Unsure of where to go now....

[JessicaM1985]

So after talking with a friend on here, I have come to the realization that I'm transsexual and not bigendered. This came to me because I have been wanting to live as a woman for a very long time now and have been suppressing it. I have come out to people I know, including my S.O. and immediate circle of family of family and friends. They know I'm dead set on this and that I need it to be happy. Some are less supportive than others, (ie still calling me by my birth name and using only masculine pronouns and have openly stated a refusal to stop doing so) but all of them want me to be happy. I've also changed both the name and gender on my facebook account, so I've technically gone public with it as well, though people may or may not notice). Acceptance isn't much of an issue right now, although not many people have seen me enfemme yet, so I expect that to change and can deal with that as it comes.

The problem I face is how far I want to go with this, as well as having a limited income with which to figure this all out.
I know that I would prefer to have as few surgeries as possible, and would rather keep my penis. Does this mean I'm not transsexual? I do want to live as the woman that I know I am, and want to legally change my name and all of that and an prepared to accept the hate and transphobia that comes with it, but I'm unsure of taking hrt and getting ffs done.
Then comes the fact that I'm a full time college student that lives at home, and only makes what the government pays me to go to school. I don't feel entirely honest about taking taxpayer money for a sex change, but then again, I'm getting desperate.

I know that when I look in the mirror and see that masculine face and build, a little part of me dies inside each day. When I shave and put makeup and a wig on, I feel a bit better but it still feels like a cheap farce and hollow. Mainly because I know that I still look like a dude in makeup. Knowing that makes me die inside a little as well. When that realization hits, I get majorly depressed, refuse to do any kind of care or grooming to my body and just hide in my room for days. (school doesn't start again until next monday and my band rarely meets for rehearsal sadly, so my obligations are limited)
Most of the gg friends, gm friends, and family I have are too busy to spend time with me on the whole so I have nobody to talk to about this and for some the topic makes them uncomfortable anyways. I feel alone, trapped, and abandoned.

I would LOVE to be able to talk about all of these things with a gender therapist, but I have no money or insurance to see one and am afraid that they'd kick me to the curb even if I did. That and I don't even know where to find one within 15 miles of where I live (bad tags on my car forces me to make short driving trips, lest I get it impounded)

Sorry for the rambling that only insomnia can bring, but I don't know where else to turn for help. I'm scared that if I don't deal with this soon, I may lose what little sanity I have left.

[kimdl93]

So after talking with a friend on here, I have come to the realization that I'm transsexual and not bigendered..

Jessica, with all due respect to your friend, I think its a premature to classify yourself in one group or another. My very strong advice is to seek out counseling. If you cannot afford a gender therapist, I'd suggest going to a therapist at a federally qualified health center. they offer behavioral health services on a sliding fee scale, based on ability to pay. It may not be the ideal, but at this point you would benefit from professional services.

[Katesback]

You said you want to keep your penis. LOL I dont think I ever met a woman with a penis. I suppose you could make a lot of money as a *******. By the way your NOT TS. You can call yourself anything but TS.

[Kristy_K]

You said you want to keep your penis. LOL I dont think I ever met a woman with a penis. I suppose you could make a lot of money as a *******. By the way your NOT TS. You can call yourself anything but TS.

I would have to agree with you Kate.

[Marleena]

I have a bad feeling about this, just confirmed. Good luck Jessica!

[Nicole Erin]

You said you want to keep your penis. LOL I dont think I ever met a woman with a penis.

Now it has nothing to do with gender labels per se but I believe a lot of female school gym teachers have penises. I mean damn girl you gotta admit, some of those female gym teachers we had back in school were scary! Kinda of like "Miss Mann" off "Scary movie"


But now as far as a label, miss Jessica, why not try this - live as you want? There is no right or wrong way of doing things. No one but lovers or maybe doctors see what is in your pants anyways. You don't have to have a vagina to live as a woman or present as such.
Get this - I know one so-called TS who has had SRS and still lives as a guy except when going to some support group. Not sure WHY one would do that but anyways how you live is up to you.

[Melody Moore]

I have to disagree with some of the people here. I think there are 3 types of transsexuals
Pre-op, Post-op & Non-op. Now I know a number of non-op transsexual women who can't
have surgery due to age, health and financial issues, but I still don't think that makes them
any 'less transsexual', than Kate is. Noone here fits neatly into a little box like some imagine
we should. The fact is the gender spectrum is spread across a continuum of differing identities
and some people don't fit into one or the other. Myself personally, I am a binary transsexual
woman so having a penis doesn't sit right with me and I desperately want my surgery as well,
however because I am still pre-op that doesn't make me less transsexual than Kate is for example
and in fact if I want to play my intersex card then I am more biologically female than she will ever be.

The best advice given to you here so far is to see a gender therapist and work out who you
really are and how best to proceed. Take no notice of anything else right now, its useless noise.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Jessica,

You asked if you would still be transsexual if you kept your penis.

I'll answer your question with a question.

Would me keeping my penis make me not intersexed??

If your transsexual your transsexual despite the degree of physical changes you decide on and can afford.
HRT will change your appearance over the course of time and with you being young it will be notably dramatic in what it will do for you.
Take this one small step at a time.
There are many resources available to you at GLBT centers that will give you leads on a little or no cost therapist.
Above all Jessica dont deny yourself the truth whatever that may be.


Julia

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lots of advice and all different..as you can see you really are not alone in this..there are lots of us

YOUR job Jessica is to sort through all of it...

labels will not help you..am i or aren't i? is a great question..the answer is yours alone... and the answer gets you nothing, its what you do about it that will matter...

Right now you are describing your life on the Island of Misfit toys...you are searching where you fit..who wants you? who do aspire to be ??

but based only on your OP you have WAY TO MUCH THINKING going on way too far ahead of your ability to do anything about it..

what steps can you take right now? my guess is to find some support, either professionally or locally in some kind of support group or area event...you need to find out more FACTS about transsexuality and what it means to you, and more FACTS about what your REALISTIC options are..(ffs??? it's $40-$50k...is that still realistic for you?..300 hrs of painful electrolysis at $60-$80/hr!! still interested??)...see what i'm saying?...get the facts...

you still may be like me...ruminating all night about options and coulda shoulda woulda...but at least if you get more details you can use that info to make progress on the most important thing in your life...YOU!

[JessicaM1985]

You said you want to keep your penis. LOL I dont think I ever met a woman with a penis. I suppose you could make a lot of money as a *******. By the way your NOT TS. You can call yourself anything but TS.

Ouch. Way to stick up for fellow transgenders by calling them ******** and way to run me down even more by implying that I'm a ***** and want sex for money. I come asking for help and get put down. Thanks. :/

I want to keep it because I'm broke, and I don't like surgery. I have a fear of sharp objects and don't want to run the risk of something going wrong. Maybe my fears will be eased as I learn more and maybe you're right in saying I'm not TS. It's still not going to affect my decision either way as I've already crossed the point of no return and am moving forward, but doing so with extreme caution from this point on. Hence why instead of just dialing up the nearest quack to sign me off, I posted here first looking for some resources in hopes you girls had some that I couldn't find.

I agree Julia, I will never understand the whole 'Im more woman/transsexual than you' mebtality. I was under the impression that this community was here to build each other upand give solid advice. If you don't think I'm TS fine, but no need to run me down when I was trying to be completely honest and wrote straight from my heart.

If you want a more detailed story of how I came to this conclusion, by all means p.m. me. But I think I have the right to request courtesy since I give it. :'(

[kimdl93]

Isn't it funny how people will say they abhor labels, but so willingly apply one to themselves. Jessica's post is a case in point.

Jessica suggests that she's decided that she s transsexual, but not transgendered. To me that that's a bit like saying one is a robin, but not a bird. How one choses to label herself may reveal a lot about what's going on inside her head. But this is obviously a perspective at the beginning of the process of self discovery.

Obviously, its complicated, which is why I think Jessica needs to seek the guidance of a disinterested professional. I look at myself as an illustration. Certainly, I cross dress. And from my earliest, most vivid memories, I've been attracted to all things feminine...and teased for behaviors that my siblings felt were...well feminine. I love wearing womens things and presenting publically as female because I feel that my outward presentation matches who I am inside. I have no doubt that I'm transgendered - something in my brain is at least. But, I don't foresee making any more dramatic changes to my life. I love my wife, I grudgingly play a male role in some other personal and professional relationships, and I'm not prepared at this moment to make any major changes. So, I am reluctant to pronounce that I'm a transsexual. The labels - cross dresser, transgender and transsexual are models or abstractions that help me understand myself a bit better, not standards that I measure myself against.

Does that make any sense to you? Or am I entirely full of hot air?

[Inna]

Hi Jessica, I am sorry for some responses you have received, however, even though we are a community of like minded, not always are we all pedagogically inclined and so from time to time you will hear an angry response to an innocent and honest question. Said that, having penis or not, wanting it gone or not is entirely your choice, you are you, the way your feelings tell you you are. Labels help medical professionals do their jobs, prescribe hormones and suggest the road ahead for healthy outcome. But labels are fictitious they do not provide description of self, so don't dwell too much on being labeled this or that.
Your feelings describe however, Gender Dysphoria, the state of disconnect between body and mind, internal feeling of gender differing from that of your body secondary sexual characteristics.

As some have suggested above, therapy is the first step, if you contemplate spending money you get for some surgeries then you should have plenty for therapy. Gender specific therapist and preferably someone with a vast experience, and if you talk to them openly and tell that you are in financial trouble, then I am sure they will work things out so that it really doesn't cost you that much! I have paid $45 per session but the going rate was $75, they are good people and are there to help.

I have also been pronounced a transsexual, the term I was so afraid of and dreaded its sound, but despite having all the former sex attachments my therapist had put the label of transsexual woman on me after second month of therapy. Transsexual is the individual who desires to change their body sexual characteristics to that of their perceived brain sex. But that is an old label and therapists are going loosely on an absolutes.

We are here to help, and everyone really means well, just not everyone will convey the message in the soft and humane manner, that's all.

Get help, get going, get better, love, Inna

[JessicaM1985]

I don't think you're full of hot air Kim and respect what you're saying. Perhaps I'm ignorant in the use of my terms and transgendered is the "correct" term to use. I know very well that this isn't just some fanciful dream that I cooked up in a month's time but a genuine issue that I have been struggling with even before puberty. (So about 14 or so years)

I tried my whole life to pretend I was fine and that I was your "average joe" even though I knew better. I compensated for it by doing "macho" stuff like playing football even though I had no interest in it. I figured that if I kept fighting it, it would go away. Yet at the same time, I'd look at women and be sad and jealous. I was about as much a guy as they were, yet I'm stuck in this hideous shell. I still look at myself in the mirror, see all the hair and rough manly features and want to run my fist right through it. I spent years making plea deals to with God to either turn me into a woman, always followed by instant guilt and internal humiliation beczuse I had no idea why I couldn't just be happy with my birth gender. I get that some of you girls think I'm just some dude who discovered a panty drawer and that I'm not 'one of you' but you haven't walked in my shoes to make that judgment. You don't know the number of hours I've lost sleep over it, the tears I've shed, the fear I've felt, the beatings I've taken to 'stop being such a fag' (as my dad's ex wife would say as they were doled out because I had mascara on), or the number of prayers to fix this I've prayed.

[kimdl93]

I don't think you're full of hot air Kim and respect what you're saying. Perhaps I'm ignorant in the use of my terms and transgendered is the "correct" term to use. I know very well that this isn't just some fanciful dream that I cooked up in a month's time but a genuine issue that I have been struggling with even before puberty. (So about 14 or so years).

Jessica, I am afraid my comments seemed to belittle your genuine feelings. and for that I apologize. You describe youself in much the way I would have felt throughout my life. So, I know the internal struggles and conflicts very well. What I'd like you to consider is what I suggested initially - get into a federally qualified health center and talk to a professional. They likely won't be specialists in gender issues, but they are professionals at listening, and based on what youv'e said about your finances, they are likely to be affordable. So, you could get some unbiased help, perhaps even a referral to a specialist willing to work on a sliding fee basis.

[AudreyTN]

Jessica, with all due respect to your friend, I think its a premature to classify yourself in one group or another. My very strong advice is to seek out counseling. If you cannot afford a gender therapist, I'd suggest going to a therapist at a federally qualified health center. they offer behavioral health services on a sliding fee scale, based on ability to pay. It may not be the ideal, but at this point you would benefit from professional services.

I agree with Kim. I am pretty sure I am transgendered, but since I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, it's been advised I wait a year and go through therapy to get the accurate diagnosis. Some have told me only I know, and some said only a license doctor in this field know, and some same it's necessary to go through therapy and talk it out before reaching any conclusions.

Reason: If you get on hormones, do all this FFS surgeries, and look as a woman, and you get halfway through it, and then you realize, this isn't for me, you've just wasted a bunch of time and money for nothing, set yourself back emotionally for many many years, and you will have ruined many friendships and relationships, and for what?

Sometimes our emotions and our feelings and frustrations can get in the way of our judgement, and we as humans might believe we know what we are, when in fact, it could be an entirely different set of circumstances at play and could be misconstrued as gender identity disorder. It's easy to confuse one thing for another, especially when things aren't going well, and those things justify in your mind as to who and what you are, because a person may be unconsciously, subconsciously or even consciously using that as an excuse to change themselves chemically and physically, which in turn affects changes their emotional and mental state of being for the worse.

Jessica, for your personal sake, get in, see a gender identity therapist, talk to them, be open, be honest, tell them how you feel, your thoughts, desires, past relationships (ended good? ended bad?), your dressing habits, and so on, get to the root of your issues, and once you have the advice, opinion and diagnosis from a medical expert, then you can figure out how you want to proceed.

I've started my therapy, but I am not taking hormones (even though many have suggested) until after 1 year at the earliest, because I don't want to make a mistake. I need to do what's right for me. Thinking about changing your sex is one thing, doing it is an entirely new and different ball game, and it may open you up to things you are not prepared to deal with. Patience is the key to your success, and I'm not trying to tell you not to do anything, but therapy is the 2nd step. The first step is realizing you need to talk to someone, and that as much as friends care, they are no more qualified than you or I to give out diagnosis' as to your sexuality or gender identity issues. That's why these doctors spend 8-16 years in college ON TOP OF the 13 they've already spent in primary education. They're professionals for a reason.

Am I sure I am transgendered? yes. Do I despise my masculine attributes? yes. Do i feel conflicted between mind/soul/heart and body? yes. Does that make me transgendered and in need of a sex change operation, hormones, and FFS, and hair removal? not quite. That needs to be further studied, examined and observed, because my past has many horrible events on a continual basis, from molestation, to being picked on, teased, beaten, to continually failed relationships, and so on, that could be affecting my attitude and judgement towards the way I am right now physically, and I may have on some sort of level I don't realize or acknowledge, be telling myself, events x, y, z, and a, b, d happened, so I'll just become a woman and go through all this and that will solve all my problems. Truth be told it won't. That's where therapy comes in. You have to resolve your issues, make peace with the things and people from your past, put yourself in a good emotional state of mind, and only when your mind is completely clear and removed of doubt, can you make an informed, unbiased, unweighted, and logical and rational decision for your best interests at hand.

Don't rush it. I'm 31, my time is running out, but I'll not be rushing it. I'm doing it the right way, therapy for 1 year and since I despise body hair, I'm going to start hair removal on my face and chest (because even if i don't go through it all, that's just less hair for me to have to worry about) , then if the counselor agrees, I start HRT and transition.

All things happen when they are supposed to. A wise friend once told me, everything may not happen on our time, but everything happens in time and on time. Keep your chin up, one step at a time.

[AudreyTN]

You said you want to keep your penis. LOL I dont think I ever met a woman with a penis. I suppose you could make a lot of money as a *******. By the way your NOT TS. You can call yourself anything but TS.

there are plenty of men who have transformed themselves into very feminine women with the exception of their male gender parts. Society dictates that we are distinguished by our physical looks as either man or woman, and by our genitals as either man or woman, but I think we all know that is not true of who we are on the inside.

I don't see how you are any more qualified that Jessica, or her friend, to make an ascertainment as to what Jessica is or isn't, unless you have some intimate knowledge of your secondary level of education that you'd like to share with us that proclaims you to have received a Bachelor's in Psychology, a Master's Degree, and a PhD in the appropriate fields of study in which qualifies you to make such statements?

Many transgendered females and males, keep their original sex organs, wishing only to appear physically to society as who they feel and know themselves to be internally, and many are content with that. everyone is different in what they want and choose, and what opportunities are available to them.

[Nicole Erin]

Jessica, I saw in your title you call yourself a metal head.

let me assure you that you are NOT a metal head unless you have a mullet and drive a Z28. You also have to wear spandex and a motley crue tee shirt.

[Kelsy]

Jessica

Lack of money doesn't make you any less transsexual if that is what you think you are but It will just make doing anything about it a complete misery. A life threatening one possibly!
Can you speak about any dysphoria you might have concerning your body??
I see you have met Katie! >>smile<<

Kelsy

[Traci Elizabeth]

I am getting in here late on this thread but I would like to echo some of the responses that the #1 priority should be must be to talk to a professional. First option would be one with experience with LGBT individuals. If you cant find one of those, then find one without that experience. The key is to start getting professional help to help you to sort through all your feelings, emotions, desires, and history. If money is an issue be up front tell them that.

I offer you a word of caution that I think i very important in your case. I would not recommend you to be as open able telling friends and family as you apparently have been. You are putting the cart before the horse. There will always be plenty of time to tell as many people down the road as you want. Remember the old standard parable "Words spoken can never be unsaid." Telling all these folks this early in your journey only complicates your situation and puts more stress on you than you need right now. For those you have already told, I would not mention it again or if you feel you have a need too, then just downplay your situation.

Imagine for a moment you tell everyone and their brother that you are transsexual - a woman! Then down the road, you make the decision you are not and that was just a way to hide from or ignore more deeper issues that you may or may now yet realize. That is a good reason to make finding a professional your #1 priority. How do you then after telling every one and taking steps on your own to transition, that you are not a woman but a man? (I am not saying you are either. I don't know what you are and neither does anyone here. Only you and your professional will know that.) I would think that contradiction or flip-flopping would cause you more heartache that you realize.

With each and every person you tell, your life as you knew it changes and maybe never to return.

So my way of helping you is to tell you to get the help you really need one way or the other, and slow way down or stop telling everyone you are transgendered. Even if you are, all you are doing is creating more conflict in your early transition period that you don't need. When you get focused, enlightened, strong, and self-assured as to who you really are, then you can shout it out to the world.

Best wishes for you!

[moondog]

Jessica,

Check out the counseling resources at your college. It's confidential and free for you as a student. If they do not have a counseler who specialize in or has experience with gender identification they should be able to give you some information where you can go at a price you can afford or even for free. The college might even pick up part of the tab considering they were unable to provide you with the services you require. It's something to look into for starters and it costs nothing to ask.

Talking to a friend is good, but remember friends will generally tell you what they think you want to hear, and right now it seems like you want to hear "Yup, you're a girl so get going with that."

A therepist will spend many hours over the course of a year or more delving into what makes you tick before he or she gives a dignosis. Tell the truth and hold nothing back. You're talking about a total life change and after surgery it's difficult, if not impossible, to go back. This is not something to rush into, which is why you need to live as a woman for a year and have multiple letters from therpists and psychologists stating that you are, in fact, pychologically a woman before you can get the surgery.

I doubt you can get taxpayer money to pay for FFS or SRS. If it were possible there wouldn't be so many TGs and TSs lamenting how expensive it is and how difficult it is to come up with the money. If you CAN get taxpayer money please PM me with how to go about that, ok?

It's your right to ignore anything anybody posts here, including my post. Only you know who you are and who you want to become. The trick is knowing if you want it because it IS who you are inside, or because you THINK it's who you are inside.

Good luck and stay strong, PM me if you want. Also I'm not kidding about the taxpayer funding, I really would like to know if it's possible.
And this brings me to the final word of my post.

The final word is....therepy.

[Katesback]

But dear I am helping and supporting you. I am helping to clarify to you that you are not TS. When someone tells me they want to keep thier penis then that immediately lets me know they are NOT TS. Anything else you can call yourself I really dont care but your not TS.

Ouch. Way to stick up for fellow transgenders by calling them ******** and way to run me down even more by implying that I'm a ***** and want sex for money. I come asking for help and get put down. Thanks. :/

I want to keep it because I'm broke, and I don't like surgery. I have a fear of sharp objects and don't want to run the risk of something going wrong. Maybe my fears will be eased as I learn more and maybe you're right in saying I'm not TS. It's still not going to affect my decision either way as I've already crossed the point of no return and am moving forward, but doing so with extreme caution from this point on. Hence why instead of just dialing up the nearest quack to sign me off, I posted here first looking for some resources in hopes you girls had some that I couldn't find.

I agree Julia, I will never understand the whole 'Im more woman/transsexual than you' mebtality. I was under the impression that this community was here to build each other upand give solid advice. If you don't think I'm TS fine, but no need to run me down when I was trying to be completely honest and wrote straight from my heart.

If you want a more detailed story of how I came to this conclusion, by all means p.m. me. But I think I have the right to request courtesy since I give it. :'(

[Kelsy]

Jessica,
I doubt you can get taxpayer money to pay for FFS or SRS. If it were possible there wouldn't be so many TGs and TSs lamenting how expensive it is and how difficult it is to come up with the money. If you CAN get taxpayer money please PM me with how to go about that, ok?

Please add me to the free taxpayer money list!!

[natalie james]

But dear I am helping and supporting you. I am helping to clarify to you that you are not TS. When someone tells me they want to keep thier penis then that immediately lets me know they are NOT TS. Anything else you can call yourself I really dont care but your not TS.

who cares if jessica is TS or not? none of us know her. only she can know if she is really TS. her, and her therapist. i do support that she see somebody, in the case of my college, i see a top tier shrink for free.( the school pays) she isnt a gender therapist, but she has got the job done for the past two terms, and is now helping me with gender as much as she can. we all know you can't do things Like HRT without a letter anyway, so if she isn't TS , she won't get to transition. she will be weeded out. it's a waste of time to get worked up and make any kind of assessment on jessica period, and dumb to do so, because we are not qualified and don't know her. in the long run she won't affect our lives, so why even bother wasting our time telling her shes not?

[JessicaM1985]

Kate, I will take the advice of a trained therapist before I say yes or no. I agree with the others here on that and perhaps I misused the word transsexual. Transgendered would probably be better suited, but I still don't believe it's anyone's place except a licensed therapist to tell me I'm not.

The interesting thing here is that the point of this thread was not the 'am I or not?', but for additional resources that a regular search on google could not yield. The best recommendation here is to get a therapist and I agree. I will begin looking for one ASAP.

I'll save everyone the trouble and label myself as late for dinner since fewer people will get upset with me using that. Lol

[natalie james]

you see.... jessica now states that she agrees that therapy is a good idea, and will seek counseling. let's consider the matter closed and not argue like five year olds. " no, your not" "yeah, i am..." i assume were all grown here. it's totally dumb.