Wrote my wife a letter

[moondog]

I don't know how well many of you know about my current situation, so I guess I'll give a hopefully brief synopsis.

I have been wearing panties off and on since I was 6 years old. I have fully dressed perhaps ten or eleven times because my desire to dress fully is greater then my living situations have ever allowed.

Throughout my life I have wondered why I was born a male and always felt I would be happier as a female. This gender confusion really started spiraling out of control in November and December of 2011. Fortunately I found this forum and got into therapy. From reading threads here and speaking with my therapist I knew there would come a time when I would need to share everything with my wife, and I decided it would be better to do this sooner than later. If she wants nothing to do with me then we can move on with our lives.

Several times over the last week I have attempted to tell her, but how do you begin a conversation that will ultimately get to “I want to dress like a girl and suck…?” Honestly I don’t even know if that IS what I really want, although the feeling, thought, desire, however you want to put it, is inside of me.

A week ago I moved into my own place because I couldn’t be around my wife in the state of mind that I’m in right now. It wasn’t healthy for either of us to live together. At first she thought what I was going to therapy for was something minor, however, as I continued she began understanding something is seriously going on with me and she’s given me a lot of freedom, understanding, and compassion.

The sad truth is, I am/was too scared to speak my truth to her face. Her reactions and facial expressions probably would have been too much for me to take and I would have shut up. Honestly most of the time when I speak to my therapist I cannot look her in the face, so I spend most of our sessions speaking to the wall or bookcase. She’s never brought it up as I’m sure she knows why I have to do this.

Last Friday I wrote my wife a letter detailing everything I've been dealing with and what I've been talking to my therapist about over the last month. I gave my wife the letter on Saturday afternoon. The letter contains everything I’ve done, thought, dreamt, and fantasized about, basically it is my life, so it was no short letter. Through that letter I told her things that I had never told another being up until my current therapist. All of my shameful acts, blunders, regrets, hopes, needs, fears, everything that is me, I put into words and carefully put those words onto paper. Then I tried to hand it to her.

Handing it too her proved too difficult. So difficult, in fact, that I could not let it go as she tried to take it from me. Finally I placed it on the counter. I asked her to not read it while I was with her and since I spent the night she didn't get a chance to read it until this morning. Several times I fought the urge to take the letter back, or to sneak downstairs while she slept and toss it into the fire, denying it ever existed in the morning. Even when I left the house before her I looked at it, lying there on the counter, quietly holding all of my deepest secrets, and I wanted so badly to just quickly grab it and run away, never looking back. I didn’t. I went to do my laundry and left the letter where it lay.

She called me and told me she read the letter. I started crying. I do that a lot lately. She told me everything is fine and that we’ll talk tonight. To say I’m nervous doesn’t do justice to how I feel right now. Actually I feel like I’m going to vomit.

Right now I’m just trying to keep myself occupied with anything so I don’t start building this whole mental scenario of what she’s going to say to me when we see each other in a few hours.

I won’t be able to post anything until tomorrow morning and I’ll fill you all in on how it went.

Now I am going to the bathroom to vomit…seriously.

[paula123]

Good luck hope every thing works out

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Moondog, I hope it all goes well for you - you have done the hardest thing you will probably ever do in your life - I cant even begin to imagine how you must be feeling but you've taken the bull by the horns - now you just have to hope that the bull is a docile one. Good luck

[KlaireLarnia]

I wish you well. I remember telling my wife and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I hope you have a positive result at the end of it and I wish you (both) a lot of luck as it will be hard on you both.

K

[Sarah Doepner]

I agree with those above me in the thread. You have taken the most difficult step already. With the weight of this unbearable secret off your shoulders you should be able to think more clearly and not have fear being the thing that colors every choice. I wish you the best, you've earned it.

[suzy1]

I am very moved by your thread Moondog.
You describe the nightmare you’re going through almost too well!

She said ‘everything is fine and she will talk tonight’ that sounds hopeful to me.

I hope we will read a lovely thread from you tomorrow.

All the best, SUZY

[KelleyG]

I think it is great that you are starting to open up and let your wife know about your true feelings. I just recently let my wife know about my desires to dress. she was very understanding. more then I expected. The important thing is that you have opened up the lines of communication and can now move forward with you life. It may not be easy but with each passing day it should get better and better for you. Hang in there, you will get through it

Kelley

[Michelle V]

There is a reason why you decided to come out and tell your wife the truth now. Don't back down no matter what happens, honesty is the best policy, you have to be honest to yourdelf and to your wife, you have taken a very big step today but in reality you have been working on it for some time, not a lot of people take the time to seek help, THAT right there is huge! BE true to yourself, she needs to know this is who you've always been and since you've been doing it from childhood IT IS WHO YOU ARE and should not change your relationship, if anything it may improve it, DO NOT BACK DOWN! good luck to you and please if you need to talk (write) I and the other girls from this site are here for you. Best wishes, Michelle

[BRANDYJ]

Moondog, I too wish you luck. I hope the love your wife has for you is strong enough to stand by you. I hope she is a compassionate, open-minded woman that can accept the man she loves likes to dress as a woman. Of course I;m not clear where you want this urge and need to go. That is to say, are you a crossdresser or do you feel you are TS? In either case it sounds like you have not accepted yourself yet and perhaps you are not even clwhere you want this to go. I had not accepted myself when I told my now deceased wife back in 1974-75. I had no clue as to why or what I was. It was through telling her and working it out together that I began to accept myself and clearly understood that I was a crossdresser that had no desire to ever transition. If given a choice of crossdressing or continueing being a CD, I would have chosen my wife and the love we shared. Boundaries where discussed and agreed upon as well as self imposed boundaries. i had the good sense to know what would and would not be in my best interest to keep my wife and share a happy life with her.
Not knowing you or your situation, my opinion is that you just started on the road to knowing who you are and accepting yourself. Now it's up to your wife to express her feelings and her level of acceptance for what must be a shocking revelation to her as it is with many wives that learn this after youers together. Please go slow with her and if she is important in your life, avoid pushing it and let her lead in any future talks. If you love her, now is the time to tell her constantly and more important...show her.
My thoughts are with you and hope all goes well for both you and your wife.

[DanaR]

Thanks for sharing this with us. Whenever you move toward an unknown, it can be scary. I hope that everything goes well for you and your wife. Please let us know how everything goes.

[karenlong]

i truly hope all goes well for you, as several said dont back out, but let your wife lead, let her do most of the talking and just answer her questions honestly, do not lie, just tell her, no matter what happens, you can feel better by just telling the truth

[Raychel]

Been there, done that, except for the moving into my own place, and that was close,

That was several years ago for me now, and all is cool here, My wife has become very accepting and still loves me for the person I am.

I sincerly hope that all works out just as good for you.
Good Luck

[KlaireLarnia]

My wife has become very accepting and still loves me for the person I am.

Which perhaps is the most important part of it. My wife and I know only death will part us, our hearts are so tightly entwined. It is because of this she accepts me for who I am as she knows deep down I would move the world and stand in front of her and die to save her - even if I was wearing female clothes at the time.

Love is the strongest bond we can ever know.

K

[Kathy Smith]

Hi moondog,

"She told me everything is fine and that we’ll talk tonight." That's a small sentence, but has a lot of meaning behind it. She's willing to talk and that's the most important thing of all at this stage. If both of you can _keep_ talking I'm sure you'll be able to work something out.

If you've seen any of my previous posts on this subject you'll know that it wasn't all that long ago that I told my wife. I know what you're going through (to some extent anyway - I never got to the point where I moved out.). IMHO you've done just the right thing. It's really hard writing a letter like that, isn't it? Make sure that your wife understands that _she_ isn't alone in all this. She needs your support more than ever at the moment. If you think she might be receptive to the idea, let her know that there are lots of other SOs on this forum who she can discuss her feelings with.
I sincerely hope it all goes well for both of you.

Remember - Keep Talking.

[drag n fly]

It sounds promising, Moondog...I'd wager all will be well...At the very least you have unburdened yourself and told your truth...Be well, good luck...smooches Jackie

[Presh GG]

Moondog,

I so admire you ! It would be a much better world if all s/os could be so honest.
It sounds as if she already knew some of what you wrote.

I wish you the very best, whatever that may be for you and your wife.

Presh gg

[Barbara Ella]

As has been said, you have taken the hardest step of your life. Now, to sit down and talk, and continue talking, no matter what you may feel, this is the most difficult step of your life. She did not reject you. She seems to understand that een with who you really are, it is still fine with her. Keep talking. I hope you work up the courage to look her in the eyes during your talks. I had a difficult time when I told my wife, to look her directly in the eyes while coming out. You love her, just keep that in your mind over the next days and weeks, because it will be something that you discuss often. You were honest in your letter, you must continue that honesty, and you must find it within yourself to open up even more than with your therapist. Never leave her hanging without a response. You cannot move out on her now. The bell has been rung, and can never be un rung.

Best of luck. and know that everyone here is behind you and your wife to help you both work through this.

Babes

[Kelli Ca]

First of all let me say how great it is that you found the courage to open up, I know that took alot. I agree with everyone. Who says that the willingness to talk is huge. I know when I told my wife it was the best thing I ever did. Keep us posted good luck

[prettytoes]

My wife found out the hard way. I came home after a weekend in the mountains to all my female clothes neatly folded and laid out on our bed....you can't even imagine how my heart sank. I fealt about 2" tall. After a few days of silence, we had a long talk. Lots of tears, and many questions from her, but overall it went pretty well. I really never imagined it would go as well as it did. I thought it was the end of the world when I saw that clothing spread out on the bed...turns out it was the start of a better time in both our lives. I can now be who I really need to be (with just a few boundries), and we have been much happier. I sleep better at night (amazing how much better I sleep wearing pink PJ's or a satin nightie!), and overall have been happier than ever. No more hiding, no more secrets....life is good!
You may be surprised at how understanding a good woman can be. Good luck, I hope it turns out as good for you as it has for me.

[KlaireLarnia]

Just a thought. I recently posted some lyrics on to my wife's Facebook page which she very much appreicated. All our friends thought I was just being nice, but she understood the deeper meaning and commented it was right in every way. They seem appropiate to share here too. They are from the song Humilitas by Lesiem if anyone wants to look it up on YouTube:

Wherever I go
Wherever you are
The peace you bring
It's lifting me so far
Now I see
It's a miracle
So hush now
Forgive me all the secrets
All the lies
Hold me
Everything is holy now you’re mine
You bring me home

K

[Sister Rachel]

I think you're going to be fine ... good luck

[Missy]

wish you all the luck
if you both love each other then it will work out
your wife might just come up with some ideas that might knock your socks off

[Richelle423]

I hope and pray that everything turns out well.I hope that she becomes very understanding about your cding. Just take things slow one day at a time if she accepts what your're doing.Got my fingers crossed..

[Maggey]

Congrats on you for the courage to tell your spouse. Communication is huge aspect of any relationship. The fact that your SO has opened up the communication lines is huge. Take the opportunity to talk and be open.

[Marleena]

Hang in there Moondog you did the right thing! I think it will work out for you.