don't ask don't tell - what to do?

[Miriam-J]

It looks like you've already received some great advice on this one Kayla, but let me add one more from my perspective. Whenever I read these DODT stories, it makes me wonder how many other things you have that you can't talk about. There are a lot of difficult problems in a marriage, and unless we can have full, open, and respectful discussion about any topic it's pretty tough to get along in the long term. If this is symptomatic of broader communication issues, I'd suggest finding ways to open up the communication pathways in general first - by direct conversation or, if needed, with a counselor/therapist. Once that is open you can talk more openly about what CD/TG is all about and your own needs.

Miriam

[NicoleScott]

Miriam, yes, there are couples with problems communicating and that could benefit from counseling. But a couple in a DADT situation may not have a communication problem. Perhaps the opposite: they have communicated about his crossdressing, she doesn't like it but acknowledges his need to do it, she sure doesn't want to see it, and he knows her position about it and agrees to keep it away from her. Their differences over crossdressing have been resolved - by communicating. That is, they both recognize that they may never be in agreement but they have found a way to accommodate each other's needs (his: crossdress - hers: don't want to see it) in order to preserve the many good aspects of the marriage. Does crossdressing have to remain a topic of conversation until he quits, she accepts, or they divorce? No, they can agree to DADT.

Many, if not most, couples have some areas of disagreement that are best accommodated by avoiding the fight over it. Religious, political, etc.

Jennifer, many members have posted that they are in a DADT relationship and it is working for them. How can you continue to say that DADT never works?

I agree that hiding, denial, head in the sand, and pretending it doesn't exist are not elements of a DADT relationship

[Allsteamedup]

Firstly, I do not really understand this don't ask-don't tell policy. Is it something peculiarly US?

SOs are at an extreme disadvantage in any conversation about cross-dressing. Most would not want to be negative, as you might take that as a judgement, but they would also have difficulty conveying their reservations.

Secondly,you say you want her to understand what it means to you. If you were prepared to be kinder and ask firstly what it means to her you might have something to talk about. GGs are also notorious for keeping this non-emotional by talking about time and money issues and other practicalities, while you would like to talk about how you feel. Do you see how far apart you are?

If you are still prepared to keep this out of her face she will appreciate your respect. If she genuinely thought you intended to give this up, you have a trust issue. If you are going to give this a mention, choose a neutral venue, not your home.

What this means to you can never supercede what this means to her: relationships do not work that way. If you are going back to DADT you might at least have some idea of what each of you is avoiding!!

[Kayla C]

Nicole... With respect to my situation, I believe you are correct... DADT was the resolution a long time ago, and it worked based on the limited information she and I had at the time. I don't think it was a lack of communication as Marym suggests. What has changed over the years is my acceptance of this.. it's not fair to ask your SO to accept something that you haven't. I am there now... finally... and that is why I have asked for everyone's help and advice. DADT is no longer working for me... and honestly, my SO's role may be more her belief that she is protecting me by being silent rather than her simply avoiding it. As so many have pointed out, many SO's know long before their partners ever come out to them. I think GG's are far more intuitive than we give them credit for. Several members have PM'ed me and urged me to put my trust in her by opening up and telling her what this means to me... which is more than simply her knowing (which I'm sure she does). Knowing that so many of you have gone through this (for better or worse) has given me the confidence to move forward to try to find a better resolution.

[Kayla C]

Mountain Lass...
I don't know if DADT is peculiar to the U.S. It's gotten a lot of press here because it was the military's official policy toward gays serving in the military. I think it was an interim solution (and not a very good one) until society could accept complete openness.

You are right about an SO being at a disadvantage.... unless crossdressing is disclosed before she makes a long term commitment. I think you are also right that there should be a clear understanding about what is acceptable, and it really is the SO who determines that... but she can't do that without full knowledge of the situation.

[il.dso]

Excellent and powerful discussion.
No easy answers.
I concur with many of the opinions expressed here about the challenges of sharing our crossdressing with our wives.
Complicated, indeed.

[Kayla C]

Scarlet... I think that may be a bit more confrontational than I'd prefer but it would be an interesting and straightforward approach! I'm already anticipating the possibility of sleeping on the couch... this could land me on the front curb! Anyway, the boxes disappeared after my last purge!!

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Yes it would be an 'interesting' approach indeed! but it might also be swiftly followed up with the reply - "well if that's your attitude, say goodbye to them now because they wont be here when you get home from work"

Personally I dont think this is really the subject to take the "gung ho" approach - them sofa's are not too comfortable for more than one night!

[Kayla C]

Yes, your point is well taken. If your SO has made it clear she doesn't want to know or be involved, and you are willing to respect that, she should not be rummaging through your stuff looking for evidence. That would be unacceptable. Fortunately that's not where I am at.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Oh dear, I dont really understand why your partner would do that Silk, if she doesnt want to know or talk about it, why snoop? maybe some kind of morbid fascination?

[ReineD]

Like the others, I also believe that a DADT policy is in place when the wife knows fully that her husband CDs, she chooses to not get involved, and so they block off some time when he can CD without her ... whether this is at home when she is off doing something else or when he travels. At no time is she not aware of the CDing.

You need to talk to your wife. If she is not OK with seeing you dressed, you both need to work out a schedule together. You can tell her that you do not wish to do this behind her back.

Hopefully now that you've accepted who you are, you'll be in a better position to tell your wife about your needs and hopefully she will make a genuine attempt at trying to understand. It will help if you tell her that you would love nothing more than to express this side of yourself with her, but you are more than willing to work within her boundaries while she learns.

[Kayla C]

Reine... Thank you for sharing your perspective ...
What you are saying makes so much sense...
I'll try to find a quiet time to raise the issue...
And I'll write down what I want to say so I'm prepared...
I don't know how soon it will be...

[Kayla C]

Silk... at the risk of derailing this thread... (it's just about run it's course anyway...)

You need to understand that crossdressing is not a hobby, a pastime, or simply entertainment. As virtually all of the members here will agree... you can suppress it, but it will never go away... and the sooner you appreciate this reality, the sooner you can come to terms with it.

Don't ask don't tell may work for some... that is what this post is about... but if that is your choice, it should be an up front agreement between the two of you... otherwise you'll find yourself in my situation, wondering if your wife believes it's just gone away.

You might consider starting a new thread to get additional advice - there is a lot of collective wisdom on this forum.

Kayla C

[ronda]

when my wife found my stuff she was very upset and we went through a very hard time but we made it she was upset most at the fact that i was not open with her from the start she felt betrayed and lied. i did not dress in front of her because that would upset her but i did not hide my things anymore i told her that i can not be fully open with her but i will no longer hide anything from her including my dress, skirts, tops, shoes, or underwear i she looked it would be there for her to see because i did not want her to feel betrayed again or that i lied to her by hiding it

[Kayla C]

Ronda,
I think what you are saying confirms that for an SO, in most situations, it is the longstanding deceit rather than the actual dressing... that is most upsetting. Early disclosure is everything...
But to do that you need to realize that it is at the core of who you are... only then can you be upfront about it.

[sometimes_miss]

My ex had the DADT policy, until she decided to divorce me. Then she threatened to tell EVERYONE about what a terrible pervert she thought I was, with pictures to demonstrate why.