Originally Posted by
jillleanne
Hi Annabelle, I dressed since I can remember, knew I was different but didn't have a name for it during adolescent years, pre-computer days, etc. At the time I suppose I probably even called it 'a problem ' as well, I don't recall. I was never one to dwell much on anything or worry about much for long. I have always just gone with the flow and accepted life as it came and continue to deal with it as it comes(long story,technically, I am not supposed to be alive).
I never considered the impact being tg might have on my marriage at an early age into the marriage and never gave it much thought at the time. I like eveyone else, thought I could quit, purge it, change, etc., only to have it return without planning it. So was it a lie at the time? Did I know I was permanently gender enhanced? Did I know I could not control it for life? Nope, did not. I was not concealing any lies at that time. IF however, I was to expose my gender isssue then, not even knowing at the time what I was doing was recognizing a potential life long lie, and say to my wife at the time " Honey, I know you do not know anything about this because I never told you before, I guess because I never really gave it much importance always thinking it would just go away, but maybe telling you could help me understand something about myself and we can try to figure this out together. Let me start from the beginning....", I would have been accepting and exposing my gender issues then and there, and no lie would have been born . But I didn't and few do. I do understand how easy it was to become confused. So when does the lie become 'the lie'? When does the lie become a lie to you and when does it become a lie to others? It will never occur at the same time, never. When one consciously knows what they do is 'different( shame)' from social norms, hides(fear/guilt) it from others in any of many ways, with or without the assistance of the internet, regardless of understanding any implications the secret(lie) may have, constitutes a lie to yourself. The lie to others from the cd's point of view, occurs when one knowingly lies to the s/o having kept the lie a secret for whatever reason. The lie initially, from the s/o's standpoint I would expect , occurs at the point of discovery. That realization can change after discussions reveal more.
