I'm a crossdresser, will you still love me and marry me?" Sorry, but that's not how I conduct myself.

That could work, if done before giving your name and contact info it certainly solves the trust problem.

[Angela Dressing]

Couldnt have said it better myselve... thanks Toni

[RACH99]

[SIZE="4"]We lie about our activities so we can continue whatever relationship we have with our SOs and also to keep from hurting them. It's sort of obvious isn't it?

Happily I now have no SO to have to explain myself to or cause pain to. I feel fortunate.[/SIZE]

First off, I am sorry to hear that you are no longer married and hope your life is in a better place now.

Second, my husband told me the same thing: he didn't want to hurt me. He was also ashamed. And he said that he had not had any desire to dress when we where dating, so he had no reason to expect that to change once we married. Was I hurt? You bet. His shame was so deep he let me think he was cheating before finally coming clean with me. It took my leaving and filing for divorce for him to do that. Now that in itself is a scary thought. How deep his shame went stunned me and still does. And it also tells me this man must love me to bits too. I'm a lucky girl.

[rebecca.cross2]

So much bitterness towards women, but you still don't say how you tested the waters

Rianna- Amen Sister! I think you called this one like it is. Unfortunately, there are many out there that will never understand, nor take the time to try to understand.

All crossdressers say they want acceptance and understanding for what they do from the world, but have no intent to show the same to the world. Just because some of you do not understand why a GG/SO feels the way they do about a crossdressing spouse does not mean their feelings are baseless, unwarranted, or should be discounted.

There are many GG's and LO's that come to this website to try and gain understanding for crossdressing, and seeing comments such as these (and there are many more out there) does not help our cause, or help the GG's and LO's that try to get insight by reading these posts. Frankly, there are several threads that would scare the h*ll out of me if I was a GG or LO coming here to read and gain a better understanding of crossdressing.

[msginaadoll]

The problem with this thread is it is all about arguements. The question was why.... Some of us told why and then others decide to judge us for the reasons we said. So then what was the purpose really of the original posting. Was it to ask why or to be judgemental or with a certain agenda?

[Launa]

I tell my SO everything. I'm just careful to not always be talking about CDing because she wants me to be male no less than 60% of the time and no more female than 40% of the time. I am now middle age and the CDing thing has come on hard and strong for some reason. So its on my mind quite a bit and I want to venture out a little more often, once a month would be great but I don't want to push things too hard. And thats about the only thing I hold back on talking about.