I've read too many posts on this topic and decided it needed a focused thread of it own.
The topic is lying and the question is whether not disclosing crossdressing (e.g., before entering a permanent relationship) constitutes a lie in any way that is meaningful or helpful. By that last bit, I specifically wish to avoid narrow technical definitions, as by that standard every one of us are blatant liars for not disclosing everything we've ever done or thought.
The opening stipulation is that crossdressing is presumed to materially impact the SO personally and emotionally, the SO's view of the relationship itself as well as with the crossdresser, and constitute something the SO would have taken into consideration before commencing the relationship, had it been disclosed.
The other statement I'd make up front but isn't really a stipulation, is that the concept of lying critically depends on intent, that is to deliberately hide or deceive for self-centered reasons.
My answer to the question? It depends. Here are some examples:
"The Hobbyist"
In the case of the pure hobbyist who can take or leave dressing, who might be a bit embarrassed but otherwise views dressing as a harmless sidelight, the omission constitutes lying. The rationale is basically that there is little in the way of the disclosure and, when weighed against the SO's concerns, the latter so outweighs the crossdresser's concerns that the SO's take precedence. For the hobbyist to not disclose may actually indicate a basic lack of consideration for the relationship, if not for the SO.
"The Fetishist"
In the case of the fetishist, with or without a serious kink or commitment to the behavior, the omission constitutes lying. My take on this one is that it falls into the category of sexual taste, which is (or should be) a normal discussion point anyway as a relationship progresses. Moreover, as with the hobbyist, it is relatively harmless, assuming the fetish isn't extreme or pathological. Once again, the SO's concerns would trump a point of taste. A second point here is that a harmless fetish isn't typically threatening to the SO's lifestyle and expectations, certainly not in the same way that a disclosure of, say, transsexuality would be. People tolerate (or celebrate!) all kinds of things in the bedroom or for the sake of their sexual relationships.
"The Protector"
In the case of the person who consciously chooses not to disclose for the reason of (supposedly) protecting their SO, my very personal take is that this not only constitutes lying, but compounds the situation by adding several other issues, which I'll decline to list. The only one I will mention is that this motivation amounts to transference. As such, one can look at it as sort of delusional, which might change one's mind on the lying point, but my suspicion is that the protector stance is just too transparently self-serving. The few, true-blue protective situations aren't worth discussing, as they would just confuse the issue.
"The Closeted"
In the case of the deeply suppressed or conflicted transsexual or crossdresser (with or without gender identity issues), trans or cross-gendered people generally, and in the case of trans people coming to late-in-life realization, the omission is not a lie. (I've lumped all into "TG" in this section for notational convenience, with apologies to both the crossdressers who dislike the term as well as the TS population.) The essence of my argument is that the hiding is tied to survival, sometimes psychological, sometime physical, sometimes both. That alone trumps the SO's concerns, even recognizing their seriousness.
As an opening point, I hope it's obvious to all that TG people are often not aware at the start of the relationship. No awareness, no omission, and no lie.
In the case where the behavior results in purges, the TG person is convinced each and every time that the behavior is gone or that it's been dealt with, essentially through self-punishment and compartmentalization. I acknowledge the dissonant or delusional nature of this pattern, but the salient point is psychological inability, i.e., true denial. Further, psychologists have noted that denial often turns to hyper masculine behavior. I.e., rather than struggling to tell - the holding back that the SO suspects and which might constitute the liar's self-serving aspect - the TG person is actually, psychologically running in the other direction!
In the case of "simple" conflict, the issue is the depth of the conflict. The problem here is that cross-gender feelings and behavior are incredibly shameful. This is the case where the argument of trust and betrayal come up the most. Thing is, the denial is based more on the fear of loss for the sense of SELF and self-worth than for the loss of the SO. Something I once read comes to mind. Paraphrased, it was that trans people are "beyond queer," that even the LGB population doesn't really accept or understand them. Trust in or for the SO has nothing to do with the ongoing hiding. Rather, the hiding is deeply conditioned, often lifelong.
In the case where the TG "progresses" or emerges in the sense of self-realization unfolding (i.e., not progressing in the sense of one thing leading, as a consequence, to another), you might think there would be disclosure at some point, but it's really a variant on the basic conflict point, above. Trust in other contexts doesn't mitigate against psychological survival. This segues into suppression.
Suppression is not about hiding or holding back. Suppression is an unconscious reaction pushing away that which is unacceptable to one's sense of proper self. The TG person's psyche does not allow the forbidden feelings to co-exist with their daily life. There's always a consequence and it's usually depression and/or withdrawal. At its worst, people push away their real personalities and identities to such an extent that they are virtually unrecoverable without serious therapy. To suggest that a suppressed person is lying in not disclosing is absurd. In fact, a really deeply suppressed person might not even know what you are talking about until the point of realization and coming out.
Role expectations play a larger role (sic) than people think. Couples enter relationships with role expectations, whether explicitly understood or not. It is 100% impossible not to do so, as every culture and every last individual has gender role notions. (Hopefully THIS is inarguable, in this forum of all places, else the very notion of gender has to be discarded!) Relationship building depends, in large part, on identifying and finding commonalities. People do not focus on the outliers. In fact, the biology of attraction in the early phases is such that we minimize or dismiss them entirely, if we allow them to creep in at all. What's the pattern? "She's just like me!" "We think so much alike that we're almost the same person!" Love is a wonderful thing. It can change people and we always think that will apply to us. That nagging little dressing thing? Pshhh - doesn't matter a bit! Until we come down from the clouds. Sometimes that's a week after the honeymoon, but more likely years later and maybe after a child or two. By then, the role expectations are the subject of marital pressure and fights. Which leads to power issues.
Once in a relationship, the ongoing lack of disclosure plays into a couple's power dynamics. The very best illustration for this is the accusation of lying itself! Accusations by their nature have a strong aspect or assumption of moral superiority. It's bad enough that role pressure increases the TG's internal conflicts, pushing them further into the closet. Adding power struggles into the mix brings in other complications, including T-triggered anger and rage, and winds up driving cisgender behavior like aggression that plays into the typical TG self-loathing cycle.
For the TG person, disclosure itself - talking - raises a point few mention. TALKING about gender issues immerses the TG person full bore INTO their inner conflict. Dressing (and other closeted behaviors) by contrast, RELIEVE it. The closer to the surface that the discussion goes, the more the alarms go off. Talking about cross-gendered behaviors is felt by the TG as extremely risky. It can trigger panic, flight, fighting, withdrawal, and depression. Dressing is "in the zone," a coping mechanism. Talking is in the here and now and the TG person knows (or fears) exactly where surfacing the issue before the time is right leads - to personal destruction, no matter how conceived.
There's an additional point related to risk that also goes unrecognized by most SOs: that they are the riskiest people of all to talk to because they matter the most! That's a weird kind of validation, but it happens to be true. As a result, the lie accusation cuts to the heart.
I have a functional objection to the lie accusation in that what underlies suppression and hiding is shame and guilt. What does the accusation trigger? Shame and guilt! The TG goes immediately to psychological defense, i.e., exactly where it started. The SO disconnects. Things get worse immediately.
My summation for the closeted category - for the TG person - is that to term lack of disclosure a lie is to utterly and completely miss the point of what's really going on. It's also a one-sided misrepresentation, itself based on personal need. There's an entitlement aspect to it. Strip away the emotion attendent to the situation and you'll find a SO who is at one of two poles: non-understanding or disgusted. The first is understandable. The second is behind comments to the effect that the SO would have run in the other direction if the situation were known
I do understand where the impression of lying comes from. I do understand the feelings of betrayal. I understand the concern for the relationship and for self. The reactions and emotions are real. Properly, those feelings belong to the post-disclosure period before one understands the realities. At that point humanity and empathy should prevail as regards the disclosure question itself.
Understanding, of course, has nothing whatsoever to do with any issues consequent to the disclosure. The relationship still might not survive or be wanted. Lives may be wasted or devastated. There might be fallout with children and family. Nothing, however, changes the fact that the disclosure can't happen before it can happen. And it's exactly the same with many similar things in life, from eating disorders, to adoption, abuse, psychological issues, learning disabilities, birth defects, and a hundred other things. All of which, by the way, are extended a level of heartfelt empathy of which those with gender issues can only dream. Beyond queer indeed.
The notion that lack of disclosure for the closeted is a lie is, well, a lie.
Your turn.
Lea
Ten Years Living 24/7 as a Mature Lady
Originally Posted by Lea Paine
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