I let go of the edge of the pool this weekend.
I have been lucky all my life in that I have had many friends and lovers who would accompany me when I was dressed and out on the town. I had people I could socialize with when I was in a bar or club or function. People who knew me. A safety net so to speak.
Since I don’t have that anymore and I add the fact that when I am stressed, my feminine side becomes dominant, I had to choose. I am not one to just be content getting dolled up and staying home. It seems a waste of my time. That does not mean that I don’t wear skirts around the house, I just don’t put on make up and often don’t do hair. I don’t have to impress myself and in my head I am who I am anyway. But I needed something. I cannot and will not become a couch potato.
So Saturday morning I thought I would dress up and go out to a local club. I also chickened out several times before I even left the house to go to work. I challenged myself as to why I needed to be out and dressed. I could stay home watch TV, maybe have a glass of wine. Then I told myself, you aren’t dead. You need to enjoy yourself. The weather for November was excellent (60 degrees during the day). Go out see the world what is the worst that can happen? You have a couple drinks at the bar, you watch people, you go home and feel sorry for yourself later.
Saturday afternoon, I pretended to do things. I vacuumed the house, steamed the floor, did some laundry. Watched racing on TV (when I wasn’t napping) and then it was 4 o’clock. Four in the afternoon and I was bored. OK, I said, here’s what you will do. Clean up, put on your make up and if you like what you see, go out. Myself answered “I won’t like it”. To which I replied “well then you can stay home and mope if it does not work.”
An hour later I was fixed. And I liked me. That has been the way it has been for years. I don’t like the male me. I have been told I am handsome, sweet, kind, helpful, sexy and a good lover ( I want to be an excellent lover but I just can’t break that barrier), But I know “me” and I don’t see those things. But when I dress up and get made up I see a different person. Pretty (usually), good shape, nice legs, big smile and well everything I want and want to be. So there I stood in front of the mirror. I liked me again.
OK, so I will drive down to the bar, look around but if there are not any parking places I can just go home. On the drive I thought about all the CDs who dress up and take a drive, thinking that they are being on the edge. I looked around and once again I didn’t see any person looking at ME as I drove or even at the lights. So my advice is go, take that drive, relax, if that is what it takes to get you out and make you feel happy, do it. So anyway, I get to the parking lot and……there are about 10 cars (it’s only 6:30…no one goes out until 8 at least). Oh well, I can’t use the excuse there was no parking. I pull into a spot and make up reasons to take my time to get out. License, credit card, 30$ cash, check make up, check hair, think of going home and hiding under the bed, change mind, decide to go in, open door, close door-it is cooler than I thought, sit there and watch people walk by and not notice me, take a deep breath and…get out of the car and go inside. I walk across the lot and realize that I have the look, the walk, everything I need and although I am tall, I present feminine. I take out my ID and walk in.
Usually there is a door guy who checks IDs but I was too early I guess. I must have looked lost and shocked because across the club a guy calls out “Hey I need to see your ID.” I start to hand it to him and he starts to laugh. “Just kidding, you look marvelous.” I blush and thank him. He hugs me. I head to the bar.
This bar is a “gay” bar but in the last few years it has become a mixed crowd. There were actually more male/female couples than MM or FF.
The bar is cut into the wall so that it can serve the patio outside (where you can smoke) and the dance floor inside. I sit inside where there are three guys talking and watching football. Hey, I like football so I will just sit and watch with them. They look at me, smile and nod then go back to the game. The bartender asks what I want. “Seven and seven” I don’t know why I ordered that. I don’t really care much for whiskey. But that is what I ordered. He brings it back and I pay. Mixed drinks are good for TGs because they come with straws. A beer isn’t very sexy (unless you play with the neck), wine at a bar is presumptuous and the lipstick messes the rim. A mixed drink and a tiny straw, how dainty. The bartender hovers. Now I know that gay men are not interested in crossdressers. I am not masculine at all so I wonder why he hovers. Maybe things have changed and they don’t like us girls here so much any more. I heard that last week when I went to a bar I thought was TG friendly and was told (I was in drab) that they no longer allowed TG’s there because they scared the regular customers (bar must be doing well that they can choose who patronizes the establishment). So I thought, OK one drink, outta here if they didn’t want me. He finally comes over. “How is the drink?” Excellent (It was he didn’t over pour the whiskey so it wasn’t too strong). “Great, I love your look and your necklace.” OK relax he was just admiring you not staring at you. Again, I blush and thank him. Deep breath, this is a friendly place. Try and act feminine and distracted. I look up and across the bar is a guy staring at me. I smile, you know you should always smile it will either piss them off or get them to smile too. He gives me a little finger wave. I wave back. Within minutes he is behind me.
“I just had to tell you, you are gorgeous.” He said. I turned and thanked him again blushing and shy. He asked if I would like accompany him to another bar where they were having a drag show. I declined and he said if I changed my mind come on over.
Wow, this was turning out better than I expected. Three guys, three compliments, three guys who were gentlemen. The bar was starting to get busier now. A couple walked over and asked if the stools next to me were open. I said “have a seat” and they struck up a conversation. One asked me to dance but I have never danced in heels and backwards (new goal now) so I declined and for the next couple hours we just talked. It was nice. They wanted to keep in touch and gave me their number. I don’t know I will use it ever but if I go back to that bar I will at least know someone.. I was starting to worry now about drinking too much and not eating so I decided to go home, it was 10 o’clock. I know it was early but I was just out testing the water as to if I could be out and alone. So mission accomplished. I hugged my two new friends and said good night. As I was walking I did notice my heels were more wobbly than usual. It was probably just because I was hungry and tired and not the booze….OK it was the booze and there was no way I could have stayed out any longer without a ride home. As I was leaving and going down the stairway two young men offered their hands for me. One told me I looked beautiful. For the last time that evening I blushed and thanked him for the compliment. I got in the car, made sure I could handle the drive home.
I floated home filled with happiness. I had grown, I had stepped away from the pool edge. I had become a new person, now with more confidence and self assurance. I had socialized and met new people and I was not abused or mistreated in anyway. It was a good night. I now am ready to start swimming and not just hanging on to the rim. That diving board however is a little intimidating still.
Originally Posted by ReineD
