SQ. I just don't get it! Help me please.

[Sheilah]

Hi Folks,
Its been 4 years since I found out my patner was cd, (we've been together 20 years and we're married.)
We've had many ups and downs specifically down to the lies etc initially. In fact we did split up for a while and then set some ground rules for each other that we've both tried to live with. We would always agree to the ground rules and then within a couple of months he would tell me he was unhappy about the way things were and kept pushing for more and more she time. He saw a counsellor on his own and we saw the the same counsellor together. Its been one hell of a ride with hurt on both sides.
Inderneath everything however we'd always known we loved each other. Add into the mix I was diagnosed as clinically depressed and also found out I'm menopausal and I'm sure you can see - its been a real fun time for both of us!
Now, I'd started to think we were coming out the other side, finally found an emotional place we could both live with happily. All that seemed to missing was the real closeness we had shared together as best friends, (which we had been for 30 years.) I mentioned to my partner about this a few days ago and, (with absolutely no warning.) He informed me that he was not happy, he said he was struggling at the moment, (quote,) he couldn't really tell me what that ment. He then went on to say that he was frightened that in five years time or so he was not sure how things would be, he started talking about things excalating etc. As I said this came from nowhere as far as I was concerned and with no warning - I thought we were happy.
My reaction wasn't good - I was intially angry and obviously upset.
I just don't know what to do anymore - I have reached the very limit of my acceptance within our relationship - it always feels like two steps forward and then three back - I just don't understand - he doesn't seem to be able to help me understand - allk I know is I started to feel like a was standing on a firm foundation again and now its just back to the shifting sand. I cannot spend the rest of my life on this sand - I feel extremely angry and updet and it is making me ill.
Can anyone here help me understand.
I'm getting to the point that I feel all I do is give and all he does is take, this is very much starting to affect the love I have for my husband.

[moondog]

I think his talking about "...things escalating..." references a growing desire to have sex with a man. Which I'm sure he does not want to tell you about. If he's agreeing to boundries and then breaking those agreements only to make new agreements granting him more freedom then he certainly is more concerned with his own freedom and pleasure than yours. If you know for sure he's lying to you about these things, then he has the capacity to lie about other things with the same ease.

[Katelyn B]

I am far from properly equipped to offer advice or insight

It sounds like he may be reaching an understanding within himself that he isn't "just" (and in no way do I mean that to disparage CD's) a cross dresser, but may be transgendered, and he has no way to communicate to you he can no longer stand being a man. He doesn't want to hurt you, but I've found that once the trigger is set off, you can't turn it off, it just gets worse, and you have to become very selfish.

Luckily for me when this happened I wasn't in a relationship, but wasn't that long out of one, and looking back I think I would have handled it very badly, I wouldn't have been able to communicate what I was feeling with my partner because I knew she wouldn't understand, how could she, that the person she was with and loved, I couldn't stand being anymore. I know I would have ended up pushing her away, and to be honest I did, the reasons just didn't become clear until after she had gone.

I think you have to work out what you want first and just go from there.

[Jonianne]

Hi Sheilah, welcome. Just get a few more posts and then you can join the FAB where, I think, you will be able to really communicate with those GG's here, who definatly have walked many miles in your shoes. Have you both been to a counselor? A professional third party may be the best way to help you both sort out what each of you really wants. I feel sad for the struggle you are in and hope it can be resolved. It sounds like you are trying your best. Your SO really needs to find out who he is and what he wants. Untill then, you are left in limbo in the relationship.

It's good you are here asking. Keep searching and in time you will find the best answer for you.

[Shelly Preston]

I can understand how difficult this is for you. It has not been an easy time given what you have said about your relationship.
At this point I think you both need to stop and sort out where you are today. The future is something none of us really know about. Yes I am sure your partner has concerns about this escalating but it may come to a point where it will not progress any further. Keep talking as communication is the key in helping to solve any problems.

[kimdl93]

All you can do is keep talking and try to coax him into talking more about your feelings as well as his feelings. Its probably a good time to get back into counseling so that both of you can work out the feelings and hopefully rebuild the foundation of your relationship.

One thing I can assure him of ....a 30 year relationship with some compromise and compassion is far superior to living alone...even if a voice inside him is telling him that he needs more she time. those inner voices have been know to deceive.

[Jenniferathome]

I'm sorry to read your message. No one here can truely help as we are not intimate with your situation, but setting rules and then changing them frequently says to me he is not being honest with you about what the limits need to be for him. He really has to be able to articulate what "enough" girl time is. That stated, I firmly believe that the wife/girlfriend sets the limits and we crossdressers must adhere to that. We are infringing on your life. By the way, I am a married crossdresser who came out to my wife of 20+ years only one year ago. We talk about limits and I honor them but she is very generous in her limitations.

[DanaR]

Hi Sheilah, I'm so sorry that things seem to be so upside down for you. Live can feel like a runaway train sometimes. I hope that you will be able to find some more stability fairly soon. Remember don't say anything that will come back to haunt you.

[Karren H]

Wow... Your SO sounds selfish as hell.. After all a marriage is a partnership.... Equal though different. If he can't see that then maybes it time to cast him to the curb! You have the upper hand in this, imho. Especially if he's not out of the closet to everyone.

[Eryn]

I think his talking about "...things escalating..." references a growing desire to have sex with a man.

Wow, that's quite a random jump! I've used that exact phrase with my wife and I can assure you that I have absolutely no desire to have sex with a man.

Boundaries are generally good things, but they should not be confused with "lines in the sand" beyond which lies conflict. They are tools with which to maintain activities within comfortable limits. If either partner is uncomfortable then the boundaries should be re-evaluated to create a better compromise.

You have a long-term relationship and you've undoubtedly experienced a few bumps along the way. The current situation is no different. As long as both of you keep up communications you will get beyond this as well.

[KellyJameson]

Is it possible your husband is experiencing gender dysphoria? It can be very painful for a man to fullfill the expectations of marriage under these circumstances. It is very easy for me to be best friends with a woman but I have found it impossible to permanently step into the role of husband even though I wish for a life partner and I have caused a great deal of emotional pain for women in relationships by trying to bend myself into a pretzel while it seems so easy for other men. He may have been forcing his love for you as a husband for a wife but finds it easy to relate to you as a best friend from the perspective of one woman to another because it does not threaten his identity. Having sex as a man when you feel like a woman is very disconcerting because it goes against your natural state of being (your natural energy) and you feel very conflicted. For some they can pretend while their sexual energies are at the highest and need to be satisfied but sooner or latter the cream rises to the top.

Even though you may be feeling unloved and rejected it may be that you are caught in the same storm of truth that your husband is and always has been but refused to explore or did not know how to explore because it is such an abstract problem the mind does not really know what is wrong and tends to blame the inner conflicts on other reasons.

Even using crossdressing as a sexual outlet could still be an act of gender dysphoria because he does not have the natural inclinations to move toward a woman so turns inward for relief.

We must all protect ourselves from the consequences of others behavior so identify what you need to feel secure and healthy than build on that. Try not to harm each other but also acknowledge your individual needs and if you both choose too, search for those needs that can be met by each other (financial benefits,companionship,ect..)because there is much value in your thirty year history.

[Laura912]

There are some initials after my name that entitle me to yell stop! to everyone trying to make a diagnosis here. Sheilah you need a third party who can sit down with the both of you and provide guidance. That person should have training in gender issues. At the risk of provoking a firestorm, I strongly encourage you to ignore the responses that try to tell you exactly what is going on just based on your posting.
Laura

[Eryn]

Laura, I don't have any initials after my name, but I am perceptive enough to know that Sheilah is a grownup who can probably evaluate the quality of the various responses herself.

[JamieG]

Sheila, I came out to my wife almost ten years ago, and some aspects of our story parallel yours. For her, the biggest problem was that I hid the truth from her for five years. However, after much consternation, we agreed to mutual boundaries. I will admit that I sometimes found these boundaries difficult, and have asked to expand them. It is easy for a CDer to get a taste and want more. However, this does not mean that all of us will eventually want to become a woman or seek out the company of a man! Instead, as we become more honest with ourselves, we start to get a better feeling of where we fit in the TG continuum and simply seek happiness in who we are.

However, it seems to me that your partner is not being completely forthright with you. If he is trying to change the boundaries every few months, then he probably wasn't happy with them to begin with. I think the two of you need to have an honest conversation about boundaries that can last at least a year. You also deserve to hear where he thinks he will end up long term. Note, even if he's afraid of it escalating to the need to transition, that doesn't necessarily mean he's transexual. I have sometimes feared the same thing, but as I've learned more from sites like this and performed some deep introspection, I am fairly confident that I am a garden-variety crossdresser; or as Eddie Izzard says: "an executive transvestite." Encourage your husband to be honest with himself and then honest with you. If he's certain that he needs to take steps that you are certain are beyond your limits, it is better to know now than later.

I wish both of you all the best!

[docrobbysherry]

Sheilah, rather than try to guess what's in your SO's mind, I'll parrot the other suggestions to simply ask him, or schedule a therapist for u two. Sadly, if he rejects both, your marriage may be ending!

I've been where u r NOW. My ex "changed directions" on me. We went to therapy, but it was hopeless. She had no interest in "getting back to the way it was". We separated, giving her the freedom she wanted to see others. I continued hoping we would reconcile. Wishing DOESN'T make others change their minds, unfortunately. Eventually, I GOT IT! The love died, and I began our eventual divorce. That was over 10 years ago.

I have now moved on. And, so will u, some day! If need be!

[DanaR]

. My ex "changed directions" on me. We went to therapy, but it was hopeless.

What I see here is that everyone wasn't honest and committed to the relationship. I don't have a problem with someone changing their mind, but keep informed while it is happening. It takes two to make anything work.

[monalisa]

It comes down to communication and lack of it. Your husband needs to sit down and discuss everything on his mind so you can see what his issues are and then you need to expound on all your feelings and issues. At this point I doubt the two of you could sit down and lay it all out and therefore will require a 3rd party that each of you are comfortable with who can identify all the issues and conflicts and try to figure out whether the marriage can be saved. If both parties aren't going to put all the details and issues on the table no counselor will be able to help. Maybe it would be easier for both of you to write down all your feelings and give to the 3rd party. It appears both sides are in a defensive position. I wish you luck.

[DonnaT]

I agree with Jamie.

Sometimes people can abide by boundaries, sometimes they promise to, but later find they can't. Some fight the good fight with great inner strength, but not everyone has that strength.

Sometimes there is a renegotiation, sometimes the CD just takes it a step further hoping to renegotiate afterwards.

Many do not fully know where they are on the TG spectrum, and can find themselves sliding further along to some other point, while others find themselves sliding, with no means to stop the slide, to the point of transition.

And if we look at it as being a selfish act or not, it's easy to blame someone for being selfish, but aren't all of us who have been asked to stop but don't, or hide it completely, being selfish in the same light also?

If we had any real control, it wouldn't be so hard to just stop when asked.

[Laura912]

Well stated Donna.
Laura

[Sheilah]

For those of you that have taken the time to respond and try to help me work through this I would just like to say thank you.
Sometimes it feels quite lonely and even though our families know my partner is cd I just don't want them to worry about us so it is just not possible to speak to them.
I have shared my ip and all your responses to my partner and we are trying to talk through things.
Although, as was stated, the responses were very varied, all were appreciated however, Eryn - thank you - as confused as I may be at times I am an adult who is capable of discerning appropriate from inappropriate for our situation.
Hugs to you all XXX

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Sheilah, What most CD's don't realize it that it's mostly about deep seated feelings that need to be addressed and accepted. Any time you want to talk about it PM me. It's mostly about who we are as a person in any case, not "what" we are.

[donnalee]

As I am not in your shoes I can't give you easy answers and wouldn't presume to. As a suggestion, you might try to come up with a written list of questions for him and ask him to reply in writing. Limit yourself to only the most important. This is a way of avoiding confrontation and giving him time to express himself after due consideration. Give him at least a week to write the answers; I think you'll find they will sort themselves into:
1. Not a problem.
2. A problem needing a solution.
3. You don't understand the answer; more clarification needed.

I know this is an emotional subject, but it is not helpful to discuss it where it acts to derail you both.

[Sheilah]

As I am not in your shoes I can't give you easy answers and wouldn't presume to. As a suggestion, you might try to come up with a written list of questions for him and ask him to reply in writing. Limit yourself to only the most important. This is a way of avoiding confrontation and giving him time to express himself after due consideration. Give him at least a week to write the answers; I think you'll find they will sort themselves into:
1. Not a problem.
2. A problem needing a solution.
3. You don't understand the answer; more clarification needed.

I know this is an emotional subject, but it is not helpful to discuss it where it acts to derail you both.

Thank you - that sounds like a very good idea for both of us actually.
XX