worst idea ever ,,,,,,, to come out of closet to wife

[chrismy]

worst idea ever ,,,,,,, to come out of closet to wife ,,, ever ,,,, ever,,, ever,,, after 28 years of marriage .. 2 months later and it all crashes down. she feels sooo betrayed even though the only person i ever cheated on her with was myself. i will have to move shortly and give up a lifetime of hard work but even worse loose the warm hug and love of the person that means the most in the world to me. to all the gurls that will jump on the "ya shoulda told her from the beginning" bandwagon ..... save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think.

[goodnhose]

Sorry to hear about your crash but after 28 years with her a little more time seems to be in order for her to absorb this change in her life. I hope things straighten out for you and that you guys can work it out.

[Barbara Ella]

Chrismy, i am very sorry that it worked out this way for you and your wife. Please do not close the lines of communication with her. If she learns more about crossdressing she might be willing to talk. If she begins to understand what this means to you, she might be willing to talk some. Might not change her mind, but if she is talking she is learning. Only you know when the right time to tell her is/was no one can tell you that earlier would have been better. Dont harbor the idea that you cheated on her, you did not cheat. This is you. If you feel like that, she will pick up on it. Be positive and honest with her. Do not give up on you both.

Babes

[JessHaust]

I'm also sorry it worked out this way, but really you should have told her before you married. We all know, from a very early age, and we're just kidding ourselves, and hurting those we love, by keeping it a secret. It's never going away, we will never be 'cured'. The sooner we accept ourselves, the sooner we can let others know and accept or reject us as we are, not who we pretend to be.

[Cynthia Anne]

Sorry I have to disagree with you! I think the worst Idea you ever had was the insane idea you have to move and give everything up you worked so hard for! Why do YOU have to leave! Think it over! The one that moves out WILL lose! Best of luck to you! Hugs!

[Silentpartner GG SO]

I am very sorry to hear that things have worked out this way for you chrismy - I can only imagine how hard it is for anyone to reveal this to their wife/SO. I dont know how long since you told her but maybe she will come around in time - at the moment she is probably very hurt, frightened and confused - and worried about what neighbours,friends,family might think if they find out. I guess it depends how far you want to take the dressing as to whether it is possible, or you even want, to keep it from friends & family.

You havent cheated on your wife - good grief, dont beat yourself up that way - just my opinion but having been through my huband's infidelity and now being told about the CD'ing - I know which I'd prefer if I'd had a choice! unfortunately I got both! But we're still together.

So sad that she couldn't see past her selfishness and try to learn more about the why and how to understand how you feel. Women have a tendency to think and act with their emotion first and then what their friends think before acting on knowledge and reason. It sounds to me that telling her from the start would have had the same effect as telling her now. I hope you are OK and please let us know how you are doing. Love the black dress and pearls BTW.

I dont think this is anything to do with selfishness - on either part - and please - not all of us think and act with our emotions first and certainly not all of us are more concerned with what our friends think.

I dont believe either party have been selfish here - chrismy did what she thought was best - came clean to her wife - ok she hid it for years but lets face it, most of us tell lies or hide truths at some time or other - its human nature not to want people to think bad of you and its no point bolting the stable door once the horse has gone.

Chrismy's wife has had a huge shock, she thought she knew the man she married, after all those years she probably didnt think there was anything she didnt know about him - now she finds there a whole other side she knew nothing about - she will take time to come terms with this, maybe she will never come to terms with it - andif thats the case well its very very sad but its not her fault and its certainly not selfish!

Maybe it is a case of you were both drifting apart and the CD'ing revelation has been used as a "get out excuse" - only you and your wife know that Chrismy but I 'd not be in a rush to move out - unless you honestly think that there is no hope for your marriage.

I wish you all the best and hope that both you and your wife can find happiness, whether it be together or apart.

I have been accused of being bigotted and narrow minded in the past - however I have accepted my husband's CD'ing, as I forgave him his infidelity - because deep down there was always love - if you still have love for each other then maybe there is still hope

[Eryn]

I'm also sorry it worked out this way, but really you should have told her before you married. We all know, from a very early age...

No we don't all know. It is possible to have "feelings" but manage to submerge them for most of our lives. I can only speak for myself, but I had been married for over 20 years before I realized exactly what those "feelings" were. I find it hard to believe that my situation is unique.

Chrismy, I hope that you don't give up on your wife. You didn't cheat on her, but apparently she isn't yet prepared to deal with the present situation. I find it hard to believe that she would be anxious to give up a 28 year marriage unless there are factors that we don't know about. It won't hurt you to give her more time and keep the lines of communication open.

[linda allen]

I'm also sorry it worked out this way, but really you should have told her before you married. We all know, from a very early age, and we're just kidding ourselves, and hurting those we love, by keeping it a secret. It's never going away, we will never be 'cured'. The sooner we accept ourselves, the sooner we can let others know and accept or reject us as we are, not who we pretend to be.

You know, we don't all know before we get married. Sometimes it starts later in life or it comes and goes. I remember when I first started dating my wife I had a lot more on my mind and was probably not dressing much back then. Even what I did was just a bra and homemade forms in private.

Each of us, each of our wives, and each of our relationships is different. A blanket statement like yours doesn't work for everyone.

And BTW, anyone who really wants to quit dressing can do so, just like they can quit smoking or drinking. You just have to want to quit badly enough.

[whowhatwhen]

And BTW, anyone who really wants to quit dressing can do so, just like they can quit smoking or drinking. You just have to want to quit badly enough.

This is where lots of huge problems start, people thinking they can just 'quit' a part of themselves and move on in life.
So they get married and surprise surprise, guess what comes bubbling back to the surface?

We see this example often with threads like these when the guy can't hold back his feelings and expresses his true self to his wife, who becomes understandably upset at her husband who hid a huge part of himself from her for (x) years.
Anyone getting acceptance from their wife at that point is lucky as hell.

The moral appears to be that before you get serious you must tell him or her that you're a crossdresser, there are too many examples of people hiding this and it blowing up spectacularly.
You cannot hide who you are and trying to do so in a relationship is going to hurt someone else too and really that's just very unfair.

[Katesback]

But telling is a lot different than what often happens. I mean often the wife is actually somewhat ok with it at the start but then the pink fog takes over the CD and the freight train rolls through the wives house. I think that a lot of CDs mistakenly think that telling the wife and then getting some sort of approval means the wife wants to be involved in the CD activities. I dare say most women dont want anything to do with it.

Katie

[chrismy]

many thanks to everyone here for thier opinions. a lot of good stuff from which i will take a lot. ) what a forum with many unique insights... my thanks again ... chris
ps .... took some time out for myself today and had big hair thursday a day early .... 4 hours to make my hair do this .... worth every minute and felt out of this world....

[Leelou]

I'm so sorry. This is still fresh so hope things can be worked out--especially after so many years. I know you don't want to hear that you should have told her from the beginning, and I understand that, but stories like yours do have an important role in this forum. Maybe if we don't come clean early it's best to stay in the closet, I don't know, I've heard all the stories over the last few years since I've joined.

I was in the closet in my marriage and I'm glad I did so because I didn't come clean up front. We divorced for different reasons. I'm sure she would have divorced me for it. I knew I should have been honest upfront, but I didn't. Once you've entered into the marriage under the lie, you have to make the choice to come clean or not. I hope these threads help others that are deciding to marry or those that are already there.

Anyway, thanks for opening up to us and I wish you both the best.

[chrismy]

thanks to all for your empathy. i do appreciate it more than u will ever know.
@JessHaust ... refer to my earlier post ,,, save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think. how old r u? what do you know of life to question my life of almost 6 decades? nothing is the correct answer. it must be nice to be so young and have all the correct answers ... (sarcasm ... for your understanding) ....

[whowhatwhen]

thanks to all for your empathy. i do appreciate it more than u will ever know.
@JessHaust ... refer to my earlier post ,,, save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think. how old r u? what do you know of life to question my life of almost 6 decades? nothing is the correct answer. it must be nice to be so young and have all the correct answers ... (sarcasm ... for your understanding) ....

I don't think her post was meant to insult you, but to point out to others who may be reading this thread that there are very real consequences to entering a relationship and keeping part of yourself secret.
That being said I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope you can work it out.

[AmberDay]

I want to say I'm sorry for what you are going through. I can sympathize with the not having someone to hug or kiss anymore; cried about the same things when my wife and I were falling apart several months ago.



Amber

[AllieSF]

Chris,

I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I have seen what happen to you also happen to a few other members who posted about here on the site. You know your situation better than anyone else. However, I recommend, and also think that you will anyway, keep in touch with her and keep the line of communication open. She has been presented with a very big shock and now needs to get her mind around it. It may take awhile, but after 30+ years, I think that the love has not gone away, it is just on hold for now. I wish you the best and send you a big hug.

[Marleena]

I'm so sorry too. It's kind of a slap in the face with a sinking feeling. You come clean and that's what you get. I hope things get better after she has some time to digest it all. All the best to you Chrismy! Hang in there..

[sandra-leigh]

thanks to all for your empathy. i do appreciate it more than u will ever know.
@JessHaust ... refer to my earlier post ,,, save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think

So you care what people think but only if they agree with you? That's.... a fascinating exercise in logic, I guess would be one way to phrase it.

how old r u? what do you know of life to question my life of almost 6 decades? nothing is the correct answer

Jess is not much younger than you are. You didn't even look at her profile before deciding on her ignorance of life. You were unfair to her, in my opinion.

It so happens that I disagree with Jess that we all know from a young age, but my response would be that she is not taking some factors in to account in that judgement, rather than saying that she knows nothing.

If it matters: Yes, I am out to my wife, and to all of my living immediate family, and all of my doctors and therapists, and to pretty much everyone in the city except for officially saying something at work (I just present on the female side at work without explaining why.) I live with the consequences literally every single day, not just a couple of hours a month.

I respect you for telling your wife. I do not respect you for trying to apply prior-restraint-of-speech to the allowable responses.

[JessHaust]

thanks to all for your empathy. i do appreciate it more than u will ever know.
@JessHaust ... refer to my earlier post ,,, save it. i dont give a rats azz what u think. how old r u? what do you know of life to question my life of almost 6 decades? nothing is the correct answer. it must be nice to be so young and have all the correct answers ... (sarcasm ... for your understanding) ....

53, married 32 years. She has know for 35 years.
And you are right that last 7 years age difference changes everything, I'm just young and stupid, but not so stupid as to lie to my wife to be.

[Swottie]

53, married 32 years. She has know for 55 years.
And you are right that last 7 years age difference changes everything, I'm just young and stupid, but not so stupid as to lie to my wife to be.

LOL Jess, it was actually amusing to find that you're at most just 7 years younger than Chrismy... while IMO the "how old are you" comment was extremely rude, you did ask for it by looking more like 43 in your avatar. *wink*

As for the "should have told her" thing... if only life can be as black and white.

[Josie M]

I am so sorry to hear this....I hope this somehow works itself out, it's clear that you love her very much....

[chrismy]

@Leelou - Maybe if we don't come clean early it's best to stay in the closet. .... i know i would be voting for your position if i had more sense. @Eryn - wife says its the hardest thing she has ever faced but cannot deal with it. we have been through so much in 3 decades (have children also, but she says that "I actually care about what people think about you, especially your children so if they are told it will be by you" ... i so love her even as she rejects spending the rest of her life with me. sooo sad for us all.

[Brigid]

I'm very sorry. I hope thinks will work out. I came out to my wife after 15 years of marriage and thankfully things are ok. But I know if I came out in the beginning I would not be married and I would not have my wonderful son so I understand why you didn't come out earlier. Hopefully in time she will realize the wonderful person she loved was a result of the feminine side that really was there even when you weren't dressed. I hope things better for you.

[Flent]

chrismy, is there any way she might agree to couselling? Or to taking a 'wait and see' approach if you get counselling/therapy yourself? You really have nothing to lose… she is probably very hurt and angry right now, but maybe you could try writing her a letter suggesting it and letting her know how much you love her and want to make your relationship work.

[Inna]

Chrismy, I know there are no words which can help to heel your broken heart, no statement which can ease the pain, but I am so proud of you girl, so proud of you finally letting go of hiding and allowing the truth to see light of a day. What ever happens you shall be free of the heavy burden of deceit. And all is not lost, it takes time for us to get ready it also takes time for our loved ones to come around to the inevitable truth about us. It isn't easy for anyone in fact this is one of the hardest things to admit and you did it. To me this is the sign of greatest strength and character in human to against all adds embrace truth no matter the consequence.

All the love girl, Inna