Advice: How to Tell the Kids?

[Ariamythe]

I'm reaching a point where I'm feeling the pressure to come out to my kids. Not because I want to, necessarily, but because I have to if I'm ever going to reach a point of normalcy. I need to be myself all the time, not just on the rare weekend day where I'm not working and the kids aren't around.

The problem is, how? I have no idea what kind of scenario works here. So I was wondering what those of you who have gone through this did. What was your experience like? What are the definite do's and don'ts of this?

For the record: My kids are 9, two months away from 6, and 2. Obviously, the two-year-old is not a concern. I have also been doing small things around the kids. I have pierced my ears, which they've both noticed; they've seen me with painted nails (my toes are practically always painted); and I've been dressing more and more androgynous around them.

[Celina]

That sure is a tough one! Affraid I can't be off advice, don't have kids, but hopefully others will throw in some of their fantastic advice! Wishing you the best!

[Angela Campbell]

My kids are all grown up. Youngest is 23 oldest is 33. All were pretty ok with it except for my son - the oldest. I didn't really know what to do so I just told them the truth and explained what it is and why.

[Tiffanyselkoe]

My wife and I talked about it a lot before telling our kids ages 10, 12, 14,16, and 18 ( 4 boys and 1 girl). We ended up feeling it was better to tell them in a controlled setting where mom and dad could explain things and answer any questions. We also didn't want them to catch dad in a dress and freak out. The big reveal went well and the kids were all ok with things. Dad is still dad no matter what he wears. Crossdressing has become a nonissue in our house and I have even had a girlfriend from our forum come over for dinner. My advice would be to feel out how you think the kids may react and for you and your wife to be in agreement on telling the kids. Best wishes, Tiffany

[MatildaJ.]

Are you going to come out to the rest of the world? Kids that age aren't going to be able to keep your secret. If you'd be upset if their teacher and classmates found out, then it's probably best not to let your kids know.

[Ariamythe]

JessM, that's a fair question. That's part of the pressure I'm feeling right now: the pressure of being more open, more public. I know that telling the kids is an irreversible step forward. It's got me conflicted.

[Ann Louise]

Hi Ariamythe, I did a few variations of a google search on the terms "transgender education for children," and came up with a large number of hits about "transgender children," of course. I thought I'd struck out, but thinking about it more, since there is apparently a lot of good psychological work being done on educating transgender children about themselves, perhaps you'd be able to glean some good ideas out of that body of material to work with your young one with. Good luck hun, Ann

[Rachelakld]

I waited until they were at an age of sexual understanding and the age where they realised school kids will be down on them for the smallest reason, so please don't mention anything to friends but....I like to wear pretty clothes

[Debglam]

My kids are older and I told them when they were (are) in their teens. I don't know how much my experience will help you but it went very well nonetheless. I am almost wondering if at your children's young ages whether you need to "tell" them anything or just start acting naturally and explain things to them as questions or concerns arise? What is "normal" is what they observe in your home as normal. Does that make sense?

[Rogina B]

This being the TS forum,I am confused as to why you are asking here. If you are serious about the need to get your kids onboard with you,that is very important. Debby gave you an easy method if being yourself around them is your only goal...

[Nicole Erin]

This being the TS forum,I am confused as to why you are asking here.

Rogina has a point. Usually when people want to know how to tell their kids they are TS, they don't ask in a TS forum. They usually seek out forums where Grand Prix owners talk about engine modifications.

[Angela Campbell]

Are you going to come out to the rest of the world? Kids that age aren't going to be able to keep your secret. If you'd be upset if their teacher and classmates found out, then it's probably best not to let your kids know.

I would have to think that with transition the world will know eventually no matter what. That is the point of transition.

[Rogina B]

Rogina has a point. Usually when people want to know how to tell their kids they are TS, they don't ask in a TS forum. They usually seek out forums where Grand Prix owners talk about engine modifications.

Hey Hot Legs ,She never mentions a thing about transitioning...

[Angela Campbell]

When someone says "I need to be myself all the time, not just on the rare weekend day " I figure it is transition they are talking about in here...So I ask the poster is this correct? Is this a TS issue or crossdressing?

If it is transition there is no choice but to explain it to all....... if it is not transition then I am not sure what to tell you.

[Aprilrain]

I have 2 kids, now 3 and 7, i think i just sorta changed my apperance slowly over time and also just started wearing more and more feminine attire. Even before i really transition i was wearing girly PJs and nighties to bed and my 7 yo never really said much about it (he would have been 4/5 at the time) my 7 year old took some time to get used to the idea that I am a girl now. He called me dad for a while and even though I found it embarrassing in public I just let him, besides what was I going to do about it lol. Anyway he eventually started calling me April all on his own which just makes public situations much easier. My 3 year old has never really known me any other way so no big deal there.

[Ariamythe]

Rogina B & almostalady: Yes, I am transitioning. That's why I asked here. I was hoping to find any other experiences with transition and preteen children.

It will eventually be a "tell all" scenario. And I don't know that I have the luxury of waiting until they're older. My transition is progressing in such a way that waiting years to "go all the way" isn't an option.

Debglam & Aprilrain: The idea of just making slow changes over time is a good one, and I have already started with that. But theres part of me that wants to make them aware, just so that they're not caught off guard if they hear it from another source (like, say, if a friend in school asks "why does your dad look like a girl?"). Also, changes may come faster moving forward.

[FurPus63]

I've struggled with this issue. I personally don't have children, so maybe my opinion doesn't count, but I can't help but feel your children are too young to be told and/or expected to accept that "daddy" now is going to be a new "mommy". It's just too much for their young minds to grasp. I realize you will always be "dad" to your children, but how does a young kid two years old (or any child under the age of 10) grasp what you are trying to explain to them. Again, if we lived in a society that was more open-minded and understanding of this it would be so much easier. You also have to take into consideration the fact that if/when the peers of your children get wind of this; they are going to have a field day with your kids. Children can be so cruel to each other. As a victim of being abused verbally, emotionally and physically by my peers as a child; I can't help but feel the terror these kids will experience when their peers find out (and they will don't fool yourself into believing they wont).

I don't know. Again, they are your children not mine. Obviously this is an issue that needs to be discussed with your wife and a good topic for your therapist as well. What's wrong with waiting 10 years to transition so your kids are old enough to handle this so much better? If you're not ready for full-time transition, then why put them through it all? I know it's hard. My desire to be a woman before I transitioned was so overwhelming. The obsessive thoughts and feelings were unbearable! I don't want you to feel uncomfortable in your skin, but at the same time, you might have to. For the sake of the children.

Paulette

[Rogina B]

Every household operates differently,so it is impossible to add much.If you are an actively participating parent,then you aren't isolated from other "observing" parents whose kids go to school with yours as well as teachers and school faculty. And if your kids have kids over to your house,they will "observe" you as well. Perhaps no one will even mention a thing,maybe someone will immediately. I think your kids are too young to be schooled in how to handle any comments or questions about you from other kids or their parents,so I would wait on that and continue making your visual changes over time. Name change will be the game changer in my opinion.

[Alex R]

Came across this on Huffington Post; it may be helpful

[Aprilrain]

The younger your children are the better. Like I said my 3 year old has bad no problem with my transition whereas my 7 year old needed some time to adjust. Now he'd rather live with me than his mother. The inevitable divorce will likely be harder on the kids than your transition and kids survive that all the time. Kids are much more resilient than adults give them credit for.

[Ariamythe]

What's wrong with waiting 10 years to transition so your kids are old enough to handle this so much better?

I've got to admit, I am taken aback by this question. 10 more years? Sure, what's another decade of my mental health, right? I know you offered the suggestion sincerely, but I'm still surprised to see such a suggestion on this forum.

FWIW, I've already dodged this for 20 years. The result was a suicide attempt and a stay in a mental health ward. I will not survive another decade.

It's just too much for their young minds to grasp. I realize you will always be "dad" to your children, but how does a young kid two years old (or any child under the age of 10) grasp what you are trying to explain to them.

There are plenty of stories out there about children understanding transition when it happens. A child under 5 may struggle, but once they hit their school years, the concept of transgender isn't so difficult.

[Rachel Mari]

I think children are much more resilient, adaptable and understanding than we give them credit for sometimes.

I know the ages are much different (35, 17, 11 at the time), but I just wanted you to know my experience with it and that it's a very scary act to initiate. Feels like this huge gamble with their mental health and well being, but I think it has worked out for us.

When I was trying to decide how and when to tell my children, struggled with it. My wife didn't want me to tell them at all, not until they were out of the house because she felt it would cause them nothing but hardship and it was selfish for me to want to tell them at all.
I finally convinced her to go with me to a therapist who has experience with this exact situation. It took two visits for my wife to feel comfortable with the kids being told. One concern of when was whether to tell them before or after Christmas, she didn't want to ruin their holiday. The therapist thought it would be best to tell them as far in advance before Christmas as was reasonable (at this point Christmas was six weeks away). She also said to tell them as much as I thought they could understand and answer any and all questions. Also let them know they could talk to either one of us or someone else if need be, in another words, try to give them resources.

The main thing was to reassure them that our love for them won't change, we'll always be there for them and that things will be okay. Also that none of this is their fault; Me being the way I am and my wife's and I eventual divorce (divorce hasn't happened yet).

So, my daughter was 11 when I told her, she had a tear in her eye because she felt sad for me for having to hide it before (geez, am I lucky or what). It's been 10 months and she's fine with me (gives me clothes advice sometimes) but she's not ready for her friends to see me just yet because she doesn't want them to feel uncomfortable. Both my therapist and endo think that'll change with time.

P.S.
I was so worried about telling my oldest son (he's married and has a 2 year old daughter) but the first words out of his mouth after telling him was 'Ah, well, we'll love you either way' and then gave me a hug. One question later was if this meant I liked guys now (his said it very nicely and with a smile).

[ReineD]

I don't want to duplicate posts, but I found a great resource that you can download here:

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/...=1#post3296493

[Ariamythe]

Thanks, ReineD. That looks like a useful resource. I may get my Ex to read it as well, since she'll probably be fielding some of those questions.

[Chickhe]

Don't tell them. Just do it. It is all attitude and how you sell it to them. You want them to enjoy it and you want to feel proud. For practical reasons you might want to use mainstream words to describe it, such as cosplay or a costume... Dress up on Halloween and this will remove the shock factor... later on maybe just do it a little more often, but explain nothing about why you do it or how it makes you feel. ...I don't think this works if you are going full time though...I am talking about CDing as if it was any other activity you enjoy.