[SIZE="4"]If I was born that way, then why didn’t I start feeling “feminine” until 4 years ago? Why didn’t I feel the need to crossdress throughout my childhood? And why do I only feel “feminine” every so often?
I only crossdressed when I got an urge to do so. So if I was truly feminine, then I would want to do it on a consistent basis, which is what some crossdressers do. Maybe they are truly feminine, but I am not.
What I have is transvestic fetishism. I crossdress for the sexual pleasure of it, not because I want to be a woman or dress like one. I associate sexual pleasure with women’s clothing, instead of having sex with women.
There are a few other reasons why I believe I crossdress. I was always painfully shy around girls growing up. I have never had a girlfriend, still to this day (26 years old). My theory is that because I lack relationships with women, my crossdressing is a way to bring some sort of feminine presence into my life. So instead of coming home to a girlfriend or wife, I instead dress up and use that as a replacement.
Also, I notice that “the urge” comes when I feel overwhelmed or stressed out. Crossdressing is an escape, a distraction from all that is going on in life. It allows you to feel completely free and relaxed. But instead of giving in to that urge, I can instead find ways to channel that energy into my work. Or, I can go for a walk. Anything that will actually be productive, instead of destructive.
I believe then that my brain associates feminine clothing with sex, and that is why I am drawn to it. Once I am done masturbating, I no longer have any desire whatsoever to wear women’s clothes.
As I continued to indulge in it, the worse it gets. It’s like having one drink one night, then a few more the next time, and then all of a sudden you start having 8-10 at a sitting. You get the idea.
I believe there is a continuum with crossdressing. At first, it’s just an innocent behavior, just like having a beer. Then, a pattern begins to develop. I almost began doing it after awhile even when I didn’t feel an urge to do so. One day, you realize that you can’t stop even when you try to. I believe that I had a sexual addiction, or maybe I still do but I certainly feel differently now than I did before.
Now, while I believe that I wasn’t born with a “feminine” alter ego, I think one was starting to develop as a result of crossdressing. I did notice that I was acting more feminine, but I am not sure why exactly. Maybe it was still away to get sexually aroused. Maybe it was because I thought I was more feminine, and therefore believing that I was just being my true-self. But once again, I am not really feminine. I was never that way growing up, so I know that it wasn’t a part of myself.
My point is this: the further you go along, the worse it gets and the harder it is to stop. [/SIZE]