Looking for information

[Charlotta]

I'm a new member and this is my first post. Over the years I have gone from occasional dressing when I was a teenager to now dressing full time in my home as a senior citizen. My wife is the only person that knows and we both have kept it a secret and want to keep it that way. Looking back it has been a steady progression. Always one step further. It's like something was pushing me or driving me and I couldn't resist any longer so I would give in. Now I have that same feeling and it is pushing me to "kick it up another notch". The trouble is that if I kick it up any further I will be a full fledged, grade A transexual and I don't want to go there.

I want to stop this train and get off. Heck, I would like to slam it into reverse and go backwards. I don't like the journey I'm on any longer but I seem helpless to stop it. The drive to go further is unrelenting. It won't leave me alone. It doesn't give me any peace and quite frankly it scares me. Is this how I'm going to spend my "golden years"? Fighting this battle that I don't think I can win. Do I have to go down the road that ends with SRS before I can find inner peace. My dear wife deserves more than that but she has also said she will stand beside me whatever happens.

The reason for writing is that I am reaching out. I'm looking for anything that could help me understand what is going on. Does anyone have any knowledge if the process can be stopped. I thought I read somewhere about "mind exercises" that may help. Is there any truth to that?

I have the impression that most of the people here look forward to going further on their journey and I wish them all well. Part of me wishes I could just resign myself to doing the same and embrace my dominant feminine side and become the real woman that I am inside. I enjoy and find release being dressed as a woman and I like being the more understanding, more kind, more gentle person I become when I am dressed. But there is still another part of me that doesn't want to go down that road and all that entails. So I hope I don't offend anyone by giving my side of the story because every story is a little different. Is anyone going through or has anyone had a similar experience?

[clairelowe83]

this is to charlotta:

do you think that your desire to be a woman/become a "grade a ts" has grown with comfort in dressing up. like...what came first; the desire to dress female or feeling that you were female? (be honest! i wont judge)

claire x

[Charlotta]

Claire, the feeling that I am female came first. The CDing was something I used to cope with my feelings of being a female and it came natural. BTW I am not a girly man or was a girly boy. But It seems I have always had a dislike (hatred may be too strong a word) for my male genitalia when I am in feminine mode. I have done a little searching on the internet and the little I have found out about the issue leads me to believe I probably am a transexual but I don't want to be one if that makes any sense. I think it's only shear will power (and probably fear of the unknown) that has kept me from giving into my inner longing to be a real woman. I'm tired of fighting but I can't seem to resolve this thing.

[Holly]

Charlotta, at the risk of suggesting the obvious, have you seen a professional counselor... one who specializes in gender issues? It's something you may want to consider. I'm on the verge myself of moving into my "golden years" and like you, have a wonderfully loving and supportive wife. And like you, have been kicking it up a notch for the last several years. Unlike you, however, I've come to terms with who/what I am and although I identify with the female gender, I will not be considering SRS. I'm content to present as female as much as I can, but my main drive now is to take my mind as far as I can and embrace as much femininity as my head will hold. Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk some more.

[Charlotta]

Hi Holly. In response to your post, I just wish I could stay at the level I have been for the past year or so but "she" seems to want more and to give her more I will start down a road I really don't want to go down. It's so hard battling your inner self and I'm going through a particular bad time right now where it seems every fibre in my body yearns to be female. I know the easy thing to do and the thing that would probably give me the most happiness would be to stop resisting and go with the flow, so to speak. But I'm thinking of my family and how would my children and grandchildren react and feel about "Pops". I definitely don't want my grandkids to endure any humiliation at school over something they haven't any control over. Of course we could always move but that would mean taking my wife away from family and friends and I could never do that. These are the things I think about when I refer to the unknown.

Believe me I have given this so much thought my head hurts but my preference is still to stay as is. In the past whenever I had the urges build up I used alcohol to numb the brain but I haven't had a drink in close to a year and I don't want to go back to that as a crutch. I know whenever this episode passes however long that takes I will be fine. If only "she" would co-operate and be content to stay as is also but the drive seems to be getting stronger and harder to control and that has me somewhat concerned. I'm just looking for some way to dampen down the longing, the desire, the yearning, the urge to be female. Who said life is easy. LOL

BTW I have a grandaughter named Holly and I like the name very much.

[mand]

Hello Charlotta I read you're post and I feel for you I truely do.
You describe so many things that I know well. I battled the feelings for so many years and in the end I gave up trying to fight them. I am now at the stage were I have risked losing my family, I am living as a woman fulltime.
I have seen my doctor regarding GRS and getting on the road to full transiton but I know this would be the final straw for Jane (my wife ???), I do have the support of my daughter, my son is suppportive of me but again full transition would probably end his support.

I am perhaps a little younger than you (44)? but I also have a grandson who knows me only as mand for the last 6 months.

Yes life is hard, I simply cannot function as a man, I had to give up work because of it and Jane is now the breadwinner. I know the feeling of trying to drink away the feelings, when ever it becomes to unbearable I simply get totally wasted beyond the pain on booze and weed.

I have postponed my referal the doctor made for me to see a gender specalist, after Jane asked me to do so, but I'm affraid that I will be remaking it as I simply just want to bring my body as close as I can to match my mind and soul.


I wish I had some really wise advice for you love but as you can see I'm in the same boat.


love mand xxx

[deeasheville]

Over the years I have gone from occasional dressing when I was a teenager to now dressing full time in my home as a senior citizen.

My wife is the only person that knows and we both have kept it a secret and want to keep it that way.

Looking back it has been a steady progression. Always one step further.

It's like something was pushing me or driving me and I couldn't resist any longer so I would give in.

Now I have that same feeling and it is pushing me to "kick it up another notch".


Up to this point, minus the loving wife and the total secret; you could have been telling my story. But I 'm glad to be kicking it up a notch.

Before you go farther toward SRS, you need to be able to come out of the closet, or when you start taking hormons, you will never see the outside again

I was able to accept my inter self thanks to counselling.
I too turned to drugs and alcohal and I had to have help to get off them.

You said that you dislike your male genitalia, (when you are dressed up).
They do tend to get in the way of wearing some clothes, it can be delt with.

However you have got to love yourself. Not just your reflected image.

[MandyTS]

I am substantially younger than you (23) but unlike you crossdressing has not been progressive, but about lateral, although lately I have been experimenting more for the simple fact that I am closer to transistion that I ever have been and am trying to define myself. I have known since about the ago of 5 that I was a girl, that is the difference.

It is really kind of the chicken or the egg what came first, crossdressing or the feelings that you were or are a girl. Think of the ramifications of the decision, for me it may keep me from some day transistioning, although I have already sort of started. A true TS has the feelings since conception and crossdressing is a way to reveal who you are really... that is the difference...

[DonnaT]

You can try yoga, but you also need to consult with a gender specialist/therapist. You do have the signs, as I know them, of a TS. Problem is, you may decide to go the whole route, and still not be happy. There are a number of cases of TS's who have commited suicide becasue they couldn't handle all the changes that being post-op caused. A therapist might have helped some.

[Kate]

It is really kind of the chicken or the egg what came first, crossdressing or the feelings that you were or are a girl. Think of the ramifications of the decision, for me it may keep me from some day transistioning, although I have already sort of started. A true TS has the feelings since conception and crossdressing is a way to reveal who you are really... that is the difference...

That is rather an oversimplification, and you cannot make such sweeping generalisations about who is and is not transsexual. This is a quote from an essay on observations about transgendered people from a specialist transgender counsellor, this section talking about the three types of transsexual person she had come across:

The third type is a person who starts out as a transvestite. The crossgender identity is a late onset one. The person for many, many years has assumed he was a garden variety crossdresser, whose crossdressing was associated with sexuality, sometimes tranquility, but there were triggers to it. Maybe he didn't know what the pattern was, but when he undergoes therapy he realizes there were triggers to the crossdressing. What happens as he gets older is that the female gender identity, which used to be a subordinate part, starts taking over, and he becomes she. There were two gender identities that were quite split, with sexual orientation usually toward women. As the female identity takes over, whereas he originally thought he would be a lesbian, she goes into the female gender role, and often, with time, she becomes interested in men, but never has been before. This is the late onset. A lot of these people are at ETVC. In terms of outcome with these three, I can't tell any difference. All three types do just as well following sex reassignment surgery.

Transsexualism is a complex and very individual phenomenon, and it is not helpful to make sweeping statements about what does and does not mean someone is or is not TS. Equally, it is fraught with dangers and anyone considering a transition should be extremely cautious and honest with themselves and their counsellor/psychiatrist. Here is a good article describing some of the pitfalls and those that have regretted the choice.

Kate.