Rikki Build Thread

[Valerie Louise]

This would be my first post on this site, other than my introduction up in Newcomers.
I am a member of an RC model airplane forum, and we frequently post "Build Threads", which chronical the build of a model from a set of plans. The very nature of the thread causes the OP to go over things that may be common knowledge. However, it is always instructive, particularly for people that have not encountered a start to finish build -- it puts a lot of info in one place instead of searching.

I pushed my CD back for four years, but I'm back to stay. Part of the reason I have binged and purged is that I have not been dedicated to the best presentation I can get - laziness, ignorance, guilt, money, etc. One day I would look at myself, not like what I saw, and start purging.

So, I'm on a journey to build Rikki Louise, and I have a lot of parts to make and integrate. The WALK, the TALK, makeup, eyebrows, gestures, attitude, how to wear a purse (utterly baffling), removal of 40 pounds of hourglass masking weight, etc. I'm going to chronical my efforts to help drive me to keep making progress, and for those that may be interested.

This is my thread. I will not be offended if no one reads it at all. I just need to tell someone what I'm doing - I cannot keep it bottled up. I know that all my experiences are not new and similar ones have been written here in these forums - where I find stuff that I use, I'll reference the poster.

Rikki Louise

[JessHaust]

Wonderful idea, I know I'll be following your threads with great interest.
Your description reminds me of my journey this past year. Right down to the 40lbs (still really need to loose another 20!).
I spent a lot of tome researching clothes, makeup, hair removal, shoes, nails, etc. and still it contiunes.
Remember that this forum is a great resource for info,good luck and keep us up to date.

[Valerie Louise]

I'd recommend you read my introduction in Newcomers, as it explains my history, home situation and the triggers that got me back to CD.
My wife does not know, but I am committed to tell her at some point soon. I have learning and research to do before I'm ready for that. It is not going to be pretty.

Shortly after making the decision to start "acquiring", I came across some words written by a TS who characterized the drive to CD as a blessing. I never thought of it that way ... I thought of it as a burden, curse, and somewhat dangerous (reputation). I have held jobs where I would be fired for this behavior, no questions asked. (I'm an engineer, and was also in a sensitive part of the military). But this person's words clarified for me that I have a dimension the "normals" do not have, and I can do things they cannot do as a result. The wonderful feeling of being fully dressed and looking half good - they cannot experience this. I've accepted me now.

The first thing I did was hang out at a Target, near the ladies shoe area, and spotted those 5 1/2" black patent platforms. It took me several turns about the store to know which box (size) I was going to lunge for when no one was looking. Grabbed them, picked up a drab shirt I didn't need, and endured paying for them at the register.

At home, I went out to my barn, locked the door and proceeded to try to cram my size 9W mens feet into those 9.5M open toe heels. What a struggle. I know from past experience that it is possible, once I convince the shoe to bulge enough to let my little toe in the right place. My feet fit in 8.5 mens shoes, so with work, I can get in these shoes. What finally did the trick was dunking the front of the shoe in warm water (picked that tip up on a womens fashion site), wearing knee highs, and constant pressure. After about 9 hours of not so pleasant work, they slip on easily now, barefoot.
The next step was to see how I looked in them when I walked. I watched myself in a mirror, but I knew I was not really "seeing". I needed ... video.

[Andy66]

You're treating yourself like a hobbyist's project? That's an awesome idea! I love it, and I might just steal the idea. Not so much in relation to gender, but to get my life in general more the way I would like it. Good luck to you, Rikki.

P.S. - I once watched a woman in a shoe store struggle to cram her feet into a pair of shoes that was way too small. Pitiful. For chrissakes, Ricki, get yourself some shoes that fit. Many stores sell them up to size 11. Stripper stores sometimes go higher than that.

[Valerie Louise]

But first, I knew I needed to get some initial clothes. I had saved two bras and a cincher from the Purge Monster, so I had some foundations. I have always found that shopping in malls and stores leads to a lot of money spent, awkward SA conversations, and mediocre results in my choices. But this time ... there is a Goodwill three minutes from work. Once the two neurons I clack together in my head to make ideas found each other, I realized that for nothing at all in cost, I could look at and purchase in multiple sizes clothes that had been worn and tested by GG's! Woohee, and off to GW I went.
Now, there is definately a Crossdressing Goddess, and if you worship correctly, she will endow you with luck. I found this empire waisted, above the knee, scoop necked dress in XL. It is multicolored, base color navy with sort of a patchwork of floral stuff on it, with a flippy hem. A lot of black in it. I also grabbed a plaid mini skirt, a denim mini skirt, and some tops. Took it up the register, which was pretty private and walked out with all that for less than $30.

Out in the parking lot, I examined my haul. Darn, the mini skirts are size 15 ... no way I'll fit in them. The tops are nice, but won't work with the skirts, but heck, this was my first try at GW female attire procurement. The dress ... maybe it'll be OK.

[Valerie Louise]

Thanks for the responses so far. OK, so I'll skip forward in time to address the shoe question.
Yup, I know I need to get the right size.
Of interest is that my wife and I can wear the same shoe (now how would I know that?). She is also wide footed and has the devil of a time finding shoes -- because she does not shop online.
But I do. I set up a new eBay account, and did you know you input width, and all sorts of parameters into the site to lock in on those shoes that you want? I started looking, and holy cow, I can have anything I want.
I can easily get into a women's 9 wide. It is not length as much as width. To be honest, I'm not sure if I'm a 9W or 10W.
Yup, you guessed it ... I found some 10W heels on eBay (worn once, paying $8.50 for them), which I'm going to try for fit to see exactly where I am. In the course of finding these, I read a lot of reviews of womens shoes and it is a jungle out there. It appears that most shoes do not run true to size and GG's are constantly buying online and returning for larger or smaller sizes. This is an area where I'll be learning -- without doubt, heels that hurt cause your WALK to be wrong.

[JessHaust]

The standard rule for shoes is your mens size plus 2. But remember that sizes vary from brand to brand. I wear 10.5 or 11 mens, but I wear a 12 from Nine West or Ellie. Massey.com and designershoes.com are good places to start.

[Valerie Louise]

The next weekend, I locked myself in the barn while the family was away, and started to dress for the first time in a long time. I'd purged my forms, so all I had was rice in knee highs. I had stopped by Walgreens to get panty hose ... but no ... they have ... swoon ... thigh highs. Three packages, two black and a nude, pick up bread we don't need and pay for it. I donned the foundations, jet black No Nonsense stockings, and lowered that dress over my head. Figured out it had a side zipper, relearned how to tie the string in back with a bow. Jammed feet in shoes.
And I walked to the mirror, no wig (purged), but oh. I had forgotten. This dress is perfect for fatso me right now. I've never had an above knee dress before, much less in 5 1/2" heels. It was very, very nice to see again.

Onto business now. I set up my video camera on a tripod, set it next to the mirror, adjusted it for HD, and spent the next 15 minutes, just walking back and forth, doing my best. Now, I've gone out before dressed -- the furtive stuff, like pumping gas, driving around, walking in deserted strip malls. I figured I was not too bad.
Well, I took that mini DVD to the computer, and played it (being careful not to save anything on the computer). Oh Goddess, I looked awful! It wasn't the lack of wig or makeup,or even the chest hair (just wait, I'm building here!). I was tromping. The arms don't swing right. There is something wrong in the posture ... I seem to be leaning forward or something. It is terrible. The dress, hose and shoes are great, and fit well. It is my movements that are just ... bad.

[Valerie Louise]

This was a time of introspection. I realized how difficult it was going to be to complete this build and allowed thoughts in my head that it might be too much. Geez, if you can't even WALK ...
In reviewing, I knew that at 5'8", and 195 pounds, I was not a reasonable facsimile of a man, much less a woman. We have a nice scale at work that provides a printout and it is telling me I need to be back at my highschool weight of 155 or less. The WALK is all wrong, and I don't know what to do about it. All the hair is not working ... I have eyebrows that are not that thick, but they are out of control. My nails are constantly breaking because they are weak.
I kept looking at the youtube videos of missmellisa1980. Now I get that she is young, and I am 56, so the expectations are not the same. But look at how she moves. Just consider the way she puts her hand under her chin -- it screams woman.
I don't do that. I don't know how to do that.
But ... if she can do it ... I can do it.

Going to bed now, more later as I catch up to where I am now.

[Andy66]

Once you have lost the weight (easier said than done ) your walk and posture should improve dramatically. Keep at it, lady.

[Renee W]

After you get 10 posts and have been active for more than a month, apply for membership in the GM section. In there there is a Journal section where you can create a thread to document your progress. The best part of that thread is that only you can post to it, makes it easier for others to read your journey.

[Valerie Louise]

Sorry I've been away.
The first step I took that was a clear choice for Rikki was to lose the weight. I've never seriously tried before. I remember a fellow officer once told me to stop eating lunch. I also looked at my basal metabolic rate on the scale printout ... 1850 cal. Now, a pound of fat is worth ... 3500 calories! This means that I need to establish a caloric deficit with respect to that 1850 number.
So, Rikk decided that she would, and for two weeks now, I chew on a small bag a popcorn for breakfast, a single granola bar in the afternoon, and about 2/3's of a "normal meal" at dinner. I'm at 185 now. It isn't bad ... I'm not that hungry, I just feel queasy inside sometimes. But, building the hourglass part of Rikki is tremendous motivation.
At Goodwill, I snagged a black career wrap that is a size 14, but it is from Charter Club (Macy's), so I think it is larger that 14. At any rate, I fit in it, and with a cincher, the shape is coming. Hip and butt padded panty is on the way. It really motivates me to think that I will get into that dress with room to spare.

40 pounds ... if I am successful, think how much healthier I will be. CD'g may help me live longer!

[Valerie Louise]

The WALK.
After reviewing my video, and knowing I am totally incompetent, I started surfing youtube for how to walk like a woman. Like anything you want to know, there are a huge number of hits.
I found one runway coaching video, and several things dawned on me.
1. You have to get your shoulders back behind your chest. Relaxed, I slouch with shoulders hunched forward.
2. Your arms have to be utterly relaxed - they need to swing back and forth with the walk ... I found that doing this substantially reduced the swing at the shoulders and increased at the elbow. The total swing is much less, and the shoulders stay relatively fixed, as opposed to swinging back and forth, as a result of 1. above.
3. You have to turn your arm such that the elbow joint axis is parallel to your chest. This allows the forearm to swing freely.
4. It helps to put one foot in line with the other as you walk, but it isn't necessary. What is necessary is to pivot at the hips. I keep thinking of trying to lead my step with the hip. This is hard to get going, but once you get it going, it feels right in your rear end.

Doing these thing immensely helped me walking in heels. Because of the slouch, I was always having the heel slip a bit as I went forward, as opposed to that solid "click" that you get when you walk right.

I cannot dance. This is like dancing all the time -- there is a lot of stuff going on that is not what you have been doing all these years. I found I had to concentrate on one thing, get that down, then move on to another, while trying to keep the last one.
We have long deserted hallways at work. Whenever I alk anywhere, I walk the WALK, unless someone is around. This has made a big difference in posture. I stand erect now, all the time. It is hard to convey how far back I had to pull my shoulders to get in line.

Long walk paths really make a difference -- you can start cutting in the pieces one by one -- OK, shoulders back, head up, walk, OK, relax the arms ... no relax!, OK, swinging now, OK turn the elbow, yup, got it, OK now pivot the hips ... swing .. It is hard to do all that in ten feet, and you sure cannot do it the first time out. I find it is easier to do in drab, because I can concentrate.

I was at Walmart today, in drab, walking the WALK -- big coat on an all, but I don't care what it looks like. I'm building.

[JessHaust]

I find putting one foot in front of the other when you step goes a long way into making the rest of the walk fall in to place.

[Daphne Renee]

Sounds like you are doing a great job with your build so far. I will be following this thread.

[Ellyn]

When you get done shedding the 40 pounds you mentioned, and can get into the size 12 mini-skirt, be sure to post a "How To". There are probably a lot of us who need that.

[Valerie Louise]

I will say this about weight.
Dealing with it is all in your head.
I thought differently until I got motivated.
Once you decide that you want to present, and can present, at your best, then I found an iron will power I did not know I had.
If you don't stick with it, you have not got the motivation.

Just look at the options in dresses you get going from an 18 to a 14. It is night and day, at least in my opinion. Again, in the past, I have given up because with that gut out there, it is obvious I'm not a woman. Women do not get fat that way. Jeans, same story.
The idea that I have a goal, ten months or so away, of being able to go outside and be confident ... that is the driver. But there are many parts to make yet.
BTW, it turns out I can get into the two mini-skirts I bought -- my hips are not fat. They are 14's. But the killer is that I can easily wear 12 jeans, but there is no shape. Once my butt and hip padded panty is on ... no way. I'll be up at a 14.
On top I'm a 16, and on bottom a 14. Hopefully the weight loss will help me equalize.
IF ... IF ... I continue at the weight loss rate I am on, which is 8.6 pounds in 14 days, then at the middle of March I'm at the target weight, and the battle to hold it begins. I am under no illusions ... without exercise, the metabolism slows to deal with the lower food intake, and you plateau.
Which brings me to the next step in the build .... yoga.

[JessHaust]

Rikki, you are so right. I discovered the same iron will as long as I thought about dressing. Lost 45 lbs over the last year and am shooting for another 30.

[Valerie Louise]

Jess -
When you lost the weight, can you tell me what happened to your dress size? It seems to me that my size 16 on top is driven by the breadth of my shoulders, not my waist. Perhaps losing weight will take off shoulder flab, but I am skeptical it will make a big difference. You read about women dropping two dress sizes with 40 pounds of loss .... did you see something similar?

[Valerie Louise]

More shoes.
I bought a pair of 10W 3" pumps.
They go on easily and there is about 3/8" play in the heel once I shove my foot up into the toebox. I like walking in them - painless - but they are too big. So, the mystery is solved - I need a wide shoe. I found I can even get into a 9W. I think it is 9.5W for me. Wish I was not so chicken and could try on in stores.
I'm a bit out of control on shoes right now - I have four pair, which is a lot more than I've ever had, and I've got my eye on more. The bug has bitten hard this time. I really need a pair of shoes to wear with jeans.

[Valerie Louise]

Forms. Bought size 7's, low profile, wides from Janet's closet on eBay. In a previous binge I paid 5 times what I paid for these forms, and these are better. I wear a 40C, and I fill out the cups with these forms in some bras, not in others (oh yeah, bought two bras on eBay and went into Walmart and just picked one up and paid - getting bolder again). I'm hoping with the weight loss to get down to a 38C, which these forms should be fine for, I hope.

[Valerie Louise]

Hip and butt.
What a PITA!
eBay .. bought a nice panty girdle with silicone pads in the rear. Terrible once on. The loose skin in the crotch gets caught up in the leg edges. The pads are not big enough, and no hips. Stupid purchase.
eBay ... bought a nice girdle with butt AND hip pad, foam. Again, abject failure. The legs and waist roll up/down, and the pads make me look lumpy, because the pads are ... lumpy. Stupid purchase.
Checked the clothing forum on this site. Numerous other members have been through this, and the consensus of the "hip and butt" thread was one from Underworks (not eBay). Ordered one, and am hoping it works.
And the takeaway? Where there is a choice to achieve a critical part of the look, take the time to research on these forums.

[Valerie Louise]

Update, sorry I've not posted lately.
The underworks shaper is ... perfect. Now I have the curves I need.

OK, Yoga.
Now look, I know it sounds wimpy. My wife worked on me for two years to go, and I refused because I did not want to be "unmanly" (how ironic). This period was in my "I can beat this CD thing" blackout, an unhappy time.
I've got a bulged disk at L4 and L5 (spinal vertabrae, lower back), and at one time was in so much back pain that I was on 800 mg of ibu every four hours for months. I lost control of the lower part of my left leg for a time, but I got it back by keeping the swelling under control. My wife said that yoga would help in the ongoing battle to keep the back pain at bay. I finally relented and now go twice a week.
So here's my report on yoga classes.
You get to be a very small minority in a sea of women. You can taste the estrogen. They wear yoga pants which are nice, and they are focused on the routine, not you.
You are relatively heavily muscled, and probably are very, very tight. There can be a lot of pain in it, because it is all about stretching and building core strength, particularly in the upper body. Don't get me wrong here - you do not come out sweating, and you do not mind the stretch pain. One reason is that you realize that you need to stretch out in order to move more like a woman.
In my case, I cannot come close to touching my toes (called a Forward Fold), much less execute some of the more involved poses like Side Plank (you are in your side, one foot and one hand on the ground, with that arm straight). You learn a lot about your body, such as my hips are so tight that it is literally pulling my posture into a S shape -- this is what is killing my back. It also helps with the abs, and you burn more calories than when you are at rest by a long shot.
Did I mention that you are spending an hour with all manner of women, exercising? My instructor is a woman as well.
Here's a clearly relevant example. Go to youtube, and search on "secrets in lace 6". You will find a young woman, checking her makeup, and then do this amazing routine of adjusting a nylon stocking. Now don't get all tied up watching her pull up her skirt to fix a garter - do that later. Look at her feet -- she bends her foot backwards by an incredible amount in order to allow her to smooth her hose. I realized that this ability to bend the foot back allows one to extend your leg further when walking, and not have your toes in the air. It would allow more graceful walking in heels.
I looked at MY feet ... holy cow I can barely make the top of my foot straight to my shin, much less have it bend further back as this woman easily does. I have begun a stretching regime, modelled after yoga, in which I simply squat with my lower legs under me, and my feet flat back. As I shift my weight backwards .... oh, the pull in the top of that foot. I'll get my feet to do something better than they do now, and I'll keep trying to emulate that model.
Another bonus ... today I went out and bought a pair of women's yoga pants. They are all black, and the only give away is that they are tight on the tops of my legs. Next yoga class will be my first time wearing womens clothes in public, but only I'll know that. In my head, I'll be able to be "one of the girls".
I think you will like it if you try it.