finding an understanding woman to share my cd-ing

[debbie409]

hello:
typical story .... hetro male, strong desires since puberty, countless lingerie collections compiled and thrown out between the ages of 16-25 due to guilt, finally acceptance with my fetish and dressing in private when the irrepressible urge and opportunity is there. now in my 40's married and still dressing alone and in private i feel a burning desire to share this fetish, on occasion with an understanding woman, most likely a professional role player or transformation specialist who completely understands the heterosexual fetish cross dresser, knows what makes us tick, and has an "honest and sincere appreciation" for this particular type of fetish. as mentioned prior i am happily married but choose not to broach the subject or try to integrate this into my marriage, i would like to keep this a separate component of my life.

what are your thoughts on finding that special understanding female? do you think there are a lot of women out there who "truly and honestly" enjoy dress up games with cross dressers, or do you think that most of them just play along to keep the man happy but could really take it or leave it? my friends and i have always joked that we think that at least 50% of women are at least bi-curious. i often fantasize about finding a bored middle aged women who is personally secure, uninhibited and would love to experiment.

it would be nice to hear other thoughts and ideas on this topic.

[Jenniferathome]

I think you underestimate your wife. My feeling is that it is inevitable that she'll find out both about your crossdressing and this new friend. I imagine that the new friend will piss her off more than the crossdressing. Your wife is supposed to be your friend. Crossdressing is already a breach of trust, a female friend will be far worse.

[sandra-leigh]

If you "choose not to broach the subject or try to integrate this into my marriage" and you go ahead with this, there is a significant risk that not so long afterwards, you would no longer be "happily married".

I don't know what you mean by "fetish" in this context, but most anyone hearing about it in those terms would assume that the session turned sexual. And when your wife finds out, are you going to be able to prove otherwise?

A slap on the face and an order to get out of the house is the least of what I would expect as consequences.

The consensus here is pretty much that if you need to "experiment" with another person without the specific consent of your SO, then you should get out of the existing relationship first. As in divorce.

[crossdressersfriend GG]

I don't think the bi-curious has anything to do with it.

You're CDing in secret and thinking of adding yet another secret to the list of things you are keeping from your wife. But there is a line and we've already crossed it and there's no coming back now, it would have been easy if we never even saw the line to begin with, kwim?

What kind of experimenting are you thinking about?

[debbie409]

i appreciate and respect all of the opinions given on the proper side of what is morally correct. i have been happily married for some time and would not want to hurt my wife or disrupt my relationship. i have never been unfaithful or sought to have an affair simply because my wife was not in the mood or i was looking for something different. we all have to be honest with ourselves and i know my wife well enough to know she more than likely will not be receptive, i might be wrong but she would more likely be the type to say i understand but take care of your interest elsewhere. i am not looking to debate the morality of looking outside of a marriage, but given the unique circumstances and strong desires associated with cross dressing was looking for advise or opinions on comfortably integrating a woman SO or not.

to answer the question above-"What kind of experimenting are you thinking about? "
what i would like on occasion is to play play dress up and share my cross dressing with a mature understanding female partner instead of dressing alone.
it's very simple, i just want to feel a female next to me while i am dressed. naturally the ideal situation would be to have a SO transform me but unfortunately this is not the case.

in line with my initial question, and input from any CD or SO is appreciated.
do you all find that most women just entertain this desire, or do you find that some sincerely enjoy it?

[Tina B.]

I can't say what most women do, or don't think about it, I don't know most women. But in my case, my wife seems rather ambivalent about it, and why not, she has no clothes fetish, as you put it, and if I didn't need the escape, I'm sure she would be happy with that. But that's not the way it is, so she spoils me, l get as many gifts from her for my female side, as I do for the guy in me. I see something I want, if it fits the budget, I buy it, and she could care less. When ever I want to dress, I do, and if she thinks I haven't been dressing, and seem tense, she recommends I dress.I get complements when I've done a good job, and advice with it, when I mess up. She also will ask Tina's opinion on fashion, because she respects my choices, on how I present. BUT WE DON'T PLAY DRESS UP, OR SEXY TIME, WE ARE GIRL FRIENDS, ONLY! She wants to play games, or if I do, that's what man and wife are about.
I truly believe, because I have never asked her to "play gender games" other than accept me as I'm dressed, is why we have never had a real problem with it. It's not a game to us, just a life style.
Tina B.

[suchacutie]

What Tina B. said! Tina and my wife are girl friends and they enjoy their time together. As soon as you start looking outside your marriage for sharing a part of yourself that you don't want your spouse to know about, it can only be trouble in the long run. There are transformation services that can help you be transformed for a day or longer, night on the town, etc. that are totally above board. That's about as far as I can suggest anything that might be positive.

[Vickie_CDTV]

It is a bad idea no matter how you slice it. Even if you choose to hire a professional dominatrix type to live out your fantasies without any sexual contact I don't think your wife would understand that. I understand that people go to professional dommes purely for living out their fetishes and do not have sex with them, but it is doubtful you wife knows the difference, and it is unlikely she would approve even if she did understand that no sex was involved (she might object to spending the money too, which is usually not insignificant.)

GGs who are genuinely attracted to men who dress are very rare, some tolerate for their husband, some may like men who dress up but are not sexually attracted to them, some may accept in exchange for their husband to accept their personal kinks, but women who find it a turn on... are very rare (and very special!)

[Silentpartner GG SO]

Speaking as a wife - I can say with all honesty, if I found out my husband had even been enquiring about such a thing I would kick his ar*e from here to next week.

[darla_g]

I honestly think it is rare to find a female partner that would truly "want" to be with someone who crossdresses and would actively seek them out. That being said I think that someone who truly loves their partner may be accepting of his desire to crossdress. I think I might get concurrence from most of the GGs on here who might comment on this. So I think the plan would be to find someone you are truly compatible with and then bring up the whole topic.

I don't think the idea of a dominatrix or an escort would be all the appealing, but then maybe that is just me and I certainly have no experience in this area. I do feel that crossdressing has a strong sexual component for most people (especially the person dressing) so perhaps you can tap into that.

[jenfromri]

@OP - I share what you have felt and are feeling. I posted for a girlfriend to head out with in the strictly platantic section of CL in Vegas where I am presently visiting (en route). Hoping to meet for drinks. More so to go out and not be harrassed and nervous as I'm new to heading out publically. We'll see what happens, in some ways its like a first date, in other ways just an adventure. She had replied that she was open minded, didn't judge people and was bored. If it would ruin your marriage by exposing to your wife and you are happily married, try to find a friend. THere is an element of independence that you are seeking. Go for it.

[muzzy]

I told my girlfriend after about 6 months into the relationship and she is perfectly happy about my crossdressing,in fact she's always coming home with a pretty pair of panties and lingerie for me.She thinks it's cute and harmless and as she puts it,you aren't doing anyone any wrongdoing at all and I'm a good person and she loves the feminine side of me.we can talk about anything and it's a closer bond now but if I hadn't told her we wouldn't be as close xoxo

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Debbie, How would you feel if your wife had a male friend to go to movies, ballgames, dancing or bowling???

[Dawn cd]

As we know, most people on this site are deep into fantasy.

[Katesback]

So you want a woman who is not only understanding but also is participatory in your CD activities. Well I think you might want to get out your wallet and pay a woman to be interested and participatory.

[sandra-leigh]

How would you feel if your wife had a male friend to go to movies, ballgames, dancing or bowling???

My wife used to practice music as part of a group. Several nights a week, plus during the day on weekends. And although I knew when the practice would end, I never knew when she would be home. Often the group would go to eat after, but only on some of the days, and her arrival back was erratic on all of the days. I knew who she was with; she would say the name, and what she would tell me was too coherent for me to doubt it was anyone else. Some of the days the group went to eat, she would instead split from the main group and she and he would go eat together. She was spending more time with him than with me, and including time I couldn't quite account for. She would have lunch with him a couple of times a week as well (they happened to work for the same organization.)

Was something happening? I didn't know. I did know that I was resenting all the time away from me, far more time spent talking to him than she was spending talking to me. I trusted her at first, but as the months and months and months wore on, I started to distrust, and knew that I was listening to her with half an ear tuned to the possibility that she was having an affair. I would think for a time that I must be imagining things, and then I would start to distrust again, and I started thinking about telling her she couldn't spend time with him any more. Oh, and through this all, she was generally miserable, as the music group thought they were experts but my wife had grown up with that kind of music and knew they were making a mess of it... a boat-load of her complaints ended up on my plate.

Eventually my wife quit the group, and matters calmed down a lot.

Did my wife have an affair with the fellow after all? Years later, I still don't know, and part of me still distrusts that maybe she did. Other parts of me have pieced together enough here and there that most of me thinks that NO, nothing happened. It gnaws at me a bit, even if only slowly now. One thing I can say: I'm not going to let that happen again.

Don't put your wife in that position. Even if you know that nothing happened, when she finds out about the situation, it is going to eat at her, wondering if there was more to it than she was told, wondering if you formed an emotional bond even if you never "acted" on that bond (and would you have if you had thought you could have gotten away with it?) That night she visited her parents and called you and you didn't answer... were you with Her when you told her that your cell ran down? If you lied once, why not twice or three times??

Your partner should be your primary emotional focus. Okay, maybe there are some things you need a friend's help with to process, a neutral observer to help you put your thoughts in order, but that's not an indefinite pass, and the professional advice (e.g., "How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage") is to concentrate on getting your relationship with your partner in to such a state that you can talk about it. There are techniques for reducing the impression of "blame" or "fault" and increasing the aspect of "How do we work together to solve this?" as a shared effort.

[Phylis Nicole Schuyler]

Sandra-leigh

Best advice I've heard. Couldn't have stated it better. I've been married twice and both times they cheated and abused me. It took a long time for me to trust my SO and we talked constantly about our feelings, desires and what is important in our lives. I trust her now and she knows I value her love and our relationship so much as to not do anything to even put a dent in it. She knows I crossdress and doesn't want to have anything to do with it. I have a very close female friend that helps me crossdress and my SO knows her. She also knows it like a father/ mother to daughter relationship. In fact I plan on giving Nicole a daughter necklace and my SO knows that about it. She also knows that Nicole is more a daughter to me and a close friend.

Be up front with your wife and she might surprise you. She would be totally upset (Does wanting a divorce sound like a place you want to put both of you into?) if you choose the path of seeking someone else without her knowledge. Put yourself into her position. How would you feel? A relationship is full of responsibilities and compromise. Don't throw it away! Talk!

[Roxie X]

Debbie

I am very new to his too, I thought my wife might freak but turns out she is Fine with it. She even shops for me, not that good at shopping hate the hustle and bustle.

I would say try and introduce things slowly, in the bedroom department, we had experimented with a few things, like trying underwear on, and as she enjoyed it we were able to try more. What I meant here is to test the water she will either say yes or no, maybe means ?
I think that was a bit of an icebreaker, so when I approached the subject(calmly) she said she understood. You have come to the right place here as we all have different issues.

Remember give her time as it is a big thing.

Good Luck as I feel much better now and can talk to her about it. She just says it must not take over and we both agree on things.

Roxie

[Tina B.]

Sandra, once again you have hit the nail on the head! Once that doubt enters your mind, it takes over, and eats at you like a cancer, and that goes both ways. A women married to a CD, has certain doubts already about this strange behavior, adding any outside activity without her understanding and support, will only cause trouble in the long run.
Tina B.

[NicoleScott]

You didn't directly say that sex would be a part of this desired encounter, but if we have the same understanding of what a fetish is (in the truest sense of the word), then I can't imagine playing out this fetish-based fantasy without a sexual conclusion. Like Scarlet Rose, I'll decline any moral or marriage arguments and get to the activity part: find a willing interested participant or pay for someone to pretend.

[Wonderwho]

Remember that inreality you are alwredy having an affair, the time you spend CDing without her knowing is could be considered an affair with yourself. If you step outside the relm of the world you are hiding from now to enter the phyical world of adding a stranger to your CD world you run the risk of losing everything. You could crash and burn and the fire will be huge.
How much are you willing to risk?