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Thread: The wife is getting nervous

  1. #1
    Senior Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
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    The wife is getting nervous

    As our trip to Vegas draws very close , the wife is having second thoughts about me going for my transformation. She is affraid that this experience will change me forever. Affraid that I might cross the line. I admitted to her tonight that I was coming back to the hotel as Denise and was gonna change back there. I am very excited to do this but somehow I feel she has a valid point. I went out and got a fresh pedicure tonight. I bought some thi highs and my first hand bag. I am taking this night on the town as a girl very seriously. She said I looked awful as a girl , I then printed a pic of me from a month ago and asked her to look at it, I said if you can truthfully say I look awful as I girl ,I won't do it. She barely looked at the picture and said , I don't wanna see it. Yes she was drinking tonight so her emotions were out totally. She said to me,how would you like it if I grew a penis?? I didn't know how to answer that but assured her that I wasn't getting SRS any time soon. I am not totally out of the closet quite the contrare. She does want me to be happy but she doesn't want to know anything about Denise. I am sorry girls but we all have our vices. She does things that I don't approve but I do not control her. I have be shaving my legs every time I get in the shower and many other places and she isn't getting mad about that. She knows that this is my dream to get a professional make-over. My excitement will be very high this Friday night. I just hope Denise stays in control and doesn't do anything stupid..

  2. #2
    Gold Member Marleena's Avatar
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    I don't think it's fair for her to pull the rug out on you this close to the trip. Sleep on it and hope she feels different in the morning. They can go hot & cold on us.

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    well maybe you could somehow keep "Denise" in control, f or the sake of your wife, since she is going against her inner feelings and letting you do this. I mean she is your wife, think about how you would feel if the role was reversed, that otta help.

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    IMHO? You guys need to talk some more. Maybe sharing Denise with her is just not the right thing to do right now. Why not come back to the hotel room as her husband and make mad passionate love to her. That might quell some of her fears.

    You do understand what she is afraid of, don't you? She's afraid she is gonna loose you. To what she is not quite sure. But that's it in a nutshell. She is terrified that you are somehow going to change who you are. I suspect that you think you aren't going to change at all. But dear, she doesn't know that at all. It's up to you to show her you are still the same guy she married.

    Listen. She doesn't have to participate in this. Don't force her. If you come back to the hotel as "Denise" I predict trouble.

    I think you should get the makeover. Take some pictures. Walk around a bit. Do a little gambling, maybe. Have some fun. And then change back into the man she married. Take her out, wine and dine her, and then jump her bones back at the hotel. She will love you for it, honest.

    Auntie Stephenie

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    I would like to add, that if she was drinking, that you should have tried putting off the serious talk until she was sober. You made an offer that she could have turned around on you in spite (I don't know if she would). You will probably benefit greatly from talking with her but when it is right for a good talk.

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    Senior Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
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    All good points, my wife is going thru medapause(spelled wrong) mood swings,hot flashed, irritable. I told her that we had been together for 25 years , if I was gonna do something, I would have all ready done it. I will admit , the feeling and pleasure of becoming Denise is stronger than ever. And NO she won't be in the room when I come back. I don't wanna waste a service and go change back into Dennis right after photo's . I want a hour or so on the town experiencing life as a female or atleast feel like a pretty girl..

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    Silver Member DanaR's Avatar
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    With all of the stuff that is going on in your wife's world, adding the crossdressing is probably taking her over the top. If you are pushing it on her, she might be able to deal with it very well.
    Dana Ryan

  8. #8
    Gold Member Marleena's Avatar
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    Denise, did the the mention of SRS come up before she asked if you would like her with a penis? It seems like something put her off. I still say sleep on it though, and talk it through tomorrow.

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    New Member Rica_6869's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stephenie S View Post
    IMHO? You guys need to talk some more. Maybe sharing Denise with her is just not the right thing to do right now. Why not come back to the hotel room as her husband and make mad passionate love to her. That might quell some of her fears.

    You do understand what she is afraid of, don't you? She's afraid she is gonna loose you. To what she is not quite sure. But that's it in a nutshell. She is terrified that you are somehow going to change who you are. I suspect that you think you aren't going to change at all. But dear, she doesn't know that at all. It's up to you to show her you are still the same guy she married.

    Listen. She doesn't have to participate in this. Don't force her. If you come back to the hotel as "Denise" I predict trouble.

    I think you should get the makeover. Take some pictures. Walk around a bit. Do a little gambling, maybe. Have some fun. And then change back into the man she married. Take her out, wine and dine her, and then jump her bones back at the hotel. She will love you for it, honest.

    Auntie Stephenie
    From experience, I second every word of what Stephanie says.

  10. #10
    Junior Member MaidJamie's Avatar
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    Hi Denise

    Despite your excitement about your transformation you must carefully consider your wife's feelings... Menopausal or not. Have fun but don't go overboard and spoil the relationship.

    Sorry to be a wet blanket...
    Jamie

  11. #11
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    Denise, my wife has been going through menopause too for the last 3 years. She does drink all the time, she screams and hollers and plows over me all the time. I try to be reasonable with her. But with this kind of woman, it is impossble to reason with. Rationalism is thrown right out the window. I know you mean well, and I know you tell her the truth, but she just wants to ruin the few days you have planned. Your story carbon copy's mine. I'm calling an attorney tomorrow and get this thing done. I am in my third marriage of just short of three years. I was married to the first one for 4 years, then the second one for 16 years and now this one of 2 and a half years. So all in all I have lived married life for 22.5 years. They are all the same, it's just like Bon Jovi's song, only the names change.
    I bet that in your wife's drunkin stupors, she screams and hollers at the top of her lungs at you about every two days, accusing you of so many things far beyond your real intentions. She believes nothing you say, by way of your crossdressing. She capitalises on the steriotypical stigmatisms accociated with the usual hum drums of crossdressing. I know how you feel. I can tell you, that the two of you may reach an agreement today or tomorrow, and then you will roll with that, then she will flip on you, when you move forward per your agreement, and then another huge argument will insue. For married cd's with a menopausal wife that drinks liquor most nights, afraid of growing old, will use anything against you to keep hell in the marriage, and will threaten you with your cd'ing, or to out you to your family, etc. As I have realised in my own marriage, and hundreds of stories just like yours,the only happiness or even a "little contentment" is to divorce her, as I plan to do with mine. Remember, only the names change.
    We even have on here wives that divorced their(in their words), no good crossdressing husbands and have moved on with their lives, but yet they are on here, still B*****ing about the cd husband that they got rid of a few years ago. This puzzles me to no end. Well not really. A man cannot deal with or combat flip flop menopausal, liquor induced in predicticalities.
    The two of you have been married for 25 years, she should know you by now and should know your every thought with just a look in your eyes.
    I wish you the best of luck, for you will need it. I will end with an equation, wife + menopause + marriage + liquor + crossdressing = DIVORCE. Now this does not apply to wives not married to cd's, not in menopause, no liquor. Like I said in a post a month ago, there is just one common denominator where a wife is 100% totally accepting. I see all the time. But really, I don't want to offend anyone.
    I hope the best for you.
    L&R..................Tara

  12. #12
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    She is affraid that this experience will change me forever. Affraid that I might cross the line. I admitted to her tonight that I was coming back to the hotel as Denise and was gonna change back there. I am very excited to do this but somehow I feel she has a valid point.
    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    I said if you can truthfully say I look awful as I girl ,I won't do it [...] I didn't know how to answer that but assured her that I wasn't getting SRS any time soon.
    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    ... if I was gonna do something, I would have all ready done it. I will admit , the feeling and pleasure of becoming Denise is stronger than ever.
    I know this is exciting for you and I'm glad you'll have a chance to express yourself. But you need to reassure your wife better than you've done already. Yes, she is afraid she is losing her husband. She is afraid that you've found something so exciting, that your old life including her, your wife, will seem bland and boring to you in comparison. She is afraid that you will hate being in guy mode.

    Looking at your points above one by one, I can suggest ways that you can be more clear with your wife and hopefully it will help (if what I say doesn't fit then please disregard it):

    You said: "I am very excited to do this but somehow I feel she has a valid point." If you tell your wife she has a point, she will hear that you don't know if you'll want to continue living as a guy after you've experienced the makeover and going out in a exciting place like Vegas. Please, if you know in your heart that once you get home you'll want to continue your life as it was (with maybe more dressing), but still as her husband, she needs to hear this from you.

    You said: "If you can truthfully say I look awful as I girl ,I won't do it." This is not what she wants to hear. It makes it sound as if you discover that you look great as a girl after your makeover, you won't want to revert to guy mode, or you will increasingly want to dress and go out (to maybe almost full time). You need to tell her that you DO need to experience the makeover and outing, you DO need to express yourself and yes, it IS exciting for you and you want to do this, but you still know that you are a man and it doesn't mean that you will want to become a woman.

    You said: "but I assured her that I wasn't getting SRS any time soon." I know what you mean, but if you take this sentence literally, it implies you won't want SRS "any time soon", but maybe you will after a while, especially if you think you look good as a girl. Again, you need to point out that you do want to stay married to her as her husband and the dressing is something that you just would like to do occasionally.

    You said: "if I was gonna do something, I would have all ready done it." This is not a definitive statement. It is not as strong and as convincing as saying, "I haven't had SRS because I don't want to, and I cannot see myself ever wanting SRS. I am not a woman."

    OK ... I'm making the above suggestions on the premise that you are not transsexual and that you fully intend on remaining your wife's husband because this is how YOU see yourself. If this is true, you do need to be very clear with your wife. It's OK to admit to being excited about the makeovers and the outings, since it is important for you to express yourself, but you do need to tell your wife in no uncertain terms that you still want to be her husband and this will not change. (If this is how you feel).

    ... But, if you're not sure, then I don't blame your wife for being afraid.
    Last edited by ReineD; 01-03-2012 at 04:59 AM.
    Reine

  13. #13
    Here how many years? LeeAnnRose's Avatar
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    Reine,
    Those are some strong statements and areas of absolute statements I completely missed. I just realized a number of vague statements I was leaving on the table myself.
    Thanks!

  14. #14
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    I understand the excitement you're feeling about the Vegas trip and the transformation service. Since its clear that its bothering your wife, please try to invest a considerable amount of time in reassuring your wife that you remain, and will remain, her husband.

  15. #15
    Senior Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kimdl93 View Post
    I understand the excitement you're feeling about the Vegas trip and the transformation service. Since its clear that its bothering your wife, please try to invest a considerable amount of time in reassuring your wife that you remain, and will remain, her husband.

    I feel like I just had a session with a SHRINK, OK girls what's the charge... I want to add people's lives are more complex and are not cut and dry . I will say that TARA-May kinda nailed it on the head. My wife sometimes just pick fights over anything just to hear herself YELL. Drinking makes it worse and my wife doesn't know when to say when. Yes you have to throw reasoning out the window with my wife. This may sound cruel BUT my wife need me more than I need her. I take a large burden from her in life, sorta like a crutch always there for support.

    ReineD: Are you sure your not a Lawyer ? You can break down ones words to find the truth or what appears to be the truth. I am not saying your wrong, I see a very smart person here who cares... Thanks

    When my wife first met me, in 86, she was the one who suggested I dress as a girl for halloween that year. Little did she know that I so enjoied being a girl that night. She knows that I dress from time to time but we don't talk about it. I did assure her that her husband will be back and that on Saturday when we leave for the Hollywood tour, she would never tell that I was Denise yesterday. She said
    ( This is gonna cost you ) and wants $ from me for doing this transformation. Does anyone know what it is like to go thru life always being the responsible one , to keep things together, to endure the shame of what my wife can put me thru when she gets looped in public. and the next day when she is sober act as if nothing ever happened, it's tuff. Right now you all say Divorse seems your only option . Some people just deal with situtations until they become unbearable. Will my wife file for divorce, I doubt it. Will I, not realy for I still can take the abuse . Some might say I am the abuser with my crossdressing, your opinion I will update the adventure, some will agree, some will not. Later Denise

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    wow, Denise, It seems based on this last post, that your dressing is the least of the issues between you and your wife. Seriously, you two need to get into a competent professional counselor.

  17. #17
    My Ship has sailed? Barbara Ella's Avatar
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    Denise, please take it slow. I have to agree there is more going on here than just cross dressing, and both of you are building up resentment inside that is not good for either. You seem resentful over being forced to be the responsible one. She has a drinking and emotional problem. Please dont let any unspoken resentment over your dressing escalate the situation. Talk it through when she is sober. It just doesn't sound like you have really talked and expressed the true inner feelings, but I cannot really tell. Please consider professional help.

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    I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.

  18. #18
    Gold Member Marleena's Avatar
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    Denise you are in an abusive relationship (that's obvious now). I wish you luck because CDing is just another excuse for her to dump on you. I wish you luck with the advice you're getting here. She won't allow you to be happy because she's miserable and drinking makes it worse.

  19. #19
    Silver Member DanaR's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kimdl93 View Post
    wow, Denise, It seems based on this last post, that your dressing is the least of the issues between you and your wife. Seriously, you two need to get into a competent professional counselor.
    I have to agree with this. It sounds like there isn't a lot of compromise going on here. There should be some give and take, if one person is doing all of the giving or taking, there will be problems.
    Dana Ryan

  20. #20
    Senior Member DeniseNJ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Baby Steps View Post
    Denise, please take it slow. I have to agree there is more going on here than just cross dressing, and both of you are building up resentment inside that is not good for either. You seem resentful over being forced to be the responsible one. She has a drinking and emotional problem. Please dont let any unspoken resentment over your dressing escalate the situation. Talk it through when she is sober. It just doesn't sound like you have really talked and expressed the true inner feelings, but I cannot really tell. Please consider professional help.

    Babes
    That is the problem sobor or not she doesn't want to talk about things, and believe me, crossdressing is not the only issue that needs to be addressed. She knows I read the book my husband Betty, she said that she would read it but has not yet. I truely wish that I can communicate with her but I can not. We do have some fun times together but as the years go by the fun times have lessened. It is TRUE, I do resent her drinking and lack of responsibility. I figure ,I deal with a lot why can't she. AND No is am not a TS or plan on having SRS , I am not brave like some in here or willing to distrubt my socalled normal way of life. We all have our crosses to bare , some are heavier than others!

  21. #21
    Ice queen Lorileah's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    My wife sometimes just pick fights over anything just to hear herself YELL. Drinking makes it worse and my wife doesn't know when to say when.
    I thought your OP gave most the reason you and she were fighting, but now I see plenty more. If this was a hockey game you would be in the box for unsportsmanlike conduct. She doesn't pick fights just to hear herself yell. She could yell for many other reasons. She doesn't "pick fights", she airs complaints and worries. The more I think the more the penalty box sounds good. You have placed this whole relationship in danger. (I refer to you because she didn't ask and she isn't here reading as far as I know). Back off. Unless you really like fighting with her. You keep throwing fuel on this fire. "Why?" you ask, because you put the blame straight on her. So far it has not been any of your fault. You have been an angel from what you think you have related to us. Be we are not close to either of you. I was going to refer to the OP quotes but others have already done that.

    To take the easy out of menopause is low. So many times men blame everything on hormonal fluctuation. But stop a minute. This is a time when she needs your help and understanding if what you say is true. Instead you take the low road and blame honest feelings on alcohol and hormones.
    Yes you have to throw reasoning out the window with my wife. This may sound cruel BUT my wife need me more than I need her. I take a large burden from her in life, sorta like a crutch always there for support.
    Yet you tell us she need YOU more than you need her (my answer to that would have been don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya...then see who need who). Your perspective is you bring everything to the relationship and she brings very little. Look around you from your charger sir knight. Your realm is in peril but not from an outside enemy. You have a pretty high opinion of yourself. Maybe you should move on if you don't like the set up. I would venture that she will be on her feet long before you even get to your knees. (Yes I am just as cruel as you are but if you dish it, you need to take it).



    When my wife first met me, in 86, she was the one who suggested I dress as a girl for halloween that year. Little did she know that I so enjoied being a girl that night. She knows that I dress from time to time but we don't talk about it. I did assure her that her husband will be back and that on Saturday when we leave for the Hollywood tour, she would never tell that I was Denise yesterday.
    So her memory is gone too? You don't think she will still see traces? Guess again.
    She said ( This is gonna cost you ) and wants $ from me for doing this transformation.
    You don't have a marriage then you have a business relationship

    Does anyone know what it is like to go thru life always being the responsible one , to keep things together, to endure the shame of what my wife can put me thru when she gets looped in public. and the next day when she is sober act as if nothing ever happened, it's tuff.
    We all have our bears to cross. If she is blanking out then one of you needs to start something like AA (yes even if you are not an alcoholic you are enabling her.
    Right now you all say Divorse seems your only option . Some people just deal with situtations until they become unbearable.
    So you are willing to risk your life and sanity because you have been told you should be the strong one. See enabling above. If divorce is the only option then it needs to be considered. However, if you both want to work on your relationship then as many have suggested, you should seek some sort of help. This isn't about the dressing. It may be a small part but you are both using it as a wedge. There are deeper issues here. And you BOTH have them. You can't put the blame 100%. This is a 50/50 split.

    I won't say don't get the make over. If you do, don't flaunt it. (Actually I would say let her be involved because from what I see she may have a concern that she isn't there to see what happens). Get the makeover, get photos. Don't throw them at her but maybe in a few weeks she will ask to see them. Truthfully, I would forget the makeover just because you both are not on the same page, but that is me.

    And as for the suggestion of coming back and making love to her like a man? WTH does that mean??
    Why not come back to the hotel room as her husband and make mad passionate love to her. That might quell some of her fears.
    Man's answer to everything. When will you all get the point that it isn't the sex the GG's are worried about?

    Unless you can get this train on the siding, this will be the biggest train wreck since Casey Jones.

    Kimdl has your answer.
    Last edited by Lorileah; 01-03-2012 at 11:34 AM.
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  22. #22
    Making a life for Tina! suchacutie's Avatar
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    Denise, menopause is a hormonal issue and can be a nightmare for all involved. Is your wife not under the care of a physician? If she has not explained her mood swings and drinking problems to a trusted physician it's past time that she does this. Hormonal balance can be worked on! Please get the medical help for her that she needs, both for her, and for you!

    tina

  23. #23
    GG ReineD's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeniseNJ View Post
    Does anyone know what it is like to go thru life always being the responsible one , to keep things together, to endure the shame of what my wife can put me thru when she gets looped in public. and the next day when she is sober act as if nothing ever happened, it's tuff.
    Neither you nor your wife can deal with any CDing or relationship issues effectively as long as she is drinking. This is the biggest truth in this thread. Alcoholism clouds issues more than people ever realize. Please believe me when I say that I know this from personal experience. I could write a book on it, but for now I'll only suggest you keep a low profile with the CDing in the immediate future (do your Vegas thing, and then do your best to keep it out of your wife's face), and please, please, PLEASE go to Al-Anon.

    Al-Anon will teach you how to separate the alcohol issues from the other issues and will teach you to keep the responsibility of your wife's drinking squarely on your wife's shoulders where it belongs, and not your own. (I'm assuming that she is the only person who drinks. If you do as well, then you both need to go to AA).

    As to your wife's level of unhappiness when she drinks, I agree with Lorileah. Her feelings are valid, whether she drinks or not. Her reactions while drunk may be exaggerated, and if she does manage to resolve some or part of the issues in between drinking bouts this will soon be forgotten, but if she is unhappy about certain things it is because they continue to not be fully resolved for her. And they will not be resolved as long as she is drinking.

    I mean it, and I cannot emphasize enough that RIGHT NOW what you need to do is to distance yourself from your wife's drinking, stop taking responsibility for it, stop enabling her, and help her to reach her own bottom with it so that you can both then move on to resolve the other issues in your relationship, including coming to a similar understanding of what the CDing means in your marriage, and this will require an amount of negotiating and boundary setting that is healthy in any marriage.

    GO TO AL-ANON!

    Didn't mean to shout, but please do it.
    Last edited by ReineD; 01-03-2012 at 02:30 PM.
    Reine

  24. #24
    Member angpai30's Avatar
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    Her feelings are valid and from many reliable sources have you received advice. I would take that advice and run with it. Many of us who are giving you advice have been in the same boast you are now. Coming home as Denise will affect your relationship no matter wether she is there or not when you come home. I learned somewhat the hard way and I'm now divorced. There are things I wish I could take back, but cant. If you want your marriage to last listen to your wife and focus on getting her sober as well.

  25. #25
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    I have to agree with a bunch of others here as well as I really agree with what Lorileah has replied with above too. There is always 2 sides to each story as well as each person in the marriage has their faults and all the blame cant just be placed on the other spouse which it just seems like your posts have done. If my husband had wrote what you have here in a post and I read it I would be extremely hurt. Not saying she was going to be reading it but the internet is a funny thing and can leave trails no matter how good you are at covering them up.. I am sure my husband thought he covered his pretty good until I discovered them lol

    Anyways I would nervous too if I was your wife..I will admit if my husband went out and would do what you are going to be doing I would so so nervous and scared and hurt that he is doing it no matter what that I would end up making myself emotionally sick from it all and just playing everything over in my head. I would like to think that above all else he would think of me and put me first, I am suppose to be important to him. We BOTH NEED one another. Its not a matter of WHO needs WHO the MOST. If you really feel you dont need her as much as she needs you thats a shame..and I am not sure why you stay around.. cause its not helping any situation with a outlook like that and will not improve any marriage.. and I think kinda its a selfish statement to make..

    Anyways the best of luck to you and I do hope that you really read everyone's replies here and not just skim through them but actually take them to heart.
    I love the fact that my husband can piss me off and make me laugh within seconds of each other!
    I can handle being alone, but doesn't want to be married and feeling alone.
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