Fear. What exactly is it? What is it about fear that can often control our own actions? Why, when I want to tell everyone in my world that I am a transsexual it becomes difficult and I just want to cower in a corner until it goes away. I learned long ago, the only way to conquer fear is to face it. When it comes to coming out, it needs to be faced every time I need to tell someone new.
I conquered this fear a few times already in my past and I just did it again on Monday, twice in fact. The first of the day was my mother. This was tough for me because the last thing I want to do is cause her to needlessly worry. Okay, so maybe her worries are not so needless. Still she should enjoy this time of her life and not have to be knee deep in family drama.
Monday was actually a nice day for the middle of February. The morning was chilly, but the sun was out and warmed things up a bit. I met my mother at her house. I told her I would be coming up to see her. She had planned not to linger at church so she could be home to meet me. She enjoys her time with her kids and always makes time when we are around. However, she had no idea what I was about to unload on her. I of course felt guilty.
The ride to my mom’s is about 45 minutes. This gave me plenty of time to think about the conversation. Heck, it is not like I haven’t thought about it already, but I just like to run the multitude of scenarios in my head. I was never good at responding on the spot so I like to have preplanned responses.
When I arrived I took my time getting out of the car. I could tell it was the fear in my dulling my senses and slowing me down. The walk up the path to the front door was like a walk to the electric chair. I couldn’t understand why I was so apprehensive. I was fairly confident my mother would be just fine and want to support me in any way she can. But still I didn’t want to go, I wanted to turn around. I had to force each step out of me putting one foot in front of the other. I finally made it to the door. I knocked and at the same time I used my key, secretly hoping she wasn’t home yet.
She opened the door before I got the key into the keyhole. She had a big smile on her face which spread to my face and I smiled back at her giving her a hug and a kiss. We exchanged pleasantries and I then excused myself to the bathroom. Was that more procrastinating or an honest urge to go. I may never know. When I was done I met her in the kitchen and we talked.
“So mom, I guess you have been wondering why I have been appearing more feminine and dressing in feminine styles?”
“Who hasn’t?” she asked with a smile.
“Well it’s because I am a girl and have been dealing with gender identity issues for quite some time.”
She laughed and I smiled saying “Well, I prefer the laugh over crying.”
She replies “I don’t care what you are, you are my son and I love you and I am here for you.”
“Well, that is just it mom, I am your daughter.”
She looked puzzled for a minute and then just smiled and gave me a huge hug. I cried. She hugged me more.
Our conversation pursued with her assuring me that she is there for me. She did not ask very many questions and I only offered a very limited scope. When I told her it has been going on since I was 15 she said “Wow, I would have never guessed. Well, you were always a handsome boy, but you’re an ugly girl, you are going to have to do something about that nose.” I laughed, it felt good that she is still herself and saying what comes to mind without filtering it.
We left the house together to get lunch at Panera. We talked some more about this topic and about a good many things. It was nice just to sit and talk with my mother and it was nicer still to open up and tell her about the very thing that haunted me for so many years. Everyone I tell is another demon dispelled from me. At this point almost everyone in my immediate family knows with the exception of my sister who lives some distance away. I will have to call her and tell her over the phone. Everyone else I spoke to in person, this will be different for me.
After lunch we went back to my mom’s place and we sat and talked some more. I then had a call from a friend who I was supposed to meet with that same day while I was going to be in town. I told him I was at my mom’s so he offered to come by as he wanted to say hello to my mother whom he has not seen in some time.
When he arrived we discussed our business while my mother was doing some stuff on her computer. Our business was brief. I was helping him out with something as he was starting up a frozen dessert shop. When he left he suggested I come by and see it, so I told him I would be there within the hour.
I sat with my mother a little longer. Seeing that she was fairing much better than I thought, much better than me in fact, I decided to leave. I called my friend to tell him I was on my way over. I called both my brother and then my sister as well to tell them I spoke to our mother and she now knows and perhaps they should call her to check in on her. They agreed.
I met my friend Mike at his shop which was still in the construction stage. He showed me around and we discussed some things about the design. He had several calls during our conversation and one which he needed to leave to take care of. He started to close out our conversation, but before he did I told him there was something I wanted to talk to him about.
Okay, so at this point my entire body is on autopilot. I have absolutely no control. I cannot stop talking, or run or even cover my mouth with my hand. I felt like a puppet on a string. Mike is one of my oldest friends. I knew him since high school and we have been through a lot together. I have yet to tell any of my friends about this (with the exception of a work friend who does not know any of my other friends or family). I would be hurt if I lost this friendship because of this.
My lips start moving and sound comes out. It is very low in pitch and dragging as if someone slowed the playing of a tape down. “I … have … been … dealing … with … gender … identity … issues … for … some … time … now.” There, it was said. Time resumed to move at normal speed again.
“What! Wow! Are you sure?”
“I am quite sure”
“Let me get this straight. When you say gender identity, you mean you are a woman in a man’s body.”
“Yes that is exactly right.”
“Wow! Are you sure about this?”
“Yes, I’ve been seeing a therapist for a couple of years now, he helped me to make heads or tails of all these feelings and emotions I have been feeling for years.”
“Well Tom, you need to do what will make you happy. And you only need to be concerned about those that are close to you and mean the most to you.”
“You mean a lot to me Mike.”
“I am here for you if you need me.”
We had a brief conversation as again he needed to be somewhere. He did not ask many questions but we did not have all that much time to really discuss it. So I left and headed home. I thought about much over the next 45 minutes. But I was relieved and happy at the same time. I accomplished a lot this day and I was feeling invincible. I was cheerful the rest of the day.
The next day my friend Mike called me up to ask me if I was planning on having surgery. He was apologetic for being brief the day before. I told him that I have not yet made that decision and it is a ways off right now. He offered some advice by talking about an experience in vanity he had and was not successful at. Basically trying to talk me out of having a surgery that I don’t even know I want yet. Well, yes I want a vagina, but at the cost of having the surgery is a tough pill to swallow. We finished that call with him offering to be available anytime I needed to talk.
He gave me something to think about however, and more importantly he showed me what a valuable friend I have. I may feel that being transsexual is curse, however, I have been truly blessed.
Whether it was Sir Francis Bacon or Franklin D Roosevelt who first said “The only thing we have to fear Is fear itself” I cannot say, but I can say that the saying holds true.
Originally Posted by abigailf
