Self Betrayal?

[Lex]

It's been a long time since I've been here. Years, if memory serves.

It's funny, when I was what, sixteen? this forum was a very important part of my life. The people here made me feel accepted and were such a great source of support and solidarity. There was no doubt in my mind that I was a guy in the wrong body. It was hard, but there were people here who shared this situation, or similar situations, with me.

And now...Now I am twenty-three. Now I think of myself as a woman. Now I am happy as a woman. Although, even now, those words are not typed easily. My fingers hesitate. My mind resists. I can't help but feel that I have betrayed my younger self. How could I accept what was once unacceptable?

I don't understand. How could I feel so male and then so female? How did I slide across the spectrum like this? And will I ever slide back?

On one hand I am content. It feels so much easier to not fight my body the way I once did. This path will not cause me to lose my family. This path will not cause as many problems.

But on the other hand...I can feel my younger self, staring at me, through time, trying to figure out who I am. Trying to realize where he went wrong.

[mistunderstood]

May-be he was not wrong at the time you needed him for what ever reason. Some times people have to create things to shield themselves from pain in order to survive. I know I did. For me I knew I was male from early child hood. Aaron keep me safe while my female name took all the pain. Life is a journey and in order to grow we have to ask our-selves hard questions and be honest in our answers.
You are always welcome to come here and let us know how you are doing.

[Debglam]

I don't understand. How could I feel so male and then so female? How did I slide across the spectrum like this? And will I ever slide back?

Hi Lex,

I hope you don't mind me answering as a MtF. I think for some of us (alot of us?) our gender identity isn't absolute. I think it is possible to slide back and forth and I don't think that is any kind of "sell out." I just think that is how this gender stuff affects some of us, myself included.

Debby

[Sheren Kelly]

Lex,
I can second what Debbie says. Cycling a bit in not unusual. You may want to think of yourself as having a wider gender expression than most, enabling you to be have a valid male and female side. As Shakespeare said "to thyne own self be true". Embrace all of what you are and cherish that which makes you unique.

[Andy66]

I think for some of us (alot of us?) our gender identity isn't absolute. I think it is possible to slide back and forth and I don't think that is any kind of "sell out." I just think that is how this gender stuff affects some of us, myself included.

Yeah, what she said. What is this fascination with labels we humans have? Maybe you are just YOU... whatever that is, and nevermind the labels.