This question has been weighing on my mind for the longest time.

[Loretta]

(I swear to whomever your chosen deity is, I am NOT being facetious.)

For those of you who are 50+ years old, and are considering SRS, or just realized that you liked dressing, but feel you're a bit late to the game, I have a couple of questions:

How does/did it feel, to realize that late, that either A) you were born in the wrong gender, or B) Like crossdressing for your entire life, but have to hide it from everyone, including yourself, until you got to be the age you are currently?

To me, hiding that part of myself would be the highest form of torture. To constantly live in fear of other people finding out about my secret lifestyle would be something that I could not handle. How in the name of the grilled cheese Virgin Mary did you put up with it?

I feel lucky to have been born in the era that I did, one of acceptance and change for most. I just... Can't imagine being in your shoes.

[mbmeen12]

Well am not 50 but darn close, but Ill try. Everyday to me is a new beginning. Life is what you make of it. My SO and I were in a rough patch, then we had a 2 week talk after work everyday. WOW she/I have never been so close. AS far as CDing it was very scattered from 6-8 yrs old to hiding/under dressing. Then the last two months ago I am cooking with womans clothes and going to a St Patrick's club tonight dressed (see avatar). Torture no, you take what God gives you and you feel blessed and that I do sooo much. I can probably speak for the 50 plus girlfriends. We are happy to have this technology and this forum. This was not available mid nineties for us....

[Sandra1746]

I have a saying I use often, "you have to play the hand you were dealt". It is a little mantra I use to get me through difficult situations and it works for me.

I'm 65 and now able to explore my CD/Fem side a lot more now than I was before for several reasons. Some related to job status (now retired) but some related to body changes (prostate surgery and medication) and a growing realization that I was "missing" a part of my life I had kept hidden away for a LONG time.

I'm not sure where this leads but it is an interesting journey.

Hugs,
Sandra1746

[sometimes_miss]

To me, hiding that part of myself would be the highest form of torture. To constantly live in fear of other people finding out about my secret lifestyle would be something that I could not handle. How in the name of the grilled cheese Virgin Mary did you put up with it?

There is simply no other rational choice. I grew up being ostracized from all the other kids because of a facial deformity. It was absolutely horrible; being picked on every day. As I grew up, I watched people talk behind others backs, causing problems for them simply because they were gay, but the victims often never knew why the problems occurred. Add that to the open discrimination, and I vowed never to open myself up to those problems. It was easier just to keep the secret, considering all the problems that venting my life to the world could cause. After all, no one tells everyone everything about ourselves; we tell they the things we deem important that they know. And simply leave out anything that we don't think they should know. It's that easy. Sure, it would be nice to find lots of people that would love me and love the fact that I crossdress, but we do have to deal with reality, not wishful thinking.

[Foxglove]

Hi, Loretta! Everyone says not to look back, not to regret the past, and they're right. But I'm the sort who's never done anything right, so no reason why I should make an exception here.

I do have a lot of regrets. I envy those who are young, who have more information available than we had, who are more aware of who they are, and who have the possibility to make more of their lives than I made of mine. From what I've seen of what the young girls today have to say, things may not be much easier than it was for us. Life may not exactly be a bowl of cherries for them. But I think the main advantage you have is knowing that you're not alone, that you're not a freak of nature, that you have lots of good company. For me, the worst is the guilt and shame you feel because of what you are, even though what you are is in no way your fault. Perhaps young girls today will find it easier to accept themselves, even if society as a whole to a great extent doesn't do that. Knowing who you are and being able to accept yourself--that is a huge step forward.

Maybe I'm just making excuses for myself. After all, there are people my age who accepted themselves and have lived more or less in accordance with their true nature. I've always said that given my background, no way was I ever going to be able to face up to and accept my nature. But how do I know that their backgrounds, or any other aspect of their situation, made things any easier for them? I was so repressed that repression seemed like a normal state of affairs. It never occurred to me that a bit of smarts and a bit of backbone might actually help improve my life. When I look back on things, I feel like such a total wimp.

Hiding your true nature from everyone, including yourself, puts enormous pressure on you. Try as you like to be "normal", you're never going to be such. It only makes you profoundly unhappy. I have no doubt that you have to face up to things when you're young. Try to figure out what sort of life you need to live, and try to figure out how you're going to do that, insofar as it's possible. That may be hard, but I don't think it will be any harder than what I've done. And I suspect it will make you far happier than some of us have been. And when you get older, you won't feel that you wasted a lot of time and missed a lot of opportunities.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[jennyday]

I will reach the 50 year mark in a couple of years. I have been dressing since my teenage years and have been thru many purges and experiences. Personally for me SRS is not an option I wish to explore, I am content with dressing when time is available. My loving wife supports me and we wish to not expose our teenagers to my dressing. I guess everyones situation and goals are different.

[veronica52]

There is simply no other rational choice. I grew up being ostracized from all the other kids because of a facial deformity. It was absolutely horrible; being picked on every day. As I grew up, I watched people talk behind others backs, causing problems for them simply because they were gay, but the victims often never knew why the problems occurred. Add that to the open discrimination, and I vowed never to open myself up to those problems. It was easier just to keep the secret, considering all the problems that venting my life to the world could cause. After all, no one tells everyone everything about ourselves; we tell they the things we deem important that they know. And simply leave out anything that we don't think they should know. It's that easy. Sure, it would be nice to find lots of people that would love me and love the fact that I crossdress, but we do have to deal with reality, not wishful thinking.

Very elegantly put. My same feelings, but I could have not put it in those words.

[noeleena]

Hi.

Born 1947.. so you can quess what would be done to us if you said im different , youd be carted of to the nut house no ?s ask your gone.

At age 10 i knew what i was & i said nothing, a built in keep your trap shut,

Yet we were dressed in pink= boys , girls in blue , i was dressed in a lovely cream dress, hand knited still have the pic to prove it,

age 11 - 12 i was dressed as a girl for a end of year church do. 4 of 5 of us were, & my Mum was there & 80 others .

Did i dress as a female no, though i hated any boys clothes,
my difference was not a dresser, or trans , yet knew being different had advantages & disadvantags ,

at the time as i was growing i knew there was a part of who i am would be shown , i did not know just knew it would take place, my disadvantage was i did not relate to or with men was not on the same wave length. so was a bit of an out cast, i never tryed to be as many say & have tryed to act be or part of the male world .

As i was growing if you can call it that because i was shut down & there were details in my first 6 - 7 years of life that are a complete blank. nothing no memory. plus i had issues that hindered me through school . yeap i got through sort of .

Later on 13 = 17 & again 20 = 24 i had an understanding of things pertaining to female / woman that if you were a boy / young man you would not even understand or know about, unless you were told, well how im wired allowed for that. being intersex, so if you like the wash of hormones working in my body was different so the reason i think as female / woman ,

So what happened to my percived boy = maleness. yea theres some there that to is a part of who i am. so really its a mix of both, i cant seperate male form female & i dont try.

!6 years ago was my time for prep to really start to grow as a female / woman should & that i have, there have been so many changes, ..Psychologically .. Mentally ..& Emotionally..

This was with out any meds or H R T nothing just changes going on with in my body. you see some of us have both sets of hormones that do change with in us, allso it was not ...a.... i think ill change & be a woman. sorry it did not work like that, my body was preparing for the changes to take place, I did not think it could, just cant happen so belive me , it did & i have found out it can happen to some of us who are intersex,

I know some will disagree here ,,

i did not have to learn how to be a female / women it was there just surpressed for a long time till it was the right time .

as for now im just a woman whos a little different, one who has been accepted for who she is.

...noeleena...

[suchacutie]

Then there is me. I'm 61. At age 55 I discovered Tina for the first time. I didn't have to hide anything before because I didn't know there was anything to hide! Now the whole world has changed. Where I used to be one person I'm now two (one in each gender).

How does it feel? Completely bizarre. Here I am trying to understand who I am and who I have been, and then how this understanding will play out for the future. Complicated, but at least clarifying!

tina

[sandra-leigh]

My teen dressing was a "Black Like Me" experiment: I knew I wasn't female, but wondered how women experienced the world. This was during the peak of Second Wave Feminism (1970's), and I was trying, as a male, for a better understanding of the problems that women faced.

And once I moved to university... well, the experiment (and the era) was finished, and that was it. I didn't consider myself a cross-dresser (habitual): I was someone who had, in the past, tried on women's clothes for a reason. It took me until age 43 to realize I was a cross-dresser, that there was a reason I liked shopping for clothes for my wife, a reason I kept trying on my wife's clothes to improve my fashion and coordination sense so I could shop better for her. Yes, I can be pretty thick sometimes Hiding it from myself? That would be a reasonable interpretation.

Once I realized myself that I was a cross-dresser, I was out dressing in public in less than 3 weeks. My "closeted" stage was closeted from my wife, not from the public. I did not go through a conscious "shame" period: I had had "good intentions" in my teen years, and by the time I realized I was a cross-dresser I didn't care what the public thought.

Gender... I never did (or haven't yet?) "realize that I was born the wrong gender". I got hit with a massive and incapacitating Depression about 9 years ago, and had no idea why (other than "stress".) Took me a year without treatment just to figure out that it was Depression. My Year From Hell. It was about 20 months after that started that I realized I was a cross-dresser, and about 6-ish months after that, I started to realize that when I cross-dressed I felt much much better. Changing my perception of my gender and acting on that, became a survival strategy. I am transgender because it works for me. And as such, it really doesn't matter whether I was "born" with a female personality that was repressed, or if I "evolved" or "acquired" a female side later. I am here now. I do not feel any shame or chagrin over "not having realized it earlier", or about having felt male for so long "when I wasn't really". Life happened, and I adapt.

[LeaP]

How does/did it feel, to realize that late, that either A) you were born in the wrong gender, or B) Like crossdressing for your entire life, but have to hide it from everyone, including yourself, until you got to be the age you are currently?

To me, hiding that part of myself would be the highest form of torture. To constantly live in fear of other people finding out about my secret lifestyle would be something that I could not handle. How in the name of the grilled cheese Virgin Mary did you put up with it?

1) That I was never as happy and adjusted, and never fit in as well as I might and should have. It's a rather empty way to live. That's not to say that all of life is wasted. There is much good, too. Children. Avocational interests. Places seen and things done. Knowledge and a bit of wisdom gained. But the inner life is vacant and conflicted, and connections absent.

2) Purging and suppression as coping mechanisms until they collapsed.

Lea

[Kayla C]

But I think the main advantage you have is knowing that you're not alone, that you're not a freak of nature, that you have lots of good company. For me, the worst is the guilt and shame you feel because of what you are, even though what you are is in no way your fault. Perhaps young girls today will find it easier to accept themselves, even if society as a whole to a great extent doesn't do that. Knowing who you are and being able to accept yourself--that is a huge step forward.

Hiding your true nature from everyone, including yourself, puts enormous pressure on you. Try as you like to be "normal", you're never going to be such. It only makes you profoundly unhappy. I have no doubt that you have to face up to things when you're young. Try to figure out what sort of life you need to live, and try to figure out how you're going to do that, insofar as it's possible. That may be hard, but I don't think it will be any harder than what I've done. And I suspect it will make you far happier than some of us have been. And when you get older, you won't feel that you wasted a lot of time and missed a lot of opportunities.

Best wishes, Annabelle

The difference today, because of the Internet, is that you know you are not alone. For the longest time I was burdened by feelings of shame and guilt, thinking I was the only one who experienced these feelings and urges. Twenty five years ago I thought crossdressers (transvestites back then) were all gay drag queens, but I knew I was straight. Knowing that you are not alone, even if you choose to keep it a secret, makes the world of difference.

Kayla.C

[stacycoral]

The difference today, because of the Internet, is that you know you are not alone. For the longest time I was burdened by feelings of shame and guilt, thinking I was the only one who experienced these feelings and urges. Knowing that you are not alone, even if you choose to keep it a secret, makes the world of difference.

Kayla.C

Hi, Loretta! Everyone says not to look back, not to regret the past, and they're right. But I'm the sort who's never done anything right, so no reason why I should make an exception here.

I do have a lot of regrets. I envy those who are young, who have more information available than we had, who are more aware of who they are, and who have the possibility to make more of their lives than I made of mine. From what I've seen of what the young girls today have to say, things may not be much easier than it was for us. Life may not exactly be a bowl of cherries for them. But I think the main advantage you have is knowing that you're not alone, that you're not a freak of nature, that you have lots of good company. For me, the worst is the guilt and shame you feel because of what you are, even though what you are is in no way your fault. Perhaps young girls today will find it easier to accept themselves, even if society as a whole to a great extent doesn't do that. Knowing who you are and being able to accept yourself--that is a huge step forward.

And I suspect it will make you far happier than some of us have been. And when you get older, you won't feel that you wasted a lot of time and missed a lot of opportunities.

Best wishes, Annabelle

These ladies have said a mouth full, i love being married with four kids, but there is always the monent when your out that your wondering how would it have been to have become a woman, i still wonder how great it would have been to be a pretty 20 year girl. I have had my close call at times, but i am very luck to have a understanding SO, who love Stacy as well. It has been a nerves ride at times, but worth it. Best to you.

[elizabethamy]

It appeared to me in my mid-50s with no real warning and as I look back no obvious "tells" that it was always there, other than a strong feeling (not articulated as gender, but generally) that I didn't "fit in" with the rest of the gang. There was no suffering over gender until I became aware of it. Now, there is suffering over how did I hide it, was it always there, what have I missed out on, and, since I have a whole elaborate built life as a male, what now?

[Barbara Ella]

I am 65 years old, but only realized i was a cross dresser 6 months ago. No previous hints, just BAM!

I have not experienced the years of being alone, but I have not experienced the same years of knowing my female self Who/What am I? That question has been popping in my head yesterday and today,for perhaps the first time, and I have no answer. I have little to no experience to fall back on to help answer the question, and dont even know if it is important to answer. I enjoy dressing. I have fun here. I do not have to hide anything. I do not know what is coming, but I am afraid that it is being rushed to overcompensate for lost years, so it frightens me to have things I enjoy changing so rapidly, almost to the point that I am not sure I was done with the enjoyment of the particular phase. i now it wont stop until I am no longer having fun.

Babes

[Inna]

(I swear to whomever your chosen deity is, I am NOT being facetious.)

For those of you who are 50+ years old, and are considering SRS, or just realized that you liked dressing, but feel you're a bit late to the game, I have a couple of questions:

I feel lucky to have been born in the era that I did, one of acceptance and change for most. I just... Can't imagine being in your shoes.

Well, 50-4= yours truly, as you point out, you do live in the era of openness and somewhat accepting gender variant society. But only few decades back and oceans across such reality wasn't even on the dreamy imagination of many of us. Torture?....YES, but like with anything you must endure and cope with every day, every hour and minute, it becomes a Numbing agent, and you don't even feel pain until it hurts again, but then it simply does not go away anymore. Like growing resistance to Novocain, once gone, femininity will not take no for an answer and even the grilled cheese Virgin Mary wont help that much.

so rejoice in the day and time and nation where and when you can experience being YOU!

[sandra-leigh]

The hiding from my wife... I was ashamed at how good I got at side-stepping questions or telling partial truths, even a lie or two.

"I worked late" (true, and then I took a taxi to the meeting and stayed 20 minutes and took a taxi home, arriving in the same time frame as if I had bussed.)

"I stopped at Polo Park and picked up some milk" (true, but I left work earlier than usual and went there and shopped for clothes, and only picked up the milk as an excuse)

I wasn't being the kind of person I wanted to be. I knew by then that cross-dressing was enough of a part of me that expressing the true me required cross-dressing. And here I was being the false me to my wife. No matter that there were things she wasn't very open with me about: those things were on her conscience and my conscience was being eaten away by my hiding. I developed a burning feeling from my breast-bone to my stomach, tension and self-disgust. I got to the point where I knew I had to tell her even if that broke the relationship, as the relationship would surely break if I did not tell her -- if for no other reason than me leaving as being easier than admiting to the problem. It was a lose-lose situation except that if I told I might end up with the chance to try again.

Oh, but then the question of when to tell her... she had some family medical problems and I didn't want to dump on her when she was down. So I made a compromise with myself: that I would admit all if she ever asked. (Which she did, after finding some of my stash.)

[Patty B.]

You play the hand you were dealt. Knowing from age 8 or 9 knowing the drive was there to dress as a girl, woman. Family upbringing very rigid, old world the consequences were enormous. Family and societal pressures in the 70's kept this hidden and then marriage and a family more of the same. Hurting my family is and has been the worst of all this. You deal with it like it or not. Just my opinion on being having recently turned 59.