Pushing my own limits...but it feels so much more normal (long post, sorry)

[KylieQ]

Right now I'm staring at my cart on Amazon trying to convince myself that I shouldn't buy the ridiculous amount of makeup that I just picked out...and I'm failing miserably! but anyway...

There seems to be an incredible shift in my day-to-day life in the last few months. It used to be that I could come home from work or school and dress or not dress and it wouldn't matter either way. That has all changed, however. Now I am showered and changed as soon as I get home without fail. It's not even a matter of it being enjoyable anymore...it just feels so much more, for lack of a better word, normal. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm dressed wrong when I'm in guy mode and the urge to get myself out of my apartment is stronger than ever. I find myself finding ways to get out wearing female clothing, but making that last step out completely presenting as female hasn't happened yet and I really don't know why.

Today, for example, I needed to make a trip to Walmart to pick up a few random things. I wrote a post some time ago about making a trip to the store late at night dressed in a somewhat androgynous manner, and that was something that pushed my limits a lot. This, however, was in the middle of the day and the only thing I changed was my shoes (from flats to chuck taylors, which can go either way) and headed out the door. I walked right in, didn't worry about who I saw or who saw me, didn't get any weird looks, got what I needed and headed home.

The bottom line is, I've gotten to a point where I spend more time dressed than not, and while it feels normal and right, it's also quite confusing. I feel like I've reached a very big crossroads and I have a feeling that I'm going to have to start making some very real decisions in the near future. There's not really a question anywhere in this post, more of me just venting out my feelings as per my usual, and, as always, thanks for being here and suffering through my overlong posts.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Kylie, take things at your own pace, sweety!

[KellyJameson]

Very nicely worded KylieQ. That was how it was for me when I first started, I finally felt normal. For myself I wish it had not been so because of the difficulties that awareness presented but I'm still glad that the Genie is out of the bottle, it is not an easy road to travel so take extra good care of yourself.

[carhill2mn]

I, like you, spend much more time as my femme self than as my male self. I am curious as to what decisions you think that you will soon have to make. My decisions are usually based around what shall I wear today.

[KylieQ]

There are quite a few things that come to mind right away, and they're all related to the way this has been going for me for the vast majority of my life. I've been thinking quite a lot lately about consulting a therapist in an attempt to shed some real light on where I stand in terms of my mental and emotional state. Then there's this feeling that I have been having that I NEED to tell someone because I've been planted so far in the back of the closet for so long and being so secretive is quite literally driving me crazy. And finally, at least for now, is the need that I have to step out of the closet and start living my life where it belongs, out in the world. Part of why I haven't yet is just simple fear, another part is just never having the funds to really feel like I could properly put myself together (thankfully that's been remedied), and the third part is my personal body image, which is something that I've successfully been working on fixing. There are more but I think that'll do for now.

[HollyH20]

You'll know when it is the right time, and money, weight, etc won't matter, eventually you'll feel like a woman 24/7 and dress accordingly, we all have that moment at some point