Feeling alone and out of place

[Johnnifer]

I am feeling a bit out depressed and out of place lately.

Part of it is not TG related. Cold weather and darker days have me feeling trapped. But feeling a bit down gets my femme feelings going which makes me feel trapped both from lack of privacy at home and lack of people like me online.

The recent sexuality thread made it worse. Like EVERY TG sexuality thread I seen it is full of people saying how strait they are.

My bi side leans strongly gay and I much prefer guys and feelings for girls make me uncomfortable, I have no interest in passing as a woman just being free to be feminine as a man and like gender mixing and matching at times, and becoming a girl or passing as one is no longer a fantasy for me. When I find TG's attractive it usuaually cute but unpassing ones. My fantasies are more on guys becoming girls or having girl parts (like breasts) or girls becoming guys and acting girly.

But everywhere I look TG is about the WOMAN.

How attractive women are.

How they want to be a woman.

How TG's worth admiring and being like are all passing.

How they are attracted to women or how they could only feel for men if they were to become a woman.

How they think being turned into a woman or passing as one is hot.

About ten years ago I lost the woman to my TG urges but still have TG urges. Since then I felt alone and depressed aloy. Recent events have me feeling alone and depressed more strongly than usual.

Is their anyone out their like me? Are their any place for people like me? Is their any place for people who lack the woman to their TG?

[Julogden]

Hi Johnifer,

Hon, don't compare yourself to others. They're doing what they need to do in order to be happy, and that's what you need to do too, live your life in the manner that you need to for you to be happy. If you're gay or bi, then embrace it and don't let the straight girls bother you. Some of them are being less than honest with themselves anyway, in my opinion. The more anyone crows about being straight, the more it makes me think they're blowing smoke.

In this community, we're all over the spectrum regarding sexuality and gender identity and no one point is intrinsically any better or worse than any other.

I tend to get seasonally down too, I know how that is. This is always a rough time of year for me. If you think it's getting to be too much for you to handle, get some counseling or at least talk to your doctor if you have one.

I think you're in the right place. We're all unique, so we'll never find someone else exactly like us, but I'm willing to bet there are at least some other members here feeling very similar to the way that you are. There are definitely others who don't dress because they feel themselves to be women in a male body, they identify as men.

Hang in there!!

Carol

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Welcome to the Forum. We are from all walks of life with an array of varying experiences. Winter is depressing and so too loneliness. Hang in there and chat with all here, we all have issues too. Well I assume so if we are here. Take care and breathe in and out slowly, calm down.

[Cynthia Anne]

I think Carol has ginen you some great advice! I agree that this can be a very sad time of the year! Instead of being alone for thanksgiving I was privleged to help about 50 people to have a thanksgiving dinner that they would not of had! It was my best thanksgiving ever! Hugs!

[Karren H]

Sounds like you may also have SAD... Seasonal Affective Disorder. My wife has it and when the days get short and dark you just dot talk to her. She wants to go hibernate. Look into full spectrum lights! Really helps.

[Johnnifer]

Sounds like you may also have SAD... Seasonal Affective Disorder. My wife has it and when the days get short and dark you just dot talk to her. She wants to go hibernate. Look into full spectrum lights! Really helps.

My depression (I have dealt with that since my mom freaked out when I outed myself) has been getting more seasonal as of late. I did take medicine for it but after a year it stopped working, been off of it a few months and oddly MOSTLY I felt better for it. (yes, stopping antidepressants made me less depresssed once a hellish week when the stopping catching up to me ended). I didn't ask my doctor on it though.

But not living alone (I am a pathetic 34 year old living with my folks) means no being myself or seeking the long drive to GLBT nightlife. Being cold and dark means no outdoor activities during daylight and... well since I am not a morning person.... no daylight.

But even so I hate this thing where TG's are mostly all about THE WOMAN and gays all about MASCULINITY and no one in between. I feel so lost and out of place and people keeping things in the GLBT binary can be almost as depressing as them keeping it in the strait binary.

[Jason+]

My bi side leans strongly gay and I much prefer guys and feelings for girls make me uncomfortable, I have no interest in passing as a woman just being free to be feminine as a man and like gender mixing and matching at times, and becoming a girl or passing as one is no longer a fantasy for me. When I find TG's attractive it usuaually cute but unpassing ones. My fantasies are more on guys becoming girls or having girl parts (like breasts) or girls becoming guys and acting girly.

But everywhere I look TG is about the WOMAN.

Is their anyone out their like me? Are their any place for people like me? Is their any place for people who lack the woman to their TG?

Both Carol (Julogden) and Karren have made really good points both about being who you are without worrying the details of everybody else so much and getting a little help if you need it. When we moved from SC to WA state we had to get my wife a sunlamp as well since it is so dreary most of the time there.

I am at least similar to you in ways. Being a man isn't the problem for me it's the restrictions that have to go. Whether I'm feminine, mixed or just wacked depends a lot on the point of view of the person attaching the labels. I am at the very least curious although even with permission from the wife I haven't been curious enough to act on it and find out for sure and I am just as curious about it in pants as I am a skirt.

Whether I and the site are a perfect fit for each other or not this is the best place I have found. Welcome in, please stay a while.

[ashlylynn]

Sounds like you may also have SAD... Seasonal Affective Disorder. My wife has it and when the days get short and dark you just dot talk to her. She wants to go hibernate. Look into full spectrum lights! Really helps.

Or do what GGs do ... got to a SOLARIUM to get a tan.

We don't just do that to be tanned, you know. lol

[Vickie_CDTV]

But not living alone (I am a pathetic 34 year old living with my folks) means no being myself or seeking the long drive to GLBT nightlife. Being cold and dark means no outdoor activities during daylight and... well since I am not a morning person.... no daylight.

Don't be too hard on yourself, things are really bad and unlikely to get any better for a long time (if ever in our lifetimes.) The economy is imploding on itself, and multiple generations living under one roof may inevitably become the norm again (as it was over 100 years ago) and not the exception. I was stuck living with my folks on and off in my 20s so I can relate.

But even so I hate this thing where TG's are mostly all about THE WOMAN and gays all about MASCULINITY and no one in between. I feel so lost and out of place and people keeping things in the GLBT binary can be almost as depressing as them keeping it in the strait binary.

Please don't take it personal. Like so much in life, it is a numbers game. I was going to post something along these lines to a question asked by a GG SO, but I think it is also appropriate in this case. Most who crossdress (I am leaving TS out of this example) are straight, and dress to please a man... themselves. What they desire and strive to be is often the manifestation of what they want in a woman, and that is someone who looks like a GG (and then whatever other attributes that tickle their individual fancy.) That is one reason why some have such a strong desire to be realistic and/or pass. Being straight, they do not want to emulate an effeminate man, but a GG. It isn't a slam against others, but just a reflection of what most dressers desire.

[sanderlay]

Johnnifer,

I do RELATE to you in some ways as I present as a mixture of the masculine and the feminine. I also relate to you as a GM, genetic male. As you noted many crossdressers are looking to pass... or to be a woman. I'm not. I'm out and in public in a mixed clothing with no makeup and present as a bi-gender or two spirited person.

Even those labels don't seem to apply to myself perfectly as I try to present in a world who seem to only understand two genders, male and female.
But no one... not even a label... or lack of... can deny who YOU are... or who YOU are attracted to. That's NOT another person's business. YOU ARE SPECIAL!!!

But as Carol, Julogden, and her excellent advise, said we are ALL different in this community. Opinions and advise about different issues can vary as much as the weather at times and be as hard to predict who might agree with what. But that's OK... because we are ALL human beings... and we desire to fit in... and FEEL NEEDED. That diversity makes us strong and so YOUR opinion maters.

Living with your parents... especially when they do not understand your feelings... or you are dis-respected can certainly be difficult. But remember... no situation is forever. Things WILL get better in time. The seasons WILL change once again.

I remember years ago when I worked at certain times of the year having to commute to work in the dark and then arrive home in the dark. On the weekend I discovered they painted my building and I never knew it. Working in a building with no widows and unable to see the sun shining is not fun.

So I learned to try to take some walks no mater what the weather was. Even if the weather was raining and cold, or snow on the ground, and sometimes seemed dreary because of not seeing the sun, the fresh air and just moving my body made me feel better.

But as Karren noted, I would look into Seasonal affective disorder (SAD). We as humans were not meant to be inside all the time. So see if this might apply to you and some simple solutions that might help you feel better.

[calebsmithxd]

I don't have any advice, but I can understand how you feel to some degree since I'm gay and still feel like a guy even though I'm interested in woman's clothing.

Anyway, I hope you feel better. Things will get better and I definitely recommend looking into those lamps Karren recommended.

[Marleena]

Johnnifer I read the sexuality thread, replied to it, and I can honestly say I don't know remember anybodies sexual preference. It really isn't a big deal. I'm a CDer, I'm a guy that likes to dress like a girl, how can I judge anybody? I don't judge anybody. I see beautiful CDers here and would love to look like them too. I see young Cder's and wish I wasn't so old. We all get down at some point, we are here for you. This forum is to support each other.

[*Vanessa*]

hi Johnnifer

Feeling a little down,,, we all get on that train sweetie. Not sure what you are reading about the TG stuff being all about trying to be someone else. We TGs (yes we) are about ourselves. Some at one end of the spectrum can and want to transition and some at the other end of the spectrum are fine with switching genders (as in sex play). I think most everyone regardless of where they are at (here) likes to feel softer.

TG urges? : maybe explain what you mean here as being Transgender is not an urge.
Sure there are people, great people here willing to talk to you about anything, including all that have replied to this thread.

PM if you like

[eluuzion]

I am feeling a bit out depressed and out of place lately...

...Is their anyone out their like me? Are their any place for people like me? Is their any place for people who lack the woman to their TG?

Warning...this turned into a "novel" many may want to "skip" reading...

SAD can definitely impact some peoples' attitude about life. I have never taken the time to solicit any official diagnosis. But I did grow up in the Midwest. I moved to sunny climates as soon as I was old enough to escape that humidity and overcast weather. It works for some people but it I cannot function in that climate. All I wanted to do is sleep and take showers, lol. I need sun. Dry air also helps immensely. Jus' sayin'...

Regarding your "alienation" issue...
“Self-Discovery” is an interesting concept for me.

We are all so eager to proclaim our “individuality“, yet we strive to find people “just like us”. Each time we think we have found that special person or group (like this forum), our initial exhilaration often deteriorates into disappointment and/or disenchantment, as we gradually identify the differences in peoples’ perceptions and opinions (that do not match our own).

It seems to happen when we find a “best” friend, an SO, a marriage partner, that perfect job, the perfect support group, the best computer, the perfect diet, the perfect exercise plan, the perfect house, the best neighbors, the best religion, the best therapist, the best philosophy, the right attitude, etc. etc.

It all seems to be part of the never-ending quest for self-discovery. We are trying to “find ourselves” by looking for somebody or some thing that defines us…that validates “what we are” and also confirms to us that we are not “alone” in what we “are” as a person.

One of the reasons for this “need” is of course, the typical perception (misconception) that “being lost in life” is not a personally or socially acceptable status. (Although it is a “fixable” issue and infinitely more tolerable if you are least a part of a lost “group”). But if we begin to feel that we cannot find “anybody” that we can really relate to (that is “exactly like me”), the concept of being “lost” and/or “alone” can be perceived as having a serious identity crisis. Our sense of isolation can turn hope into hopelessness.

OK, Time is UP for discussing that side of the fence!
(I have a respectful understanding, but a low tolerance for pessimism and/or dysfunctional cognitive distortions).
So, I need to move on here and explain my perception of the world and “self-discovery”…

It is really pretty simple. I believe that…

The “self” is not something that I can “find”. It is something that I create…and I am constantly changing. So is the world and everything and everybody in it. The closest thing I can hope for as far as defining “who I am” is to focus upon my character. It rarely, if ever fluctuates.

I apply the same logic when trying to “define” other people. It is the closest thing to a “constant” I will ever experience in me and others.
We are all in a state of constant change as we continue to (hopefully) move forward in life. I am unique (just like everybody else, lol), so the best I can hope for is to relish any opportunity to briefly share the “same perception space” (same feelings, beliefs or “identity“) with a person or group at a particular point in time…before the dynamics of change make the encounter a memory.

The personal impact of those experiences will determine the quality and duration of the bond I form with them. Those shared experiences/memories may help me regard any changes that are present or may occur in another person as being irrelevant to affecting my decision to stay attached to that person. Emotional impact creates connections, which create memories, which is really all I really have in life (or get to keep). So I believe my character and memories are really who "I am" (or we “are”). Since everything is constantly changing, it is impossible to ever define my “self” or anything else with an absolute definition. It is just any one point in time. I retain what matters, discard what does not and always keep moving forward.

Think Less, Act More…life is short.

Just my thoughts…