I joined this forum on March 3, 2011, not quite a year ago. Since that time, I have posted close to 600 times, of which exactly 100 are original posts. Out of morbid curiosity, and in anticipation of my 100th OP, I have recently reviewed some of my earlier submissions.
In the beginning, I was a relatively shy, nervous, and unrealistically idealistic girl. Although not so young, I had yet to knowingly communicate with another member of the transgendered community prior to joining. Consequently, I was excited, eager, hopeful, and quite naïve. In fact, I had no clue what to expect from the forum. But whatever my expectations were, I did expect greatness. And in this forum, greatness within the membership I have found.
Looking back over my posts, however, and thinking back upon who I was when I first joined this forum, I am no longer that person. In fact, I have changed so much over the past year that I hardly recognize myself at all. The person I thought I knew was but merely a happy-go-lucky crossdresser, just soaking up the atmosphere of this remarkable site, having fun, and writing about butterflies, flowers, dancing to the music, and the beauty and magic of crossdressing.
The person I am now is vastly different. Specifically, I have been through much emotional turmoil, and have experienced psychological chaos and anguish over my gender identity. I have had brutal growing pains that I did not know were even possible, and I have broken down and cried more times than I care to count.
When I first joined, I had no idea that I teetered so precariously on the brink of complete, total collapse, confusion, and emotional chaos. I was, or so I thought, happy in the closet. My closet was my blessed sanctuary. I could be anyone I wanted to be in my closet. I could dress any way I chose, and I could do so safely, securely, and comfortably. I was limited only by the bounds of my active and otherwise ample imagination.
But alas, the one person, evidently, that I could not be was myself. As I evolved, matured, and my awareness began to blossom and branch out as a result of time spent here, the person I knew was ultimately annihilated. Simply decimated. And let me tell you - annihilation hurts. It hurts much.
With the wisdom, assistance, and experience of the membership, and many, many professional therapy sessions later, I have managed to break through many years of of denial and suppression, and rediscover my true self – I am transsexual. I want to be a woman. To greatly complicate matters, I also happen to be married, have a young daughter, and have a demanding career.
Regardless, however, I did not ask for any of this. Not this. Life as a crossdresser was innocent, beautiful, fantastic, and relatively easy by comparison, even if I was but only in the closet. This is hard, difficult, harsh, unfair, emotional, extreme, merciless, and unforgiving. Be that as it may, I strive mightily for the middle road, and to live and exist between the two genders. Only time shall tell if I am successful. But with the help, support, and guidance of this forum and its membership, I shall adapt my strategy accordingly, hurdle after hurdle after hurdle, and see where it takes me.
In this, I am quite thankful and grateful for all of you, for what you have done, are currently doing, and will do in the future. I know that I am not alone in my journey, and I take much comfort and solace in the numbers herein, and the friendships I have been so fortunate to cultivate and forge. I thank all of you for simply being here.
In life, though, change is inevitable. For better or worse, change is always around the corner, rearing its head, ready to grow, ready to pounce. How have you changed since joining the forum?
Originally Posted by Karren Hutton
Ten Years Living 24/7 as a Mature Lady
