Got "gut punched" By So

[Janelle_C]

We went out to eat tonight the end of a long week. We were talking while we were eating and I said I'm a little nervous about my therapist appointment next week ( first one ) and I said are you nervous and she said I'm not the one going in to talk to someone, why? I said that I appreciate your support in me talking to a therapist but I'm worryed how far your support will go. Then she said very flipedly well if you come home and tell me you want to dress like a woman and go to church on Sunday then we have a problem. At that very second it felt like someone hit me in the stomach and I lost my appetite and my eyes got al watery. Then I realized that she thought I would go in there and talk about my feelings and nothing would change here. I don't get all made up with wig and makeup all the time but I do wear something fem all most every day and to bed all most every night. I'm afraid to tell here that I wish I could do my makeup and hair alot more of the time. That I look a GGs with envy. There just the half of it. Thank you all for listening and for all the support it's a great comfort. Love Shy

[JessicaM1985]

OMG! I'm so sorry dearie! :'(
Yeah, it sounds to me like she has the wrong idea of why you are seeing a therapist. The impression I get is that she thinks your therapist will "cure" you of wanting to look like/be a woman. It's quite the opposite actually. They are there to help keep you sane as you continue your journey towards womanhood. I would certainly talk to her and ask her what her expectations of your therapy was. At any rate , I'm here for you sweetie. Hugs!

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Hi Shy!

You are not the only one this has happened too. I feel your pain on how much that hurts. My wife has done the same thing and now we are separated and have not seen each other in weeks but talk at least once a day. We saw a couple of different therapists together until we found one that would tell her what she wanted to hear and made me feel like a pervert. The reason we have not seen each other is I plucked my eye brows and got my ears pierced. You can put anything in biblical terms if it makes you feel better. So I know your how you feel in every way and wanting to be dressed.

Hugs

[sandra-leigh]

She talked about going to church. So she has some boundaries, and at the moment that specific situation is one of them. Setting boundaries is common and normal in a relationship. In the part you related, she did not set boundaries about you going out as a woman in general, just in that situation.

My wife has set a boundary these days: I am not supposed to wear a dress or skirt in front of her mother. Her mother is literally unable to make rational judgements about people, but she does make quick judgements based upon her (known to be faulty) perceptions. Her mother currently trusts me even though she doesn't remember who I am most of the time; it would be a Bad Situation if her mother stopped trusting me. We do not know that her mother would have a problem seeing me in a skirt or dress, but the potential "failure mode" is Not Good At All. There are very few people my mother in law trusts.

I understand and sympathize with the boundary my wife requested. Life would be more pleasant for me if that boundary did not exist, but the situation is what it is.

[jillleanne]

Let's hope the therapist you both will see is a gender therapist and has the ability to teach your spouse in a positive way. It sounds like the door to acceptance isn't locked so much as sqeaky right now for you so hang in there and talk, talk, talk to her and go slow.

[Annie D]

How did the two of you choose which therapist to go to? I'm sorry, I do not have any experience going to a therapist but in my mind, as soon as being seated I would get the "concerns" that each of you have and ask point blank how many crossdressing couples he or she has provided therapy to? Maybe I am becoming to aggressive in my opinion but if therapist and SO's spent as much time researching crossdressing and transgenders as most of us have in our lives, then they may get a better handle on providing advice.

Let's see; are you seeing the therapist about your marriage? Are you seeing the therapist about your crossdressing? Are you seeing the therapist about how you wife can deal with your crossdressing? Are you seeing the therapist to get advice on boundaries? Hopefully you are not a gambler, alcoholic, sex addict, show signs of violence, have a speech impediment or have bad dreams. These and many other personal difficulties are the areas that most therapists work with; not crossdressing. If your therapist has had experience with your specific concerns then he/she can help you deal with it, not cure it.

[Beth Mays]

You can put anything in biblical terms if it makes you feel better.

Oh how right you are.
My Wife and I went to a therapist together (3rd one) that turns out to be a basically nothing more than a preacher without a church. We had seen him for a few months about a year ago just to improve our lines of communication, he had some good insight as to how we talk to one another and offer some good suggestions on communications. My wife is far more biblical than I am.
The CD was and still is one of the major problems in our marriage, we have been separated for 3 months now, but we had talk about getting back together. I had agree that I would not dress more than 2 times a week and even then keep my wife out of it by not doing ANYTHING when she is home. I suggest we see Dr. Stan again with the goal of showing us how to improve our marriage now that the basic ground rules were on the table.
Well at 8:15 Monday morning everything changed. Dr. Stan say; "this will not work, it is doomed to destroy your marriage before you walk out the door. Your husband can not be your husband if he is pretending to be a woman 2 days a week or 1 day a year." to make a long story short, my wife went from a 2 day a week agreement to it all stops now or else, again.

Talking with a trusted friend something was said that made a lot of sense to me.
"if you split with your wife that I know you love you will resent the crossdressing for causing that loss, if you let go of the feminine things to be with your wife you will resent her for the loss of your female self.. you are not in a place to come out a winner no matter your choice. all you can do now is damage control"

[TGMarla]

They are there to help keep you sane as you continue your journey towards womanhood.

Whoah! Slow down! No wonder the wife is a bit nervous! Not everyone who crossdresses is on a full-blown journey towards womanhood! Sheesh, you've practically got her transitioning, and she's only talking about going to see a therapist! I'm guessing Shy Girl only wants to dress and go to church because it's a place where the ladies often wear nice things and go out in public. Wives are quite often put out by such an idea. The therapist is there to help you sort out your thoughts and deal with the situation, not herd you down a road to full transition!

Man! Baby steps, okay?

[Karren H]

Seems to me like you would have figured out what her reaction would be and it wouldn't be such a big surprise. Assuming your paying attention and your not newlyweds. Tolerance isn't the same as acceptance and support imho.

[Launa]

I think that a lot of us that have been down this path, I'm in the middle of it too. Ask yourself is it too much for her to ask for a few boudaries? I can see that she wouln't want to go to church with you dressed and shes making a statement. You need to figure out how much dressing you want to do and how much will she tolerate. Can you both live with you dressing 60/40, 70/30, 80/20 man to woman? If you can agree on something great then move forward into those heels and dresses!

[docrobbysherry]

Sounds like you're doing this incorrectly, Shy. From my experience with counselors, I think u should BOTH go see him or her! Your wife can wait outside while certain things r discussed. But, it sounds like u BOTH would benefit by expressing your desires and concerns RE your dressing in front of a neutral 3rd party!

[Janelle_C]

Just to clarify I don't want to CD at church. I'm seeing a therapist for me NOT to get cured but to help me sort out my feelings. She just threw that out there. I just have way more feelings for CD than I think she knows about I don't think she knows how strong they are. But I'm going toa therapist just they and make sense of them.

[sandra-leigh]

I would say that for now, until proven otherwise, you should just interpret her remarks as setting one specific boundary at this time: no going to church dressed with her.

One of the things you will probably uncover in therapy is how to negotiate boundaries without it feeling as if you are being attacked.

I have known people who have lived with firm "Don't do it at home!" boundaries and have been OK with that, because their SO did not have problems with their going out, as long as it wasn't brought home. Sometimes boundaries are inconvenient and not everything we could desire, but still livable.

[Rachel Morley]

The impression I get is that she thinks your therapist will "cure" you of wanting to look like/be a woman.

That's what I was thinking too. It's early days yet and I'm assuming you don't know if you are a crossdresser or a transsexual (yet) but the therapist should be able to help with this and get you to a place (in your mind) where you are happier with yourself and your life. IMHO his or her focus is almost certainly not going to be about trying to cure you. So if your SO really does think that you can be "cured" then there could be a serious disconnect going on with her.