So you told your SO you are a CDer, she doesn't accept, what now?

[Marleena]

There have been lots of threads about coming clean to the SO's and then feeling the wrath for sharing your secret. A CD keeps this big secret as a way of protecting themselves. Some honestly thought they could give CDing up and did not try to deceive their SO. It came back to bite them on the rear.

We all know it is best to tell your SO from the beginning but sometimes it doesn't work out that way. We also know it has to be tough on the SO's because they didn't sign up for this. You can't expect to force them to like it or accept it.

So after telling them your marriage will most likely be in trouble.

Did they do the right thing by telling their SO? We always hear it's the right thing to do.

Should they have left it alone?

Quite a few SO's will not be very accepting, some won't even tolerate it.

Is there even a safe answer to this??

[Katesback]

I hate to say this but you guys keep opening the door. See the problem is that like the word acceptance, telling carried a whole new created meaning. Its not the act of telling but the fact that telling REALLY means your beginning of ramming the trans stuff down your wifes throat! Its the beginning of the pink fog if you want to call it that.

Doubt me? Read your own threads. How many wives out there are so called accepting at the onset but then later after being innundated by the CD freight train running out of control loose it and try to put thier foot down. Sadly its often too late and it cant be stopped. The poor wife just keeps having to get it crammed down her throat.

I am sorry guys but I see so many in this forum living in a different reality. I mean in another thread one of the SOs said that they dont post here because they are either ignorred, said to need to be educated, or god knows what.

I have said it before and will say it again. You CDs hopefully one day will stand up for yourselves, come out of the closet, and live your lives with pride and honor. When that happens society will respect you and women wont be so inclined to say HELL NO! How can you expect a wife to have any interest in CD stuff when you dont stand up for yourselves. When you post pictures of your legs, ect. ect.

[stacycoral]

There might not be a safe answer, but if your SO really LOVE you for you, she will i think learn to live with it , or put rules on it. I know my SO loves me, because i told her before we got married about this side of me, and were coming up on 22 years together, and she still likes to see Stacy now and then. She know that i need this time to keep balance, and she all ways lets me know when her and the kids are getting close to home, so i have time to chance if need. It is like everything it is how a person is raised if they can handle being with us girls or not.

[Katesback]

I dont think it has so much to do with how a person is raised. I mean I am post op TS. I once said I was a CD. I am very accepting of anyone. I could care less if someone is a CD. I could care less if someone is gay.

On the other had I have a right to choose what I will tolerate in my personal and love life. I have no desire to deal with the CD stuff. The last thing I want to do is be dragged back into the life I once lived and mustered up the courage to move past it. I have no desire to take the chance that a CD in the future will become TS and all of a sudden I dont have a husband. Of course most will deny that they have no desire to transition but then hey I know better. I once was in denial and I have worked with countless CDs that were really TS and countless TS girls that were once CDs.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Well, the inital act is still honrable IMO. If your wife just can't accept it, you have a different issue than the CD being open and upfront. If the foundation of a marriage is no secrets, you have to at least let your wife know this is something you do. The issue is avoiding her finding out on her own, then wondering what else you haven't told. The old cover up is worse than the crime saying comes to mind. But if you consistently get the "I don't want to know vibes" and you've made some kind of effort to have a dialogue, respect her wishes.

[STACY B]

One question an Ill shut up I swear ,, At least on this thread ,,, What happen to its better to ask forgiveness than for permisson ? Thata what I always herd ??

[kittypw GG]

One question an Ill shut up I swear ,, At least on this thread ,,, What happen to its better to ask forgiveness than for permisson ? Thata what I always herd ??

Yeah that works for a while but time and time again you do nothing but kill feelings of love and respect from your spouse a little each time you do it until their feelings are just plain DEAD.

[STACY B]

Gotcha ,,,, Now I see ,,, Thanx alot for letting me know . Ahhhhhhh hey wait a min ? One more thing ,, Kinda like oh honey I spent $$$ at the store just had to have it ,, Or ahhhhhh I gave my sisster that money I thought I told you that ,, Put that on the card last month seen something on sale could not pass up ,, Kinda like ALL those things ? All those lies kill feelings to ya know ! Not just the boy in a dress lie ? A lie is A LIE !

[Marleena]

I told my wife WAY before we were married. Going on 11 years now and she has accepted, does accept, will forever accept that this is me and 'me is this' OK? No and's if or buts...and as far as me wanting to go TS? F**K that! I'm as happy as can be...being a CD.

End of story.

My apologies Stephnie I never intended to cause any problems by posting this thread. There are quite a few couples on here that have loving supporting relationships. Some of the mods on here as well are ongoing proof of that fact.

Sadly quite a few relationships turn sour after the SO is told.

[whowhatwhen]

Yeah that works for a while but time and time again you do nothing but kill feelings of love and respect from your spouse a little each time you do it until their feelings are just plain DEAD.

More proof that the masculine manly man stereotype is harmful to everyone.
Maybe everyone should just acknowledge that it doesn't exist and anyone acting hyper masculine is so deep in the closet they'd be able to find a better analogy than this.

[Cooljune59]

Good questions, I still think it is best to come clean...true she did not sign up for this.but I think it is just not right to hide it. My marriage is still in danger because of my coming clean with her. To be honest I will be okay with the outcome. If she wants to walk I will let her fairly and let her go peacefully. Maybe I am in the pink fog don't know, but I am thinking I might be more drawn sexually to cds than to gg. Just need more time to take this all in.

[Marleena]

Oh no, this wasn't directed at you Marleena, I think you're very sweet and would never direct an attack at you...rather my comment was directed to the rabble rouser in our midst, who can never let a thread be without interjecting negative BS about 'most' CD's wanting to be TS and in denial...over and over and over and over and over...blah blah blah...who gives a rats ass! ..talk to my hand, OK?..Jeezuz....in each and every post. Flak attack crap. Gimme us break, willya sis?!?

Oh I know. These types of threads just seem to lead to that. Thus my apology.

[Katesback]

Let me get this straight. Are you now telling me that my statments that a lot of CDs are really TS is BS? Are you really going to stand on that one? Because I got to tell you that nearly EVERY TS girl I have ever met at one point said they were CD. Thank you for the laugh. You must be married because your protecting yourself by trying to discredit me. Wont work babe!

Katie

Oh no, this wasn't directed at you Marleena, I think you're very sweet and would never direct an attack at you...rather my comment was directed to the rabble rouser in our midst, who can never let a thread be without interjecting negative BS about CD's wanting to be TS over and over and over...blah blah blah...who gives a rats ass! ...in each and every one. Flak attack crap.

[*ROXY*]

There will be those that accept/tolerate it and those that don't. Noone is forcing anyone out of the closet if you're nice and cosy in there, I for one hated hiding that side of me from the one I love. I'm now open about it, dabbled with makeup, wigs etc but to be honest it's all about the clothes and shoes for me.
If you want to stay hidden knock yourself out, don't feel the need to preach to those that don't want that, nor scream the hilltops that you must confess all. I've had an overall positive outcome and love that we can share a shopping trip without having to hide behind the bravado, now I happily say "I love that top/dress/shoes". If we've enough spare cash and it's in my size I can go for it as can she :-).

[terminal]

On the other had I have a right to choose what I will tolerate in my personal and love life. I have no desire to deal with the CD stuff. The last thing I want to do is be dragged back into the life I once lived and mustered up the courage to move past it. I have no desire to take the chance that a CD in the future will become TS and all of a sudden I dont have a husband. Of course most will deny that they have no desire to transition but then hey I know better. I once was in denial and I have worked with countless CDs that were really TS and countless TS girls that were once CDs.

Hi Kate,

Read several of your posts today, and I don't know if I caught a bad sampling but you seem to be on the warpath against CDs.

I can understand some of your sentiments, I've read the stories about pushing boundaries, cheating, etc., but this little statement and others really bothered me - it feels like you're trying to smear me with your stereotypes.

Yes, some CDs are TS, and most TS'ers were CD at some point. You said you were in denial once, fine, I really don't care.

What I do care about is that you seem to think that all CD'ers, which includes me, want to transition. And that you are somehow heroic because you mustered up the courage that us other poor CD'ers don't have to push past it into transitioning yourself.

Frankly I find it personally insulting to be painted by such a narrow minded brush - being basically told that I am something that I'm not. I know what I am, a heterosexual male who has no problem being the man in a relationship with a woman, and who, on occasion, wears woman's clothes. I have zero desire to transition whatsoever, and given that I've had zero desire for the last 20 years or so I doubt one day I'll wake up and change my mind.

I know this doesn't fit your narrow minded and frankly bigoted opinion on what CD'ers are - but, perhaps, there are differences between each of us, and that there are different paths that we intend to take.

--terminal

[Ellyn]

It is obvious that blabbing on yourself is a very risky act, but people keep taking the risk. If you are already in a relationship, and have not told your wife or girlfriend, telling her you are a crossdresser has a more than fifty percent chance that your relationship is going, going. gone. Put yourself in her place. She probably knows nothing to very little about crossdressing, and even more so, does not want to know anything about crossdressing, let alone be given the surprise that she has one for a mate. Sure there are a bunch of people who will tell you that it is best to confess and hope for the best, but there have been a number of other crossdressers who are now probably crawling around in a lonely corner where they are crying big tears in their lonely beers.

[Aylineira]

LOL I'm sorry Kate but I find that funny. OF COURSE just about every TS is going to say they were a CD before they decided to transition. I mean what else COULD they do?? Just not dress up as a woman at all until the full transition?? LOL That's like every NASCAR racer admitting that yeah they drove a "normal" car when they all first started out too.

Thanks for standing up for us CD folks but I can stand up for myself just fine.

If you think I'm in denial then that's for you to decide.

I would like to say that I am a MAN and I love being a MAN. How many fully transitioned TS can say that?

Let me get this straight. Are you now telling me that my statments that a lot of CDs are really TS is BS? Are you really going to stand on that one? Because I got to tell you that nearly EVERY TS girl I have ever met at one point said they were CD. Thank you for the laugh. You must be married because your protecting yourself by trying to discredit me. Wont work babe!

Katie

[Miranda-E]

Did they do the right thing by telling their SO? We always hear it's the right thing to do.

Should they have left it alone?

If you don't tell them you'll never really know the character of the person your with and what to do from that point. Hiding really is a living hell.
If the person can deal with it, great. If they can't its better to know.

[whowhatwhen]

I mean what else COULD they do?? Just not dress up as a woman at all until the full transition??

I definitely fall somewhere on the TG spectrum and I haven't crossdressed yet.
It's not as simple as putting on a dress for everyone, personally I don't feel comfortable enough until I can look in the mirror and no longer see a man looking back.

Clothes aren't really that important anyway for everyone.

[YorkshireRose]

Some great responses on this thread. My personal view is most women cross dress anyway, they wear jeans, pants shirts etc, so why should a guy wanting to do so be a marrige wrecker? I was nervous about telling my SO purely due to the way society pillories Cross dressers, not because I thought it would destroy our relationship.

As for Kates comments, the only extent I can relate to them is I in my teen years thought how wonderful being a girl would be, but purely for one reason. To have the right body for dresses and skirts to look fantastic on, absolutly no other reason. So sorry but I have to agree with Terminals post entirely.

[Krististeph]

Great question- I think the biggest part of the problem comes from not disclosing something pretty significant before getting married. I told my wife more than a year before we got married. She was later worried i was gay- but i told her i'd admit to being gay before being a CD.

But if you are in the situation you say- ultimately- truth is best for a relationship. I'd suggest talking with a therapist for a bit before telling your SO- not so much for you, but for your SO and the sake of your relationship. get your finances in order- get ready for whatever reaction you will get.

If the SO is unbendingly unaccepting- then how good is the relationship in the first place? me, i'd rather not be with a person like that period.

Then again, I actually worked at making sure we were compatible before we got married. 20+ years and no surprises.

[Jenniferathome]

Fact is quite a few SO's will not be accepting, some won't even tolerate it.

Marlena, I disagree with this "fact". Based on the experiences here, I would argue that MOST SOs "accept" their man's crossdressing. That should not be confused with active participation or enjoyment from their man's crossdressing. How can any SO not "accept" the fact that their man crossdresses? It's a fact. They can hate it, want to ignore it, want it to end, wish they were never told, but once told, if they stay, they have accepted it.

Let me get this straight. Are you now telling me that my statments that a lot of CDs are really TS is BS? Are you really going to stand on that one? Because I got to tell you that nearly EVERY TS girl I have ever met at one point said they were CD. Thank you for the laugh. You must be married because your protecting yourself by trying to discredit me. Wont work babe!

Katie

Kate, again, you are wildly off base. Your limited experience not withstanding. You are drawing a cause and effect conclusion that is backwards. Yes, it is likely that most TS women were once male crossdressers, BECAUSE they identify as women. That is NOT proof of cause and effect. Most TS men also crossdressed, as men. So based on your logic, women who wear pants are transexuals in waiting. That logic is insane and completely uneducated. It only shows your ignorance of what crossdressing is and further demonstrates your desire to bash crossdressers. It's ok for you to hate crossdressers, this is America and any idiot can have an opinion, but your continued stance that CDs are really transexuals only proves you are the uneducated bigot you are. I realize I am aiming this at a brick wall but your inane position astounds me to no end.

[Marleena]

Marlena, I disagree with this "fact". Based on the experiences here, I would argue that MOST SOs "accept" their man's crossdressing. That should not be confused with active participation or enjoyment from their man's crossdressing. How can any SO not "accept" the fact that their man crossdresses? It's a fact. They can hate it, want to ignore it, want it to end, wish they were never told, but once told, if they stay, they have accepted it.

Good point here Jennifer. It's very difficult to word a thread like this and get it 100% correct. I will edit it.

[BRANDYJ]

Marlena, I disagree with this "fact". Based on the experiences here, I would argue that MOST SOs "accept" their man's crossdressing. That should not be confused with active participation or enjoyment from their man's crossdressing. How can any SO not "accept" the fact that their man crossdresses? It's a fact. They can hate it, want to ignore it, want it to end, wish they were never told, but once told, if they stay, they have accepted it.

I agree. I have been married to two women that once told were accepting and in my case, even helped or had fun with it to some degree. The first person on earth I ever told was my now deceased wife. She was very supportive and my being a CD never caused any issues between us. My second wife took the news as, Is that all there is, and you worried about telling me?" My present SO, knew before we met in person. So I agree, if the love and trust is in place, I believe many wives can and will accept to various degrees of participation as long as the CD does not over do it and maintains his masculine idenity that attractred her in the first place. Being TS might be another matter.

[Tina B.]

Yes I am one of the didn't tell before hand jerks. I thought, really thought, marriage was a secret "cure" I would never have to tell anyone about my immature behavior, because with a good woman, it would go away. It didn't. Five years of being "The Man" and never giving in to those desires, I found myself depressed, filled with deep bitter anger, with me, the wife, and the whole world. Strong drink didn't help, neither did drugs, It just kept getting darker and darker in my world. I did think about suicide a time or two, but never really dwelt on it. Then I day I realized, if I ever wanted to like me again, an if I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman, I had to do something very brave, I sat her down one Saturday morning, and we talked, and I told her all about myself, when I was done, I told her what she did with it was up to her, if she could accept this news, and stay, maybe we could make it work, if she couldn't, I would have to understand, and we could both start packing, and go our separate ways. We had no children, and not much to split up at that time anyway. It was just personal feeling, that had to be dealt with. We could even remain Friends if she liked, or not, her call of course. I View know been married for 40 years, the last thirty five the best years of my life, Petty sure she will tell you the same thing. I'm still in the closet by choice (mine). And as Jen said she does not "participate, it's not like it's a game, looking for players, I just wear what I want, when I choose to. The world see me as an Alpha male, the wife See's me as the whole person I am. So yes it is risky
to tell, but for me, it's the only way I could have found any enjoyment, orsurvivedd the last 35 years.
Tina B. believeelive, all TS, where or thought they where CD'ers, at one time, until they understood themselves better, but that does not mean that most CD'ersnecessarilyaraly TS, in sixty eight years, I've never wanted to be anything but what I am. a guy, that now and then See's no harm in to slipping into something pretty, and I don't need anyone to tell me different
Tina B.