Can't run away from crossdressing

[Val Tan]

Several years back, when I was still single, I had the usual crossdressing cycle. When I got with my girlfriend, I purged everything. I told her I liked wearing panties, and she was shocked at first, but then was fine with it and supported it. So that was great, and I was very happy being able to wear panties all the time. I never thought about wearing anything beyond panties, and I thought that was what I needed - someone I loved that kept me rooted.

As time passed, and we got married, I was "clean", panties were all I wore, and I was really happy with the arrangement. And then the fights - fights themselves are normal in any relationship. But what happened was that it got worse and worse each fight, and there didn't seem to be any solution. Whatever I was trying was not working, and her anger would get worse, and the things she said would get nastier, with each fight. At some point, it got so bad I felt really, really hurt very deeply, and that was when it started. "It" being the thoughts of crossdressing. And to "support" that thought, I would go shopping. At first I bought sports bras, and wore them at work. Then I would wear them to the gym (under male clothes). I also bought a women's polo tee, which I have been wearing out (they look like the kind of more fitted clothes that metrosexual men wear). Crossdressing seems to... comfort me. I don't know why. After every fight, the urge to crossdress gets stronger, and I get bolder and bolder. I thought I was done with crossdressing. But it turns out I can't run away from it.

[kimdl93]

Disagreements are part of any relationship. Fights, particularly, a cycle of escalating conflicts, are not normal. CDing need not (and probably shouldn't) become a palliative for a troubled relationship.

I would step back from the CDing for a moment and look into the nature of your relationship with your wife. What are your "fights" about? What is it about the way you and she communicate that leads you into arguements? It is not a given that every disagreement needs to deteriorate into recriminations and anger. That's, as my therapist said, "a choice". And its a bad choice - one that is often fatal to a relationship. And even if it isn't fatal, why make each other's lives miserable by turning disagreements into hostilities? Find another way, Please!

[deebra]

Dump her and start enjoying something that you enjoy, crossdressing.

[Piora]

Dump her and start enjoying something that you enjoy, crossdressing.

Okay, I don't know whether you're kidding or not, but if you aren't.....that's really not very helpful or supportive. You don't throw away a marriage on a whim. Besides, the CDing part doesn't appear to be part of the issue.

Val Tan, it's dangerous to start to use crossdressing as a crutch. It can appear as a safe haven at first, but there's a danger that it can consume you....taking your concentration away from something that's very important here....your marriage. So, what happens is...instead of dealing with the problems, it can cause you to have a tendency to retreat from the issues that you're having with your SO.

Kim offers up some good advice, and says it better than I can I think. Keep talking with your wife. Don't hide or withdraw from the issues. Work towards compromise - whatever the problems may be.

[Suzy Parker]

"Can't run away from crossdressing"

Not very fast wearing 5" Stiletto's.

Sorry, couldn't help myself.

Suzy 2

[Robin-in-TX]

Dump her and start enjoying something that you enjoy, crossdressing.

This is someone else's relationship and I doubt you know them. It is not helpful at all to make such an uninformed suggestion. I may be new here, but I could not let this go.

[Jskylar]

I seem to be seeing this from another angle than you lot. The cross dressing is Ok. Wether fights started it off or not it is obviously a part of who you are. If it is comfort that you wanted, then sure why not cross dress. If it makes you feel happy and its what you need. As for the fights it is a separate issue. You will either work it out together or you will drift apart. Talking and being forward but not too blunt (girls want to be listened to and comforted) from my experience anyway. You have to figure out who is starting the fights and why. Are you both up-tight? Is she not happy deep inside? Is it you who is not happy?
Like I said before. The cross dressing is another issue. It came back. It might have come back anyway. Running away from it isn't going to work so integrate it into your life and try to sort out your issues by talking to your wife.

[jillleanne]

Can you clarify if the arguments/fights are directly related to your desire to dress en femme? That is unclear in your thread. If not, why mention your desire to dress is triggered by fighting? Lot's of things trigger urges to dress. The issue you need to address is the fighting. No good relationship can survive that longterm. You can run from dressing but you can't hide forever. The same can be said about arguing and that will become the bigger issue far too soon so concentrate on repairing the marriage first.

[CD Tammy]

I've done the purge and start accumulating again. I miss some of the old stuff. As for the ex-wife or ex-girlfriends? Not hardly.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Van Tan,


You never really said if the "fights" were about you dressing or other things that are normal in a relationship. Also, you said your wife was ok with you dressing, Is that still the case, or had she changed in that matter?

I understand how dressing can be a de-stresser. Have you opened up to her about all of this, or is it something that you are keeping to yourself. In my experience, communication is always best, good luck.

[Tina B.]

Val Tan, I' sorry to here you are having such a rough go of it. from your post I'm not sure what the two of you fighting about. But it sounds like she has a bit of a mean streak in her fighting style, not sure that helps with conflict resolution. But I do understand how the stress can drive you to increased dressing or at least the desire to dress more. I think an outsider that the two of you could talk to might be the only thing that will work in a case like this, you two need to learn to argue with out the hurt, and get down to what the real problem is, if it's the dressing and you can't work out a compromise, then I've afraid it's an uphill battle from there, some get by with a Don't ask, don't tell, some make room for the spouse to have alone time. Some don't find an answer that works for them at all, I'm sorry to say, but I think it all hangs on talking to each other, and both parties loosening to what the other says, and feels. Good lucky I hope the two of you can find mutual grounds for happiness.
Tina B.

[sterling12]

Noted many times in The Literature, and numerous times on this Forum....there seems to be A "Default" Setting for Transgendered People. In times of Stress, severe psychological hurt, marriage problems, we often "default" into more episodes of Crossdressing, or we start dressing again after a period of abstinence. So, your behavior and feelings aren't unusual.

Your Marital Problems may be The Triggering Event for The Crossdressing, but your Crossdressing probably has little to do with the actual causes of your Discord. You have one major reality to examine. (Aside from the problems in your marriage, and we suggest counseling) The actual act of Crossdressing is soothing, and therefore "reinforces" the desire to dress and escalate further. All humans will have problems in their lives, and your going to face this same dilemma again, and again. If it disturbs you, better start to try and understand what is going on! Learning to accept yourself and your behaviors is a very big first step. The odds are very good that you will always seek solace in Crossdressing. That can be a very good, or a very bad thing; and it all depends on how you perceive it. Good luck with your marriage.....good luck with your Life.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Dena]

If you are wanting to crossdress to pamper and feel good about yourself, I would say find the time and do it!