Sisters' comments are hurtful

[Katelyn B]

Well, it appears in my short time hear the only time I start a post is to rant about something, and this is no different.

Anyway, Christmas day I'm at my parents house (staying for the week since it's traditional the family gathers at this time of year) along with my sister and her husband. We're doing the exchange of gifts and when I hand my sister her gift she notices my nails, which are quite long and (I think) rather pretty. Since my family don't know about Katelyn I'm in guy mode for the week.

Well, she loudly explains that my talons are creepy. I don't know why she just noticed as they've been like this for at least two years, and she hasn't noticed that my arms are completely hairless and my eybrows are in far too neat a condition for an adverage man.

Anyway, over christmas dinner she continues to go on about how they make me look girly and creepy and weird etc.

This was quite hurtful and another setback in my dream of ever comming out to my fmaily and also a little upsetting because whilst I could understand girly and possible funny, creepy makes her feelings quite clear, that she considers men with long nails as unacceptable in (what is her view) normal society.

To keep the peace I didn't say anything about it (though I did mention it in another thread hear).

Well, tonight, she and her husband came over to my parents for dinner and to play a game (Dominion, really excellent game by the way).

This time the teasing (if you can call it that) escalated into me being equated with a kiddie fillder (her words). Once again I didn't respond save to say I like them becausad I don't want to start a fight and I don't like confrontations.

Of course, once again I find this to be hurtful but the level hse has taken it to makes wonder if

A) She suspects the truth and wants to push me into confessing, but if that were the case why do it in front of my whole family.

B) She's being a bitch, which is unlike her, teasing to be a pain (yes) but she's not normally mean with it.

C) She has a ral prolem with transgendered people

D) She's shocked that her brother has womanly nails and doesn't know how to deal with it. I've never been manly, spent my whole childhood playing with her and her dolls, but frokm her point of view I guess I've always been her nbig brother and she doesn't know how to deal with the fact I'm not who she thought I was

D) I have nbo idea why shes doing it


Grrrrrrrrrrrr


Any thoughts about how I should handle this? I'll be seeing her oce more before I leave and am tempted to take her aside and have a quite word, but am not sure how far to go with what I say.

I would love to come out to her, but don't want to if she isn't gong to accpet me, and from her comments i don't hold out much hope of that at the moment

Thanks for letting me rant

/Katie

XXX

[Stephenie S]

Do I have any suggestions for dealing with this?

Yeah, a couple.

You need to "come out" to her. She hasn't a clue what's going on and you, having not said a word to her, are guessing what she is thinking? Doesn't that seem a bit F'ed up to you? You won't tell her what's going on and now you are trying to guess what SHE'S thinking about you.

Either tell her and get it out in the open or stop trying to figure out what she is thinking about something she knows nothing about. Talk about the blind leading the blind, here.

If she has always been kind and supportive, then give her the benefit of the doubt and have that little talk. You don't have to get into it too deeply. I dunno. Tell her you are "exploring your feminine side", or some other innocuous tidbit, and leave it at that.

S

[DanaR]

Until this situation, how has your relationship with her gone? Do you always fight or bicker? If you are always bickering, then maybe this is just her. If you normally get along okay, there might be something going on in her life that she is struggling with. I think that maybe a talk with her is in order. Ask her and tell her how you felt.

It might not be time to tell her though.

[SandraAbsent]

If there is one thing I have learned about coming out it is this...
Coming out in itself never equals acceptance.

Acceptance comes from understanding. I agree with what has been said here in that trying to guess what each other is thinking is the blind leading the blind. The very first family member I came out to was my sister. She had already questioned things like why I groom my brows, why I shaved my legs, and so on. I had fear beyond fear, but was forced into the situation when I needed her to tend to my house while I was in the hospital. A house that at this point was covered with girl stuff What was her reaction? "Mehhh no big deal, my best friends dad is fully transitioned and is now Eddie instead of Ed." Needless to say, all my fears were unfounded, you just never know. What I was good at doing, was explaining to her the "Why?" So that she understood that it wasn't just a fetish or fling. This is how I have approached everyone I have come out to and forward. I now live full time with the exception of work, and as of January 3rd, I will be out at work. This has been my biggest challenge yet and has involved not only coming out to my co-workers, but also every single one of my 40-50 clients. My approach has stayed consistent. The lesson I have learned each step of the way is that you cant just out yourself, it has to be planned and well thought out based on the individual relationships you have with each person involved.

Even with all of this, I still face my challenges. The same sister that has been supportive all the way for me told me this weekend that her and her husband agreed that me coming to there house as a woman would be too much for them to have to explain to their children and had the gall to ask me to "de-gender" myself if I was coming over. Then in further discussion about using my new name while in public, her response was to criticize my fashion, hair, and even the fact that my name wasn't "hip" enough. I was hurt beyond imagination by this as it was coming from someone who had earlier this summer told me, "You do what you need to do to make yourself happy, and I will support you 100%." Obviously we needed to have another "understanding" talk. I revealed to her things that I had not in the past discussions. Things like I was so depressed as a child that I was a cutter, the fact that on two occasions in my life I downed a bottle of Tylenol, and on one occasion held a gun to my head. I further explained that this depression was a result of trying to repress what was going on in me. This depression also led to 20 years of heavy drinking and bad life decision, all of which led to 3 heart attacks in the last 5 years and I haven't even reached 40 yet. I further explained that after my last heart attack, I checked myself out of the emergency room because the pain was gone and dying made more sense that not being able to live my life the way I am supposed to live it...as a woman. We now share an even deeper understanding on this issue. The result is compromise. I agreed for the short term to at least come to her house in a "gender neutral state," while she agreed that she needs to start preparing herself, her husband, and her children with the fact that if they want me in there life they will have to come up with a plan on how to handle this with the very young and impressionable children, who after a few years will probably forget all about the fact that their aunt used to be an uncle. The important lesson here is that I could have gone off all 1/2 cocked about all this, and believe me the temptation was there, but the outcome would have not been nearly as productive towards my eventual goal of 100% acceptance by this part of my family.

Conclusion? If you want to come out to you're sister do so, but do it with a plan and be prepared for the fact that it may not go your way initially. If you plan it correctly though, and leave it open for discussion that leads to understanding, she may just go from being creeped out that her brother has better nails than hers to an understanding that underneath everything she actually has a new sister!

[DonnaT]

If she mentions them again, then respond with, "When are you going to grow up into a mature adult? You've been ragging on me about my nails since Christmas, and I'm tired of it! I don't tell you how to live your life, so stay out of mine!"

Then turn and walk away. And unless she apologizes, ignore everything she says, don't respond, and don't acknowledge her presence the rest of the day.

Definitely don't come out to her, unless you want to come out to everyone in the family and everyone she knows.

[Crysten]

If there is one thing I have learned about coming out it is this...
Coming out in itself never equals acceptance.

Acceptance comes from understanding. I agree with what has been said here in that trying to guess what each other is thinking is the blind leading the blind. The very first family member I came out to was my sister. She had already questioned things like why I groom my brows, why I shaved my legs, and so on. I had fear beyond fear, but was forced into the situation when I needed her to tend to my house while I was in the hospital. A house that at this point was covered with girl stuff What was her reaction? "Mehhh no big deal, my best friends dad is fully transitioned and is now Eddie instead of Ed." Needless to say, all my fears were unfounded, you just never know. What I was good at doing, was explaining to her the "Why?" So that she understood that it wasn't just a fetish or fling. This is how I have approached everyone I have come out to and forward. I now live full time with the exception of work, and as of January 3rd, I will be out at work. This has been my biggest challenge yet and has involved not only coming out to my co-workers, but also every single one of my 40-50 clients. My approach has stayed consistent. The lesson I have learned each step of the way is that you cant just out yourself, it has to be planned and well thought out based on the individual relationships you have with each person involved.

Even with all of this, I still face my challenges. The same sister that has been supportive all the way for me told me this weekend that her and her husband agreed that me coming to there house as a woman would be too much for them to have to explain to their children and had the gall to ask me to "de-gender" myself if I was coming over. Then in further discussion about using my new name while in public, her response was to criticize my fashion, hair, and even the fact that my name wasn't "hip" enough. I was hurt beyond imagination by this as it was coming from someone who had earlier this summer told me, "You do what you need to do to make yourself happy, and I will support you 100%." Obviously we needed to have another "understanding" talk. I revealed to her things that I had not in the past discussions. Things like I was so depressed as a child that I was a cutter, the fact that on two occasions in my life I downed a bottle of Tylenol, and on one occasion held a gun to my head. I further explained that this depression was a result of trying to repress what was going on in me. This depression also led to 20 years of heavy drinking and bad life decision, all of which led to 3 heart attacks in the last 5 years and I haven't even reached 40 yet. I further explained that after my last heart attack, I checked myself out of the emergency room because the pain was gone and dying made more sense that not being able to live my life the way I am supposed to live it...as a woman. We now share an even deeper understanding on this issue. The result is compromise. I agreed for the short term to at least come to her house in a "gender neutral state," while she agreed that she needs to start preparing herself, her husband, and her children with the fact that if they want me in there life they will have to come up with a plan on how to handle this with the very young and impressionable children, who after a few years will probably forget all about the fact that their aunt used to be an uncle. The important lesson here is that I could have gone off all 1/2 cocked about all this, and believe me the temptation was there, but the outcome would have not been nearly as productive towards my eventual goal of 100% acceptance by this part of my family.

Conclusion? If you want to come out to you're sister do so, but do it with a plan and be prepared for the fact that it may not go your way initially. If you plan it correctly though, and leave it open for discussion that leads to understanding, she may just go from being creeped out that her brother has better nails than hers to an understanding that underneath everything she actually has a new sister!

**********This is the best post ever put on this forum. Read and heed.*********************

[Lorileah]

Don't tell her a thing. Just tell her to stop being so damned rude. It's none of her business.

There ya go. Ain't nobody's business but your own. Maybe you could tell her, her mustache makes her look very manly. OK no, don't sink to her level. But truthfully, if she doesn't like how it looks, tell her she has made her point, move on and that how you like your nails manicured does not really matter to her. Then take all her pieces from the game board and throw them across the room. OK again, don't do that.

[Karren H]

Next year break with tradition and go on a tg cruise or something... Somewhere away from your sister!

[kimdl93]

I don't know about your relationship with your sister - but siblings sometimes revert to almost childish behavir when they're together with their family of origin. Did your sister needle you as a child...if so, this might be a continuation of that behavior.

Outside the dynamic of the nuclear family, she may behave differently.

Now, my thought is that if you want to remain in the closet, you will be having a problem with telltale nails and brows. If you want to come out, then I'd talk to her. I wouldn't just try to pull her aside for a brief word - make a lunch date with her - someplace and time where you'll have time to talk things over. And prepare well in advance to address all of those silly stereotypical ideas.

[Christinedreamer]

ANY reference to being a "kiddie fiddler" would have garnered a rather pointed response from me. Some things are NEVER OK to even joke about and that is one. Just tell her to quit beating around the bush and say what is on her mind. Correct any misconnceptions she has and failing that, I would tell her to mind her own business.

[suchacutie]

You might try, "so what's your issue?"

or, "I just don't understand what your problem is"

or, "they've been this way for such a long time and you only notice now?"

The key here is to turn it back on her in some way, and then let her off the hook. I'm also interested that you haven't mentioned that anyone else has said anything. Are they embarassed at her rudeness? Depending upon your situation you could also say, "are you always this rude or am I just special"...then smile!

tina

[Annie D]

Merry Christmas and I'm happy for you that you get to spend some time with your family. There is some obvious competition going on between your sister and you for your parent's attention. I think because you are spending the holidays living at your parent's that she feels somehow cheated during the holidays. I know that it doesn't seem like it but I think that there might be some jealousness it her harsh observations and the fact that she has brought it to everyone's attention several times is a good indication that she is doing everything she can to get under your skin. Unless your parents are totally blind, they are aware of the condition of your nails and although you don't say anything about their feelings, I can only assume that they are on board with you and your fashion style. It might be the time to ask your mom what she thinks about your nails and anything else you feel like asking. Have a safe holiday and a great New Year.

[sandra-leigh]

I wouldn't tell her a thing, certainly not at this time. She is upset (for whatever reason), and she is not going to receive the information calmly and it seems unlikely that it would improve her current badly distorted impression of you.

But then I am not afraid of a bit of confrontation even with my family. I don't need it very often at all, but it is a tool not to be discarded.

[Vanessa Storrs]

It looks like it could be a couple of things, first she may be confused by your 'girly' nails and does not know how to deal with them. She associates your nails with gay culture which she associates with pedophilia. You have given her no information to educate herself. Second, it may simply be a case of sibling rivalry, she has found a great way to get under your skin and you have fallen for her teasing. The next time she questions your nails just tell her you like to grow them out because you are a crossdresser.

[whowhatwhen]

This time the teasing (if you can call it that) escalated into me being equated with a kiddie fillder (her words).

I would call her out on that, not only is it hurtful in the worst way I would imagine it to be insulting to victims of child abuse. (on principal, not directed at anyone)
Just tell her it's not 1950 and that you like your nails and that's all that matters.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Tell her loudly (in front of everyone so they hear it) that if she makes another comment equating you to a child molester you are going to pack your things and leave (and do so if she does it again.) Turn the negative attention back at her where it belongs. (eg. "Your big mouth made your brother leave! How dare you!")
Next year, tell your parents you will not come and stay a week for Christmas if she is there (stay a day or afternoon instead.)

She does not have to like your long nails, but the comment about being a child molester is WAY WAY below the belt (especially if she said it in front of others) and I would not tolerate it.

[KellyJameson]

Scary that she would accuse you of having the potential to sexually harm a child if I understand your wording of "kiddie fillder", that is a very serious and dangerous accusation. Anyone who casually can make this accusation even in a joking manner seems to be incapable of empathy and compassion and in my opinion not worthy of your consideration. In my opinion you are a victim of emotional abuse by your sister. Sorry to be so forceful in my wording I know it is none of my business but this type of cruelty enrages me.

[Miranda-E]

Any thoughts about how I should handle this?

/Katie

XXX

i'd have told her right there at the table what the situation was and dealing with it is her problem and I'd heard enough from her.

[Alberta_Pat]

Here is another thought. May be right, or may be wrong, but it strikes me as potentially valid.

Your Sister is calling for attention. The accusation of being a child molester may actually be a cry for help in her own household. It is possible that either she or another member of her household is indeed, molesting children. It may be time for a "down and dirty" one on one with her, telling her that you were deeply offended by her "statements" and are wondering if there is a problem that she needs to discuss with you.

This will now take the conversation into her life, and what may be going on there. If you should decide to share your personal life with her, that will be your choice. Me? I wouldn't.

My first instinct, when reading your opening post was like most of the others. "Get out of the situation". However, after thinking for a few minutes, the alternative, above, speaks more loudly to me.

I wish you all the best in resolving this without destroying your relationship with your sister completely.

[Cynthia Anne]

Here is another thought. May be right, or may be wrong, but it strikes me as potentially valid.

Your Sister is calling for attention. The accusation of being a child molester may actually be a cry for help in her own household. It is possible that either she or another member of her household is indeed, molesting children. It may be time for a "down and dirty" one on one with her, telling her that you were deeply offended by her "statements" and are wondering if there is a problem that she needs to discuss with you.

This will now take the conversation into her life, and what may be going on there. If you should decide to share your personal life with her, that will be your choice. Me? I wouldn't.

My first instinct, when reading your opening post was like most of the others. "Get out of the situation". However, after thinking for a few minutes, the alternative, above, speaks more loudly to me.

I wish you all the best in resolving this without destroying your relationship with your sister completely.

What Alberta has said here may sound far fetched but the possiblity of this being the case is VERY REAL! Do your part and comfront her before it's too late! Hugs!

[Genifer Teal]

It may be time for a "down and dirty" one on one with her, telling her that you were deeply offended by her "statements" and are wondering if there is a problem that she needs to discuss with you.

Regardless of any issue in her of life, I believe a private "what's wrong?" conversation needs to be had between you two. If you are not personally ready to reveal this to everyone, just listen to what she has to say. This does not seem like the right time or reason to tell her your life story.

Hope it goes well.

Gen

[JessicaM1985]

I'm sorry she did that to you hun.

I think she was just trying to say the most shocking thing just to get to you. I don't agree with it and she seriously crossed the line. It did come across to me that maybe she was trying to push you coming out to her by teasing. She sounds like she wants to know what's going on with you and knows that you won't tell. So my theory is that she is trying to get it out of you by provoking you. I also think that jealousy was a factor because she is used to being the one doted on by your parents several for 51 weeks out of the year, and wants some of the attention that you are getting from your parents when you are there. I loved how you kept your cool and ignored her for the most part. If it happened to me, I would have flatly asked her in a calm, but assertive manner why she said those things. When people are mean, I put the spotlight on their cruelty while maintaining my cool as a means to further highlight the fact that they are acting up. Doesn't always work, but it usually does.

In your case, pushing the issue further would have called more attention to yourself, and I'm sure that is the last thing you want. But I know that we're all here for you. It's because of people's attitudes towards transgenders that I hardly dress up at all and am far too scared to be seen out in public en femme. I'm sorry dear......

[LoriFlores]

I haven't read every post in this thread yet, so this may already have been covered.

I know this conversation with my sister could be difficult because it was her cloths that I began my crossdressing with. How do I gently explain that I secretly wore her panties, tights, and leotards when we were growing up? We were close when young but became less so when I began questioning my own gender identity. I don't know how I would explain that I'm really a sister and feel trapped in my current situation. I guess this is part of the agony of being transgendered...

[Leeiah]

I think she doesn't know how to deal with her feelings of any realization she may have picked up or not. My question is if you do tell her will it be alot easier or alot worse then it was.

[larry]

Sorry but I am fed up with all the Political Correctness going on in this world.. She is a "B" .
You best bite your tongue and escape as soon as you can.