My SO & I have an infant son together. I often wonder when or if we should consider telling him about his dad's cross-dressing. We plan to raise him to have an open mind and be accepting of everyone & if cross-dressing were to ever come up in a conversation with our son I would want to explore the subject and get his feedback on what he thinks of CDing. Obviously, we won't be having this chat for a long time, but I often find myself wondering "Hmmm..".
- Mikki
“Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don't Matter and Those Who Matter Don't Mind.”
well i don't know what is a good time for the "chat", but remember everyone you teach to have an accepting mind, no matter how young they are will pave the way for all of our future acceptance.
man, i feel like a woman
There have some pretty good discussions on this subject on a few threads. Some of them extend way back. I do not remember there being much of consensus.
I can say this, Mikki. Do what you are comfortable with. And do try to strike a balance. You also have to consider the personality of the child and whether you can trust him
to keep his mouth shut around his friends, if you are not out. You also have to ensure this will not be a burden for him...having to carry any shame or guilt.
I can tell you I talked with my son when he was five. I know I could trust him back then. He has never let me down. We have a policy that we do not discuss private matter of our home with other people unless we get authorization from the other members of the family. I honor this rule too, by not discussing his private matters with anyone. When people
ask pretty personal questions about him I politely say he does not wish me to discuss those things. People understand.
My main motivator for telling him, although there are many, were that
1) I did not want to take time from my family to dress
2) I generally hate to lie
3) I would not want to keep a secret from him that he might find out about one day
4) By sharing this I thought I would bring my family closer
5) It would make him a better person to grow up understanding and respecting people that are different
It has been six, almost seven years and so far there have been no regrets. I am always a girlie girl at home, unless he has friends over. We go out together at least once a week, sometimes much more, and he has never shown the slightest bit of discomfort in public. People get amazed at this. Often he holds my hand and opens doors for me. He is a total gentleman.
He used to always call me "Daddy" out loud when we went out, which was always a bit funny to my ears. But I never asked him to call me by my fem name because I love the sound of him calling me Daddy even if everyone around us hears it. Recently, he has taken to calling me Michelia when I am dressed. I never asked him to. I think is just him growing up. He is eleven now. He is my partner in crime... we have fun! I also do guy things with him in drab...but he often prefers me dressed...it seems people are much nicer to us.
He is so cool about so many things. He protects the fat kids and the nerds and has an awesome sense of what is right and wrong.
It really is a non-issue in my house. We just live. My dressing never gets attention. It is just part of life.
What will the future bring us? I hope more of the same...
Good luck with whatever you decide. I do think you have a healthy perspective.
Last edited by Michelia; 11-15-2011 at 11:35 PM.
Love,
Michelia
"Genius is the recovery of childhood at will." Rimbaud
My own feeling is no, don't tell them. My kids don't need to know EVERY detail of my life.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.
I have two children: a daughter (15) and son (10). Both have seen me dressed. Originally, it was presented as just something I would do for a costume event, but over the past year I slowly progressed into going out dressed for other reasons. They've also seen me dress just to hang around the house on a few occasions. I've had the talk with my daughter, but haven't really discussed it with my son. All he knows is the bare fact: Dad likes to dress up in women's clothes. I've been waiting for him to ask for an explanation, but so far, nothing. Right now, I figure I'll wait until he asks, or until he hits 13, whichever comes first.
My thoughts are that you can teach you kids (mine are 7 & 3) about acceptance about issues without being too direct. You don't want to over burden the kid and transfer negative feelings.
You can only do what you feel is right.
D x
Of course, every situation is different. One of my therapists told me that if cd'ing was that much a part of my life then it would be important to inform the children at some point. When my boys were around ages 11 and 14, my ex kept threatning to tell everyone including them, so I figured it would be best to let them know. I talked to both of them separatly and they both said, they were fine as long as they didn't have to see. So that was the boundry I always kept with them. After remarrying and having step children, my wife was the one that gradually talked to them about it, as I always keep so many of my cloths and shoes just laying around anyway. Again, the boundry with my wife was not to dress around them, except for Holloween a coulple of times. The kids have all taken it in stride.
For us, striking the balance of not being too open that would embarrass them, while at the same time, not keeping secrets was not too hard to do.
Joni
"Yes, to dance beneath the diamond sky with one hand waving free" Bob Dylan
Perhaps you should first get your child used to seeing you in makeup, nail polish, and more subtle things like that before you let him see you fully dressed. This will raise him to be accepting and not as confused when you do decide to completely tell him. Don't forget, young children are very likely to talk about their parents with teachers and friends, so it would be a lot less trouble if all he could tell people was "my daddy wears makeup and nail polish" instead of "my daddy wears dresses and bras." Most people would just assume his father was a more artistic/eccentric type of person. Then when your son is old enough to know to keep things like this private, you can ease into fully dressing. I'm no expert, but this is what I plan to do when I have children! And congrats Michelia on what sounds like a wonderful relationship with your son!
" I've been waiting for him to ask for an explanation, but so far, nothing. Right now, I figure I'll wait until he asks, or until he hits 13, whichever comes first."
I'd be careful with this approach. Disclosure and discussion with his friends before your own may prejudice his views. I wouldn't leave something that important to chance.
Lea
Last edited by LeaP; 11-16-2011 at 07:30 AM. Reason: Reduced quoted material
only if they need to know.
only if your spouse is 100% supportive of dressing and telling them..
its not a secret to not tell people you crossdress... we all do LOTS of things that we don't share with our kids...
it seems to me that it defeats the whole point to tell them and then not see them...what do they gain from that??
in the end, thats just an opinion, no one can tell another person what to do with their kids, but kids don't have to know everything
Unless you are very closeted (and extreemly careful!) I feel there is a good chance they will find out on their own. That is just one good reason to tell them. If you consider yourself TG and this ie a big part of who you are than I think it is healthy for both of you to share this in some manner. I've shared with close friends because I thought they would be hurt if I was exposed and they hadn't known.
As to when to tell them... I don't know any good gauge that will indicate the right time. you will have to decide that at the time.
Sally
My wife and I have told both of our children, they are my step children so the sperm donor was informed beforehand simply out of courtesy as the children both live with us now. Our daughter found out when she was around 9 or 10 years old. She actually figured it out for herself rather than us telling her. She would give me hugs at night and would feel the bra under my shirt, and when asked what it was we would tell her "It's something Dad wears to feel comfortable". (Not a lie, but not technically true). Anyway, she kept asking questions and we spoke with their father and he said the next time she asks, ask her what she thinks it is, and if she is wrong, correct her and tell her, if she is right confirm it. When she next asked, I asked her what she thought it was and she said "You're wearing a bra, a ladies bra". (I should point out that she had recently started wearing a bra of her own which would explain her reasons for wondering as it must have felt the same hugging me as it did when she hugged her friends at school). Anyway, telling our son was a little different as he is older than her, but on a maturity level still younger. They are 16 (daughter) and 17 (son) now and have known for a few years now and are both accepting of this aspect of myself. It really depends on the maturity level of the child and whether or not you feel they can understand the concept of keeping a secret.
Someone once told me "Put on Your big girl panties and deal with it". If they only knew, I WAS ALREADY WEARING THEM.
I wear the bras and panties so my wife doesn't have to.
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I'm in the camp that says children (and others as well) do not need to know everything about their parents. TMI! Consider all the things that they will never know (and imagine all the things they will never tell you!) and the only question is where your transgenderism lies. Everyone will have their own answer to that question.
tina
That would be a concern if we only saw each other for a few hours a day. He's homeschooled, though, and I'm here with him all day long. There's no generational wall between us. He's constantly asking me questions about everything in the universe.Originally Posted by Lea Paine
My first wife left me when my kids where real small, and they where raised in a very Conservative church, so I've never felt a need to tell them, one might accept it OK, but he is not one I would trust to keep a secret, not his Strong suit, the other, I'm afraid would run for the hills, and take my grandkids with him, so I'll just keep it to myself.
Tina B.
Magic is the art of changing consciousness at will.
thats a good point sally....its better to talk first than find out later..
i do know people that are highly motivated dressers in supportive situations and the agreement is that girl stuff is stored in the attic or public storage, and outings are 100% start to finish outside the house...
My ten yr old daughter[only child] goes grocery shopping at our neighborhood grocery store with her "Aunt Rogina". Every family is different. I think the last 5 yrs have gone just fine as the newness is well over.
It SURE is my hair ! I have the receipt and the box it came in !
Totally agree! They don't want (or need) to know. Mine never will.
Well if you want every one in the world to be excepting of crossdressing then children should be brought up to think that it is an excepted thing to do and the best way to do that is from birth. If they see it from day one then they will never see it in a negative way. It's like if you got a tattoo before they were born they would think nothing of it when they get older, but get one when they are older and they will talk about it and maybe think you were mad for getting it. My kids saw me dressed from a very young age at first my daughter thought it was cool, but now has a negative opinion about it because her mind was poisoned by her mother
Sophie Mosley
That is just so cool that you have this open relationship with him!
--------
Let me just say this: I homeschooled 3 children (my youngest is now 21). I'm 100% familiar with the benefits, issues, lifestyle, community and school board issues, extended family questions, the politics - all of it. I'm familiar with the relationship it creates with children and how it differs from those in more conventional families'. It doesn't insulate them from generational issues, especially in the teen years. Sophie, only you know your situation. YMMV, but be careful!
Lea
This is one of those questions where there is not a single answer that will fit for every person or situation. My children (3.75 and 5) know, and have known and seen me since birth. My wife and I made the decision that we were not going to hide this part of me from them. We both do a lot of work for local LGBT organizations that work with young people, we have members of the community in our home regularly, and host a transgender support group in our home. If we were to say to our kids that being gay, transgender, etc. is perfectly normal, and then hide that daddy was like that too, we would be being hypocritical at the very least.
That said, it does cause us some moments of anxiety. I am not completely out, and we both have rather high profile jobs in the community: my wife as a teacher and coach and myself as a pastor. We weighed the potential fallout against our beliefs about equality and honesty with our kids; and when something happens we’ll deal with it then.
I think that for those whose dressing is more sexual in nature the need or necessity to be open may not be as high. The question I have is: we complain about how we want to have greater acceptance of us by the general populace, we congratulate one another when we take steps out of our houses into the community, and then we feel we cannot share who we are with the people who know us and love us most. If we raise our kids thinking that there is nothing different or wrong about daddy putting on a dress and heels, or Hannah changing her name to Cade, or Berlyn having two mommies, what harm have we done? Kids are more resilient than we give them credit for.
We have a baby on the way, my wife and I have been discussing the same thing. Personally, I don't want to lie to my child. I'd also like my child to grow up knowing that some people are just different and that's OK, i.e. that conformity isn't the be all and end all of existence, in fact it's a fairly poor way to go about life.
I read this research paper on the experiences of adult children of crossdressers, it pretty much says that the children prefer to know, it doesn't really affect them (psychologically/emotionally) as much as you'd think, and that if you are going to tell them tell them either really early on or after they've gone through their teenage years: http://krex.k-state.edu/dspace/bitst...eisbig2007.pdf
One thing that's an issue for my wife is privacy (as in making sure the kids don't go blurting out to all and sundry that their dad dresses like a lady every once in a while), I'd like to hear others' experiences of that... This is my first child, so I've got no idea how much of an issue it could be. The paper I linked to sort of suggests that the children are quite aware of and appreciative of the family privacy boundary, but I'd assume that's somewhat dodgy territory with a toddler. I'd like to hear how others have dealt with this...
A very personal choice that can only be made by the parents as a joint effort. How will it affect the childrens' lives? I would have to be in that position and then the answer would only be applicable to my circumstance.
I had a female client( about 35 yrs. old.) that has 5 daughters. The client smokes pot daily and has smoked it in front of her kids from day one. The kids are now about 12 or older. None of them smoke pot and none of them chastise their mother for doing so either. To them, it's normal to see the mother smoking pot but it's not their thing; no big deal. For the mother, she felt it important not to hide her habit from the children but rather, allow them to know who their mother really is. The mother had no intention to try and hide what others may perceive as wrong.
kids can't keep secrets, they tend to tell everyone everything, so unless you want to be outed by your kids, I wouldn't tell them anything. last thing I would wants is my daughter telling the class at school that daddy wears dresses at night.
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