I thought that your response was right on.Originally Posted by Shelly67
Like in a five and four letter words?IMHO, I think it's a bit of "B" and quite a lot of "C".
I thought that your response was right on.
Like in a five and four letter words?IMHO, I think it's a bit of "B" and quite a lot of "C".
Dana Ryan
when Rachel said a little bit of B and whole lot of C I was looking for the H
Business is the the art of extracting money from another mans wallet with out resorting to violence
9 out of 10 Dr say I'm sane. The 10th one never made it to the hearing. Did you know that California has drop bears ?
First a groom then a bride. Never again.
It looks like it could be a couple of things, first she may be confused by your 'girly' nails and does not know how to deal with them. She associates your nails with gay culture which she associates with pedophilia. You have given her no information to educate herself. Second, it may simply be a case of sibling rivalry, she has found a great way to get under your skin and you have fallen for her teasing. The next time she questions your nails just tell her you like to grow them out because you are a crossdresser.
Seems to me that a loving sibling wouldn't behave in this fashion regardless of what they thought. Frankly, I don't think your sister has a clue and you are under no obligation to tell her anything. And do you really want to come out to her? I guarantee this would become ammo for her until she resolves her underlying issues, not your issues. She is rude and I think you have handled this well up until this point. If you do want to tell her about you, she will only see it as validation for her rudeness. If I were you and I wanted to tell someone it would be my mother, not my rude sister. JMTC
For some reason she is trying to get you mad. When the bit on the nails didn't work then she try the kiddie bit.
Maybe just ask her why she treating you this way. Just tell what she said hurt your feelings.
You don't need to come out to her but be honest about you feeling being hurt.
If that don't then tell her to grow up.
I have to agree with Eryn, talk to her privately and explain your thoughts. you do not have to come out to her, just let her know that you find her comments hurtful and unacceptable. If the comments continue, speak to your parents in private, letting them know you are leaving and why. Let them know that you will no longer participate in family functions so long as your sister continues her ways. This time it's your nails, next time it may be because you bought a new car that uses too much gas or that your didn't spend enough on her gift. She is being a bully, don't tolerate it.
Firstly, thank you for all your replies and advice
If you'd have asked me that before, i'd of said pretty well, but now, given time to actually think about it, i'm not sure.
We were very close as children, certainly up to my early teens, but after that we did drift apart, mainly because we stopped playing together and started playing by ourselves. My later teenage years, prior to leving for university, were marred by the constant bickering of my sister and father (they argued a *lot*, she was not an easy teenager), so I spent a great deal of time alone in my room (including eating meals). Once I'd left for university we didn't really stay directly in touch, we'd still see each other as she still lived at home and I would come back to visit, and even when she moved out of the fmaily home and in with her husband they were still very local to my parents, so whenever I come home to visit them they come over for a meal.
So whilst we do get on, we're probably not friends, but neither are we enemies. She does like to wind me up, always has, and looking back its always been slightly "mean" if viewed from the outside (weight, appearance, that sort of thing), but I never took it as such, possibly becuase what I wouldn't overlook from someone else I do in my sister and don't attribute any negative intention to her words een though they may be there and would had someone else said them.
And to you too (Christmas that is)
I've never considered whether she may be jealous of me before. Looking at it dispasionatly, I could see why she may be jealous of certain aspects of my life in regards to hers. I did go away to uni, left the fmaily home at a much younger age than she and had a truly wonderful experience (spent 7 years at uni and loved every minute of it (in hindishgt looking at life afterwards, possibly a little too much)). It's meant that I've gotten a great job and am pretty well paid compared with most of the population, which in turn has given me the freedom to enjoy life a bit, eat out, buy myself nice things, which she and her husband have never been able to do. I guess the fact I also not only left home but also left my home town, I really do have a different life then the one I had as achild, and she doesn;t. She lives 5 minuts walk away from my parents house and to some extent is still very much their child (and not an adult). So, when I do come home, I get spoilt a bit as my parents don't see me that often, whereas they see her at least 3 times a week.
With all that said, she has things in her life I don't and could certainly be jealous of. She does own her own house with her husband, whereas I only rent, she has found love and I haven't, she's had that love for a long time, and anyone can see its a proper partnershiop, whilst my last relationhsip was a long one, it was never close (to the point of loveless for the last few years). She has a close relationship with my parents I don't anymore because I'm not around.
But, I don't begrudge her any of that, and would like to think she doesn't me, but thinking about it now maybe she does a little bit, especially at christmas time when, for a week, I'm back in the family home and its a bit like I'm 15 again.
Whilst I still don't know how far down the TG spectrum I fall, I bascially have two different lives, the one I have 90% of the time where I live by myself in a geographic location a long way from any of my family. I have great friends who all know Katelyn now, and most of them wouldn't remember when they last saw me as a man. Outside of work I spend nearly all of my time as a woman, it just works for me and makes me so much happier in myself to be that way. The reason I came out to my friends was I was just tired of habving to change when I was seeing them, or havbing to rememnber to hide things in the house if anyone ws comming over, and in doing so its made my life so much simpler.
Then there is the 10% of the time when I'm the me my fmaily remember, a man (horrible thought), if I travel down to see them for the weekend its as a man, and I'm that way till I get back home. I guess at the point I'm at in my life it would just be eaiser if I could be the person I'm hapiest as all the time, which is why I play with the idea of comming out. I don't know if I ever will do it, there isn't a real need, the two parts of my life have no crossover, no one in my family, close or extended has any chance of running into Katelyn out and about, so to keep the peace I keep quite, but there's always the fantasy that it would be better.
Being her brother, and not wanting to assign any negative intentions onto her, this is where my thinking leans, that she can't process what she's seeing and delas with it by lashing out. What I don't understand is why she can't understand it, If I see a man with great nails, or a woman with a nice mans shirt on I just think they look good.
This could be a little "institutionalisation", by being who I am I guess I'm part of a more open minded "club" and just tend to assume most people are that way as well because the people I associate with on and off line are the same, forgetting that the wider public isn't that way.
That could very well be true. When I was with my ex she had a fantastic kink-dar, she had an uncanny ability after meeting somone to pick up on their sexual fetishes (it really was uncanny how often she was right as well). I remember we were talking about my sister and she made the comment she was as vanilla as it was possible to be. So it could very well be shes assigning some perversion onto mhy nails and equaitng it with practices she finds repelent.
The real prolem I have is I dont like confrontation, I don't want to spoil whetever event is currently occuring by speaking out to vigorously and spoling the jovial mood, I am queit and unasuming (and unable to spell but there we go)
I need to let her know what shes saying isn't acceptable and at the very least she nees to just accept the fat I have long nails(again, I've had them for two years so its not like they're new). I guess the fact we've gotten to this point is partly my gaulty, In the past I haven't pulled her up on commenting about my weight, especially when I was a lot bigger then I am now, so she may just find it acceptable to tease me about things. Because they were directed at me, her extreme comments were very hurtful, but I'm the first to admit that I can see the humur in taking things to ridiculous exremes and being outrageous and saying the taboo (see Southpark or Family Guy).
But reading all of your replies I am realising that I am being too generous in only trying to see positives in the way she acts because she is mys sister, and I need to take a more honest look at the way she acts towards me.
In regards my parents, they haven't said anything about my nails, my brows, arms, legs etc, so they can't find them that odd, or at least they aren't that bothered. Last time my mum came up toi my house to help me clean (the ex had just moved out and I wanted to have a proper spring clean) I had gone out the night before and gotten back late. Come the morning I had planned to get up early and take care of things, like takin off my nail polish. Of course I end up sleeping in till ten minutes before she arrives so just leave the polish on (and as it turns out I really didn't do a very good job of removing my makeup before I went to bed either) The only comment my mum made was "why are you're nails painted", to which I said oh, I went out last night, and she just let it go.
Thanks once again
/Katie
X X X
Running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you're up there, just like the army, except for the talking squirrels.
Katie, based on what you have said, it sounds like your sister could be jealous of your life. You were able to go away to school and she wasn't. To her you might have a more interesting life. Sometimes we will look at others' lives and wish we could have what they have.
Whatever you decide to do, be careful. This could be a no win situation.
You might talk to your mom about what happened, she might be a little more accepting than your sister, if this is what you are looking for.
Good luck.
Dana Ryan
I agree with Johnnifer below. Far to often we try and pick "the reason" that someone acts in a particular way, when in reality there are a mix of reasons. To make it even more difficult it is very likely that she does not really know why she is acting this way. The question is how do you respond. I think you were very strong not to be pulled into a fight during the visit. Good for you. That being said, you can still drop your sister a note that tells her how much you love her and that it hurts you when she acts that way. You can talk about your feelings without talking about your CD'ing. Based on what you have said, I don't think she is trying to hurt you but she is trying to change your behavior, and that is most likely motivated by her love for you even if it does not feel very loving right now.
I can tell you that I waited years to come out to my wife because of little comments like your sisters. Eventually when I did come out she asked me why I didn't tell her sooner and I listed the times she had made comments that make it seem unsafe. She was ashamed of what she had said and sorry that her comments had caused me to wait. I was lucky! I can't and won't say that it would work this way for everyone, but sometimes people close to us say things because they don't know why we are doing particular things that just don't seem to fit into the picture of who we are based on what we have been willing to show them.
Raychel
Next year break with tradition and go on a tg cruise or something... Somewhere away from your sister!
I'm a bit overwhelmed, Katelyn.
I've just read your posts and the answers in this Thread fairly carefully - it's all a bit much at once - I hope that's not too selfish on my behalf because you're the one here who is looking for (and receiving sincere) support.
(Funnily enough, I avoided reading your OP before now because I mistakenly took the title to mean you cribbing about how hurtful "sisters" (i.e. other forum members) can be in their comments here - silly me)
Perhaps Karren is right and keeping out of harm's way is the best way... perhaps not...
One very important aspect strikes me though.
Despite all the ridicule and inuendo your sister has thrown at you, I get the feeling you love her very much and really care for her.
Does she know that?
Wishing you (both) all the best,
Gaby
[SIZE="1"]When Irish Eyes Are Smiling... In the lilt of Irish laughter... When Irish hearts are happy... And When Irish Eyes Are Smiling... [/SIZE]
It is natural for the "unknown" to take on much larger proportions in someone's mind than the reality. At this point, your sister's impression of men who feminize themselves are steeped in the unsavory stereotypes favored by the media: the perverts, pedophiles, drag queens, fetishists, etc. Think of the insane transsexual in "Silence of the Lambs". Your sister has not so far had any reason to educate herself about gender non-conformity. So she is relying on a very sketchy image that unfortunately floats out there in the social conscience. She likely has no idea that you are transgender.
Also, it is my experience that negative reactions usually stem from fear. If she loves you she may be afraid that you are going down a path that is causing you harm, even if she does not know the details, and she is hoping that her way of dealing with it will knock some sense into you.
You need to talk to her. You'll need to prepare first: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...l-your-partner
Once she connects a real live person that she loves with the concept of gender non-conformity, she will begin to lose some of the stereotypical bias. It may take some time though, so hopefully you can have several talks with her over time.
Reine
I've thought long and hard about this, I come from a large family, and We all get along and fight in various degrees from time to time, Ive seen sibling become so tight they take vacations togeather and then because of a stupid comment not speak to one another for years. I would take her aside and ask her politely to keep her comments about your apperance to herself. Because of the nature,type and frequency of her comments I gaurentee she's spoiling for a fight. You do NOT need to offer any explantion you do not feel comfortable with. If she has any decency she'll back off, there is no need for her to pick like shes doing, and remember you also have the option to not addend family gatherings where she is in attendence. The comment about being a 'child fiddler' is uncalled for and should be delt with as soon as possible. Being transgended is NORMAL.
Consider the situation with your sister as if she were a lit match over a pool of gasoline. There are two ways to deal with it.
You could try to fireproof the gasoline, a difficult task that is not likely to be successful, just as getting your sister fully educated and accepting about transgenderism is unlikely to happen. She has no vested interest in learning or changing her attitude and therefore is unlikely to do so. If she finds out about you the likely outcome is for her to turn your parents away from you since she apparently has more contact with them than you do.
The simpler alternative is to snuff out the match. Tell your sister that further discussion of your appearance or accusations of being a "kiddie fillder" are not acceptable and will result in an ugly situation in front of your parents. It is likely that if you show her that you are serious about the situation she will make the right choice to preserve family harmony.
The second approach does leave the main situation unresolved. You said that you live a considerable distance away so the situation really does not need to be resolved for you to continue living your life unhindered at your own home. What your sister and parents don't know won't hurt them (or you)!
Eryn
"These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
"She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
"Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]
I think if you confront her, there is a possibility of things going bad. I think that a nice talk with mom might be better. If your sister said these things in front of everyone, your mom must have heard them too. Telling your mom that you might not be coming to family functions because of your sister, she might have a talk with her. If it were my family, that is what I would do. It sounds like she thinks that she can act anyway that she wants. If she were told that she wasn't invited because of her attitude, maybe she would rethink her actions and apologize.
Dana Ryan
Regardless of any issue in her of life, I believe a private "what's wrong?" conversation needs to be had between you two. If you are not personally ready to reveal this to everyone, just listen to what she has to say. This does not seem like the right time or reason to tell her your life story.
Hope it goes well.
Gen
I'm sorry she did that to you hun.
I think she was just trying to say the most shocking thing just to get to you. I don't agree with it and she seriously crossed the line. It did come across to me that maybe she was trying to push you coming out to her by teasing. She sounds like she wants to know what's going on with you and knows that you won't tell. So my theory is that she is trying to get it out of you by provoking you. I also think that jealousy was a factor because she is used to being the one doted on by your parents several for 51 weeks out of the year, and wants some of the attention that you are getting from your parents when you are there. I loved how you kept your cool and ignored her for the most part. If it happened to me, I would have flatly asked her in a calm, but assertive manner why she said those things. When people are mean, I put the spotlight on their cruelty while maintaining my cool as a means to further highlight the fact that they are acting up. Doesn't always work, but it usually does.
In your case, pushing the issue further would have called more attention to yourself, and I'm sure that is the last thing you want. But I know that we're all here for you. It's because of people's attitudes towards transgenders that I hardly dress up at all and am far too scared to be seen out in public en femme. I'm sorry dear......
"To deny our impulses, is to deny the very thing that makes us human...." - Mouse from The Matrix
Love me or hate me, I will always be myself.
I'm just the kind of gal that likes death metal, beer, and "dad" jokes. Oh and I build computers and play PC games.
I haven't read every post in this thread yet, so this may already have been covered.
I know this conversation with my sister could be difficult because it was her cloths that I began my crossdressing with. How do I gently explain that I secretly wore her panties, tights, and leotards when we were growing up? We were close when young but became less so when I began questioning my own gender identity. I don't know how I would explain that I'm really a sister and feel trapped in my current situation. I guess this is part of the agony of being transgendered...
Lori
Lori, don't tell her that you wore her stuff.
Dana Ryan
I'm guessing that this recomendation is based on first or second hand experience. However, this makes it about impossible to explain how it all began and the progression.
I also wonder if she ever knew already. I was caught by my mother and grandmother several times. My mom found my sisters panties in my room but never said anything about it. I just wonder if she ever told my sister?
Last edited by LoriFlores; 12-29-2011 at 01:31 AM.
Lori
Lori, I can give you an analogy: when children ask about the birds and the bees, we only tell them as much as they ask and are ready to hear. The rest comes later.
You don't need to tell your sister the entire history now. You can simply tell her that you are transgender, this is a very real condition, and you do not appreciate the pedophile comments. You can talk to her about all your current concerns with this. You can prepare yourself with resources. Gather some links to informative, non-discussion sites to begin with and ask her if you can email them to her.
Be sure and read the link I posted in #38. Even though this is geared for telling SOs, some of the advice is applicable to other family members.
Be prepared to answer any of her questions, but I'm guessing they will focus on your current presentation and lifestyle more than the past. If she asks how old you were when it started, just tell her the age. She may not even think to ask where you got your clothes, but if she does, you should tell her that you borrowed hers. And then it may not occur to her to ask which items specifically, but if she does you can use your discretion as to whether or not telling her you borrowed her leotards is sufficient. This was a long time ago and you no longer borrow her clothes, nor will you in the future, so there is no point foregoing current concerns just to dwell on distant memories.
It's not about the panties you borrowed as a child. It's about who you are now, how you live, your future decisions, how these will affect you and your family members, etc.
Edit - Just curious ... why did you feel the need to distance yourself from your sister when you began to question your gender identity?
Last edited by ReineD; 12-29-2011 at 01:58 AM.
Reine
Lori, you mentioned:
All I said was, don't tell her that you wore her stuff.
If you need to tell her, then tell her whatever you think that she should know. I've always believed that if they need to know, then tell them. Otherwise don't tell anyone. I think that this makes your life simpler, unless you are going to transition.
Dana Ryan
I don't know why, and it was not intended to be connected, but we had been very close but grew more apart at about the same time. As I look back now it occurs to me that they may have been connected and had to do with my own internal conflicts. It was nothing she did.
Lori
I'd go paint my nails and come out and show them off and say "is this better?????? As for the Kiddie fiddler remark I would have had to bitch slap her and she would have deserved it.
Of anyone in my family, it would be my mum I came out to first, she's such a wonderful woman, completely selfless and giving to her family.
Despite all this grief this year I couldn't do that, despite being a man for a week, its been fun, relaxing in way, and nice to revert back to childhood in a way, and it's normally something I lookfroward to at the end of the year.
I do care for her very much. Part of the problem could be I don't come from a very expressive family, call it at excessive case of britishness (stiff upper lip and all that), we don't really share feelings with each other, certainly not in words, if I have a problem it wouldn't be a family member I went to for emotional help.I'm a bit overwhelmed, Katelyn.
I've just read your posts and the answers in this Thread fairly carefully - it's all a bit much at once - I hope that's not too selfish on my behalf because you're the one here who is looking for (and receiving sincere) support.
(Funnily enough, I avoided reading your OP before now because I mistakenly took the title to mean you cribbing about how hurtful "sisters" (i.e. other forum members) can be in their comments here - silly me
Perhaps Karren is right and keeping out of harm's way is the best way... perhaps not...
One very important aspect strikes me though.
Despite all the ridicule and inuendo your sister has thrown at you, I get the feeling you love her very much and really care for her.
Does she know that?
Wishing you (both) all the best,
I've never really thought about it that way. Its easy to assume everyone has the same values and attitudes of the people you associat with every day. As I mentioned I went away to university and still live in a university town, I work all day with other graduates, all of my friends are graduates, so it's a pretty liberal, educated, and accepting crowd. Not to imply my sister isn't educated, but I can see not having the experience of going away into the big wide world could leave blinkers on a person, especially given where we grew up, lets just say the most ethnically diverse it ever got was a welsh family moving into the street.
I shall read the link
I don't think now is the time for a long comming out, but it's going to have to happen at some point.
In general, I think I've decided to not do anything to drastic at this point in time, she and her husband will be comming over for new years eve, which will be the last time I see them for a while, and whilst it's probably a little cowardly I don't want to ruin any atmosphere, so I shall bite my tounch to a point. If she says anything outrageous again I'l just re-iterate that I like them this way.
One thing I did learn today is that she isn't having the best of times emotionally at the moment (from my mum of course). A few years ago she needed to have one of her ovaries removed due to a cyst, then last year she had a hanging growth on the remaining one removed. This has reduced her fertility and I;ve just found out that her husband may not be the most fertile person himself, a fact he isn't dealing with in the best way aparently (he had one test which came back with zero "swimmers" (as my mum put it), and so far has taken any excuse to avoid a second test). So whilst she hasn't said anything to me in person it doesn't look good for them being able to conceive, which must be aweful for her, so whilst it may be personally edifying to ream her out I think it'll be best to just let it wash over me.
She can't be completely clueless about me, the only person who has ever "caught" me dressed would be her, admitedly I was 9 (so she'd be 7). We were on holiday and she and my parents went out for a walk leaving me behind for some reason. I obviously took advantage of the alone time to changhe into some of her cloths only to find that she came back early and found me in the living room. One hasty and rubbish excuse later I did get her to not tell my parents, which she didn't (well, not for a good 15 years, she did blurt that one out at a family meal a few years ago, which I had to again brush under the carpet with a hasty and rubbish excuse).
Thanks again for all your replies
/Katie
X X X
Running, jumping, climbing trees, putting on makeup when you're up there, just like the army, except for the talking squirrels.
Posting Permissions
