Does your SO feel "trapped"?

[GingerLeigh]

I told my wife about my crossdressing. There was no fighting, crying, or accusations of deception. Just quiet acceptance. Despite occasionally allowing me the time to do it, she seldom wants to talk about it. When we do I get the impression she feels trapped and must accept it despite her fears. She lets me do it because it's important to me, even though I think it tears her up inside. I know it creeps her out.

I don't want her to feel trapped. It makes me sad to think she feels this way, it says "I'm stuck with weirdo". Will time smooth it over or could it fester into something uglier later? She is the love of my life and everything to me. I would be devastated if this damages our relationship or worse.

Any advice? What has been your experience?

[Jacqueline Winona]

Short answer is I hope not! This isn't my wife's favorite thing about me either. But now is the time for you to show her you're the same person, maybe even better- words only go so far, so do it today. Step up at home and do more of the work for her, challenge yourself to get all your outside chores and whatever else you have always done faster,take her out and show her off to the world, letting everyone know she is yours, treat her like the woman you adore even more now. She will notice your effort, regardless of what else is going on with you.

[darla_g]

I think basically it is a matter of acceptance. if your SO loves you and accepts you and then comes to realize it is part of who you are then most SOs will be ok with it. just my opinion

[Karren H]

Definitely........ When she found out my secret.... she was pulled into a closet with me.... Or an adjacent one......

[Laura912]

It seems that the answer lies in your middle paragraph and the last two sentences. If they are true, then you may need to make some sacrifices with fewer times at home to dress. For example, one of the discussion group members only dresses when traveling. You have a butterfly resting on your hand. Let it settle in. Don't rush things or you may kill the butterfly. With a lot of patience you may be able to pet the butterfly. For over fifty years, dressing, for me, was only during travel and when my spouse was away. Now, I could even if she was home...but I still don't just to keep things on an even keel. She even made the joke two days ago that we could shop for hers and hers outfits. Go slowly. Also, good advice by Janice. GingerLeigh could be perceived by your wife as competition. Your wife needs to be the number one woman in your family.
Laura

[sonna]

Definitely........ When she found out my secret.... she was pulled into a closet with me.... Or an adjacent one......

simply put...........yep!

[BRANDYJ]

I told my wife about my crossdressing. There was no fighting, crying, or accusations of deception. Just quiet acceptance. Despite occasionally allowing me the time to do it, she seldom wants to talk about it. When we do I get the impression she feels trapped and must accept it despite her fears. She lets me do it because it's important to me, even though I think it tears her up inside. I know it creeps her out.

I don't want her to feel trapped. It makes me sad to think she feels this way, it says "I'm stuck with weirdo". Will time smooth it over or could it fester into something uglier later? She is the love of my life and everything to me. I would be devastated if this damages our relationship or worse.

Any advice? What has been your experience?

My thoughts are to let her decide when to talk about it. My guess is you are so anxious for her to tell you how she feels, that you constantly ask or hint to her that you want to talk more about it. You want her to be not only accepting, you want to be sure she is really OK with it and perhaps participate on some level. So as often said in many other threads, go at her pace and don't push the talking about it. Go slow! I can understand you not being sure she does or does not accept your dressing. I can understand you wanting her to open up and talk more about it. I can also understand how you might feel that she might feel trapped. So my advice would be to never bring up the subject at all. Let her bring it up when she is comfortable, ready or has reason to ask you more about it. I'd also do what Janice suggested. Be more considerate, helpful around the house, more giving, more interested in things she likes. Show her how much you care about her and that love her. Words only go so far, action speaks volumes.
I'd also ask her to join this site and the FAB section of our forum. I'm sure it would enlighten her to find she is not alone with whatever feelings she has. It was this same feeling of not knowing exactly where my SO stood that made me set boundariesndraies to the extent that I later found out where not necessary. My fear of how accepting she really was, and comfort level my wife at the time had with it all. Most of my my fears were in my own head concerning her feelings.

[Jenniferathome]

Yes,you HAVE TO talk about it. Ignoring the truth will only lead to resentment or worse. It's hard to talk about this sometimes. Get an objective third party to help engage the two of you. It will help.

[suchacutie]

This is not my experience. My wife is completely curious about the person inside of me who is feminine. My wife named her (Tina), bought Tina much of her first clothes, is Tina's fashion consultant, is Tina's psychological consultant, and is Tina's mentor about all things feminine.

What does my wife get out of this? Well, probably a satisfaction of learning who the devil I am (just as I am learning who I am), but on a very functional side her husband is now incredibly sensitive to her and her femininity! Her husband now understands her incredibly well, and better every day, and it covers the gamut from the details of simply getting ready to go out to dinner, to understanding when she wants her man to solve a problem vs. when she wants her girlfriend to help her "bXXch" about a problem. She's confident that I now know what it was like for her growing up and am sympathetic to those foibles of growing up as a girl. Likewise she is much better informed of what it is like to grow up as a boy.

Tina has brought us closer in so many ways. I hardly think trapped is the situation since the other day she called Tina "sweet" and on Saturday said, "do you think Tina can come to visit tomorrow?".

As has been said already, please bring your wife here to the FAB section and let the wonderful GGs there help her to understand all the positives that can come out of a transgendered husband!

[AnnaHeart]

I'm scared because I think it will be quite sometime before I can tell my SO about Anna. I'm hoping I can get up the courage to do so soon.

[retrofitme]

Your intuition with your wife is probably correct - she is feeling trapped. It may seem like splitting hairs, but I think your wife is tolerant of the situation, not accepting (yet).

You obviously love her and are in tune with her - that's good! Many of us get lost in the pink fog and forget that our SO is more important than dressing. She probably has lots of questions, concerns, fears, etc. I think it is up to you to work to address her fears and work out the issues that have arisen. I think the key to CDing and relationships is to keep things in perspective.

[GingerLeigh]

I'm scared because I think it will be quite sometime before I can tell my SO about Anna. I'm hoping I can get up the courage to do so soon.

Hello AnnaHeart,
I am by no means advocating telling. Although telling was right for us, I would never advise ANYONE to do the same. That kind of advice can be absolutely ruinous to a relationship. Telling or not telling is a choice, nothing more. You must do what is right for your SO, your family, and YOU! Don't think that you're rotten for keeping to yourself, you're not. Don't let anyone (even you) beat you up over it.

As for the courage...Courage comes with self acceptance, and self acceptance comes with enlightenment. You cannot expect anyone to accept that which you do not. So sit back, relax, educate yourself and decide when the time is right to tell, if ever.

[Kathi Lake]

Yes, I am sadly sure my wife does feel that way - not that she is trapped in a marriage with me, but trapped in a life that she did not necessarily understand and/or accept. I believe she wants to be married to me as much as I certainly want to be with her, but I do think she is trapped in the sense that she feels that she has to try to accept something she does not understand, does not agree with, and does not want. As a woman and a wife, however, she wants so much to love her husband and be a source of strength and support, but probably feels that by blindly supporting "that thing I do" that she would, in effect, be giving up some of herself in the process.

It's sad that in in trying to be who we are that we cause others pain. I know that I have hurt my wife greatly, and my heart aches for her. Here is a woman that is trying to love me, and constantly sees reminders that I'm not the "normal" man that she wants, and thought she had - shaved legs in the colder months, and other hair removal - and she is expected to just smile? So basically in order for me to "win" she must "lose." That really, really sucks.

And, speaking of the "one must decrease in order for the other to increase" model, here's another way I have hurt my wife, and trapped her in this thing that we here tend to do; Sometimes I will say something on here that makes it sound as if I were the most feminine one in our relationship (totally BS, by the way!), as if that made me better than others by virtue of being the better "woman." Basically, I still go back to the typical male, "Oh yeah? I can top that!" game. Sad.

So, do we trap our wives? Yes. Some of us do. God willing, we make that place a place where they still want to be. This marriage is one "trap" I never want to get out of.

Kathi

[Darla]

I know that my wife has used that exact same term when describing how she feels some days. I feel like it might be more than just my crossdressing that does it, it includes all sorts of issues, career, kids, income. I know the crossdressing plays a part and one thing most difficult to understand and comes to terms with. But being in therapy helps, as it gives us both an opportunity to have our voices be heard with less judgement and more conscious understanding of the patterns that lead us to despair. Sometimes trapped is where we feel prior to making that drastic break that frees us from everything that we thought we couldn't change, but in our case I really hope that doesn't involve going our separate ways.

In any case - there's something she can do about it - talk. And find out a way to not be trapped. Maybe it's more than just the crossdressing- maybe its her life. Help her out - that's what the tut basis of a marriage is about. I will always help my wife out. Even though she's totally against my dressing, she's trying, as am I. If you try to help your partner feel less trapped, I bet there'll be reciprocation.

Good luck!

[DonnaT]

Probably. She's threatened to leave more than once.

[WifeofWrenchette]

I think basically it is a matter of acceptance. if your SO loves you and accepts you and then comes to realize it is part of who you are then most SOs will be ok with it. just my opinion

Very much so Darla. I have accepted that it is part of my SO and I wouldn't want him any other way. It's not something he can stop doing or being so I have accepted it. Not only that, but embraced the cross dressing. I think the FAB section here helped me a lot with acceptance and you ladies perspectives on things has helped immensely too.

[J'lyn GG]

Yes, I am sadly sure my wife does feel that way - not that she is trapped in a marriage with me, but trapped in a life that she did not necessarily understand and/or accept. I believe she wants to be married to me as much as I certainly want to be with her, but I do think she is trapped in the sense that she feels that she has to try to accept something she does not understand, does not agree with, and does not want. As a woman and a wife, however, she wants so much to love her husband and be a source of strength and support, but probably feels that by blindly supporting "that thing I do" that she would, in effect, be giving up some of herself in the process.

This pretty much sums it up for me. I love my husband more than anything. I could survive without him, but I don't want to. But, I do feel forced to try to accept something I don't think I can. Does that mean I will leave my husband? No. I guess we will just have to figure it out as we go. I will love my husband always, even if he never stops cding. I, however, need to talk about the cding. And I never stop telling him what my feelings are.

[kristinacd55]

Does she have an outlet? Is she on this forum? The best thing I did was telling her to get on here, and also in my case letting my sister in law know which in turn became telling my daughters...etc...etc.
I'm sure she needs an outlet to let her feelings known, that's my advice.

[Janelle_C]

My wife has known about my CDing most of our marriage but I down played it a lot. Now 30 years later I want more to figure out my feelings and to dress a lot more of the time and my be even go out dressed. She is a little scared becouse she doesn't know where this is going. She dosn't know how she feels about going out with me and that hurts a little. She has always been supportive so I have to slow down a little for her. I love her more than anything and don't want to loss her even though she says don't worry, I worry. Shy

[prettytoes]

My wife prefers to not be involved, but she is Ok with my dressing. I do not wear skirts or dresses in front of her, but I do keep my toenails painted, wear nighties to bed, I wear panties 24/7, and lounge around in yoga pants and capris. I wear sports bras when I work out, and they go in the wash with everything else. Nothing is hidden anymore.
She has gotten more comfortable with this, but I'm sure she would prefer that it was not this way. She has commented on how much happier I have been, and she knows it's because I can now enjoy my girly side without having to hide anymore.
I wouldn't say she feels trapped, but I know she would prefer I wasn't a CDer. It seems to get better as time goes by. She only found out about a year ago.

[jillleanne]

Definitely........ When she found out my secret.... she was pulled into a closet with me.... Or an adjacent one......

Just the opposite here. It simply opened up a world unknown to her prior to meeting me, and she took it with open arms. Her only negative comment at any point up to now, would be if I were to transition, she would have a problem with that in our relationship, understandbly, otherwise, she accepts me unconditionally knowing the man she met some 12 years ago is still with her, just enhanced and no matter what I look like, she still sees a man in there somewhere. We do everything together regardless if I am en femme or not. She pushes me most days to be who I need to be that day. She insists I stay smooth and she epilates the hard to reach spots for example.

[Dana7]

Go slowly...Your wife needs to be the number one woman in your family. Laura

I couldn't have said it better myself. I've found that the SO is not very accepting of certain things, and quite accepting of others. Every woman is different. Let her express how she feels, and it is not against the rules to ask her how she feels--just be prepared in case it happens to be something you don't want to hear. I find that women put up with a lot more than they really care for because they are willing to sacrifice themselves and their feelings. So honor that sacrifice; let her know you appreciate it when she does give you patience and definitely be deliberate with your demonstrations of love and affection towards her. Your most important woman is not the one you see in the mirror, but the one who sees you and loves you and accepts you in spite of your quirks.

[GingerLeigh]

Wonderful responses! Actually there were even a couple of them that brought a tear to my eye they hit so close to home. As for my wife, I know the crossdressing scares her. She has not asked questions because she fears my answers. She has not set boundaries because she fears I'll push them. The only questions she asks is "why?" and "do you want to become a woman?" She shudders and tends to look away when I do dress.

She knows I love her deeply and because she is still with me and "tolerates" my activities I know she truly loves me. I guess that's one positive aspect of the whole telling issue. If she stays and continues to profess her love, you know it's genuine and unconditional. She allows it (but would rather I did not) because she knows I cannot help it, and she stays because I am still the man she married. We have a great, loving, functional relationship.

I have been feeling a little off center since I told her. I never really been able to put my finger on why until recently. She didn't panic or throw me out so I thought I should feel a sense of relief and happiness after telling her. Instead I've let her down and that hurts. I love her so much, knowing I caused any kind of pain really really really sucks. She's stronger than me and for that I'm truly grateful.

[Noortje]

You need to open the lines of communication, and fast. You say she accepts it, but if she did, she would not have as much of a problem with talking about it. It is a good idea to get some counseling, or at least read some books about it together. No good can ever come from not discussing something in a relationship.

If she is afraid to talk about certain topics, then start with something she is not afraid to talk about, however small it is. If the crossdressing does not damage the relationship, the not talking about it certainly will. Almost every relationship takes damage from crossdressing. However, if both partners are willing to make an effort, the damage does not have to be fatal. It is possible to overcome this, but only together.

Maybe a good place to start is to gently start discussing why she is unwilling to talk. Emphasise that talking about her fears is important to the relationship.

[cindi cinnamon]

I don't get the feeling that she feels trapped..... she doesn't seem to be "PUT OFF" when I dress..... She thinks I'm kinda cute..... a little weird perhaps, but definitely "CUTE"...... I love her SOOOOOOOOO much.