worst idea ever ,,,,,,, to come out of closet to wife

[chrismy]

worst idea ever ,,,,,,, to come out of closet to wife ,,, ever ,,,, ever,,, ever,,, after 28 years of marriage .. 2 months later and it all crashes down. she feels sooo betrayed even though the only person i ever cheated on her with was myself. i will have to move shortly and give up a lifetime of hard work but even worse loose the warm hug and love of the person that means the most in the world to me. to all the gurls that will jump on the "ya shoulda told her from the beginning" bandwagon ..... save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think.

[goodnhose]

Sorry to hear about your crash but after 28 years with her a little more time seems to be in order for her to absorb this change in her life. I hope things straighten out for you and that you guys can work it out.

[Alice Torn]

So very sorry to hear of this. This ought not be, in 2012 America. If she visited a Muslim nation, wearing jeans, t shirt and sneakers, short hair, she may be arrested or killed! Why would she not even discuss a compromise!? This is sad.

[Jacqueline Winona]

I'm really sorry to hear this, Chris. I wish I had words of wisdom for you, but all I can say is that we're all here to listen whenever you need to vent or ask advice.

[Barbara Ella]

Chrismy, i am very sorry that it worked out this way for you and your wife. Please do not close the lines of communication with her. If she learns more about crossdressing she might be willing to talk. If she begins to understand what this means to you, she might be willing to talk some. Might not change her mind, but if she is talking she is learning. Only you know when the right time to tell her is/was no one can tell you that earlier would have been better. Dont harbor the idea that you cheated on her, you did not cheat. This is you. If you feel like that, she will pick up on it. Be positive and honest with her. Do not give up on you both.

Babes

[JessHaust]

I'm also sorry it worked out this way, but really you should have told her before you married. We all know, from a very early age, and we're just kidding ourselves, and hurting those we love, by keeping it a secret. It's never going away, we will never be 'cured'. The sooner we accept ourselves, the sooner we can let others know and accept or reject us as we are, not who we pretend to be.

[Cynthia Anne]

Sorry I have to disagree with you! I think the worst Idea you ever had was the insane idea you have to move and give everything up you worked so hard for! Why do YOU have to leave! Think it over! The one that moves out WILL lose! Best of luck to you! Hugs!

[Leelou]

I'm so sorry. This is still fresh so hope things can be worked out--especially after so many years. I know you don't want to hear that you should have told her from the beginning, and I understand that, but stories like yours do have an important role in this forum. Maybe if we don't come clean early it's best to stay in the closet, I don't know, I've heard all the stories over the last few years since I've joined.

I was in the closet in my marriage and I'm glad I did so because I didn't come clean up front. We divorced for different reasons. I'm sure she would have divorced me for it. I knew I should have been honest upfront, but I didn't. Once you've entered into the marriage under the lie, you have to make the choice to come clean or not. I hope these threads help others that are deciding to marry or those that are already there.

Anyway, thanks for opening up to us and I wish you both the best.

[chrismy]

thanks to all for your empathy. i do appreciate it more than u will ever know.
@JessHaust ... refer to my earlier post ,,, save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think. how old r u? what do you know of life to question my life of almost 6 decades? nothing is the correct answer. it must be nice to be so young and have all the correct answers ... (sarcasm ... for your understanding) ....

[Eryn]

I'm also sorry it worked out this way, but really you should have told her before you married. We all know, from a very early age...

No we don't all know. It is possible to have "feelings" but manage to submerge them for most of our lives. I can only speak for myself, but I had been married for over 20 years before I realized exactly what those "feelings" were. I find it hard to believe that my situation is unique.

Chrismy, I hope that you don't give up on your wife. You didn't cheat on her, but apparently she isn't yet prepared to deal with the present situation. I find it hard to believe that she would be anxious to give up a 28 year marriage unless there are factors that we don't know about. It won't hurt you to give her more time and keep the lines of communication open.

[whowhatwhen]

thanks to all for your empathy. i do appreciate it more than u will ever know.
@JessHaust ... refer to my earlier post ,,, save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think. how old r u? what do you know of life to question my life of almost 6 decades? nothing is the correct answer. it must be nice to be so young and have all the correct answers ... (sarcasm ... for your understanding) ....

I don't think her post was meant to insult you, but to point out to others who may be reading this thread that there are very real consequences to entering a relationship and keeping part of yourself secret.
That being said I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you can work it out.

[chrismy]

@Leelou - Maybe if we don't come clean early it's best to stay in the closet. .... i know i would be voting for your position if i had more sense. @Eryn - wife says its the hardest thing she has ever faced but cannot deal with it. we have been through so much in 3 decades (have children also, but she says that "I actually care about what people think about you, especially your children so if they are told it will be by you" ... i so love her even as she rejects spending the rest of her life with me. sooo sad for us all.

[AmberDay]

I want to say I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can sympathize with the not having someone to hug or kiss anymore; cried about the same things when my wife and I were falling apart several months ago.



Amber

[AllieSF]

Chris,

I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I have seen what happen to you also happen to a few other members who posted about here on the site. You know your situation better than anyone else. However, I recommend, and also think that you will anyway, keep in touch with her and keep the line of communication open. She has been presented with a very big shock and now needs to get her mind around it. It may take awhile, but after 30+ years, I think that the love has not gone away, it is just on hold for now. I wish you the best and send you a big hug.

[Brigid]

I'm very sorry. I hope thinks will work out. I came out to my wife after 15 years of marriage and thankfully things are ok. But I know if I came out in the beginning I would not be married and I would not have my wonderful son so I understand why you didn't come out earlier. Hopefully in time she will realize the wonderful person she loved was a result of the feminine side that really was there even when you weren't dressed. I hope things better for you.

[Flent]

chrismy, is there any way she might agree to couselling? Or to taking a 'wait and see' approach if you get counselling/therapy yourself? You really have nothing to lose… she is probably very hurt and angry right now, but maybe you could try writing her a letter suggesting it and letting her know how much you love her and want to make your relationship work.

[Inna]

Chrismy, I know there are no words which can help to heel your broken heart, no statement which can ease the pain, but I am so proud of you girl, so proud of you finally letting go of hiding and allowing the truth to see light of a day. What ever happens you shall be free of the heavy burden of deceit. And all is not lost, it takes time for us to get ready it also takes time for our loved ones to come around to the inevitable truth about us. It isn't easy for anyone in fact this is one of the hardest things to admit and you did it. To me this is the sign of greatest strength and character in human to against all adds embrace truth no matter the consequence.

All the love girl, Inna

[Chickhe]

Shoulda, coulda... only you know what was possible, sometimes life really really sucks...sorry to hear your bad news.

[sandra-leigh]

thanks to all for your empathy. i do appreciate it more than u will ever know.
@JessHaust ... refer to my earlier post ,,, save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think

So you care what people think but only if they agree with you? That's.... a fascinating exercise in logic, I guess would be one way to phrase it.

how old r u? what do you know of life to question my life of almost 6 decades? nothing is the correct answer

Jess is not much younger than you are. You didn't even look at her profile before deciding on her ignorance of life. You were unfair to her, in my opinion.

It so happens that I disagree with Jess that we all know from a young age, but my response would be that she is not taking some factors in to account in that judgement, rather than saying that she knows nothing.

If it matters: Yes, I am out to my wife, and to all of my living immediate family, and all of my doctors and therapists, and to pretty much everyone in the city except for officially saying something at work (I just present on the female side at work without explaining why.) I live with the consequences literally every single day, not just a couple of hours a month.

I respect you for telling your wife. I do not respect you for trying to apply prior-restraint-of-speech to the allowable responses.

[sterling12]

God, I hope you didn't reach your decision to tell, because you thought a bunch of people on here giving opinions were forcing you to do that! Ultimately, all we do is create a lot of new ideas, and one should treat it like "A Sampler." They are Opinions/Ideas to kick around, and perhaps give you a bit of insight. But YOU still have to make The Final Decision.

Having said all that, I am sorry for you that it happened. But, lets explore some new ideas that might give you some solace, might give you some hope.

First Thought.....you now have a new opportunity. Chrismy now has a new opportunity to NOT jump back into a relationship, and explore whom it is that inhabits your body. All those thoughts, fantasies, "What if's," that you probably have, just might get answered. If you want, you can spend a lot of free time as your femme-self and find out what you want to know about some lifelong gender issues. But, You will also be making a new beginning about EVERYTHING. That can be scary, or it could turn out to be The Best Thing to ever happen to you. "Is The Glass half full, or half empty?" Now YOU get to decide.

Second Thought.....Quite often over time, couples grow apart. Although there's usually one incident which everyone will ascribe to being The Reason, often it's many small things that just built up over time. The Expression might just be: "Looking for an excuse," if you understand that concept. Transgender isn't usually "The Deal Breaker," and it's probable that it shouldn't be blamed for everything that went wrong. Ask yourself a simple question: "Do you really believe that if you had done something differently, it would have changed the eventual outcome?" I'll bet that if you really think back, you sort of "saw this coming." Normally, it takes months to years for people to make their seemingly quick decisions.

I think your original Post implies that this is a Done Deal! I have responded like that is so, and have tried to offer some useful info. If The Marriage isn't over, then by all means try to work things out. But if all is "kaput", do your grieving. Work through things and GROW! If it gets rough, find professional help. "Today is the first day of The Rest of your Life," Try to treat it that way.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Contessa]

I came out to my wife also after 38 years, and why didn't I tell her before. I didn't realize that I was and I only did it sometime. I don't know why she never suspected something. Anyway I am still sorry to hear we are in the same boat. We should talk if we see each other topside. I am not trying to be funny, it just seems too similar to my situation.

Tess

[DanaR]

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, it is sad. One of my fears, for girls that haven't told their SO's, is that the SO finds out on their own and formulates a course of action before you were to find out that they know.

It probably doesn't mean much, but I'm sorry.

[Aylineira]

I am sorry to hear that Chrismy.

I must say that after reading over your old posts it seemed like she was taking to the idea very well. What happened?

Did you go too fast showing her your whole side of being a CD before she was actually ready?

Forgive my curiosity but from your last post to this... it just seems like a big drop off.

Please do not blast me, if you don't feel like sharing then just ignore my post. However we are here to listen to your side of the story.

[Noortje]

That's really sad... I hope the breakup was at least somewhat amicable? Maybe there is still hope for a positive relationship in the future, even if it's not as close as before.

I think telling your wife was very brave, even if the outcome was not as you (and we all) would have hoped. I hope this courage will help you find happiness again.

[muzzy]

I am so sorry to hear that...I had been with my gf for 6 months and decided to tell her after a couple of drinks and she was fantastic about it...now nearly every time she goes out she buys me a new pair of panties and maybe some lingerie...I'm lucky but there are plenty of women out there that love you for what you are and not the clothes you wear xoxo