Three months and I said it today

[Kelsy]

I had no idea what was going to happen next. I fretted, and planned, and scheduled, but I literally did not know how any of it was going to turn out.

I prepared for months before my coming out and discovered that the one thing I was not prepared for was the complete and utter rejection I received from my daughter. My son who initially was accepting has turned away as well and we no longer speak. I don't get to see my grandkids grow up and it's sad Weighing the cost and having a healthly repectful fear of losing people you love is the only sane approach. That said there then comes the decision - transition is life without it you die and you have to risk everything to live period. Unfortunately there is no other way. some are luckier than others. This is not a fools game.

Kelsy

[Badtranny]

I prepared for months before my coming out and discovered that the one thing I was not prepared for was the complete and utter rejection I received from my daughter. My son who initially was accepting has turned away as well and we no longer speak. I don't get to see my grandkids grow up and it's sad Weighing the cost and having a healthly repectful fear of losing people you love is the only sane approach.

So much of what happens to us during transition is completely out of our control. To say otherwise is foolish and naive at best, elitist and self centered at worst.

[Anne2345]

Not me! I think is is wonderful to be transsexual! I get to understand what is is like to be a man and also to be a woman. I would not want it any other way.

Johanna

I wouldn't wish my emotions, fear, needs, confusion, and all-consuming obsession with gender on my worst enemy. The constant turmoil and chaos of my thoughts consistently challenge my sanity. A wicked, brutal storm wages war within my soul. My essence is bruised, battered, and bloodied. I have cried more times than I care to count. This hurts. It hurts much. I do not want this. I do not want any of this. I just want it to stop, and I want to be somebody else. I want to wake up tomorrow morning, and discover all of this has just been a bad nightmare, and that I am otherwise "normal," whatever the hell that is. I do not understand how anybody could want this, but I am happy that it works for you . . . .

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Not me! I think is is wonderful to be transsexual! I get to understand what is is like to be a man and also to be a woman. I would not want it any other way.

Johanna

If you are actually transsexual, you do not get to understand what it is like to be a man because you are not one..

and you lose alot of chances to understand what its like to be a woman because you are not accepted as a woman for much of your life..

it's healthy and good to love yourself..but get real...

[Kathryn Martin]

I don't think that what you answered to my comment is mutually exclusive with what I said.

I also do not believe I suggested that people run head first into some adventure. I believe that losing everything is NOT a foregone conclusion,and if you believe it is then you defeat yourself. To ensure it is not a self fulfilling prophecy planning carefully and being really aware of your social environment seems to be a good start to me.

Very eloquent Kat, but I disagree with this line of reasoning. I'm also carefully managing my transition and it's been very successful so far but I owe that as much to luck as I do to anything else. It's true that we make our own luck most of the time, but there are things that could have gone differently if the stars aligned just so. I have not lost everything either, in fact I've lost nothing except a pathetic closeted existence, however I was indeed prepared to lose it all. I may not have LOST anything worthwhile but EVERYTHING changed. Life as you knew it changed almost completely for you and everyone else in your life, and to deny this just lends to the fantasy that the "transition" is just a few steps away. There ARE those who lose jobs, and friends, and family, and it's important that we acknowledge that reality as well as the potential for some casualties along the way. Everything I know about my transition today is 100% hindsight. When I started this journey two years ago I may as well have jumped into a well, because I had no idea what was going to happen next. I fretted, and planned, and scheduled, but I literally did not know how any of it was going to turn out. I find it hard to believe that you didn't have any fear of losing anything and/or everything on day two of coming out.

[Bree-asaurus]

If you are actually transsexual, you do not get to understand what it is like to be a man because you are not one..

and you lose alot of chances to understand what its like to be a woman because you are not accepted as a woman for much of your life..

it's healthy and good to love yourself..but get real...

I have to agree here... if you are transexual, you identify as the gender opposite of your physical sex... not both.

I tried my hardest to be a guy. I learned the traits, the walk, the talk, the distance from other people... but I was just playing copycat. I never knew and I will never know what it is like to be a man.

And yup... I spent 25 years of my life trying to be a guy instead of growing up like a normal girl. So there's a HUGE part of being a girl/woman that I will never have either.

[Anna Lorree]

I tried my hardest to be a guy. I learned the traits, the walk, the talk, the distance from other people... but I was just playing copycat. I never knew and I will never know what it is like to be a man.

And yup... I spent 25 years of my life trying to be a guy instead of growing up like a normal girl. So there's a HUGE part of being a girl/woman that I will never have either.

I was talking with my therapist about this a few weeks ago. It sucks because no matter what, I can't ever really fit in anywhere, except with the other "misfits" like me. I just wish I could match and get a chance to experience what "normal" feels like.

Anna

[Anna Lorree]

This is truly an interesting comment. I think we all go through this phase that we need to see a sign of affirmation that what we think about ourselves is true. It is clear, Anna, that you fear the loss of your relationship with your wife and family and are at this time still to accommodate their "needs" over your own. We do have a certain responsibility for our social environment but so do they.

For a time I hoped that someone would diagnose a "medical condition" which would alleviate me of the responsibility to stand by me. Almost like pointing a finger and saying "it's all it's fault, if it wasn't there I would be normal".

It took me 56 years to finally say "I feel fear. I recognize it but I will no longer guided by it". I was able to do that because no matter how much you love your partner and relatives if you are dead then the whole accommodation question becomes moot. I was done accommodating the world which I had done for too long and concluded that the world owed me some accommodation back. The many years of suicidal ideation driven by a wish to "end it" could be left behind and I was finally able to end my self imposed solitude and reveal who I truly was.

I also find it interesting that you describe yourself as transsexual and not as a woman in the first instance. I see much of what I experienced in your description of how you feel. I eventually reached a point where all those crutches of medical justification , the need for diagnosis etc were left behind. I knew who I was, had know for all of my life and finally stopped fretting over it.

I am one of those who did not lose her marriage, her friends and relatives altogether. I owe this to planning, caring for those around me and understanding that how I carry myself as a human being will make the difference between acceptance and rejection. It meant understanding that my journey was into the light and theirs initially into the darkness. It meant that my friends, family, clients and colleagues were worth my investing my efforts to do this right and also do it right by them. With one exception I lost no family members but recently my dad and I re-established contact, my friends are still my friends and my colleagues and clients have followed me without exception. I do not believe that being transsexual in and of itself means that you must lose everything, or even must be prepared to lose everything. That is like saying if you want to live you must be prepared to die. It's a platitude actually. What it creates so unfortunately is the resignation before the fact, and all to often the feeling that it is futile to invest yourself in maintaining your relationships because "I must be prepared to lose everything". It is in some ways the soul being lazy.

For me the point of departure to unveiling myself as the woman I was and am, was founded on reaching a point where I could truly say I am satisfied with who I have become as a human being and I like my self.

Thank you for the moral support. One of the most frightening parts of this is that, like you say, I feel like I have to be ready to "die" in order to live. I don't want to lose all of the good in my life in order to try to access some other good. That's why I always refer to this as a lose/lose situation.

Anna

[Bree-asaurus]

I was talking with my therapist about this a few weeks ago. It sucks because no matter what, I can't ever really fit in anywhere, except with the other "misfits" like me. I just wish I could match and get a chance to experience what "normal" feels like.

Anna

You will know what normal feels like. It just takes time

[JohnH]

If you are actually transsexual, you do not get to understand what it is like to be a man because you are not one..

and you lose alot of chances to understand what its like to be a woman because you are not accepted as a woman for much of your life..

it's healthy and good to love yourself..but get real...

After some thought I can't really understand how men can be like hairy apes and plain and ugly in their clothing and grooming conventions. I really hate the narrow confines of what men can do as far as clothing and grooming are concerned. I also much prefer gaining the feminine figure that women have vs. what men have. So I guess, as my wife would say, that I am not much of a man. So I will have to take back my saying that I am a man. I guess the only time I think of myself as a man is when I sing in the low male register (bass).

[AudreyTN]

So today I had a therapy session, today was three months. My therapist and I were talking today, and she asked me what I thought I was. I said that Harry Benjamin and a couple of peer reviewed psychologists seem to think I am at least some kind of a transsexual (that was followed by a small joke about being "kinda" pregnant). She asked me again what that means. And then I said it, it was kind of strangled, but I said, "I guess that means I am transsexual."

No offense, but I don't want to be transsexual. I want to be able to be a happy man. I want to be able to not throw my life in turmoil, and not hurt my family.

One of the things she said to me was, "OK, now what are you going to do about it?" She pointed out that I only have to go as far as I feel I need to. Still, this feels like a cruel trick being played on me. I have the perfect life! I have a great wife who is also my best friend, we have two great kids, a nice house, I have a good job that provides for us on one income. Why in hell would I want to go and do something like being transsexual? I could lose all of that! Sometimes I feel like Job in the Old Testament.

Then she asked what I wanted to do, how far I wanted to go. I answered honestly and told her that how far I go is going to depend on what my wife does, at least for as long as possible. If she stays, I will do as little as I can live with. If she leaves, I will go as far as feels right.

I want to match, and I don't like feeling like my body is wrong. At the same time, I don't want to lose those that I love, or the good things I have built up over half of my life. I'm tired of being yanked in both directions, I'm tired of feeling incomplete and empty, I'm tired of having to hide who I am, I'm tired of living a lie. Why do all the big decisions have to be lose/lose?

Anna

It sounds to me like you just need to take some time to yourself and figure things out. You sound very burdened and troubled, and when that happens, it's best to go find a nice long nature trail to hike, collect your thoughts, do something fun you enjoy, like photography or writing a personal journal, or whatever it may be, relax, get your mind off your troubles, breathe, meditate, or just find some form of peaceful serenity and find what it is in your life that you want for YOU.

if you're married to someone you love, obviously there is trust and compassion. If that person loves you, then they will accept you for you, and accept your decision. The best thing you can do to help them ease the shock is to be prepared to answer questions, print off some informative information so they can read about your condition and options, then discuss it with them. If they walk away, then they dont really love you for who you are inside, they're only interested in what you look like and it's all superficially based, and you deserve better than that. If she understands and loves you, she will stick by your side whatever you decide, and it may take a bit for her to come around, because I'm sure the initial shock will take some time to wear off.

be true to yourself though. if you can't be true to yourself, then you're not living for you, and you can have a wife, and kids and a house, and things and money, but it won't bring you the happiness you seek. you might be happy with those things or people, but being happy for yourself and with yourself is an entirely different thing.

Life is wonderful, crazy, terrible, cruel, miraculous, amazing, depressing and joyous vicious thing, it's a roller coaster, and it doesn't play fair, at the end of the day the only one you have to answer to is the person looking back in the mirror and the man upstairs (God). (and no I'm not saying you shouldn't be responsible to your children, house and financial obligations, because you should).

[Anna Lorree]

It sounds to me like you just need to take some time to yourself and figure things out. You sound very burdened and troubled, and when that happens, it's best to go find a nice long nature trail to hike, collect your thoughts, do something fun you enjoy, like photography or writing a personal journal, or whatever it may be, relax, get your mind off your troubles, breathe, meditate, or just find some form of peaceful serenity and find what it is in your life that you want for YOU.

if you're married to someone you love, obviously there is trust and compassion. If that person loves you, then they will accept you for you, and accept your decision. The best thing you can do to help them ease the shock is to be prepared to answer questions, print off some informative information so they can read about your condition and options, then discuss it with them. If they walk away, then they dont really love you for who you are inside, they're only interested in what you look like and it's all superficially based, and you deserve better than that. If she understands and loves you, she will stick by your side whatever you decide, and it may take a bit for her to come around, because I'm sure the initial shock will take some time to wear off.

be true to yourself though. if you can't be true to yourself, then you're not living for you, and you can have a wife, and kids and a house, and things and money, but it won't bring you the happiness you seek. you might be happy with those things or people, but being happy for yourself and with yourself is an entirely different thing.

Life is wonderful, crazy, terrible, cruel, miraculous, amazing, depressing and joyous vicious thing, it's a roller coaster, and it doesn't play fair, at the end of the day the only one you have to answer to is the person looking back in the mirror and the man upstairs (God). (and no I'm not saying you shouldn't be responsible to your children, house and financial obligations, because you should).

Thank you, you actually sum things up pretty well.

Anna

[Anna Lorree]

You will know what normal feels like. It just takes time

I so hope so...

Anna

[Debb]

I want to thank all who've participated in this discussion thus far. I've been keeping a file of notes-n-quotes to help me along this journey, and I've had to copy nearly this entire thread!

[Badtranny]

I don't think that what you answered to my comment is mutually exclusive with what I said.
I also do not believe I suggested that people run head first into some adventure. I believe that losing everything is NOT a foregone conclusion,and if you believe it is then you defeat yourself. To ensure it is not a self fulfilling prophecy planning carefully and being really aware of your social environment seems to be a good start to me.

Hmmmm, we're picking nits on this as we are very close philosophically. I'm never a proponent of expecting to fail so I think that's an important point, but I think it's equally important for someone to be aware that transitioning changes your life and for better or worse, most of those changes will be a surprise. I hate to argue with you because I respect you and pretty much agree with you except for this one little point. I just feel like your first post was unrealistically optimistic and I don't think it would serve Anna very well (or anyone else) to begin imagining that maybe transitioning isn't so risky after all. Those of us that have not suffered any major losses, job, family, spouse, need to at least acknowledge that very real possibility.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Unrealistic expectations...both positive and negative can have a magnified impact on us because we tend to have lower self esteem, and our situation has such an unfair Risk/reward ratio...

In my worst days, I spent alot of time seeking out people to help me or guide me...I met all kinds of people with all kinds of viewpoints..(btw..for the most part..people said...don't transition unless you have to)...

and in the end it was up to ME ME ME ME....and learning that it was up to ME ME ME was a very difficult thing...

I'm so delighted with the transition part of my experience, the things I lost were the things i assigned lowest priority in my transition... but i was lucky..my experience was around my particulars...i had a number of advantages that were blessings for me, especially the financial ability to get what i wanted, and more importantly small hands ..heh

Most are not so lucky and based on my personal experience with people i've actually met and got to know, I would be VERY UNCOMFORTABLE saying that things "will work out fine" to anybody embarking on transition, because in my experience, lots of times they dont..

to me that leads me to the same place that all my "mentors" were, don't transition unless you have to

...but if you have to , go for it with all the positive energy, all your wits, all your inner strength, and all your money and do your best to maximize your transitions ability to improve your quality of life...be prepared to lose everything you hold dear, but do your damnedest to keep everything you hold dear..

Learning to love yourself, and to believe that feeling like a human being is a good thing is MUCH MUCH more important than counting up your gains and losses anyway.. and if you love yourself and you fully accept that you allowed to feel like you are a person, that you are allowed to express your true self for better or worse, than you are gonna be in a better position to deal with the barrage of bad things that are going to hit you head on ..

[LeaP]

... you do not get to understand what it is like to be a man because you are not one...

I have never understood this and struggle to provide things (e.g., including to my wife) that I just don't get. Sometimes I'm thick as a brick - I never really tied some of these blind spots to gender. They have become so obvious I don't know I could have missed it.

Lea

[Kaitlyn Michele]

....I never really tied some of these blind spots to gender. They have become so obvious I don't know I could have missed it.

Lea

Lea, I said this EXACT same thing.... PLUS i crossdressed constantly for 40 years... but when i wasn't crossdressing there was a giant brick wall in my mind and i could look at a cd or ts person and i felt the same transphobia that lots of cisgender people..
THEY were THEM, and I was different than THEM

to this day, that surprises me...

i can report to you that after a year or two, outside of this forum, none of this is even a tiny factor in my life...i have masculine and feminine characteristics, i have male and female "learned" qualities, and i totally get where i fit in the world..its just strange

[Badtranny]

...but if you have to , go for it with all the positive energy, all your wits, all your inner strength, and all your money and do your best to maximize your transitions ability to improve your quality of life...be prepared to lose everything you hold dear, but do your damnedest to keep everything you hold dear..

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