Can't put up with this no more - it is not funny

[johanna.kitten]

Just had a great nite out en femme, posted that in male to female crossdressing
just now. But the truth is I am so depressend tears are flooding down my face I am not a girl yet and it hurts big time. I am in such a poor condition my hands are shaking so badly I can hardly type this. Why was I not a girl to begin with, why is it so freakin' hard to convince people to at least give me my hormones? Ah, the sheer and utter pain! It is just past nidnite here in London and I have to be in the office in hours. There will be no sleep this nite - either. I can't put up with this shit any more. And, yes, if you read my other post, I will go into my office en femme tomorrow and I will be wearing my perals. They can say whatever they want, I'm not listening any more.

/Johanna - still a long way to go - so depressed - need help

[Katesback]

With a little homework hormones are about as easy to get as candy. You just have to do your homework.

[johanna.kitten]

Hm, my post did not seem to happen...

Yep, I did get my dirty little paws on some just about 10 days ago in Thailand, but I rather have them from a real quack and being monitored.

/Johanna

[johanna.kitten]

Yep, here in the UK the NHS got the Charing Cross clinic, but it seems so hard to get accepted. I got two reasons I have not yet gone to seek help, one is that I am way too busy with work and secondly, I have reasons to keep a low profile in a few countries, the UK being one of them. (I get nasty letters sometimes.) I spent most of this morning looking for a psychotherapist that could sort me out but no luck, instead I just went to have a makeover and did some shopping... ending up in bars. This has to stop as it prevents me from becoming my real me.

/Johanna

[sandcastle]

Johanna,

Speaking as another I.T. girl who has to be at work in the morning - we both need to get some shut-eye / beauty sleep.

Or a least get a power-nap (20 to 30 mins).

Set three different alarms (mobile, radio, etc) for the morning.

Drink a big glass of water and climb into bed.

Night-night.
Sandra.

[larry]

This thread scares me. Isn't there somebody near this girl who can lend a shoulder ? She is crying for help ! Hang in there Johanna..
This could be your year..

[johanna.kitten]

1-If you are too busy with work, Johanna, you will never get whatever it is you hope to achieve with gender. You HAVE to find the time. Rearrange your work schedule. Move appointments around. If you are serious about dealing with gender, you have to give it your attention. Shopping is not giving it attention. Nor are bars. Nor are makeovers. If you have the time for those, you have the time for an appointment with a therapist.

2-If you go to private M.D.s and therapists, everything is confidential. So I don't understand your need to keep a low profile.

You said it yourself: "This has to stop as it prevents me from becoming the real me."

It's your time, your money, your feelings, your life. Fur coats, JP Gaultier perfume, footballers. Sounds like the Any Winehouse song about CFM shoes.

Shopping, bars etc. can be done out of hours, it is hard for me to get time off work to deal with therapists and, perhaps in the end a change.

Also, I can never tell anyone where I live, nobody knows where I live, now when I come to think of it - I don't even know my own address. And the less the
authorities know of my whereabouts the happier this Johanna is. Sometimes I have to flee countries and go into hiding for years. I went into hiding in mid
2005 and just got back on the scene 4 months ago. Most of that time I never knew my own address and was never known to anyone in the country I
happened to live in at the time. So, you see it is difficult for me to see a therapist if I'm never in the same place for too long.

/Johanna

This thread scares me. Isn't there somebody near this girl who can lend a shoulder ? She is crying for help ! Hang in there Johanna..
This could be your year..

HeyHey, don't worry, I'll be fine - one day. If just authorities would leave me alone and get on with my life...

/Johanna

Johanna,

Speaking as another I.T. girl who has to be at work in the morning - we both need to get some shut-eye / beauty sleep.

Night-night.
Sandra.

Sandra, I have not once slept more than two hours a nite the last 15 years, I just can't - one quack gave me sleepers, I took 8 instead of 1 and still no kip.

/Johanna

[Katesback]

UMMMMm ok............................ok I think I am stumped. Thinking this has to be one of the more unique stories I have herd.

[johanna.kitten]

Perhaps it is a little bit different, I still have not read too much on here but I try too keep up more and more. Fact still stands that I have long way to go, if I just had started out some +20 years ago! But back in those days it must have been harder, little access to information, knowledge and even less contact with people with the same interest/wishes.

/Johanna

[docrobbysherry]

What's that old saying, Johanna? It's easier to curse the darkness than to lite a candle? EVERY journey starts with JUST ONE STEP! Maybe u CAN'T visit therapists while at work but u could call couldn't u? Explain your situation to the gender appropriate one u think is rite for u. There must be SCADS of them in London! Maybe he/she will stay late, meet u at lunch break, or on a weekend!? We have a number of UK girls here. Maybe u can get a reference from one of them? U shouldn't have to give your address if u pay as u go.
Please don't EVER feel your situation is hopeless! It's NOT!

[Nicole Erin]

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
I don't think too many TS out there ever get to a point of being "satisfied".
The deep-closet ones just wish they could wear something in public.
The full time totally passable ones wish they had been born female and wish they could give birth.

Think about some TS who, by every definition, have "made it". Some still seek validation.

All you can do is do the best you can with what you have. Being a TS woman is often a pain in the ass but you have to make the best of it.

[johanna.kitten]

Nicole, perhaps I am putting too much pressure on myself and too little effort in. All I feel right now is to stay indoors for a week and not have to deal with the world at all, remove all mirrors in here... lay on the bed and read.

/Johanna

[Nicole Erin]

I went thru that a couple years ago.

For most of us TS, things are not gonna be perfect. it is especially discouraging when you see or hear of some TS who have no flaws, a good job, perfect life, etc...

But flaws or not, what is one going to do? Not live a life? Get this -
I was watching something years ago, this older guy did some restoration work on classic cars. Not sure what all he did but it was a full time hobby (or maybe job). He said, "I cannot sit around feeling sorry for myself for my disability, i have a life to live and this is what I enjoy doing". He was blind.

[johanna.kitten]

Nicole, I just feel I'm falling behind everybody else. Every day seem to be just such a wast of time when I'm not what I should have been all this time. Work consumes way too much of my life, preventing me from setting time aside to reach the goals I've set up for myself. I'd like to spend more time investing in myself, rather than making someone else rich.

/Johanna

[Nicole Erin]

How good is the job? If it pays well, use this as an opportunity to save for some of the expensive transition things that you might want or need.

Or, if it is a crappy low-wage job that doesn't even pay enough to exist (like my joke of a job) then cut some hours if you can and take some time for yourself.
It might seem contradictory to work LESS if working full time still does not provide enough cash to make ends meet but at some point one thinks, "what is the difference?" It is like being in last place in a race and STILL trying to go as fast as you can, pointless

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I am not laughing johanna...i fear you are in need of some quick help from either someone close to you or a professional psychiatrist...

You have made a number of outlandish claims including extravagant trips and gifts, working in sexy female outfits, and disappearing because no one can know where you live, plus you work so much that you have no time for anything else..
If you are suffering a gender disorder, you need to get your mental health in order to make progress. Making meaningful progress with your mental health can point you in the right direction to realize your hopes and dreams...crazy talk will not.

i hope you take this as an answer to your cry for help..from afar all i can do is urge you find some help close to home..

[Aprilrain]

And the less the authorities know of my whereabouts the happier this Johanna is.

If this is even remotely true (which I doubt) then NO you will not be happy living your life on the run. how can you live a fulfilled meaningful life in hiding?? Take care of what ever trouble you are in before you do anything else.

[Deborah_UK]

If you don't want to or can't wait, then you could try Transhealth based in London. I'm sure a quick google search would give you the details you require, but I believe its quicker than the Charing Cross route, but of course you have to pay. But for someone who has flown to Thailand recently, Im assuming you must have some funds available to you?

There is also a "sticky" thread about the NHS route in this section of the forum. You may wish to read through that?

[kimdl93]

I have to admit, this is perplexing to me as well. What's the real story behind your life?

[johanna.kitten]

@Nicole - Job is OK I guess, it is not what it used to be. In a past life I was known to occasionally get five figures a day take home, I am far from that now.

@Kaitlyn - I really do need to seep professional help for sure. This can't go on like this any more.

@Aprilrain - I used to live under threat at some point in time, but luckily the person that was behind it is now dead. My worry now is that I'm not to good at pulling my weight according to the taxman and that I've been on the inside.

@Deborah - Thanks, I will check it out.

@kimdl93 - It all kicked off at the start of the Gumball3000 in London 2005, since then nothing have ever been the same. I trusted _one_ person and that ****ed up my life for good.

[karanne]

Okay, Johanna, as far as legal issues, I would suggest talking to a solicitor. Changing sex could be interpreted in your situation as a means to evade the law, and since you've said you've been a Guest of the Queen, I would recommend this. There should be someone at the Inns that could take a pro bono case.

As far as professional psychological help, isn't that covered under Doctor/Patient confidentiality? Doesn't NHS cover that? Admittedly I'm in the US, so I don't know the ins and outs of NHS, but some of the other Brits here can fill me in.

Good luck,
Lady K.

[Kaz]

5 figures a day take home says it all to me... you want sympathy? You are a City *anker... die slowly and do us all a favour.

On the other hand, if you are not... I take it all back and will offer counselling and advice... my rates are...

[Kelly DeWinter]

Johanna,

Did you once drive a 911 Turbo ? If so PM me.

Kelly

[Myojine]

Just had a great nite out en femme, posted that in male to female crossdressing
just now. But the truth is I am so depressend tears are flooding down my face I am not a girl yet and it hurts big time. I am in such a poor condition my hands are shaking so badly I can hardly type this. Why was I not a girl to begin with, why is it so freakin' hard to convince people to at least give me my hormones? Ah, the sheer and utter pain! It is just past nidnite here in London and I have to be in the office in hours. There will be no sleep this nite - either. I can't put up with this shit any more. And, yes, if you read my other post, I will go into my office en femme tomorrow and I will be wearing my perals. They can say whatever they want, I'm not listening any more.

/Johanna - still a long way to go - so depressed - need help

You know what I had to do? I had to end up in the ER under threat that id kill myself. I told the doctor "Why the **** can you prescribe me a 70$ 30/day psych med that WONT help, but yoiu CANT prescribe an 10$ 90/day supply of Estrogen 2mg? Seriously?! If you dont prescribe me it+spirolactone, WHICH I WILL PAY FOR. then once i leave ill be back in the ER a few hours later... Or in the ****ing morgue."
Seriously it took a legitimate "im going to ****ing kill myself if you dont give me it" suicide threat to get what I NEEDED.
Im not saying do that, but seriously thats what I had to do.

[johanna.kitten]

@karenne - I never even thought it could be interpreted this way actually, I have had this wish for most of my life, to change I mean. Ah, yes, I think I'd be safe with NHS. I seldom use their services as it is not very fast, if I can I go Harley Street for most things. Ah, I was in the Wormwood Scrubs, London working for the Queen, released - no conviction in the end.

@Kaz - Naa, I'm not in the City, I'm in North London, and hey - I'm not raking in the dosh these days as I once did.
Got a normal 9-5 in IT these days.

@Kelly - Nope, never owned any other make of car than Lamborghini and never will.
http://up.autotitre.com/b768e82b11.jpg

@Myojine - Ah, the number of times I've been in ER. Sometimes I've been picked up by the pigs at home, even been deported from two countries and banged up for months at times. Really sorry to hear what you had to put up with.