Lost and (feeling) alone

[eternal-c]

March is always hard for me in general, as it is the 19th Anniversary of my birth-Mom's passing away. We were very close.

The last few days I have been feeling so pent up inside that it has been hard to get myself motivated to even get out of bed. I do anyway, because I know that following that tendency can lead to a vicious cycle. I also completely stay away form Alcohol when I feel this way.

Who am I? am I Candice, or am I Charles? ... I know the answer is probably somewhere in the middle, but over the last few days I have felt the incredible urge to explore the Candice side, which I have fought for so long.

Two friends that care for me deeply have known my battle for the last 6 months and one of them made me promise that I would not keep it bottled up again, so that is part of the reason that I am here...

I would like to say that it doesn't matter who I am, because I am me.... but what if me is more Candice... Why does that bother me so much.

After talking with my friend last night and telling her what has been going on it sounds like I had a bit of a panic attack last night (Not something that I am used to, and not something I want to have to deal with on a regular basis )

All I know is I am done trying to be subtle. Re-reading some of my posts I just come off as a whiny guy... which I do not want... I just want to be normal. There is too much good around to let this get me down... so why is it







:'(


Where do I turn now?

~C

[Myojine]

Who am I? am I Candice, or am I Charles? ~C

You are the only person in the world who can answer that, What do you most identify with? Who are you? A name is a name and its just a name that can be remade.

I knew from the day i was cognisently aware of my self that Karl was a bad name for a girl, and fran was a much better name.
Eventually i figured out i had this huge crush on bunny related things, and little rabbits and alice in wonderland. when i grew up a little more i foudn out what bunnygirls were and dear god help me.
Then i played a game called Final fantasy 12 and foundout what my name really was

In the end a name is a name, its just a lable for your identity, be who you are, you are as you come.
right now in my transistion im hovering so strongly in that angrogeonous zone that people cant really tell if im a boy or a girl.
im happy that way, but id be happier if was full on no mistakes and guesses a Lady in societies eyes.

Its entirely up to you, your heart will guide you, just let fate deside.

[Tamara Croft]

That's some good advice Myojine

Maybe you should go see a gender therapist who can help you Candice/Charles? IDK? ...

[Gizmo, Debbie]

Whilst i do not know how it feels to loose a parent i do do know what depression feels like. and it's a biatch.
That comming over has a "Whinny guy" is more like (too me anyway) the normal way of venting all that is running through your mind. Thoughts and emotions that are difficult to let out and put down in words in a controled cohesive manner.
Your already aware of the pitfalls and already trying to stop yourself slipping deeper into dispare so that's a good sign.

Hugs
Debbie

[Julia_in_Pa]

My adoptive mother was my saving grace and my angel. She passed away in 2002.
The emptiness that I felt was horrible for years after that.
I still long for her and love her beyond what this world understands.

I think your perhaps feeling bit alone and vulnerable and because of this it is exacerbating your gender issues.
You must fight against male social conditioning and talk openly and often about these feelings to your friends.

At the end of your post you said you said you thought you came across as a whiny " guy " .
Perhaps there is more in that sentence than meets the eye concerning you calling yourself a guy.

It is high time for therapy from a therapist that you can fully open yourself up to.

Remember above all that first you must be truthful with yourself before anything will change for you.


Julia

[Sandra1746]

I can't add any better advice than Julia's or the others; just my expression of concern and support. The advice to find someone non-judgmental to talk with is probably the best thing you could do. Also getting out and about is a good thing you can do right away, anything that keeps you from 'turning inward' too much.

All the best wishes for you.
Love, Sandra1746

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Candice (may i call you that?)

I am sorry about your mom...i know what you are saying..

being transsexual causes many of the feelings you are describing....if you are truly female, the world doesn't resonate with you...you wonder what all those other people are doing and thinking ..it doesn't always feel real ...you go out, you talk, you live you love, and it just doesn't fill you up with the feeling of living life...it feels like you are living a life that isn't yours...if this sounds familiar join the club...

being lonely/alone, feeling isolated and unmotivated, and feeling very ashamed and transphobic is very common and something many of us have to deal with...

be good to yourself, and let people get closer to the real you... you will suffer the same ups and downs as everybody else, but at least it will feel like those things are happening to YOU..

[eternal-c]

Like I mentioned before,

Me being on this board is a direct result of the care of one of my friends making me promise not to bottle things up a while back. So I think that means that while I am on here it is probably better to go by Candice. It is one way without directly affecting every day stuff that I can explore Candice anyway.

@Myojyne: It is true, it IS just a name, but the name helps give a symbolic reference to what I am going though. If this particular forum folder was more private and couldn't be seen to public I would go into more of this history.

@Tamara: For the last 6 months I have been hearing similar. I "Know" I should, but because of my past experiences with councelors and such (Save one) even talking to just a counselor is very hard for me, even the last time I went in 2007 just for some basic stress issues that I was going through. It literally took almost 15 minutes to get the session started. In the end I "know" I need to do this, but have been unable to gather the courage to do so at this point

@Gizmo/Debbie: Two of my favorite names. Gizmo is one of my cats (who is curled up on my lap right now) and Debbie was my birth mom . Over the years I have lost a lot, but have gained even more. I have seen the vicious cycle of Depression affect those close to me, and vowed I would not ever let it get to me in that way. I may get tired, I may get worn out... but I make the choice each and every day to make this day better than the last. Hokey sounding, I know. But everything is about attitude, and perception. I don't believe in saying I can't do something (Any of you feel free to "Gibbs smack" me if I do). There are few times each year that are rather difficult for me, and I have secluded myself more during those times, but I have done so because I did not want Candice to make a surprise appearance and me be a total wreck around those I care about.

@Julia: Thank you. Even though my mom passed away when I was 10, I am fortunate to still have vivid memories of times we shared. Cancer is a cruel mistress to take the lights that shine brightest in our life.
About the whiny guy comment: I have friends that never do anything but complain, and they are all guys.. well 99% guys. I know how draining it is when someone is negative all the time and I will not be that person. If you girls ever think I am being too negative feel free to demand (Either in private message, or in forum) 5 positive things that are happening for me. I have done this for many of my friends, and while it may drive them nuts when they do it, they always feel better afterwords.

@Sandra: Yes, I agree. and I have each day gotten out and about, even if just for a few hours. I only have a few programming contracts right now, so I have more time to myself than I usually do, but that is OK because it has given me time to get more projects for myself done.

Kaitlyn, Yes, please call me Candice here. I think it would be better than seeing one name sometimes, and another name other times in the same area. Consider me joined to the club. I do try to be good to myself. but letting people get close to the real me is difficult when I have thus far not tried to really figure out which is the real me.

Thank you everyone who has responded so far. I think the largest fear for me at this point is what if Candice IS my predominate side? What if I AM truly female? I am not sure how to handle that at this time (Is there ever really a good time). I would feel like I have been a disappointment to so many people who have been such large support in my life such far, even though I shouldn't and that they would most likely be supportive of me still... fear of the unknown is a powerful motivator to do nothing, right?

So, I know therapy is a must... and I will get there eventually (especially if my friend keeps nagging me to go), but what else? I have not felt right about myself since I was about 7. ... almost 23 years I have been fighting with myself. How does one call a truce with oneself, as it were? I doubt Charles is going to raise the white flag, so what does one do. I don't want to live a lie, and just want to know the truth. The sad thing is... I think I already know the truth, and it is breaking my heart to act on it.

.

Candice

[sandra-leigh]

I think the largest fear for me at this point is what if Candice IS my predominate side? What if I AM truly female?

Flashbacks to times in my childhood when I got called a "girl" as an insult. Or when my (all-male) grade 11 homeroom voted to nominate me for Homecoming Queen. Back then it really hurt.

Now a-days... knowing that I was female would take a lot of stress off. Just like when I realized that I was transgendered, my immediate reaction was a lot of relief! As someone recently said in Canadian politics: people can deal with bad news, but they cannot deal with continued uncertainty.

I have had a lot of uncertainty in my life this last year. And yes, I've done a lot of nothing about it.

[Andie Elisabeth]

So, I know therapy is a must... and I will get there eventually (especially if my friend keeps nagging me to go), but what else? I have not felt right about myself since I was about 7. ... almost 23 years I have been fighting with myself. How does one call a truce with oneself, as it were? I doubt Charles is going to raise the white flag, so what does one do. I don't want to live a lie, and just want to know the truth. The sad thing is... I think I already know the truth, and it is breaking my heart to act on it.

Hi Candice,
there is one thing that worked for me whether it is physics, internal conflicts or my favourite fencing (in this fencing group there are more women than men (^_^) which is a bit strange) is that when you apply force it can be you used against you. I tried using force against force in internal conflicts before and the only result of build pressure was that I had to lay down in bed for three days and even though I wasn't sick I could do nothing except going to bathroom and making myself a tea. In last month or so I surrendered to using force and somehow I feel stronger and more free to get to know myself.

[eternal-c]

Bravo pulling out some modern science in a different light. I got a chuckle out of that. With as much as I love the physical sciences you would think that I would have made that correlation myself.

It is amazing though how much mental strife and stress can affect our physical well being, or even our physiological well being. towards the end of 2011 (and sometimes now still) I have been fighting as well with hypertension (Like in the 170/120 range, which is extremely high for me having a normal of 120/65 for blood pressure). The doc knows it's not the diet because I don't even touch fast food but maybe once a week. I love to home cook all my meals and have myself on a low-meat diet (To prevent long term kidney issues generally associated with being in the wheelchair). So he has been trying to find the cause. I know stress is a major contributing factor in it and now that one of my major programming projects is done, it has come way down, but still not where my doctor wants it. And of course, stubborn me, I have not wanted to tell him about my other major stressor that would be contributing to it.

I see that this was your first post Elisabeth, I am sure I will see a post from you in the welcome board soon, but pre-emptively: welcome

Candice

[emmicd]

It is not always clear how we should live our life when we are so conflicted. We do need to talk it out though and I believe as many here have suggested that you seek out a therapist to talk about how you feel. I too am now seeing a therapis to talk about my tg/cd isues and personal tragedies I have experienced in my life. I send my condolences to you on the loss of your mo. I lost my mom 20 years ago when she was only 50 and my dad 2 years ago sadly to suicide. We all must be strong and develop a tough exterior so we can live and it is so important to find out exactly who we are. I wish you well on your journey.

emmi

[eternal-c]

Thank you Emmi. Actually thank you everyone so far. Please feel free to pester me, ask me questions, etc. I will always answer an outright question honestly, even if it is hard.

My friend today pestered me for almost an hour to start seeing a counselor as well (She is worried about me).

I wish one of my local friends could know about me as well and be as supportive as my two friends... They might be, but they might not be... sometimes having a friend near by with a physical shoulder to cry on helps. Maybe one day.

For now, I will continue to be strong for myself and I will at least start looking for a counselor.

Candice

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Excellent.

Finding a therapist should not be difficult.. DONT do what i did...which is to make excuses and delay it... there is nothing to be afraid of..they are PAID to listen to you and try to help you..

being able to openly discuss this stuff, face to face, is a huge roadblock for many of us... so i understand if you are hesitant.

[silkeze]

I have learned, through my father, who was a john wayne type, that being able and asking for help is not a weakness.He passed away 7 years ago due to brain cancer. My moter I lost 4years ago this past christmas eve. I feel like she is the reason I crossdress,I wanted to be more like her due to the fact I looked up to her. She was kinder and stonger than my father. The two divorced when I was age 12 he would abuse her and us 4 boys. She got us through some really hard times with nothing.So Christmastme is not the same at my house any more, but I still have her kind and gentle memores to get me through. I also have had to seek counciling. My thoughts and prayers go out to you,just remember your not alone! Tammy

[eternal-c]

DONT do what i did...which is to make excuses and delay it...

Um... It's kinda late for that... I have been putting off getting a counselor for YEARS now... But I know what you mean

Thank you Kaitlyn (And again, everyone else, too). I did look a bit today at some reviews of local therapists to try to get an idea of which ones have been better for issues like this. I see a couple different options at the moment, and they are both fairly local (Maybe a 20 min drive).

[Kelsy]

Candice,

I have experienced the loss of a parent, I lost my father seven years ago then I lost a very close friend in the same year two years later my brother died. I mention this because the turmoil and emotional pain I experienced is still reverberating through my life today. My gender issues, which have always been difficult to deal with, became un-corked durring this time Fact is my personal gender struggle has been the a only real constant in my life. It is familiar it comforts me in a strange way and it became magnifyed to the point of having to deal with it during this time. I think ultimately the stress helped me uncover who I really was inside!
Finding a good therapist and having some loving support, admitting to myself the truths of my gender variance has made my life much better and the struggle actually prepared me to face the difficulties of transition.

I am reading a book right now that I find helpful! It talks about accepting every past thing in your life as events that had to happen in order for you to become the person you now are. It also shows that we can decouple with our past events and accept both the good and the bad so that the past will no longer control our present and allow us to be free!

I hope you find the peace you're looking for.

If you are interested in the book just PM me..................................Kelsy