veterans with SO issues, can you offer some perspective?

[elizabethamy]

Hi everyone,

In previous threads I have veritably bragged about how open my wife was to the revelation (accidental) of my crossdressing. But things have backslid terribly in recent days, culminating in a therapy session that she walked out of and stayed incommunicado for more than 5 hours. I said some things I probably shouldn't have, but I just cant' bring myself to promise that I won't dress or that I am sure it won't lead to more (shaving, 24-7 femme, going out, even transitioning -- it's all taboo right now).

We have loved each other for a long time, been married 30 years (!), and though there are other non-CD issues that have always been there, this seems to be shaping up as the last straw. I'm hoping that my despair tonight is as misplaced as my braggadocio was a month ago.

For those of you who have been doing this dealing-with-the-reluctant SO while exploring shtick for a while now, what can you tell me? When she is not open to this, it is a very lonely life.

except for my private therapist and this site, which is saving my life every day.
thank you all so much!

elizabethamy

[SallyS]

I've been married 20+ years, and my wife has known about it since before we got married. She has always tolerated it, but never fully embraced it. She's OK about me dressing up, but likes to keep things very private, so it goes no further than our front door.

I have recently discovered that she now has a slight problem with actually seeing me dressed-up in front of her, after all I am the MAN she married.

Maybe because I can look quite feminine, she loses sight of the man behind the make-up??? We NEVER get 'Close & Personal', when I'm in female mode and I can understand why? She married a man, and expects that man to be laying next to her in bed. I think what might have happened is that because I can these days, I dress more. She doesn't understand that I can switch between the two personalties and be me one day and Sally the next.

All I do now is not 'overtly' flaunt Sally in her face, and keep her at arms length.
My wife still has no problem with me doing it, but would now prefer not to see too much of her.....which due to our current work set-up, I'm at home 3 days and she's at work most of the week, works out OK.

I guess it boils down to talking, understanding and see if there is a compromise?

[Stephanie47]

Is there some slant on the issue because you are a veteran? I believe in other threads there has been mention by several veterans that CDing helps dealing with PTSD. My wife and I are in a DADT situation, which is fine with me. CDing brings releif from stressful situations. I haven't conveyed that to my wife. She and I go to couples counseling because of the PTSD. Maybe she has gained some insight with exploring the issue by herself, because she does not through CDing in my face. Recently she found and washed a pair of my Vanity Fair panties that I had inadvertently left out. Nothing was said. I think she has finally realized my male core is still the same as when she married me. There are issues that may arise in a marriage that have nothing to do with CDing, and, yes, you're correct- CDing becomes the justification for ending it. I also believe, if the woman has issues herself, she may be more prone to accept the CDing. Let the person without sin cast the first stone.

That being said, I also known my wife does not want my CDing thrown in her face. So, I am 'closeted' except when she is out of town. Since I consider my CDing to be a part of my self therapy in combating PTSD, I find no reason to create stressful situations with my wife or 'out' myself to family and friends. That would be counter productive.

If being enfemme and wearing makeup in front of her truly upsets her, why do it? If she is truly hostile to CDing, not being en femme around her will not make a difference. A person can have a long memory. She has the ability to throw it up into your face anytime she wants. And, it may not take anything you do to make her see images of you enfemme. A television show, a news report, anything- just like combat related PTSD- may incite her mind.

[Barbara Ella]

I am out to my wife for only 2 weeks. Am a Veteran in the military sense, but not in the long term CD sense (4 months), but you get my 2 cents worth anyhow. Even in the 2 weeks, my wife has swung from total acceptance to guarded acceptance. She has not been exposed to a full blown enfemme presentation yet and she has told me she probably could not handle it, but will view it and make judgement at that time. She is fine with causal CD around the house, underdressing, panties and bra, slacks with hose and flats, no makeup, nails, etc. She has firmly stated that the femme will not come to bed, and I respect that. I cannot promise what will or wont happen in the future, I can only tell her what I feel at the moment, and trust that we will communicate with each other when situations and desires change, and I will not dump on her all at once. I expect this tolerance to change with time, and not be a constant, because my life is not a constant anymore. I dont know what was said in the session, but you need to talk with her and find out what you said, and discuss it somehow. Let her proceed at her pace, and if you need to slow up a bit, or go more into private, do it now for the better long term.

Babes

[elizabethamy]

Hi folks, thanks for the responses (I got some in private as well as on the thread). Things are better. The next day my wife went with me to my ongoing personal "what's this CD stuff really about" therapy session (different therapist) and everything got worked out, for now. Communication is the key, and even more important, at least in the short term, is having a therapist who is supportive rather than negative, and who is trying to help the relationship rather than dissect it. We have agreed that we don't know everything yet, but that we have been together forever and we can be together right now, and enjoy it, while the learning process continues. Ever since I started this new compulsion of dressing, the ups are really high and the downs are really low. On to the holidays!

[DonnaT]

My wife has known for 36 yrs and there have been a number of ups and downs, acceptance to non-acceptance and back. Working it out takes time. My wife is OK with my dressing around the house, and in bed, as long as I don't wear a wig, makeup or pretend to be a woman.

It's important to get across that this is a characteristic that will never go away.