don't ask don't tell - what to do?

[Kayla C]

This post is actually related to a post started earlier by shawnsheila who had a don't ask don't tell relationship with her SO. (Relationship breakthrough!) Her SO was upset and angry when she found Sheila's stash and realized that Sheila's crossdressing hadn't disappeared but was simply hidden.

I too have a DADT relationship - and it seems logical to suppose that for my SO, finding a stash, inadvertent or not, would shatter the illusion that my dressing is no longer there, or in remission, or whatever, no doubt causing dismay and anger. Yet I know that my wife knows and I really don't want her to think that my need to crossdress is gone. It was a terribly difficult time when she discovered it many years ago and I sure don't want a repeat. But I just don't know how to raise the issue again without opening Pandora's box. Any thoughts on this? Please advise.

Kayla

[docrobbysherry]

I read, "Don't ask, don't tell", as an agreement discussed between partners. If it hasn't been discussed, as in the thread u mentioned, it sounds more like, "Don't talk and don't get caught", to me!

[AllieSF]

Well, since I am not in that situation, being currently single, my opinion is as from a third party. First, don't ask - don;t tell is an unreasonable policy and very unworkable. I think that you need to state you case tell her that an "Out of sight - out of mind situation" may be better. What I mean is, that if she can truly understand your situation, i.e. crossdressing does not go away, you did not create this, it is just there outside of your total control, that needs to dress will arise occasionally and you may not be able to control that and will thus dress, with or without her knowing. Based on that, if she can at least understand what you are saying, then maybe she can cut you some slack there by permitting you to dress maybe under some type of house rules, so that she does not know and will not come into contact with it.

I personally could never live under that type of situation, and always wonder how others can do that. I see many here and in real life, that end up dressing anyways, thereby taking a bigger risk. I truly believe that whether she wants to listen to you or not, she does need to here the truth and understand that certain things are beyond your control and that her position is a lose - lose situation for both of you. It will result in a long term situation of distrust, tension, lack of communication, maybe new lying or sneaking around on your part and may end up in a divorce later anyway. Whereas a situation with decent communication and more openness may lead to a longer term and more stable relationship. I wish you the best of luck.

[Jacqueline Winona]

I'm in a similar situation- whenever I try to bring up something about dressing, my wife usually makes it clear she doesn't want to know about it. I take some comfort in the fact htat I have made an effort, and that's something to fall back on when the inevitable hits. It isn't easy, but I am trying to respect my wife's wishes- she knows I dress, doesn't like it, if in her mind it gives her deniability to avoid the subject so she can stay out of the closet (the old my coming out means bringing her in line), I'll live with it. But the key fact is that she does know. When/if she is ready to talk more openly about dressing, I can honestly say I was as honest about it as circumstances allowed.

[Noortje]

I don't understand. You say that your SO knows, but at the same time finding something would shatter her illusion that you don't dress? It sounds more like she doesn't know, or has repressed the information so far that she effectively doesn't know. At any rate, you are in the same situation as someone who has never told their SO... You are hiding it from her. I'm not saying that that is objectively wrong, or that I don't understand (I've been there myself), but your grip on the situation would probably improve if you reconciled yourself with the fact that your SO doesn't know you dress.

Or maybe I'm reading your post wrong. Anyway, DADT is a terrible way to deal with a conflict. It'll just fester until it becomes too big to solve without dramatic measures.

[Kaz]

This is a BIG area! I have had various ups and downs on a DADT policy. MY wife knows but doesn't want to experience it. We have been through some very difficult times getting to this point and there have been some relationship breaking points in there. We are still together though and respect each other in a way that makes be embarrassed at how I behaved when I was younger... maybe that is just about getting old!

She seems to give me loads of opportunities to realise Kaz though... and again I don't know oif this is conscious or just opportunism on my part. My 'stash' is still hidden (ie not visible), but now a lot easier to find and to be honest, if she finds it and wants to talk I will welcome the conversation. She probably already has!

[Aloha Jayne]

Kayla,

I recently came out to my SO, again. What I mean is, she had found my things several years ago and was extremely upset. She knew I put all my stuff in storage, and we haven't discussed it since. So I thought we were in a DADO mode when I decided to be upfront and honest with her a week ago. I wanted to tell her before she found my things again. Turns out, she was in a block out the past mode and had no clue that I was still dressing. Now she is just as upset as she was the first time and says she really didn't know about any of this.

I'm glad I told her, because it was time. Just use caution, and don't assume she knows and is choosing to ignore the situation. She may thinking that all is in the past and you have moved on. Good luck, and I hope things work out for you.

[Kayla C]

Kayla,

I recently came out to my SO, again. What I mean is, she had found my things several years ago and was extremely upset. She knew I put all my stuff in storage, and we haven't discussed it since. So I thought we were in a DADO mode when I decided to be upfront and honest with her a week ago. I wanted to tell her before she found my things again. Turns out, she was in a block out the past mode and had no clue that I was still dressing. Now she is just as upset as she was the first time and says she really didn't know about any of this.

I'm glad I told her, because it was time. Just use caution, and don't assume she knows and is choosing to ignore the situation. She may thinking that all is in the past and you have moved on. Good luck, and I hope things work out for you.

I'm afraid that is my situation and I am fearful of bringing it up after so long - I know DADT is inherently untruthful but it has protected our relationship.

Yes, unfortunately that about sums it up.

[STACY B]

Woops ,,, Sorry ,,,Moving ,,,on,,,Sorry ,,, Me no speaky english ,,,,

[kimdl93]

I don't think its a real DADT situation if the illusion has been created that your dressing has ceased. Its more let's pretend it doesn't exists . (LPIDE?) I see it as a set up for another very bad situation Wouldn't it be better to find a way to open up the conversation rather than waiting for another mine to go off?

[Aylineira]

First off, I'm glad that I don't have your issue. PHew! But to just give advice on yours..

One has to ask themselves why she is so upset over this? Does she not have enough information on this subject? Is she afraid of losing the man she once knew?

I believe that the next time this arises (or if you ever bring up the courage to talk to her about this subject) you have to be well prepared in offering knowledge and support about what being a CD is all about. I'm not an expert on this subject and perhaps the GGs on this forum could offer you more insight. Somehow you must get her more at ease with this whole thing.

[NicoleScott]

DADT is not a unilateral strategy designed to keep crossdressing secret. Doc (Post #2) got it right. DADT is an agreement - whether directly negotiated or tacitly settled into - where the wife acknowledges the CDing, usually doesn't approve of it, but "allows" it (recognizes it's going to happen) as long as she doesn't have to see it or hear about it. Janice's situation (post #4) is pretty typical of others' forum posts describing their situation. In my case, she doesn't disapprove but just isn't very interested and doesn't want to participate. I don't hide - I'll answer any questions she asks - but I prefer to do my crossdressing privately, and she's good with that.
I disagree that DADT is inherently untruthful. When someone says they don't want to know about it (the DA part), then keeping it from them is not untruthful, it's compliance, keeping your end of the agreement (the DT part).
Some wives fully embrace their husband's crossdressing. Others don't, but don't let it end an otherwise good marriage. DADT won't be for every relationship, but it's often the best that can be hoped for, and many think it's better than a divorce.
But Kayla, I agree with others that DADT is not what your relationship is.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kayla, I guess that my DA DT is a little better then some as nothing is hidden
three closets and most of my dresser is full of Orchid's things.
My Wife knows but don't want to be part of it or see me dressed.
As long as I stay within my boundries life is good.

[Sarasometimes]

I'm in a DADT but she never asked nor have i ever implied that I had stopped. She found some info on a computer history and asked me about it, i said i had an interest in Cding. She turned off the computer and has never mentioned it again. There are other little hints that she knows about as well. I think that if your SO has a reasonable expectation that you stopped you are in a different situation and I wouldn't know how to proceed. Good luck!

[Stephanie47]

I'm in a DADT with my wife. When we were first married, she and I would go shopping for nightgowns and stockings/garter belts for me. It was sex play. Later, when we both realized it was more, i.e., cross dressing she became disgusted. She could not understand my desire to wear a bra with no boobs! My femme clothing wasn't hidden, but, it wasn't hanging in the closet too! Over the years she has mellowed. She no longer makes snide comments about cross dressing when shown on television. Once in awhile a garment maybe left out. She will tell me wear she folded it and placed it. She is NOT under the impression I have given up cross dressing. I know she has no interest and I respect her boundaries.

If you believe your wife believes you gave up cross dressing, you may be deceiving yourself. She may want to just block it out and not cause a 'disturbance in the force.' Usually in a marriage there are little hints and nuances in behavior that will clue both of you in onto the amount of knowledge the other spouse possesses. I can tell my wife is more accepting of my desires without her coming out and saying so. She may feel discussing the issue will lead me to believe I can violate the accepted boundaries.

Frankly, I am OK with DADT because I would not want to make her feel uncomfortable pushing the envelope.

[Jenny Doolittle]

Geesh, this all sounds like it works about as well as the Military policy for gays.

[Kristyn Hill]

My heart goes out to anyone that cannot discuss this with their wives/SO's.

[DonnaT]

If your wife has had a terribly difficult time with it in the past, then it's best to leave the DADT policy in place.

If she raises the issue, then be prepared to let her know that it is part of who you are, that you'll respect her wishes not to talk about it, but it is something you can not quit.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Personally I dont think a DADT situation is the worst scenario - its not ideal and it isnt what my OH and I have but if a wife is not happy to hear about or see the CD'ing then its a good compromise.

Lets face it, many wives know their husbands cheat on them, but they would rather not ask, because if they ask they may be forced to deal with the answer. For some wives its more comfortable and easier to bury their head in the sand and pretend a situation doesnt exist than have to face up to it and deal with the consequences.

[Jenniferathome]

Well, we all know DADT doesn't really work. The don't asker, assumes one thing and the don't teller assumes another. At a minimum, I think you should ask her what DADT means to her. So, you might be able to introduce the topic with,"Honey, I THINK we have a DADT policy about my crossdressing, but I have only two questions 1) am I right? And 2) what does that mean to you (never talking about it, never seeing my clothes, etc)? I just want to understand your boundaries."

The answer to question 1 will be telling. It could be, a simple, yes. And it could be, "What? You still crossdress!?" the issue will be out and at least you can agree on DADT or some version of it.

And I'll repeat, DADT does not work.

[Janelle_C]

I think the the DADT is just a way to set up both of you for failure. She is pretinding your Cding has gone away. My wife is supportive But she does not participate. Which has its own see of problems. But she knows I dress and is not socked if she comes home and in in a dress. Maybe you too can come to a agreement that she knows but does not want to see it, becouse you and I know its not going away. That's sort of how we dealt with it in the beginning years ago and she has come around a lot sence the. But just to pretend it doesn't exist is not moving forward. Good luck I know its hard.

[sterling12]

I think Jennifer has come up with a good solution for at least some couples. Having A Sit-Down may improve some bad situations. But, I will disagree that DADT doesn't ever provide a workable solution. In The Psych Trade, per Papa Freud, DADT would be known as a "coping mechanism." It is a a survival strategy for one or both parties. If someone cannot survive an untenable situation; then to deny it's existence may or may not work, for a short or a long time. Nobody knows how well The Strategy will work, until they try it out!

But, as Jenny has advised; if you don't set The Parameters nobody actually knows what either party is thinking about. One can easily make The Mistake of saying nothing (too little discourse creates confusion, jealousy, suspicions, and many more problems.) Or, One Party can say way too much, and cross the other person's "boundaries."

I imagine a good way to open up a Dialog is to say something like, "Honey, I realize that you are probably uncomfortable talking about this issue, but I want to respect your wishes and I'm just not sure what The Rules involve." "Lets try to talk about what is acceptable, and what isn't?"

Who knows? She might want to give you a lot more "Rope" than you previously thought you had. It might turn out to be a "Win-Win!"

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Lynn Marie]

[SIZE="4"]It seems to me that this DADT thing is just another one of the walls or obstructions to intimacy that so often develop between couples. I constantly see two people living together for convienence sake rather than for true loving and caring. It's just too much trouble to get divorced and start over with dating, etc. to find a new mate or a new life. I get it, I lived that life for 20 years or more. Damn I'm glad that's over with. I'd rather be monitarily poor yet rich in freedom than chained to a house and wife for the good of the family, or community, or church, etc.[/SIZE]

[Kayla C]

First... I would like to offer a huge thank you to everyone who has posted. This issue is of such concern to me. Your comments are so genuinely caring and well articulated - they have given me a lot to think about. And no, I am really not happy with the status quo... for me the issue is what do I really want and how far am I willing to go to try to achieve it. In my heart I would like her to not only know, which I do believe she does, but to accept it as part of who I am. That doesn't necessarily mean that she must see me en femme, only that she and I would be able to talk about it so that she could really understand what it means to me.

[Kayla C]

Allie, I do appreciate your point of view, and if I could go back to square one I would approach it differently. Knowing what I know now, I would tell any CD/TG who is contemplating a long term commitment to tell the other person - because it never goes away - that is the mistake I made and I'm sure many others have made. The information and advice that is so readily available on this site was nearly impossible to come by 25+ years ago. (Honestly... I thought I was the only one back then.)