Out and Under New Pressures

[LeaP]

How often do I read that accepting yourself, or learning to ignore others, or being comfortable in your own skin, or somesuch is the end to guilt and conflict. Maybe for some. For me, being out (only to my wife to-date) has changed the nature of conflicts, but has not eliminated them.

Guilt over being a crossdresser has been replaced with some guilt over the revelation. That's right, while my wife is supportive, she has her limits and comfort points ... and those things now exist because of me.

Urgency has gone away, but the need or drive to dress has simply been changed into something else I don't understand. The old pattern of resistance, dressing, and purging is gone. Now I don't quite know what I am.

Conflict and hiding doesn't go away when you are partially out. It just changes the audience.

Self-acceptance doesn't change the knowledge of how the world views crossdressers. More colorfully, just because a flower knows and loves being a flower doesn't particularly help it resist a weedburner. Self-acceptance doesn't negate anything.

The pattern of social and gender expectations impacts is that of the death of a thousand cuts. If you are sensitive to the nuances, life delivers you a neverending stream of tiny slurs, whether aimed directly at you or not (those not "merely" aimed at your soul). It seems that being out simply increases the sensitivity.

Being out has increased the cognitive presence of my crossdressing. It has not been better or easier. Just different. It makes me wonder if going further is better or worse.

Lea

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Hmmm, the audience certainly has changed and new conditions certainly have been placed causing more sensitivity to maybe even minor things that may upset the equilibrium of you life. When you are closeted you and only you know so you are the one who is tormented. When you bring others into your world, anything small that you do dressed or not, makes one worried about what effects this coming out may bring to your happy relationship between you and others.
I think it depends on how emotional one is and what your relationship is with others. Funny, I came out to my mother a few months ago and had a wonderful experience, now she has forgotten and I might as well have kept my mouth shut. All I fear is in coming out and we have an argument, will she suddenly remember and start calling me names that will hurt.
All I feel one does is arming others with arrows to shoot back at you when it suits them.

[Eryn]

Growing is not a destination. It is a continuous process.

We tend to fall into a trap of thinking "If I could just [insert milestone] then everything will be perfect." Unfortunately, this is not the case. Every new experience or breakthrough simply opens more doors. Some of them yield new and satisfying results, others bring new challenges and anxieties.

Going out was a major breakthrough for me. After I started going out more regularly I realized that I needed more clothes. This meant that I had to learn more about how to coordinate outfits. This is something that seemed easy in the abstract, but which proved more difficult in the actual doing. Did it make me want to quit? Not really, but it did make me think more seriously about what I was doing, which in itself is a growing experience.

Concerning acceptance, I don't really worry about it. There will always be some people who won't accept me and there is no point in agonizing over it. 99% of the people I encounter will either be clueless that I'm a crossdresser or they will suspect something but not say anything because there is always a chance that I am actually a mannish-looking GG. The remaining 1% are people whose inhibitions have been reduced by alcohol or by being a teenager so I avoid situations that bring me into close contact with that 1%. We tend to imagine the worst, but I no longer think that every burst of laughter I hear when walking through a mall is directed at me!

Eryn

[KellyJameson]

Hi Lea ! Excellant post IMHO. Sometimes I think by "confessing" to crossdressing we than make it something more than it is and give it a power it should not have for others to hurt us with.

Crossdressing only has the power we give it.

We can make it exhilarating by risking exposure of breaking social taboo's.That roaring in your ears and the beating of your heart beat as the adrenaline is poured into your system that comes with high risk that puts you fully in the moment and electrifies life, a bit like rock climbing without ropes or jumping out of an airplane.

Than there are the complex feelings of seeing yourself dressed as a female from the perspective of a male.

Self acceptance does not change others but it does change how we react to them and in what way we need and want people in our lives. Is life not death by a thousand cuts ? Is it possible to no longer be hurt by others and still be living? Would you than not become sick like so much of the world. Your sensitivity is a testament that you are still healthy.

Crossdressing is just one way to open ourselves up to hostility and cruelty but that is more because the world needs to hate, it is easier than to acknowledge their own frustrating cowardly existence and do something about it. Angry fearful people will always find reasons to hate.

I personally think that being sensitive is instrumental to crossdressing so we become trapped by needing to do something that brings pain to the very kind of people who are most sensitive to it. Crossdressing is born of pain and it's expression invites pain but it has the potential to take you beyond pain and free you from yourself but it is the equivalent of walking on the edge of a razor and requires a strange mixture of confidence and caution but so does life.

[Aprilrain]

There are 8,000,000,000 people on the planet, not all of them are going to like you, but you will always find people who will like you when your being genuine and true to yourself. Too bad for so many here the one person they want to love them unconditionally often has the most conditions but then again can you blame her when you hid something from her? Woman HATE that more than any amount of pantie wearing!

[Karren H]

Being an engineer I've done enough analysis to know for a fact that every time you eliminate one restriction or limitation in a system you expose one or more other ones.. Life's not different imho. You never realize your full potential without changing just about everything....

[elizabethamy]

Lea,

I feel your dilemma...I'm in it, too. I have dressed (and underdressed) much more since my wife learned of my crossdressing than I ever did before. Some of my tasks have fallen behind, and I am trying to find ways to work at my job (I telecommute much of the time) while fully dressed. I don't want to think about it 24-7 or dress all the time (I believe that's true so far), but being allowed to come even partially out has made the dressing more prominent and regular.

I think we have to have faith in the process, and in the women we married. This morning I was in a terrible mood when I got dressed. When my wife, who was a recipient of the terrible mood, comes home tonight and asks what made me get out of my funk, I will tell her: I dressed up. How she will handle it is up to her. Whether I will dress tomorrow is unknown. I think for those of us who are new in the process of sharing our former secret, it just has to be day to day.

Could those who have been out to their wives for a long time speak to this? Does there come a point when it stabilizes, and crossdressing becomes just a part of the life, and not the total obsession of both partners?

thanks,

elizabethamy

[docrobbysherry]

The thing is, Lea, crossdressing is a completely new activity for MOST of us! And, like Karren said, any new activity in your life brings new issues also!

If u suddenly developed a compulsion for lawn bowling, it would be similar. You'd have to arrange your life around your bowling schedule. Eventually, you'd develop new friendships based on your new activity! Your old friends and family may, or may not, approve of your overwhelming commitment to bowling. It could effect your entire work, play, and social schedule! Etc., etc., etc!

Expect something similar as u slide down the CDing rabbit hole! Each new CD step of increased activity will bring new issues with it! I hope u can handle all of it!

Sometimes I feel like I'm DROWNING in crossdressing!

[Aprilrain]

crossdressing is a completely new activity for MOST of us!

Hmm? really? this is not the impression I get from the many posts on this forum and from the many CDers I have met. Everyone I talk to has been CDing to some degree since around puberty, some earlier some a little later. I think it is very unusual to start CDing later in life.

I said unusual not unheard of!

[*Vanessa*]

Lea - I feel your suffering and only wish you not have any.

Guilt feeds addiction and addiction feeds guilt.

Try this:

Just start living who you are while you are dressed.
Don't buy into your thoughts after, hear them, feel them, realize they are there and then just let them go.
In time it will all settle out for you.

Hmm? really? I think it is very unusual to start CDing later in life.

I said unusual not unheard of!

YA I'm with you April on the arrived at to the train station late crowd, ya have to wonder 'what the heck'?
I'm not judging here I'm asking the question.

[kimdl93]

Lea, a lot of what you describe is what I guess they call "negative self talk". Lots of us, myself especially, have lived our lives with that nagging little voice telling us we're not attractive enough, or defective, flawed, perverted, etc. That voice doesn't go away just because we have come out to a SO or others. And that voice is cued to play on our insecutiries...whatever they may be. So, even when one has conquered the fear of telling a loved one that inner voice can keep grindng away on your self esteem. But be assured, you are not hearing the disapproval of larger society. The fact is that, disapproving or not, most of the world out there really doesn't care a whit about you or how you're dressed. Its the inner voice you hear - and that voice is lying to you.

And, really, achieving self acceptance isn't really about coming out. Its about believing in yourself as a good, lovable and decent person. When I was going through a very tough time, one of my exercizes in cognitive therapy was to first interupt that voice...literally say stop when it was telling me negative things. And second to immediately counter the lies with the truth about myself...its very Stuart Smiley, I know, but eventually you can cultivate a positive inner voice.

Then, coming out or going out is merely a choice - not a measure of self acceptance.

[Suzette Muguet de Mai]

Sorry Docrob I agree with Aprilrain, I started CD when I was 7 or 8 unknowingly, more serious in later teen years (very closetted and considered a freak/weird), then a break then back again late 30's and on to current time with growing intensity and need.

[LaurenB]

Hey all,

I have to say this is a very thought provoking thread - thanks Lea for putting it out there. The idea of how conflict with my wife will change post being out is the number one reason I stay mostly closeted. Let me explain: first off my wife and I are very close and share a good relationship. Of course, that relationship does have conflict from time to time. Usually she gets frustrated (could be anything) and I say/do the wrong thing and then there is a outpouring of badness. I can deal with it and it passes soon enough and were back to being ok. But I worry most intensely that being out will give her a lever that in the heat of whatever will be used. In that case she'll return to normal as always after cooling off but whatever was said will continue to resonate inside of me. Not sure I can deal with that. So I've decided not to come out all at once.

I have adopted a frog-in-the-pan strategy of coming out that incrementally opens my femininity to her. She already knows that I have a two sided personality. The idea is that as time goes by the changes are not so abrupt as to induce an immediate shock in her life. OK I'm not entirely sure how this will work. But for instance, I occasionally borrow a piece of her clothing (like she occasionally borrows a shirt of mine). I felt her out on growing out my hair - she was encouraging. Small steps. If I sense discomfort on her part I back off. If I sense positive feedback I move forward. A patient and long term approach is what I think will work for us. It will take awhile but I get that it's not all about me.

This coming out thing is a struggle because you have to weigh your desires against the well being of your wife. Yes, I wish I told her before we married. But as many have said here before, I thought it would slowly go away instead of getting stronger as I age (that wasn't in my owners manual!). Why should she have to deal with this, though. I think she has enough on her plate than for her soulmate to lay a socially awkward trip on her.

Anyhow - sorry for the somewhat rambling reply - Lauren

[Kaz]

Chaos Theory.... google it!

[Eryn]

Hmm? really? this is not the impression I get from the many posts on this forum and from the many CDers I have met. Everyone I talk to has been CDing to some degree since around puberty, some earlier some a little later. I think it is very unusual to start CDing later in life.

I said unusual not unheard of!

Now that is a topic for another thread! I have a feeling that many of the people here started or markedly increased their CDing after joining the site.

[LeaP]

Hmm? really? this is not the impression I get from the many posts on this forum and from the many CDers I have met. Everyone I talk to has been CDing to some degree since around puberty, some earlier some a little later. I think it is very unusual to start CDing later in life.

I've been crossdressing as long as I can remember. As a little kid, I'm not sure I knew exactly what it was, of course, but I do remember it, along with all the other girl things I did.

Lea

[LeaP]

Lea, a lot of what you describe is what I guess they call "negative self talk". Lots of us, myself especially, have lived our lives with that nagging little voice telling us we're not attractive enough, or defective, flawed, perverted, etc. That voice doesn't go away just because we have come out to a SO or others. And that voice is cued to play on our insecutiries...whatever they may be. So, even when one has conquered the fear of telling a loved one that inner voice can keep grindng away on your self esteem. But be assured, you are not hearing the disapproval of larger society. The fact is that, disapproving or not, most of the world out there really doesn't care a whit about you or how you're dressed. Its the inner voice you hear - and that voice is lying to you.

And, really, achieving self acceptance isn't really about coming out. Its about believing in yourself as a good, lovable and decent person. When I was going through a very tough time, one of my exercizes in cognitive therapy was to first interupt that voice...literally say stop when it was telling me negative things. And second to immediately counter the lies with the truth about myself...its very Stuart Smiley, I know, but eventually you can cultivate a positive inner voice.

Then, coming out or going out is merely a choice - not a measure of self acceptance.

Thank you, Kim. I've had an odd few days. On one hand, I went out dressed in women's clothes for the first time the other day. Not en-femme, but in women's jeans and top. My wife and I cleaned out our closet, which resulted in me acquiring a number of items from her - slacks, suits, tops, etc. On the other, I've been hitting some of her limits, and the comments keep coming, which has been very hard. I know this is hard for her in many ways, too, but it doesn't make it any easier to deal with. And you're right, every reaction is 100% about my insecurities. Lots of ups and downs in just a few days.

My point in all this, though (as well as yours above re: acceptance) is that being out really doesn't change anything fundamental. There are just times that I wish I wasn't was what I am.

Lea

[LeaP]

This coming out thing is a struggle because you have to weigh your desires against the well being of your wife. Yes, I wish I told her before we married. But as many have said here before, I thought it would slowly go away instead of getting stronger as I age (that wasn't in my owners manual!). Why should she have to deal with this, though. I think she has enough on her plate than for her soulmate to lay a socially awkward trip on her.

Agreed. The conflict between being what I am versus what my wanted (expected, married, etc - take your pick) is pretty high, so when I hear the comments along those lines (usually by way of dismay or disappointment), it's hard not to turn on yourself.

Lea

[LeaP]

I personally think that being sensitive is instrumental to crossdressing so we become trapped by needing to do something that brings pain to the very kind of people who are most sensitive to it. Crossdressing is born of pain and it's expression invites pain but it has the potential to take you beyond pain and free you from yourself but it is the equivalent of walking on the edge of a razor and requires a strange mixture of confidence and caution but so does life.

Perhaps so. It's an interesting perspective and I'm going to give it some thought.

Lea

[Kaz]

I mentioned chaos theory previously because it related to Karren's mention of systems thinking. There is of course an older Physics term... ever action has an equal and opposite reaction.

These may be theoretical concepts, but they ring true for me at the social level too. 'We always hurt the one we love' - not sure who wrote the lyric...

[Contessa]

A few weeks ago We were talking about playing games, I said what about "jacks" and I was told that is a girls game but that doesn't mean I didn't play it. I have learned how move past things much more easily than I use too. Don't take life so harshly. There is only this one life that I know of right now.