The person who judges me most is me

[KellyT]

I was out shopping with my wife the other day. She knows I crossdress and is accepting. when I first broached the subject several years ago she took it very well and I was the one in floods of tears and shaking. Since then I have bought a few items of clothing such as sweaters and such like. My wife seems very happy for me to express this side of me. Recently I have wanted to take this further and told my wife of boots, tights and a denim skirt I have and would like to wear them around the house in the evening.She was initially reluctant, but then said yes and appears totally fine with it. Her one condition is that I don't let the kids see me. (she's worried that the kids will tell their friends at school).
Anyway... back to the story, we were shopping and my wife came up to me and showed me this fur scarf. She said, "doesn't it feel so soft and beautiful?". Well of course it did, but I was reticent to say so and just nodded. She asked if she should buy it. I said yes, it would look nice on her. She replied "no, I mean for you".

I was taken aback and stammered "no! I probably wouldn't wear it".

So to the title of my post. My wife is amazing, fantastic, brilliant and every other superlative I could heap upon her. She wants to make me happy and I turn it down?????????? I knew she would want me to wear it generally out and about, which was amazing. (all my dreams come true). But faced with my dream and my dream coming true I panicked and went all male and gruff and didn't really want to know.

Afterwards I ended up in a foul mood, because I had been so stupid.

Does anyone else feel like this. My big problem with cross dressing is me.... The person who judges me most is me... Why do I do this to myself. I feel so nervous dressing in with her there. I feel like i'm being stupid, letting her down and so on. I've told her all this and she said not to be stupid, but still I cut myself up. The big problem is me. Although my wife accepts me for who i am and how I dress I still really struggle to dress in front of her.

Any comments would be appreciated. I realise I'm in a lucky situation and it's my block that is causing the problem

[Marleena]

You are very lucky, congrats! You need to let her in, I think you somehow feel embarassed or uncomfortable with her participating. That is awesome for her to think of you when she sees clothes she thinks you may like.

You are probably not used to anyone accepting you as a CDer. Being it's your SO, it's probably new and foreign to you. She loves you and understands you. It's a blessing.

[drag n fly]

Ever think of telling her, just like you told us here? I'm sure she'd love to hear how much you love her and feel about dressing in front of her...My wife is ever so slightly accepting. But I am thankful for even this...At least I don't have to sneak around hiding everything...She may not like it, but it's me...and my coming out to her has taken a huge load off...You lucky dog...Give her a big kiss for me Jackie

[carhill2mn]

It is quite common for CDs to have difficulty accepting themselves for whom they really are. You are not the first one of whom I have read where the SO is more accepting than the CD herself. You are, indeed, fortunate that your wife is so understanding and accepting. Don't be so hard on yourself! Sit back and enjoy the ride!

[sallyissuper]

Give yourself a break. Trust your wife. It can be so much fun. My wife and I play dress up all the time and we both enjoy it. Accept yourself and have fun.

[Melody1985]

You are very lucky, congrats! You need to let her in, I think you somehow feel embarassed or uncomfortable with her participating. That is awesome for her to think of you when she sees clothes she thinks you may like.

You are probably not used to anyone accepting you as a CDer. Being it's your SO, it's probably new and foreign to you. She loves you and understands you. It's a blessing.

I could not have said this any better.. Luckily, this wasn't a one time only chance to have your dream come true.. Talk about your reason for rejecting the offer like you did here, and I'm sure she will understand that. Lastly, I believe you will be fine. Good luck Kelly!

[ReineD]

You need to trust that she will always love all of who you are. Take a leap of faith, and just let go. Don't worry, she'll catch you.

And I don't think it's too late to go back and admit you were embarrassed about telling her how much you like the scarf, and so you panicked and clammed up. And do tell her you were angry at yourself for having done this afterwards. Also, do tell her you're afraid that she will stop loving you because of the CDing.

If you want to get in touch with feminine feelings, what I've just described above is vulnerability and emotional honesty. It's OK to be this way.

[KellyT]

Don't be so hard on yourself! Sit back and enjoy the ride!

Yip Thank you and I know I am so lucky. I do really need to sit back and enjoy the ride... I tell my wife everyday that I love her and I try and just go with it, but I think it's the fact that I love her so much I really don't want to disappoint her. I've always been mega worried about what others think (I know this is shallow and stupid), but it really means a lot to me that my wife doesn't think bad of me. I love her more because she is genuinely accepting. I think I just am taken aback as i've never really opened up to someone before. Never really just been me. I know who i've been for a long time. It's just that i've never accepted who I am for a long time and now I can it's very difficult. I know i'll get there though

[KellyT]

You need to trust that she will always love all of who you are. Take a leap of faith, and just let go. Don't worry, she'll catch you.

And I don't think it's too late to go back and admit you were embarrassed about telling her how much you like the scarf, and so you panicked and clammed up. And do tell her you were angry at yourself for having done this afterwards. Also, do tell her you're afraid that she will stop loving you because of the CDing.

If you want to get in touch with feminine feelings, what I've just described above is vulnerability and emotional honesty. It's OK to be this way.

Thank you. "It's OK to be this way. "] You just made me feel very emotional.
I will speak to her and everything you said makes sense. Thank you

[PretzelGirl]

I and probably many members have been where you are. Some of us push too far when we get our wife's acceptance. Then there are those like you and me that pull back because we don't want to push. As a result we can look like we don't appreciate the acceptance we are getting. We fear pushing too far and causing the acceptance to go away. I caught on to this and had a sitdown chat with my wife and daughter. That is what you must do now. Talk with her and let her know that you are just trying to not push.

Constant communication, as always stated in this forum, is a key to keeping a relationship on an even keel. If you are talking with her telling her these feelings, then she will also be talking with you to tell you if you are pushing too far. Through this, trust develops and everyone becomes a little more comfortable.

[Erica Marie]

I know EXACTLY how u feel. About a year ago I came out and told my gf. At first she didnt know how to react. But after talking and telling her more about me she has heen suprisingly accepting. She has given me a few of her old outfits, she has even purchased a few things for me. She is willing to let me dress and be myself, but is not ready yet to see me dressed. She is willing to let me have a cd friend to share my lifestyle with but being from a small town that seems to be an impossible thing. She has even given me her blessing to go out dressed if I can find a safe place. But I never have and have a real fear of not passing. So the fear has held me back from trying. It is a tough lifestyle. I guess if it was more commonly accepted it would be alot easier. So to anyone with an accepting wife or gf who is willing to help you progress. Please grab the opportunity.

[sissystephanie]

Kelly, you should be the one who judges yourself the most. That is a natural action for everyone. I have been a CD for most of 70 years, and have certainly judged myself on many occasions. And yes, you will make judgemental mistakes on occasion! But don't worry about them, because everyone does that! Believe me, with my experience I do know what I am talking about!! BTW, I have a very dear GG friend in Aberdeen, Scotland and heve been to her house several times.

[Aprilrain]

You need to trust that she will always love all of who you are. Take a leap of faith, and just let go. Don't worry, she'll catch you.

And I don't think it's too late to go back and admit you were embarrassed about telling her how much you like the scarf, and so you panicked and clammed up. And do tell her you were angry at yourself for having done this afterwards. Also, do tell her you're afraid that she will stop loving you because of the CDing.

If you want to get in touch with feminine feelings, what I've just described above is vulnerability and emotional honesty. It's OK to be this way.

This is basically what I would have said, very well put. Having been male and been in a place where I was totally unaccepting of myself I know how hard it can be to be honest about ones feelings.

[KellyJameson]

Very honest thread KellyT, I admire your courage in posting it and the deep love you must have for your wife that is evident in your fear of hurting or losing her.

Your reasons for judging yourself are simple but the solution is not. By crossdressing you are going against everything you have been taught means being a "Man" probably since you were very young and if you are not a man how will it be possible for your wife to continue to love you.

You are fighting the sickness of the world we are born into by trying to escape the narrow roles imposed on individuals according to their sex. This will require the same courage as going into battle and you may feel at times you are risking your very life.

Pay attention to that feeling that you are doing something "unmanly" because this will cause an emotional reaction of fear and or anger. With practice you will stop reacting even though the feeling that you are doing something unmanly may never go away depending on how deeply you have been affected by the ingrained roles of society.

Every step you take not only will free you but everyone else as well.

[KellyT]

Thanks everyone. All of your comments are very helpful