need advice...

[erin_nicole0112]

I have not posted here much lately as I have been more with Facebook however, I have a situation that has recently occurred and I am seeking advice. This may not be the appropriate forum and if so I do apologize.
I have not been able to go out much as Erin at all. This past Halloween with help from my stylist, who I confided in some while back, I went out as Sarah Palin. Christy did a wonderful job. Some of the girls I work with were out with me that night and I went to work in costume for Halloween. The girls I work with knew that I enjoyed myself and also seem certain that I dress more often due to the extent in which I presented myself. Most I am gay although I have only dated women. One of out vendors, John, saw me briefly the day I dressed at work. He has kidded me about when would Sarah come out again. It's kinda of been a little joke between us. As time has passed, I have looked forward to talking with him although I would feel weird as I was in guy mode. Last week something took over me and I told him Sarah may come out again and she would be looking for a date. Long story short I had Christy help me and this past Saturday I called John to come over to my apartment, part of me hoping he would not and the other part praying he would. I had been drinking that afternoon, mostly due to being nervous, and was buzzing. Mind you I have only dated women in the past, but no one over the past year to year and half. I kept thinking to myself, "What are you doing?" but carried forward. He and I were on the couch joking and talking about my "being Sarah" and of course drinking. I was a fish out of water but continued to flirt. One thing led to another and I remember waking to him leaving around 3 a.m. I awoke around 6 in bed with clothes everywhere. I don't remember how far things went...but physically I knew they went pretty far. I have been off this week and have not received a call from John nor have I attempted to call him. I have not talked to any of my friends at work either. I'm not even sure if they picked up on the interactions I have had with John in the past. I am not sure what to do. John is by our office at least once a week and I am not sure how to even approach him. For all I know he may be regretting everything. We did not talk when he left, I just awoke to hearing him leaving. I am now very confused about myself as I never thought things would go this far, not at this point in my life of Erin/Patrick. I know what I did was not at all safe in so many ways. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks all.

[Katrina Black]

h i cant count all the g.g.s in this world who are still waiting for that phone call.. men are pigs i say... your problem is dating a co worker so to speak.. how was the conversations do you have things in common start there...you will see him again ,, he may be feeling a bit ashamed of himself ? when you do see him let him know all is good either way ...that way you both can carry on ,and who know go out agian? but then agian i dont know crap

[KellyJameson]

Let go of the guilt, try to stop insisting on how you define your sexuality ( I'm offering this advice without having accomplished it so I'm being hypocritical ).

We cause ourselves much pain because we adopt behavioral roles that others have handed us.
The heterosexual role model, The macho role model, The Good Christian Role model. All these roles rob us of life because they limit us from learning about ourselves.

I believe I understand why you wanted this experience and in my opinion it had nothing to do with sex for you but with wanting to be desired as a woman so the sex act becomes symbolic. My whole life I have fought this desire because in the end I know I would be used and still would not be a woman but it is a very powerful and seductive desire for some and there is no shame in being seduced by it, I have come close on more than one occasion and still may but only with my eyes fully open and no illusions.

Be careful with you health and remember to always keep a little foregiveness in reserve for yourself, we never stop making mistakes but fortunately we can always learn from them and you may find after all it was not a mistake. We never know who we will become until we stop listening to those voices inside our heads on how we are suppose to act according to others rules.

[docrobbysherry]

I believe you've omitted the most important part of your post, Erin. What would U like? To see John again? To forget the whole event? To be able to go to work regularly as Sarah? U don't need to reply here, but U DO need to figure out for yourself what it is u REALLY want!

[STACY B]

UK ,,,OH ,, Somebody was drunk dressing !!! See post ,,, Told ya ,, All kinds of things can & will happen ,, Dont know why or how the post got all hung up on drunk driving ,, But this is exactly what I was talking bout .

[paulaprimo]

erin dear, it took me 50 years to realize i was bi. i was always confused and looking for answers. sometimes answers and advice don't help, only makes it more confusing. it basically comes down to what you feel inside. as your story goes, you obviously wanted this and that is fine. and i guess he enjoyed "sarah" also. no one was tricked or fooled and you are both adults and consented. as i see it you did nothing wrong!! as long as neither are in a comitted relationship. just try to be more safe next time...lol
sometimes there are no questions or advice to seek, when you alone hold the answers. if you enjoyed it and thats what you want, then follow your heart.

[kendra_gurl]

I only drink occasionally. totally drunk perhaps once a year at best but for the life of me I can't imagine being so drunk that you can't remember EXATLY what happened

[SuzanneS]

Erin,
Great story, but you else need to invite him over with you dressed and talk(and not be drinking)about what happenend, or talk to him while not dressed and break it off. I [I]almost[I] would like to be in your position... Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know, but this would make it easy for both of you...

Suzanne

[erin_nicole0112]

Thanks everyone for responding. I think just being able to put this out there has helped as I really had no one in my personal life to turn to. Isn't that how it has always been? I really do need at some point to seek counseling as trying to find balance is becoming more difficult. I have gone from purging to self medicating with hormones several times in the past couple of years and now this. Going out on Halloween took me to a place I had not been before as Erin. I am off for the remainder of the week and will be away for the weekend with friends from 20+ years that have no idea of Erin. I still have not heard from John. I talked with one of my coworkers about the comings and goings at work so far this week and asked in a around about way about John. She said he had been by the office yesterday. My friend Christy, who helped with my makeover, called and asked about my weekend. I did not tell her about John and had told her I was attending a CD meeting for first time. I felt sad for being dishonest with her but was not comfortable telling her more. I may try and call John before I leave for the weekend but am not sure. I am just worried of the awkwardness of seeing him in the office next week. Thanks again everyone, your responses have helped.

[Ari333]

I believe you've omitted the most important part of your post, Erin. What would U like? To see John again? To forget the whole event? To be able to go to work regularly as Sarah? U don't need to reply here, but U DO need to figure out for yourself what it is u REALLY want!

thats better than anything I was gonna say! one thing is for sure, when I'm Arianna, I'm much more confident and what I want is what I'm gonna get! I've dated men out of curiosity also when younger, there just wasn't much info or anyone to bounce ideas off of. so I mistakenly believed that if you dress like a girl, you should want the attention of men. in my case, the attention is ok, but theres no real physical attraction. we all like to be flirted with. try to keep in mind, girls run things, its like that old saying, "when a guy goes out, he's wondering if he will get lucky tonite. a girl ALREADY knows!" also, this information will be just as harmful to him, maybe more! next time drink less!

[jillleanne]

Erin, if you want to know how John feels, ask him. You will soon find out whether he felt it was good or bad for him, right or wrong for him, or whatever, but the only way you will ever know is to simply ask him. Maybe he's just waiting in anticipation for you bring it up?

[Rogina B]

Don't beat yourself up over!!! It may have been "a one night stand" lol. Either way,you ought to arrange some face time as Erin,with your friend and figure out what the attraction is between you. It isn't wrong to be special friends and you probably don't need the coaxing with alcohol if it is really there for you. Have fun,and wash up when you're through!lol

[WanabJulie]

Sounds like you had a great time except for that little blackout thing. I would be very worried if that happened to me. If you have had other blackouts then that is a little better in the fact that he most likely didn't slip you something. As for him not calling you back, how do you know that you didn't tell him to never call you again?

I am with KristenCD when she says the worst part might be that you don't remember a really fun night. My advise is to go with how you "feel" the night went. You might not be able to recall all of what happened that night but your brain remembers it all. Your feeling of what happened will be your brains' memory. If it is a good feeling, I would call him and explain you had to much to drink or whatever. Then if you both are so inclined, have another date and set your camcorder (just kidding about the camcorder, maybe...)

As far as the dressing and the late night date, I am hoping for one of my own someday. When it does happen, hopefully I will have wonderful, steamy memories of the night for years to come.

Best of luck girl.

[jaye_cd]

Sounds like you had a great time except for that little blackout thing. I would be very worried if that happened to me.

I would be so worried I would be at the clinic getting tested!

[erin_nicole0112]

Talked to John today after work. Somewhat uncomfortable in male mode but long story short....there more than likely will not be a second date. Seems he had always been intrigued and now it has come and gone. It leaves me relieved and sad all at the same time.