liz....my thoughts are with you and your family.much good advice from wise people and your sensitivity is your savior now. you are a passenger here and let your wife have the wheel.....time is key.my very best to that daughter you have....very special all will work out. you'll know.....
add one more thing.....it is a time to listen.......hugs to u alll
OMG what a beautiful courageous spirit you have raised.
I'm sure you can recognize the strength required to write such a letter at such a young age. How wonderful that she came to you so early in the process.
This is a beautiful story and I'm getting a little bit weepy just thinking about the wonderful life that young lady has in front of her.
It is a time to listen, but a time for comfort. You're wife will need some comforting words from her husband because this will put her in a hard spot to be in. You're new found daughter will definitely have a lot of explaining to do as this journey takes place and you're wife will have a lot of things to say about it. Let her. Everything that has been said is all very wise advice and I couldn't have said it any better myself. I can only imagine what you are going through and how difficult it may even be for you right now as you didn't even know about you're son/daughter. I hope the best for you all!
Kristen~~
I just thought of something. Maybe your wife has noticed clues while your son was growing up, but she dismissed them as a passing phase?
Reine
I think ...it is a very critical moment for you ....what you should do is to sit down with your wife and talk about it ....convince her that it is inavitable ...let it be ....so keep your profile low because she cannot stand to have both at the moment ...wait a while and see what hapens ...she will accept this idea eventually ....at the end dont you think it is good that both of you and son are the same .......
No, I wish that was so. My wife, like her parents actually, avoids unpleasant news, confrontation, or difficult subjects. I think she may actually wince at the second sentence of the letter: "I guess we've never been very good at the big talks, although that could just be me." A couple of years ago, I had a long talk with David/Davina (I know, I know, I'll get used to Davina) about indications of bisexuality. He was frank about it, and I left it that he could tell his mother in his own good time. This afternoon, I brought it up again, and he said he assumed that she figured it out from his bumper stickers and organization memberships. I assured him that she had not.Originally Posted by ReineD
So there you have it. A very loving family that just doesn't deal with things until they hit them in the face. Frankly, it has made my crossdressing easier because don't ask, don't tell really means "I don't want to know."
I think I am going into shock waiting for her to come home. I feel very cold and my hands are shaking.
Liz
Reading the letter again, and your posts Liz, I have a feeling this is going to work out fine. Take a deep breath. . .
Everyone has responded as I would so I'll just add that Davina is so lucky to have you for a parent. It will all work out in the end. We're all rooting for you.
Even though I have a son the same age -- who doesn't know about my gender issues -- I don't have any advice except to say that the thing to hold onto is that you and your wife are SUCH good parents that a 21 year old is willing to come forward to you with this kind of news. Wow. All good wishes!
OK, put on something warm, turn up the thermostat a couple of degrees, and make yourself a cup of whatever beverage comforts you. Everything WILL come out fine because Davinia has your love and your wife's love. Without yet knowing it, Davinia is already miles ahead of other people in her position. Think of how happy Davinia will be when the worst case scenairo that is going through her head doesn't come to pass and instead she finds that her parents understand and care about her.
Again, everything WILL be fine in the end.
We're here for you.
Hugs, Eryn
Eryn
"These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
"She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
"Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]
Firstly I hope everything goes well.
Secondly I do not know much about your relationship with your wife. So if what I say here is COMPLETELY off kilter then please ignore.
When I first told my wife about CD (1 year ago) we talked about how / when / if to tell children. We agreed that the one thing that would trump any other consideration would be if any of our children felt they had "problems" (and I mean here problems with acceptance by society) with anything to do with their gender or sexuality. Knowing how isolating and the sort of internal turmoil it causes to think you are some sort of odd freak from first hand our intention is to make sure that they don't feel alone.
You may need to wait to see how your wife responds and wait until at least some of the grief process is resolved (you know the deal, denial, "why me", anger, then acceptance) but I think it is highly likely this may actually strengthen your family.
Good luck and I hope all went OK.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I feel kike most of the girls here that this will work out fine eventually. You are prepared for an initial emotinal barrage, and it may or may not come, I dont know what other touch points your wife may have going that could also put her close to an edge. From what you have posted, I think you are ready for that, and can weather the initial storm. And that is what I feel it will be, initial hurt, confusion, and feeling of loss of a son, before your wife realizes that she has a loving daughter and husband, and an intact family with a slightly different structure than yesterday. Yes, you must share. Share silently and let her react and then console and comfort, and go from there
Babes
He (she) who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance.
- Friedrich Nietzche -
I may never get to fly like the other girls, but I do so want to dance, so I continue to climb.
Liz,
First, thank you second daughter for me if ever you do come around to telling her. It was a courageous and bold move. It was inspirational to me, especially that I am at a point where I am struggling with coming out to my mother and siblings. So thank you for posting this.
Second, it is a little late for advice at this point, not that I would have had anything to add to the previous posters. However, I would really be interested to learn about her response and reaction to the news. I would be grateful if you could share that.
Finally, you may want to tell her about yourself sooner then later (after the dust settles as you don't want to steal her thunder). At the rate this forum grows she may come across it and find out before you tell her.
Thanks,
- AF
Look girl, act girl, feel girl ... be girl.
Liz, What an amazing situation, and I admire your daughter's strength and willingness to communicate.
I think it may be a time of healing all around.
Initial crisis has passed. My wife is sleeping and I am going to bed. Tomorrow we are both going to be wearing ourselves out helping our oldest child move to a new apartment. I think we are actually looking forward to physical exhaustion.
My wife cried, regained her composure and then cried some more, and then cried again. I don't think I have seen her in this much pain since her brother died in his 20's, and for whom David is named after. She doesn't know what to do, and is in a panic. When she had calmed enough to think and talk about it, she is very concerned about what this will do to his life. At one point, she cried and said, "I wanted him to be a father."
He called her cell phone around 9:30. She was lying on the bed, but not asleep, but said she couldn't talk to him until she could hold herself together. I called him back and said she had already gone to bed and would talk to him later. I know he is looking for some reaction from her, but about all I could tell him was that she was upset and cried, but not angry.
She doesn't blame me, as I was afraid she might. Perhaps she will take any company she can get in the lifeboat with her.
I had a long talk with him, and hours to sit here thinking about it. I know some of you said it is a good thing he has a parent who understands, but really I don't. I am not far removed from a fetish crossdresser. I also get that calming feeling that we all talk about, but I am basically a man in a dress, and I don't even understand that. My son sits there and tells me he is a transexual and I try to reassure him, but what I am thinking is that this is going to make your life so hard.
What I told my wife, but haven't said to David, is that from what I know, this is moving way too fast for David to really know where he wants to be, that the euphoria of the moment is often called the Pink Fog in the TG community. I was a little amused in spite of the situation when he explained to me that "there is a whole spectrum in the TG community" and that he is not completely sure where he fits. He told me this afternoon that he does not contemplate anything as drastic as surgery, and that he and the girl he lives with want to stay together. He says he wants to get a new wardrobe and come out to his friends, but we joked about the fact that like most college students, his wardrobe consists of jeans and t-shirts.
I told my wife that there are people, including me, that come to this as adults, but that it is my impression that almost all true transexuals have felt that they were so from childhood. I know from talking to David this afternoon that this is not the case with him. I encouraged my wife to think of this not as a definitive statement of David's life, but perhaps an opening round in a longer process. I really mean that and I think it helped her a bit.
I know that this is not turning into the inspiring and heartwarming story that many of you thought, but I don't think I can be happy about this. I see a lot of pain ahead for everyone. You might think I am hypocritical, or a traitor to the TG Cause, but I never signed up for any cause, and I certainly did not volunteer my son to be conscripted. I will do what I can to make him happy, but if happiness for him lies in another direction, I will be relieved.
Perhaps I will have different perspective tomorrow. Right now, I am completely wrung out, exhausted. I am going to go lie down on the bed and stare at the ceiling.
Liz
Last edited by Elizabeth Ann; 01-07-2012 at 02:33 AM.
Liz,
This is completely new to your family. It will take a while for it to unwind. You're lucky that you have a lot of friends on the forum to talk to. Other families don't have these resources readily available.
Dana Ryan
Liz, from what your son related, he is not all that sure of where he is on the spectrum, and the next few months or years will be spent figuring this out. He may well be deep in the pink fog and he needs time to sort things out for himself as much as you and your wife need time to do the same.
You are far from a "traitor to the cause." We're not an evangelical movement trying to get everyone to convert to being TG! What most of us want is for everyone to be happy expressing themselves as they wish. That is exactly what you are supporting.
Your wife's reaction is understandable. We all have expectations for our children and it distresses us when they chose a path different than the one we would like them to choose. In your son's case, the path is considerably different and it will take time for all of you to settle on a new norm.
Let us know what happens. We're here for you.
Hugs, Eryn.
Eryn
"These girls have the most beautiful dresses. And so do I! How about that!" [Kaylee, in Firefly] [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
"What do you care what other people think?" [Arlene Feynman, to her husband Richard]
"She's taller than all the women in my family, combined!" [Howard, in The Big Bang Theory]
"Tall, tall girl. The woman could hunt geese with a rake!" [Mary Cooper, in The Big Bang Theory]
so I have been wondering if David crossdressed when younger or if all this is new? He says he wants to become female but not have SRS, I have to wonder if this is a finding myself thing that may change as he figures out who he,or she is. Not that I would ever be against someone changing themselves to become who they want to be to become happy. I just hope he doesn't make changes he will regret later in life. I just hope whatever path she chooses will make her Happy! good luck and keep us posted.
Elizabeth and your entire family,
I have read all the posts with interest and find from your responses that you have what is needed for Davina, LOVE!
Love and support for a family member is what will make all things fine. We all know that being Trans, or a CD is NOT something we wished for in life, but now that we recognize who and what we are we try and move forward hoping that those close to us will support who we are as individuals. Is this any different for your family?
I am sure your son will make his/her way through life managing this issue well because he is a brave individual. Coming out to you in the letter certainly shows you that, and it also says he loves you and is confident that you love him.
There will be a lot of discussion to come, and it will be interesting when the two of you will be open about your cross dressing. My advice is to make sure your wife realizes that being transgender or a CD is not something that is bad, it is different then most, but that doesn't make it bad.
I think your son will perhaps force some additional discussion to the family table. Maybe this is just what your family needs to have a better understanding of each other. I wish you all the very best as you learn about each other.
Jenny
I don't believe that anyone was expecting it to be a heartwarming made for TV type of thing. It sounds pretty much like one of the likely paths right now. But the fact that she doesn't want to have surgery and talked about the "spectrum" does raise the flag that she may not be TS and just may somewhere else and needs time to settle into a good realization of who he/she is. And don't knock your knowledge and understanding. You don't have to be TS to be understanding and supporting. That, more than anything, is likely what she is looking for from her parents and you are providing that. I hope your wife is able to come to terms with this. It isn't expected to be an easy road. You have my best wishes!
Your story is heartwarming because it is honest and free of judgment. The TSs on this board will be the first to tell you that a life as a TS is hard, and as a parent I don't think anyone will blame you for wishing an easier path for your son.
If he has a girlfriend who accepts gender non-conformity, it may well be that he is lost in a pink fog over the prospect of expressing his femininity, especially since he did not yearn to be a girl as a child. I am glad that he is not considering SRS in the immediate future but will instead give himself time to explore his gender fully.
Your wife is having a very natural reaction. She is grieving her son. But, even if it ends up that your son is TS, he can preserve his sperm for later use should he choose to begin HRT. I gather this is not unheard of within the TS community. If one of my sons were to tell me he wanted to transition, as much as I love him and support the concept it would still be hugely difficult for me to begin thinking of him as a woman and I would also grieve the loss of my little boy (they're always our little boys, no matter how old they are). But, I also know that eventually it all would fall into place and it would just be a matter of time before I would embrace him as a daughter, even if it took a few years.
My heart goes out to all of you but I also sense that you will all get through this and find peace, no matter the outcome. I can't tell you how much I admire the way that you are all handling this.
Reine
Good point Reine, parenthood doesn't have to be tied to her gender.
It's not unusual for even TS people to come to terms with it in adulthood. I know that had I explored my gender in my 20's, with the society and technology that we have now, I would likely have considered transitioning.
.
Regardless, I think she is very lucky to have a parent to have some knowledge and resources to help her. Think of all the posts we've seen from young TS girls that have tried to tell their parents only to be rejected and offered no support. Your son must be very relieved at this point. And being young, it doesn't have to be so hard for her, whatever her choice turns out to be. Most of the problems that many of us talk about have to do with changing our whole life after living half of it. Your son is at a very good place to determine what she wants for the rest of her life. Life is hard for everyone, it's not something you as a parent can change. No matter how much you want to......;
Good luck and keep us updated!
Sally
Hi Liz;
This is indeed a touching situation. I wish both you and your Wife an easy transition to the "new reality".
Your offspring is in a tough place right now. I am sure that it won't take long before Davinia/David finds this site. This may already have happened, and your "secret" will be out. Are you ready for this?
I can only hope that you two have a happy Mother-Daughter experience some day soon.
Hugs;
Pat
Inside every good man, there is a good woman.
Best of luck, this sounds like it'll take some time to get used to but when everything finally works itself out you will be happier and stronger than before.
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