Help quickly! What do i say to my wife.

[Elizabeth Ann]

Oh Lord do I need some advice, and I need it quickly. I am at home. My wife will get home about 5:30-6 pm. Our 21 year old son just came by (he is in college about a half hour away). He wanted to drop off a letter, but since I was at home, we had a long talk. Here is the text of the letter:

Dear Mom and Dad,

I'm not exactly sure how to start this. I guess we've never been very good at the big talks, although that could just be me. Anyways, I think I'll go the cryptic analogy route.

Dad, you're a sailor. It's an inseparable component of your identity. You love sailing, and as an extension of that, you love your boat. You loved when you got it, but you've spent countless hours making it better because you want it to be something you're proud of.

At this point, you're probably only more confused, so I'll just say it. Your boat for you is analogous to my body for me, although I have yet to modify it. As for sailing itself, that's analogous to my gender. Here's what I need to tell you guys: as it turns out, I am not your son. I am your second daughter. I am a transgendered woman.

I'm sure there are plenty of questions flying through your head right now. I'll gladly drive home so we can talk about this face to face, but for now, here's some important stuff:
-I realized and came to terms with all this about two months ago.
-Ashleah, a few close friends, and Laura are the only ones who know so far.
-I'm starting hormones soon (hopefully). Finding an endocrinologist right now.
-I'm not a "woman born in a man's body." I'm a woman born with my body, which happened to have male sex characteristics. It just needs tweaking.
-My chosen name is Davinia. It's a female form of David, and shortens to Davin, which rimes with Gavin.

I love you both a lot. I couldn't have asked for better parents, and I can't wait to talk about all this. I hope you both take this well, and I apologize for being a bit out of myself for the past 21 years.

Love,
Davina

Of course I told him we would love and support him and tried to reassure him that things would be okay. No, I did not tell him about myself (he expressed surprise in the conversation that I knew so much about transgenderism).

I didn't tell him because I have no idea how my wife will feel about this. She has tolerated me, but never wanted anyone to know, especially our children. I told David/Davinia that I would give her the letter, but oh God I am not looking forward to the reaction. I am pretty sure that David/Davinia will be okay, but I am not sure what she will think of me.

What am I going to say to her?

Liz

[Renee W]

I don't have any actual advice to give, just words of encouragement. I'm sure that no matter how you approach this things will work out.

[Stephanie47]

I think the bond between a mother and her cub is stronger than the bond between anything else. I think she will take it well. Most mothers seem to accept their sons as long as the son does not hurt her grandchildren. There may be some inquiry as to whether your cross dressing activity had an effect on the son. You may have to be firm that to your knowledge he had absolutely no clue to your cross dressing. I wouldn't tell him of your cross dressing until you're assured he has fully accepted himself and is comfortable with his decision. If he has doubts, he may feel his desires have something to do with his gene pool. I believe most reputable physicians require years of preparation before any surgery. There is definitely a difference between a cross dresser and a woman born in a wrong body.

[Dana7]

This situation with your son is obviously a development that is something completely out of your control and was not the result of anything you have done. It all depends on how your wife reacts to this letter that determines what you will say to her.

To begin, let her know that you are there for her, regardless. She is going to need some stability and you are it. Since she already knows about your crossdressing she is familiar with transgender issues, so I consider that a plus. But news like this is certainly going to be a bit of a shock.

She might think that you caused your son to go this direction, and you need to be clear to her that this was something that was his own decision. Let her know that he never knew about your crossdressing and still doesn't even know. Then she can draw her own conclusions about how he went down this road.

Above all, be patient and caring toward her. She needs you now and she needs your emotional support. Let her emotions flow and be there for her.

I think that this is very interesting, how transgender issues have moved between the generations of your family even though you didn't overtly influence it in any way.

[Kathi Lake]

Oh my!

Liz, what a bold jump for your son to take! That he is going to look for an endocrinologist already makes me think that he has been in therapy for awhile. You wife will doubtless be stunned, hurt, angry, depressed, and other feelings - and those will be the ones directed at you. Yes, unfortunately, you just may get the "blame" for this. Your screwed-up genes, or your son just knew instinctively about you, and wanted to follow suit. I don;t know what to say except keep the love flowing between you, your son (daughter) and your wife. You will doubtless need it at this time. My prayers are with you!

Kathi

[Mikaela]

Your son/daughter is lucky she has at least one parent already on board. Let your wife make her own decision based on what your daughter has sent. You can arbitrate or discuss or inform as long as the wife is willing, but don't use this as a soapbox for your own stuff, don't use it as genetic 'proof' either. Don't go there. If the wife blames your genetics, don't continue that part of the convo.

And of course, coming out to your child may help, too.

[Shelly Preston]

I suggest you tell your wife you are just as shocked as she is.

You do however have an advantage given your own cricumstances as you understand things better than someone who has never had to deal with this.
All you can do is help her get through this as best you can. You as parents may be losing a son but I am sure you are gaining a beautiful daughter.

[Debglam]

Liz,

This is too personal to give advice on. I would simply say that I think many of us here would have been blessed to have a parent that was transgendered and "got" this stuff. Talk things out with your wife but your son knowing that you REALLY understand will make the situation easier for the whole family IMHO.

Best of luck to you all.

Debby

[vivianann]

Well that is going to be a tough situation since you are a part of the trans community. Plus your wife might not take this well, I hope she does not freak out about this, only you know her best. You need to show her the letter, she does need to know the truth. When you do show her the letter you should be dressed as your male self, so this wont be too much for her. Your wife is going to be going through alot of emotions after she finds out, so be there for her as a man so this goes well for her and your son(soon to be daughter). Keep us posted. And I wish you your wife the best.

[Marleena]

Great replies!

Elizabeth all you need to do is forward the letter to your wife like the other girls have said. Your wife needs to understand that you have nothing to do with your son's revelation. He didn't ask for it anymore than you did. You need to reinforce that it is not anybody's fault.

Your wife will support her with this life decision I'm sure, as you have. I wish you all the best!

[ReineD]

Of course I told him we would love and support him and tried to reassure him that things would be okay. No, I did not tell him about myself (he expressed surprise in the conversation that I knew so much about transgenderism).

I didn't tell him because I have no idea how my wife will feel about this. She has tolerated me, but never wanted anyone to know, especially our children. I told David/Davinia that I would give her the letter, but oh God I am not looking forward to the reaction. I am pretty sure that David/Davinia will be okay, but I am not sure what she will think of me.

What am I going to say to her?

Liz

Liz, I wouldn't say anything to her other than prepare her by saying that your son has gender issues, and he came by to deliver the letter. Then sit down with her, and give her the letter to read.

Make sure the phones are off the hook, and you will not otherwise be interrupted. Allow her reactions to dictate how you will respond. Be strong, kind, compassionate, and calm.

Please do remember that you are all separate beings, your child, your wife, and you, and none of you has the power to dictate how anyone else chooses to live their life, or react to events in it. You all are ultimately only responsible for yourselves.

[Jenniferathome]

This isn't about you, your crossdressing or anything you have done, ever. It's about your son and soon to be daughter.

[PretzelGirl]

I don't think you say a thing to your wife, at least not initially. Let her read it and see where it goes. Also realize that you may see one reaction and she may give a different reaction to Davinia. Depending on how she reacts, you may have to give her the chance to vent. You don't say whether you want to come out to Davinia. Obviously this would be a discussion with your wife and you would have to decide whether to approach it based on her stance after she has time to process everything. And yes, I am saying after she processes it because as we have seen here, an initial reaction can change after there is time for emotions to settle down.

An additional, thought. I would keep your private talks between you and your wife off of the public forum here. I know that is tough because there could be a need for the support. But there could be things that Davinia probably shouldn't hear. And you don't know if she is already here or could be here in the near future.

I wish the best for all three of you and that being a loving and supportive family is what shines through strongly.

[Eryn]

The only thing that I can add to what has already been said is that there are two revelations that have to be made and their order will be important.

Your wife knows about you and Davinia does not. Your wife does not yet know about Davinia. I think that it is important that you discuss Davinia with your wife before you discuss yourself with Davinia and when you do discuss yourself with Davinia your wife should be present so that she may see Davinia's reaction.

This might in part mitigate the "you pushed Davinia in this direction" concept your wife will undoubtedly have regardless of whether it is spoken.

I think that Davinia is incredibly lucky to have at least one parent that really understands her situation. I hope to see her join the forum soon if she isn't already here.

[Stephenie S]

I'm totally with Reine on this one.

Just share the letter with her.

Your new daughter is SO fortunate to have you and your wife as parents.

S

[Elizabeth Ann]

Thanks, everyone. I know in the long run, we will all be okay. I had no question about her love of her children, and that she would do anything for them. And I know that in the moment, as she runs through the gamut of emotions, that if she strikes out (verbally) at me, she will apologize later. I don't mind being a place for a soft, or hard, landing, but I am dreading the evening.

[andrea35]

I have nothing better to add from all the good advise you already gotten, other than to wish you the best and to please let us know how things turn out.
I am sure all of us here are going to be waiting biting
our nails wondering if you did ok

[Miranda-E]

the letter was adressed to mom and dad, so she has to see it. good reaction or bad.

[Amanda22]

This isn't about you, your crossdressing or anything you have done, ever. It's about your son and soon to be daughter.

Yes, that is exactly right, at least if you ask me. Your wife can feel about Davinia however she chooses. Same for you. You don't have to have the same opinion. Davinia is fortunate to have you as a parent. I think you'll come out to her at some point, probably sooner than later. When that happens, you'll grow together much more closely. It's all for the good.

[prettytoes]

Sit down and read it with her....together. Like others have said, the bond between a mother and child is the strongest bond there is.
When my wife found out about my dressing, one of her comments was "I'm just worried about the kids". We have 2 adult daughters, neither lives at home. She was not concerned that they might find out, rather that my gender issues could have been passed on to them. I laughed and replied "it's ok, I'm pretty sure they both enjoy wearing women's clothes!"
I will never know for sure, but I think my father was also a cross dresser. He kept it well hidden, but there were a few things over the years that now. looking back, lead me to believe this. I often wonder if it is something that is passed down, in our genetic makeup.

[ReineD]

I don't mind being a place for a soft, or hard, landing, but I am dreading the evening.

It'll be OK. You are a kind, intelligent, sensitive person and your wife loves you and your kids. She may get upset, she may blame your genes, but on the other hand, she may not. I can't help but think that you married someone who is equally kind, intelligent and sensitive, and she will realize that we have no say in our genetic makeup.

Whatever emotion she will go through will pass.

[Lorileah]

First I will say "Good luck and God Speed Davinia. I hope you live a long, happy and prosperous life."

Now Elizabeth, you know what to do. Let her read the letter and comfort her afterward if she needs it. Celebrate with her how she has been a wonderful parent who has spent her whole life working to allow her children to be able to be themselves, to be happy and to be productive members of society. That the shell is not the person. That nothing has changed except the exterior. Davinia is the same person she has always been. But now she can be happier and more relaxed. She can be who she has always been. The dynamics may change but nothing else. Davinia needs her parents now more than ever. That your wife has done the right thing by teaching her children that they can come to you for anything. And that love is undying. To look forward with hope and know that her children are individuals.

Elizabeth you have that knowledge already. You know how it can be to not feel "right". I have no doubt that you will be the rock Davinia needs. But be prepared for your wife to redirect. She will have to shift "blame" somewhere before she realizes there is not blame. She will lash out at you. Don't take it to heart if you can avoid it. It will hurt but it is just a reflex. Sticking with the boat analogy, it is a squall and you have to navigate through it knowing it will be rough but that clear skies will prevail. So stead yourself. You have heard it all before, you know the answers. You have the background here. You also have the biggest support group in the world right here at your finger tips. Come to us if you need it (PM me if you need).

I personally think that this is a testament to how wonderful you and your wife are. You have raised a child who knows what they are and what they want. Look around here at how many don't or didn't have that. I think this is a great thing for your family. You have my full support

[ThiHi]

Nothing to add that hasn't been said. Just a note of support. You have a wonderful daughter, you must be great parents as well.

[sissystephanie]

Liz, you have a wonderful wife and a wonderful family. As others have already said, give your wife the letter and let her read it. She will make the right decision and i doubt that she will blame you for your son's decisions. You obviously can understand those decisions better than your wife can, but her love of your son will overcome everything else!! Have faith, my friend!!

Oh yes, please do let us know the outcome!!

[DonnaT]

Sounds like you are ready to calmly weather the storm, if there is one. I agree, if she wants to rant, then let her.

Make sure you let her know you've already given your new daughter your love and support.