Why I didn't, Why I finally did

[Aloha Jayne]

Ok, there are a couple of threads going about DADT and a very strong feedback about why did you not tell before you got married, and why did you tell now. Here it is for me:

When I met my current SO, she and I both had had a couple of rough years. She was getting over a divorce from a 15 year marriage. I had lost my dad and lost my way about the same time. I found a good counselor I could talk to about a lot of things. CDing was only part of it, but mostly about why my dad was an SOB and why I had always hated myself. Short story: I'm actually a cool dude, and the only person that hated me was myself. I lost a bunch of weight and was for the first time in my life in a really good place.

Then I met my SO at jury duty. We went back a year and a half later to the same court room and had the same judge marry us. It even made the papers. And life was wonderful. I became a husband, step dad, dog owner and mortgage holder all in one afternoon. I purged all my things and was pretty sure the CDing thing was behind me. I had a wonderful wife, and wouldn't need it again. This was still before the internet and forums like this. There was very little information, if any, about what this is and what the long term effects are. Was this even a thing? I wasn't sure.

23 years later, I now know that it will never be behind me. My choices were to man-up and forget this exsited, which I can't. Or finally come clean with her, in hopes that we can move past this. Turns out, she has been blocking repressed anger from when she previously found my things 12 years ago, and she needs to deal with that. I have made no demands of her, and have asked for nothing. I told her that I only wanted her to know that I am being honest with her, and she means the world to me. And I am sorry for doing this to her because she is the last person on the planet that deserves this.


We are talking, but trying to find a couples therapist without any agendas, for or against CDing. I want to work this out with her and finally have an open and honest relationship that I don't think we have ever had. My fault not her's.

Comments?

[StacyPump]

I think it's a great move to try and start talking about the repressed stuff. I also think it's probably a really good move to do with this a good couple's counselor. The challenge might be to find one who has some experience with CD/TG.

[Aylineira]

More true to life tales. I think it's important for everyone to know the difficulties some of us face as a CD.

I hope things turn out for the best for you Aloha Jayne

[STACY B]

Someones been a bad girl !!! Thats nothing but medapause ,, Your just going threw a change of life thats all ,, All that dressin up bizzness will pass ,, Just give it some time . About another 23 years an yull be fine .

[sandra-leigh]

My wife and I went to a couples therapist for a bit. The CD'ing was mentioned in the very first session as part of the background of all the various things we are going through. It wasn't The Big Thing, but it was big enough that it needed to be said to provide context. My wife happened to mention it first, and I had no problem with that at all: I didn't consider it "my" secret, and absolutely intended to introduce the subject, it just happened my wife said something about it first.

The therapist didn't seem to be bothered or concerned about my CD'ing except in-so-far as it affected our relationship. Instead, the beginning of the second session the therapist went very bluntly to the much more important question of whether we even wanted to be together, as the therapist couldn't see anything other than inertia holding us together. If both of us wanted to be together, then we could start from that and build towards trust and coping, but until we knew ourselves that we at least wanted to make things work, then there wasn't any point in trying to work out solutions to the various problems we had identified.

Shock tactics, perhaps, very sobering, but for me it cut to the heart of my situation.

That therapist had no agenda about CD'ing: that therapist had an agenda about relationships. It could have been bowling we had been talking about.

Maybe we got lucky that way, but it didn't feel like we "just happened upon" someone neutral. On the other hand, the city I live in can be pretty open minded (as long as it doesn't involve cutting down elm trees or spraying to control mosquitoes!)

[kimdl93]

I hope when you get into therapy that you both can realize that this is not your fault and that you're not "doing" anything to harm your wife. It feels that way now, because of the way she has reacted to the information. That's a choice she's making. She may justify it on moral grounds or some underlying fears or misconceptions. Nevertheless, the issue that needs to be addressed is how her view of CDing will impact upon the relationship.

Back when I was in therapy, one of the things I began to address was my tendency to react with angry rage to things I didn't like. What I finally learned was that anger isn't a required response to any situation...its a choice. Similarly, anger, fear and distrust need not be the response to the knowledge that a spouse cross dresses.

I wish you both the best of luck in working through this.

[Foxglove]

Aloha Jayne, I can relate to this. Probably a lot of people can.

It's in the past. It's not necessary any more. I always felt ashamed and guilty about it anyway. I don't even want to think about it any more. Think about what? I don't know. I've forgotten.

But it never forgets you.

Best wishes, Annabelle

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

I started dressing at 6 or 7 and that was back in the early, early 60's. I really thought that I was one sick SOB and nobody else in the world was this "weird". We didn't have all the knowledge we have now so I held onto that belief all the way into my 20's and 30's for the most part. I married my wife at 29 and wish that I would have told her everything but I waited 19 years, it was a huge betrayal, a lie for 19 years and I never lie to her. I wish that everyone in there teens that wants to do this has the support and love of family and friends to be open with there loved ones, it does in the long run make life so much easier.

[Foxglove]

I started dressing at 6 or 7 and that was back in the early, early 60's. I really thought that I was one sick SOB and nobody else in the world was this "weird".

I can relate to this, too. It explains why we don't tell. Who's going to tell his prospective bride, "By the way, I'm one sick SOB and nobody in the world is as weird as me"?

If we knew that we weren't actually sick, then we could tell. They might not marry us--but we'd know that it's alright, in fact imperative, to tell.

Annabelle

[Cheryl T]

It's who you are....not what you do!

You can put it behind you...but it runs faster when you're not looking...and almost always catches up to us.

[Miriam-J]

I've seen you working through the process on this forum in recent weeks, Jayne, and I feel so much admiration for the courage and sensitivity you've shown. It's also sounded like your wife wants to find a way to make it work, but has a lot to get her head around. I think Sandra-Leigh's experience with therapy could be a good path for you if you find the right therapist.

I've reflected a lot about you and the others who've been going through this in recent weeks. There are so many of our age group who grew up assuming that we were alone and freaks, without the support of others in any meaningful way. I wonder how many years it's going to take to clear this backlog of closet dwellers before our children's more open generation can become the norm. In the meantime, it's going to be the same difficult path for so many. I'm glad to see that you've chosen one of the best considered and sensitive paths to this matter among those I've seen here. I wish you so much good fortune as you move forward.

Miriam

[Jenniferathome]

Fantastic news! Once the communication line is open, regardless of why or via what channel, you can reach a resolution. My bet would be she appreciates the honesty and wishes it never occurred, but now she can at least digest the "why" and reach an informed conclusion. It may be against you but at least it's honest and open. You can't lose.

[JessHaust]

Jayne,
You are a honest, plesant personable guy (sorry girls for the guy reference, but thats how we were when we met). From our conversation I can tell you are honestly trying to figure this thing out, and that you care for your wife deeply. Unless you are married to a deaf, blind woman, she will see this. Just take your time with her and no more surprises!
Good luck, but I don't think you will need it.

[Aloha Jayne]

Jayne,
You are a honest, plesant personable guy (sorry girls for the guy reference, but thats how we were when we met). From our conversation I can tell you are honestly trying to figure this thing out, and that you care for your wife deeply. Unless you are married to a deaf, blind woman, she will see this. Just take your time with her and no more surprises!
Good luck, but I don't think you will need it.

Thanks Jess,

Right now it seems like it will take a miracle, but maybe someday she and I can be out with you and yours. That would be nice.

[Karenmarie]

It was VERY scary for me with my 2nd. wife. She is VERY old fashioned, and we were a little older, and again, I thought that "it" might be over and also was super afraid that she would leave even before we got married. This was a major mistake, I should have told her right up front....I knew that I should but was too much of a coward to do it. Take your time, as much as possible, like Jess said above and keep it real slow. I'm not much for giving advice, but hopefully she really loves you and will understand.

[Jacqueline Winona]

Jayne, don't fault yourself for doing what you thought was right, there's no blame here, you are being as honest with yourself and her as you can. And keep trying, the marriage is obviously part of what makes your life special, and I really commend you for trying so hard. Just try to live one day, eveyr day, tomorrow will come soon enough and you can't get yesterday back.