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Thread: Is coming out to the SO?

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    Junior Member corrinediane's Avatar
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    Is coming out to the SO?

    I've been reading a lot here about the gurls coming out to their spouses. This forum is a great place for me and many others but.... I worry about the gurls that read the posts about coming out and it gets them into a craze that is more harmful than good. My opinion is most gg's wont understand and will more than likely leave you without a thought. We all look for the acceptance, desire it, but be smart. We've all built lives with our girlfriends/wives and is it really worth it? I don't want to see a wave of "coming outs" and lives and relationships destroyed because of an "online" forum. We exist in cyberspace, not real life. If it all goes wrong are you strong enough to be alone, with your computer and your cyberspace friends while your life is in shambles and only some clothes to keep you company? It is up to the individual but are you ready for the ensuing fight? The questions? The accusations? I'm just worried that we are causing a fad so to speak. One with a potential to ruin lives world wide. Be smart gurls. That's all I want to say.

  2. #2
    Member tiffanyjo89's Avatar
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    That's why I feel that coming out should be done before marriage, and that a disclaimer should be attached to this site somehow that the website isn't responsible for the outcome of its members postings.

    Also, if crossdressing is a big enough part of your life that you can't give it up for a girlfriend, and that girlfriend can't accept it, she probably wasn't right for you anyway.
    I'm a guy who likes girls, I just like a little more about them than the average guy.

  3. #3
    abbyleigh
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    I couldn't agree more with you Corrine. Perhaps when possible this issue should be presented to your prospective partner very early...The sooner that this lifestyle is revealed to your new partner the less it becomes an issue later... Nothing like being candid and honest... And Realizing that there are others that seemingly acknowledge this lifestyle later on into a relationship i.e. marriage then it becomes a very personal family oriented revelation... We all should be very aware of our spouse's ability to receive and accept this new revelation... So prior to revealing same be very aware of your spouse's behavior towards accepting your femininity... Not all, in fact few, ggs are yet comfortable in accepting their partner's femininity...

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    Member Aloha Jayne's Avatar
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    Very good points. I am one of the ones who recently came out to their SO. Not because of this site, but because it was time. However, I have had a very strong marriage and I knew what kind of reaction my SO would have. Not good. But I could just not keep this to myself any longer and I was ready for the consequences. We are mostly all adults here, and we must all be responsible for our actions. But be sure you are ready to deal with a situation you may not like before you make any decisions. She is going to see a therapist and I have my fingers crossed, but am ready whatever happens.
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  5. #5
    In transmission whowhatwhen's Avatar
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    I think it comes down to either you telling her or her discovering it, either way you're just delaying the inevitable.

  6. #6
    Member Emily Barton's Avatar
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    I think it's quite important to ask yourself a lot of questions before coming out to your SO. Until you at least start to understand yourself, and how large a part of you crossdressing is, you're not going to be well-equipped to deal with questions or to explain what CDing is about for you. When I 'came out' to my SO over a year ago I made a real mess of it, and when she asked me why I did it I didn't have an answer prepared. A year on I know that, were that question to arise again, I'd be able to give a far more elaborate and accurate response than the lame one I gave then. As it is, I blurted it out early and it hasn't been mentioned since, probably because I played it down at the time and because she's not keen on it (and to some extent in denial about the whole thing).
    I fully agree with the points made in the original post and, whilst I will have to readdress the issue with my SO eventually, it's something I will hold off on until I'm good and ready.

  7. #7
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by corrinediane View Post
    I've been reading a lot here about the gurls coming out to their spouses. This forum is a great place for me and many others but.... I worry about the gurls that read the posts about coming out and it gets them into a craze that is more harmful than good. My opinion is most gg's wont understand and will more than likely leave you without a thought.
    I think that you underestimate GGs.

    In a situation where the GG is a girlfriend of a few weeks or months you might be right. She has little invested in the relationship and will probably kick the CDer to the curb and move on.

    In a relationship of years the chances of a good outcome is much better. Both parties have a considerable investment in the relationship and the woman's decision becomes whether the CDing is a large enough issue to make her want to lose her investment.

    My belief is that a woman in a strong relationship with a newly-revealed CDer will very likely stay in it, viewing CDing as merely a bump in the road of life.

    If the relationship is already shaky, a revelation of CDing can be used as an excellent excuse to end it, but if it weren't CDing another excuse would be found.

    So, before having "the talk" it would be best to cast a critical eye on one's relationship with one's SO. If it has some cracks, attend to them first!
    Eryn
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  8. #8
    Aspiring Member Silentpartner GG SO's Avatar
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    I think its a case of "damned if you do, and damned if you dont"

    Unless you are incredibly good at keeping things hidden to the point of a military exercise then it is almost inevitable that the SO will discover you sooner or later.

    My husband felt very similarly to Aloha Jayne - he just couldnt keep it in any longer and even though he suspected my reaction wouldn't be accepting (he was wrong) he couldnt carry on with the secrecy and hiding. He was prepared for the possibility that it could end our marriage so I know how much it must have been bothering him - not many people will do something that could potentially end a 31 year relationship unless they are desperate.

    As it turned out, I was really quite ok with it - I dont want the CD'ing to come into the bedroom and I dont like the leg shaving but apart from that, he can dress more or less when he wants to and if he ever decides he want to go out dressed, I will do all I can to help him and most certainly would be happy to accompany him. He did say there were times when I came home earlier than expected from a day out and almost caught him which really pushed him towards realising he had to come clean and tell me before I discovered by accident.

    All that being said, I think the OP makes some very good points - cyber friends are great but when you're all alone in your hotel bedroom or your cheap little flat because the wife has kicked you out, cyber friends are not much consolation. Telling is surely something that needs much careful thought, consideration and planning - oh and a lot of guts!

    Your post crossed with mine Eryn but I agree with everything you say
    Last edited by Silentpartner GG SO; 03-24-2012 at 03:06 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by corrinediane View Post
    I've been reading a lot here about the gurls coming out to their spouses. This forum is a great place for me and many others but.... I worry about the gurls that read the posts about coming out and it gets them into a craze that is more harmful than good. My opinion is most gg's wont understand and will more than likely leave you without a thought. We all look for the acceptance, desire it, but be smart. We've all built lives with our girlfriends/wives and is it really worth it? I don't want to see a wave of "coming outs" and lives and relationships destroyed because of an "online" forum. We exist in cyberspace, not real life. If it all goes wrong are you strong enough to be alone, with your computer and your cyberspace friends while your life is in shambles and only some clothes to keep you company? It is up to the individual but are you ready for the ensuing fight? The questions? The accusations? I'm just worried that we are causing a fad so to speak. One with a potential to ruin lives world wide. Be smart gurls. That's all I want to say.
    Is the relationship really worth it if you have to hide from your SO?
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  10. #10
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    "My opinion is most gg's wont understand and will more than likely leave you without a thought."

    I completely disagree. While i expect that most women wont get it, would rather it was not so, and will have fears of of possible homosexuality, women are better than us they have a capacity to empathize far greater than we. If a relationship is fragile, crossdressing can push it over the edge but what you suggest is no relationship at all.

  12. #12
    Junior Member corrinediane's Avatar
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    All of the thought that's going into this is what was intended. The point here is our forum is just a place we come to in cyber space to write our piece. To read and digest, perhaps learn a few things but it's just cyber space. Whether I underestimate gg's, read the forum. More gurls are alienated from their spouses then the ones that find meaningful success. Some loose them all together. Meaningful success? What is it to each of us? Now you won't get caught but she frowns upon you. What success is that? She lets you do it but won't participate. Gee, what fun. Your "coming out" makes her go to a therapist? I don't want to do that much harm to someone I love, who loves me or the me she thinks I am. The whole reason to come out is we are tired of being alone in this pink world of ours. Naturally we crave to be with others. Maybe Eryn is rite, the longer your with someone the greater your chance of success. I just read a coming out post the other day of 28 years down the drain. I don't want anyone to believe this "place" will be there for them when they are alone and miserable. Look at how we are separated geographically. How many of us have actually talked to one another? Can the gurls that come out in disaster call you? Can she come and stay on your couch? This is suppose to scare the shit out of all the closeted CD's that think they find strength here. I don't want "coming out" to be a fad to the readers and members of this forum. Be smart!!!!
    Last edited by corrinediane; 03-24-2012 at 04:28 PM.

  13. #13
    The Art of Heels Kristyn Hill's Avatar
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    I agree CorrineD. I came out completely 2 weeks ago not because of this forum but it did help me fully understand who I am and that I was not going to feel shame about it one day longer. After 2 weeks of self debate, thoughts about all aspects and phases, I told her. In my case, I had already worn hose and heels in front of her during certain intimate times, etc. As Kaz stated in my last post about the clothes my wife and I purchased Thursday, We were on separate ends of polarity to the thoughts on my dressing. Yes, I loved it, when intimate,but longed for more. My coming out went well with lots of associated questions and there will be more but I believe your thought provoking thread was needed. I had success and a lot of others have too but if it would of went the other way................I don't know the rest of that story.
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  14. #14
    Administrator Tamara Croft's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eryn View Post
    I think that you underestimate GGs.

    In a situation where the GG is a girlfriend of a few weeks or months you might be right. She has little invested in the relationship and will probably kick the CDer to the curb and move on.
    I think you underestimate us too! I was with my partner about 3 months when he told me.... still here, 13 years later....
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  15. #15
    Junior Member KelleyG's Avatar
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    I came out to my SO about 2 months ago or so. I would not have done it (I don't think) if I had not had some sort of idea of her reaction. I was pretty sure she would be okay with it and she was. I knew how strong our marriage is and how open minded my wife is. I'm not saying it was easy and there were a few rough nights and hard questions but, all in all I new it would most likely turn out okay. So far for me, it was the best thing I did. (it's only been a few months but she has been very supportive and helpful)

    With that being said...

    I do agree with the OP in the sense that anyone thinking of letting their SO know needs to really think about it before hand and have some sort of idea of how you think your SO will react to the news. If you have been with your wife for a long time you should, I would think, have some sort of ideal of how she might react, but keep in mind it could go very wrong and you would have to be ready to deal with the outcome.

    I also agree with WhoWhatWhen, sooner or later you might just get caught and then you possibly have two things to deal with, your CDing and the fact that you lied to her all those years. It is a tough situation to be in for some and even a harder decision.

    Like Tiffanyjo said, It would be best to let them know up front if you can, I didn't do this, but looking back wished I had the strength to do so years ago.

    Kelley
    Last edited by KelleyG; 03-24-2012 at 10:35 PM. Reason: to make it more clear

  16. #16
    Junior Member corrinediane's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jenniferathome View Post
    "My opinion is most gg's wont understand and will more than likely leave you without a thought."

    I completely disagree. While i expect that most women wont get it, would rather it was not so, and will have fears of of possible homosexuality, women are better than us they have a capacity to empathize far greater than we. If a relationship is fragile, crossdressing can push it over the edge but what you suggest is no relationship at all.
    That's my point. In your circumstance you made it work. In Chrismy circumstance she lost everything. Your opinions on women are your opinions. And btw, when did I say to not have a relationship at all? The whole point to this thread is to make them think. We should go back and read how many of the gurls that came out to their SO's and are still dressing alone. But hey, at least we won't get caught right?. Tiff is going to write the disclaimer for those that lack sound judgment or overestimated their SO's..

  17. #17
    Administrator Di's Avatar
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    I also think that you underestimate us ( gg's)

    Of course the best way would be talking about it before the relationship gets more serious.( yes I get it- some think it will go away)

    But knowing afterwards.....give us some credit.

    Besides the way I see it , that’s not much of a relationship hiding a HUGE part of it and I would you want to waste my time with that kind of relationship. ( just my opinion)
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  18. #18
    BDSM Queen sexycrossdresser's Avatar
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    I am most of the time online , alone !. I do have relationships, but for very small periods.NOTHING SERIOUS TOO ! CANT have them here !

    So everything is fine with me . But other girls should not tell their spouses what they do, but first have discussion in a different manner. Like ,
    talk about someone who does crossdressing and her spouse like it. Then see what your partner says , if the discussion goes long and nice.

    Tell that you wanna try and so on ..
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  19. #19
    Silver Member Inna's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by corrinediane View Post
    I've been reading a lot here about the gurls coming out to their spouses. This forum is a great place for me and many others but.... I worry about the gurls that read the posts about coming out and it gets them into a craze that is more harmful than good. My opinion is most gg's wont understand and will more than likely leave you without a thought. We all look for the acceptance, desire it, but be smart. We've all built lives with our girlfriends/wives and is it really worth it? I don't want to see a wave of "coming outs" and lives and relationships destroyed because of an "online" forum. We exist in cyberspace, not real life. If it all goes wrong are you strong enough to be alone, with your computer and your cyberspace friends while your life is in shambles and only some clothes to keep you company? It is up to the individual but are you ready for the ensuing fight? The questions? The accusations? I'm just worried that we are causing a fad so to speak. One with a potential to ruin lives world wide. Be smart gurls. That's all I want to say.
    Ruined lives.............it is essential to understand who we are, yet, I my self didn't know that until 42birthday, yes I did know who everybody else needed for me to be, but I, had no clue other then I am not me.
    I lived status quo, wife, kid, carrier, huge house, 4car garage, 6figure earnings, president of corporation, respected business(fake)man and all that was simply an illusion.

    So, coming out is it potentially disastrous, NO, it is not potentially disastrous, it is "DEFINITELY" disastrous but freeing in the same sense. As phrase from bible, "I once was blind but now I can see!"

    truth hurts like hell, but given what I had to survive, and become genuine and real in truth, I wish this hurt on anyone seeking freedom!

  20. #20
    Platinum Member Eryn's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tamara Croft View Post
    I think you underestimate us too! I was with my partner about 3 months when he told me.... still here, 13 years later....
    I should have left the word "months" out of the post, but I realize that there are some people who take longer to develop committed relationships. There are no absolutes in human behavior, just probabilities.
    Eryn
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  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by corrinediane View Post
    And btw, when did I say to not have a relationship at all?
    you misread my post. I wrote that a relationship as you suggestd, one where the wife will leave "without a thought," is no relationship. I made no commentary about your situation.

  22. #22
    Member Aloha Jayne's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by corrinediane View Post
    All of the thought that's going into this is what was intended. The point here is our forum is just a place we come to in cyber space to write our piece. To read and digest, perhaps learn a few things but it's just cyber space. Whether I underestimate gg's, read the forum. More gurls are alienated from their spouses then the ones that find meaningful success. Some loose them all together. Meaningful success? What is it to each of us? Now you won't get caught but she frowns upon you. What success is that? She lets you do it but won't participate. Gee, what fun. Your "coming out" makes her go to a therapist? I don't want to do that much harm to someone I love, who loves me or the me she thinks I am. The whole reason to come out is we are tired of being alone in this pink world of ours. Naturally we crave to be with others. Maybe Eryn is rite, the longer your with someone the greater your chance of success. I just read a coming out post the other day of 28 years down the drain. I don't want anyone to believe this "place" will be there for them when they are alone and miserable. Look at how we are separated geographically. How many of us have actually talked to one another? Can the gurls that come out in disaster call you? Can she come and stay on your couch? This is suppose to scare the shit out of all the closeted CD's that think they find strength here. I don't want "coming out" to be a fad to the readers and members of this forum. Be smart!!!!
    Hey Corrine, thank you for this thread, very thought provoking. Yes I am risking losing a relationship that we have built for 23 years. And the thought of living the rest of my life alone sounds sad and pathetic. But my hope is that through honest communication we can find a way past this and ultimatley have a better relationship....time will tell. So my options were to keep this secret, and hope she never finds out, or give it up and die on the inside. Or be honest with her about who I am, knowing the pain and hurt it would cause. If I could not be honest about this part of me, then were we not really fooling ourselves about the depth of our trust and feelings for each other. I said she was seeing a therapist, what I should have said was, we are talking to a couples counselor to work through this. Should she decide that she cannot deal with this and I am left all alone, then I will have known that I tried my hardest to make this work, and was honest with myself and her. I can do no more than that.
    Last edited by Aloha Jayne; 03-24-2012 at 07:05 PM.
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  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eryn View Post

    In a relationship of years the chances of a good outcome is much better.!
    As of recent statistics, more that 52% of the married population are divorced, and it seems that it stays that way pretty much. and, most second marriages don't last either, because people have the bad habit of choosing basically the same type of partner. So in "ordinary" marriages if failure is that high, it has to be higher with CDs in the mix.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jenniferathome View Post
    "My opinion is most gg's wont understand and will more than likely leave you without a thought."

    I completely disagree. While i expect that most women wont get it, would rather it was not so, and will have fears of of possible homosexuality, women are better than us they have a capacity to empathize far greater than we. If a relationship is fragile, crossdressing can push it over the edge but what you suggest is no relationship at all.
    Perhaps sympathize, but empathy requires that the person has experienced the same thing, so that would mean that the wife in question would have been a crossdresser. I think perhaps your generalization is too broad.
    Last edited by Sandra; 03-25-2012 at 09:38 AM. Reason: merged consecutive posts please use multi quote function. Multi posting is not allowed..thankyou

  24. #24
    Swans have more fun! sandra-leigh's Avatar
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    My relationship was not strong when I told. There was a decided lack of communication between us about... well, about a lot of things. I had thinking to do about whether I wanted to be in the relationship or not; if I didn't want to be in the relationship, then it was time to break up and there wouldn't have been any reason to tell. But if I did want to be in the relationship, then I had to take action to at least try to communicate on meaningful issues: I had to tell and hope for the best. Yes, I could have kept it hidden longer in theory, and waited until she made some kind of attempt to reach out to me first, could have held a stubborn pride and said "Her first!". But serious working relationships aren't about who "owes" whom now, or about who gives in first, or about "taking turns" in being open: you have to transcend such things. So even though my relationship was not so good, once I decided that I did want to try rather than just leave, I had to open up.

    In my situation, it could easily have meant the end of my relationship, as we did not have happy decades for her memory to recall. I don't know why she didn't give up on me, but she didn't. I think if I had not been honest with her, I would have lost her, as it would have demonstrated to her that the relationship had broken down beyond repair.

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    I almost came out to my wife tonight. However, I'm terribly drunk, so it probably wouldn't have gone over so well, lol. I just need to find a way to build up the courage minus the vodka...
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