This might be a very dumb question but... (long post sorry)

[Becoming Brianna]

Are things such as confusion, questioning, a rudderless sense of no direction, violent mood swings, backsliding, etc. normal on the path to self acceptance and discovery of one's true self\identity? Does experiencing these things mean that one is not TS? I am not one of those who "knew instantly that I was a girl," I just always felt different... Something was wrong\off, and I could never put my finger on what... I enjoyed playing sports but often shied away from rough and tumble stuff, and was fairly often seized by an extreme desire to go play with the girls at recess during elementary school, but it was something I always shook off because I was afraid and my social conditioning would not allow me to do such things... This spread to things like makeup\clothing etc. But I was always ashamed of having the desire to do these things and felt like a deviant... As a result I rarely explored these issues until recently... During puberty I had times where I was begging to become a female, even considering drastic measures to do it, and was almost always depressed\unhappy even suicidal but I could never put my finger on the specific reason... I always felt like it was a confluence of things, but even as I repressed these identity questions I knew they were still there... I have fought (and am still fighting to some degree) to be the son that my parents thought they had, but it is very hard for me to keep it up sometimes... Even though my desire to conform is strong, there is an equally strong desire to express the real me (whatever that may be I am still trying to work through it)... Now in college after years of repression I am beginning to explore this issue more fully... I am in therapy and have been talking to my parents and some carefully chosen friends (I am out to very few people) but I have up days where I am confident and fairly certain of who I am and down days (like today) where I feel like I have no clue and no direction... These days turn me from someone who is newly discovering self confidence to a crying mess... Some days I feel like I can make it as a male, others I feel like I should have started transition years ago... I am dealing with a lot of internal conflict right now and it is very difficult for me to concentrate on my schoolwork (something that was easy for me during repression cycles)... In short, I am a mess... Nothing brings any sort of lasting peace to me... But are these conflicting thoughts and feelings normal? And what should I do about them? How can I develop the mental toughness that is necessary for me to stand tall in the face of the near sure ridicule that I will face if I transition? Also, I can't really go into any deep exploration beyond therapy until after I graduate... Sorry for the long post, I've just got a lot on my mind today...

[Nicole Erin]

You need to start living as you need to in order to be happy.
We have one member of this forum who is known for telling people they are a fake or not TS because of this or that.
Pay such people no attention.

Now we are talking a long way down the road here but when you do get to a point where you can accept yourself and live as you need to, it is more peaceful. I am to the point where i care less if people think i am a man or woman. If they see me one day looking horrid and the next day see me dolled up, so be it. I don't pass that great and it is pointless to even worry about it.

Yeah you go thru all the emotions. Also, people always say "I wish I started sooner" but for the case of TS, unless they are one of the lucky ones with accepting parents and get to start transition when they are 12, we just have to do the best we can with what we have.

I think ultimately, the best path for someone wanting to transition is to NOT do dumb things like getting married and having kids. Cause they you have to deal with some woman's BS cause of you being TS, and then it is more years of misery.

But yeah, once you do achieve self-acceptance, all the worry about "do I pass?" or "should I live this way?" pretty much goes away. It took me years to get to that point. When i finally divorced was when I finally decided, "Hell with it, I am gonna live as i want"

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Hi Brianna,

I think you know the answer to your question. All those things in your first sentence are simply reflections of the difficulties around living as a male and contemplating the very wrenching process of a potential transition.
People experience this differently, and some folks feel worse than you , others seem to be able to accept themselves quickly and without an issue...i think the biggest difference in all of us revolves around whether we feel ashamed of our situation..

I know i felt that way....its an insidious and damaging feeling.. people like to tell me "dont be ashamed, you have nothing to be ashamed about"...but it doesn't work that way..
it doesnt just go away, shame is a vicious circle...feeling ashamed of feeling ashamed is common...it takes time and alot courage to face up to the very issue that makes you have the worst feeling in the world (being ashamed of yourself..feeling like you are a bad person)

FWIW
you seem to be doing all the right things. there is no rule that says you must transition. take it day by day and step by step...consider your long term, but focus and live in the present....start electrolysis or laser, express yourself when you can and see what that feels like...it's a process, and there are many many ts people that have made it work...

it sounds like you have some support in place, and loving parents.. that is a grand slam home run..alot of folks don't have that...one thing you can do for them is to stay OK, to show them that you can thrive in this difficult situation..if you can do that, you are helping yourself too.. if you feel you need to get your education first, then by all means do it, but it you are truly a mess as you say, a "good" education may be difficult to achieve. If you do little things to grow as a woman (despite your life as a man), and you prove to your loved ones that you will be OK...it may give you just the boost you need to get through school in a good way...

[Becoming Brianna]

Thank you so much for your replies... Nicole, your opening sentence really resonates with me. I have thought this many times... I often feel a need to stop thinking and talking and just start doing, but I must admit that at times the thought of embarking on this journey which is so long and so weighty scares the crap out of me, but I feel that I am fast reaching a point where, like you, I will say "to heck with it all I need to start pursuing what makes me happy." My parents have even said the same thing. that it is my life and I need to "be a little selfish sometimes" in order to achieve happiness. I admit that sometimes their messages have been mixed (for instance they are not ready to actually meet Brianna), but because this is such a hard thing for a parent to hear that their son my actually be their daughter I am taking a very understanding and patient approach (or at lest I am trying to)... Sometimes I feel like I'm moving way too fast Other times, not fast enough... I also agree with your advice regarding marriage and children... While both are something I desire one day (I have looked into the prospect of sperm storage pre-transition) they are no longer something that I am actively pursuing... I want to be sure of who I am before I bring others into my life out of fairness both to them and to myself... I hope that I will one day reach your level of peace and self-acceptance... It has taken me years to even get to this point, so I think I will have to learn to be patient with myself as well... Passing is not the be all end all for me, but it is something I desire because I want things to be as easy as possible for everyone...

Michelle, your reply gives me a great deal of hope and confidence... It is so comforting for me to hear from someone else that I am on a constructive path (something I believe to be true but sometimes doubt for whatever reason)... I can't tell you how many times I have heard "don't be ashamed" "it's okay" and "we're here for you" from my parents (especially my mother) and my supportive friends, but you are absolutely right that it is not so easy for that to transfer to the person being spoken to... Your point that nothing says that I must transition is also well-taken and is a point that my parents have been trying to impress on me (probably because they don't want to lose their son but also because they don't want my life to be hard and to face stigma)... My mom has told me (quite correctly may I add) that there are "different shades of male" some are the stereotypical macho type, while others are more sensitive and tend to defer to others which is more my personality type... I may very well fit into one of those categories, but it is tough to reconcile that with the feelings of profound hatred of my male body and depression at the thought of being male by which I am fairly often seized... I think you are right that deep down I know the answer and understand my truth, but it will be a long process to accept that truth and myself... I will do what I can to express myself, but the expense of electrolysis may be off-putting to my parents, so that could be a no-go for now since I can't afford it myself... I will bring the issue up to them sometime in the near future and see how they react, but you are right that this is a process by which I will learn nothing if I do not experience things... I really should have said this at the beginning of my post, but the support my parents and friends have given me, while not of the absolutely 100% go forth and do it variety especially on the part of my parents (and understandably so) has been more than I could have hoped for... They didn't throw me out, they didn't disown me, they didn't tell me that they hated me and that I was not their child, they didn't yell at me (well, my dad did a little bit at first but his reaction has improved somewhat since I first told him that I was having these issues back in November still a lot of the mixed messages I am hearing are coming from him)... But they did ask me to take a very slow and measured approach (their roof, their rules and I was fine with that, but I did not realize that it had to be THIS slow) Though I suppose it is okay because I am still wrestling with self-doubt not so much on whether I should have been a woman, but on whether I can actually complete a full transition my mother especially questions whether I am mentally tough enough to handle this because she knows how sensitive I am to criticism and how much I want other people to like me and not be hurt by me)... I really do think that the best way for me to prove that I will be okay for the time being is to do as you have told me to find small and subtle ways to express my identity while pulling through on my education... Without a degree, it will be very difficult for me to finance what I need to live a full and authentic life if I find that transition is right for me However, I no longer demand straight A's and perfection like I did before... With all of this weighing on me I just have to do my best and pass... That's really about all I can expect out of myself right now...

Again, thank you both for your replies...

Brianna

[Stephenie S]

Dear Becoming,

I agree with the above posts. You seem to be doing all the right things already. Keep up the good work, and keep up your spirits. It only gets better.

S

[Becoming Brianna]

Thanks Stephanie! I will do so...

[Beth-Lock]

Are things such as confusion, questioning, a rudderless sense of no direction, violent mood swings, backsliding, etc. normal on the path to self acceptance and discovery of one's true self\identity?

Yes and you can add, depression.

(But I should have added that there are a lot of joys and a lot to be gained by living in a role that suits one's nature better. It is just that in the long run, there are a lot of difficulties to get through.)

[Becoming Brianna]

Yes and you can add, depression.

You're right. I should have.

[Becoming Brianna]

ValRom,

Thank you for your reply... I feel the same way about trying to "be sure" and "resolve everything" before taking any step... It is something that my parents have urged ever since I first told them about my identity issues... I want to take the more experiential approach and this is a slight point of contact between my parents and me (I say slight because I have not been overly insistent on anything since I really am not the assertive type and prefer to avoid conflict... In fact because of this desire to avoid conflict I would not be exploring these issues at all if I did not feel that there was a serious need to do so)...

You're right that I seem to have painted a bleak picture of societal reaction and perception but that is simply because society has not really given me that much to hope for... In off conversation, I have heard many of my friends to whom I am not yet out say such horribly vitriolic things as "I hate trannies" It causes me great emotional pain to hear such things from people I call my friends, and I would hope that knowing someone who is going through these things would change their opinion but I am not convinced that it will... Needless to say, I often feel alone and under-appreciated when I hang out with that group... But thankfully, those I have told have been very supportive so maybe society isn't so bad and will not ridicule me as much as I fear... Your point about being childlike and experiencing things "just because" is also well taken... That is what I desire... That childlike happiness with the accepting and understanding heart that only children possess... I miss those days... No pressure to conform No one getting angry with you if you did something atypical... early childhood was probably the last time I was consistently happy (that has changed since I have been more open about my identity and myself) but even in childhood I don't think I was as happy as a child should be... The conditioning started really early in my head and I repressed a lot of things leading to pretty bad depression as I had mentioned in an earlier post... My heart was severely hardened as an adolescent as I struggled to conform, but is softening again now that I am beginning to embrace who I am...

I had read some of Anne Vitale's work (her work on the three categories of transsexuals G1 G2 and G3 had me raising my hand to my mouth and gasping several times as she seemed to describe my life up to that point a few months ago almost perfectly) and just went through a couple of Bushong's articles... Chilling... Enlightening but chilling... I think I am starting to know where I fit but the knowledge isn't exactly comforting, by contrast, it makes me shiver... Just based on my first reading of his article on gender I think I am pretty strongly female brained in nearly all aspects, but for whatever reason, this knowledge has not brought me any peace or release... I suspect this is because I still cannot fully accept that idea... Hopefully that will come with better time and understanding... Thank you for telling me about these authors... Any information I can get will help me...

Brianna

[Kristy_K]

Hi Brianna,

You talk about having to courage to face of the near sure ridicule. I thought the same but I found out that it is easier than I thought. By being my true self it is so much easier to handle life's punches and still go home happy. Not only that it is easier to be you and not what other people think you should be. For me, people loved how happy and positive I was after transitioning and friendships seem to come easier for me also.

Kristy

[Becoming Brianna]

Kristy,
Except when wracked by self-doubt and violent mood swings, I am generally more positive and optimistic since I've opened up about this... I am seeing a fundamental sea change in my personality... I am more conscious of the beauty of things around me I don't view the world in such starkly negative terms as a used to. I am more outgoing and willing to try and experience things I never would have before especially when it comes to food... I don't laugh at morbid or ironic things anymore... I have started exercising to strengthen myself both physically and mentally for the process ahead (and have lost a great deal of weight in the process)... In general I count myself happier... In general I feel like I'm making progress but I am still held by two halves one that wants to go faster and one that thinks I'm moving far too fast as is... Fortunately, no one else (except sometimes my parents) seems to think so... My relationships with the people I have told have become a lot closer... I just need to find a way to fully accept myself... I want to find a way to, as you said, "roll with life's punches and still come home happy" As I have stated previously, I hope this comes with time...

Brianna

[Julia_in_Pa]

Brianna,

You must stop the what if's if you are ever going to accept you for you and experience transition.
I along with many many others experienced ridicule during and after transition.
The key is to know that you are the only one that can move through it in order to transition successfully.
The first thing you must do is to seek out therapy.
Therapy will allow you the opportunity to explore the things that you have written here that are causing you issue.

I transitioned to avoid suicide.
If you have that sort of motivation nothing but nothing stops you from transitioning.
Let's hope that you don't get to that point and that if you find out that you are TS that you transition based on different criteria.


Julia

[Becoming Brianna]

Thank you for your reply, Julia, I completely agree... I have sought out therapy and have been going now for a few weeks... Just last week I thought that I had made great progress and was feeling very sure of myself, then I had a horrible day and felt like I understood nothing... Fortunately, however, after finally having the courage to post on this forum has given me my sense of direction back... I experience temporary flashes of peace during my interactions and already feel like I am gaining valuable understanding as I post here... I realize that I still have a long way to go and a lot of questions to answer, but at least I'm in a better place than I was before I came here... I am trying to purge all the what-ifs and doubts that I have but I know that it will take me a great deal of time in order to fully do so... This is something I often get myself hung up on and something my parents discuss with me a lot (they are worried about me being hurt by others and stigmatized for my identity and so they end up putting me through a lot of what-if scenarios but I know that it is because they care about me and don't want to see me suffer)... Although I have struggled with thoughts of suicide in the past (mostly in adolescence), I am not feeling that way now, especially since I've opened up and started being more honest about myself and my identity... Sometimes I wonder what it would be like just to be done with everything, but that is only when I feel like I am at my wit's end trying to figure everything out... I just wish all the internal conflict pain and bouts of sadness would go away but I feel confident that they will in time... I know that if I were to commit suicide then I lose the opportunity to show my authentic and true face to the world... That alone will keep (and has kept) me alive... If and when I do transition, it will be to calm my internal storms and conflict between my physical self and my mental self and it will be in order to live more authentically and live my life the way that it was meant to be lived so that the world can finally get to know the real me...

Brianna