Is coming out to the SO?

[PretzelGirl]

I believe the GGs are being seriously misunderstood too. But we need to look deeper at the reasoning. It may be the CDing that is a problem sometimes. But if you follow a lot of the stories here it isn't the CDing. It is either that they are catching their spouse, which means it is a surprise, or they are being told well within the marriage. So if you are going to tell, you have to address all the issues. You just can't say I CD and that is it. If you waited well into the marriage, you have to address why it took so long.

[Kathy Smith]

IMHO if you love each other and are completely "at home" and comfortable with each other then the chances are that being honest and coming out to your SO won't be a problem. There is always the danger that you'll be found out at some stage anyway - and she won't be as accepting when she finds a frilly bra that isn't her size! GGs may be wonderful, but they aren't that wonderful. ;-) OTOH, if you argue a lot of the time or aren't on comfortable speaking terms then the chances are that that relationship is on the rocks anyway and revealing that you are CD/TS/TG probably isn't going to be a stabilising factor. Being found out under those circumstances is probably a quick way to that dingy hotel room.

Sue: you have a good point there. It's important to tell your SO all the what-why-whens when you tell her. Reveal everything and let her make her decision, being ready to add even more info if she asks for it. It's only fair, after all you are asking to rearrange not only her view of you but, to some extent, her life. That's a big, big change.

[Di]

From my post (#17)
I was just wanted to say I want my partner to be who they are and I want to be loved for who I am....the relationship would be empty hiding a big part of who someone is.

AND YOU KNOW YOUR RELATIONSHIP...i DO NOT...YOUR DECISION

BUT for the most part most GG's ( from working with GG's) the hardest part getting over is the feeling of being betrayed.( mostly finding out by accident)
And of course if things are already bad in other ways....well it is harder.( and sometimes the stick that broke the camels back)

I like what Sue wrote

So if you are going to tell, you have to address all the issues. You just can't say I CD and that is it. If you waited well into the marriage, you have to address why it took so long.

Yes PLEASE NOOOOO dressing up and surprising your partner.( I have had so many say that)
Research and plan for when you will be alone.
And if you have not told for yrs and yrs...explain....You thought it would go away......it is part of you.....you were ashamed....there are millions like you...not an uncommon thing. Maybe even show them the posts in Fab (the stickys from GG's) and be prepared for answer questions.
And tell her you were scared of losing her....and there will be no more secrets.I SAY THAT BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN MANY keep hiding things
( yrs of conditioning I guess) and the GG feels she cannot trust or feel safe with her partner again.....and THE DRESSING seems like the enemy= lies and hiding still.

[Tina B.]

I've been reading a lot here about the gurls coming out to their spouses. This forum is a great place for me and many others but.... I worry about the gurls that read the posts about coming out and it gets them into a craze that is more harmful than good. My opinion is most gg's wont understand and will more than likely leave you without a thought. We all look for the acceptance, desire it, but be smart. We've all built lives with our girlfriends/wives and is it really worth it? I don't want to see a wave of "coming outs" and lives and relationships destroyed because of an "online" forum. We exist in cyberspace, not real life. If it all goes wrong are you strong enough to be alone, with your computer and your cyberspace friends while your life is in shambles and only some clothes to keep you company? It is up to the individual but are you ready for the ensuing fight? The questions? The accusations? I'm just worried that we are causing a fad so to speak. One with a potential to ruin lives world wide. Be smart gurls. That's all I want to say.

Umm, be smart, you say. Well I don't know you or your wife but let me tell you what I found to be smart. Five years into our marriage, I found myself trying to keep "the secret", I also found that lack of time to myself, and her not knowing why I would want it, was driving me into a state of depression, and bringing a life time of suppressed rage to the surface. In other words, I was a lousey partner, not fit to spend time with, augmentative, ready to start a fight over just about anything, even I couldn't stand me anymore, After a major fight, she packed up and went home to momma. Then after a few days to cool off, we go together to figure out where we where going to go from there. We talked about getting back together, or not, and how we could try to make things better, and then it hit me, it was never going to be better, with this huge secret between us. So I told her if she wanted to come home, there was something she needed to know before that happened, and I let it all out. The years of hiding, and fear, the self loathing, for being something I didn't understand, but the one thing I did understand was , this is for life, it's not going away, and I would no longer hide in my own home, because if I didn't get my head on right, I was of no use to either of us. I was ready to say good bye, figured that's the way it would go, but at least I had been honest with the one person I really cared about, to my surprize, she took me shopping that evening, and bought me 2 dresses, Garter belt and matching bra, heels, wig and jewelry, That was over thirty five years ago, and it was the smartest thing I ever did, and even if it had gone the other way, I knew a life of hiding in my own home, was not a life I wanted to live. And as the old saying goes, we have lived happily ever after!
Tina B.

[AlexisRaeMoon]

And if you have not told for yrs and yrs...explain....You thought it would go away......it is part of you.....you were ashamed.....

This is it in a nutshell for me. I always believed it would go away...when I got a girlfriend, when I had kids, when I got too old (ha!). It finally hit me about a year ago...this is not going to go away. Ever. And it's why I find myself on this forum so much - looking for encouragement to tell her. I take the point of this thread very well, and think about it a lot. But, in my case, I don't think I want to tell my wife because of the positive stories on this forum (I've been trying to figure out how to do it on my own for a while!), but I view them as "well, maybe things won't turn out so bad...." Certainly, I'm not prepared for the "worst possible outcome." If she threatened to leave, I'd probably back down immediately, try to "give it up." Because I can't live without her. But our relationship is so strong and we love each other so much, I have to hope for the best.

Thanks to everyone for posting your thoughts on both sides of the issue - it's thought provoking.

Here comes the levity: to quote from the wise Wayne Campbell, to his best friend Garth: "If you spew and she bolts, it was never meant to be."

[Nigella]

The cost of "coming" out to your SO can be very high, not just in monetary terms, but also in personal terms. It is a personal decision based upon those circumstances that only you know.

I personally am in favour of telling, however, I have learnt that one size does not fit all. One thing is certain though, if you have to ask on this or any other forum "shall I come out to my SO", the answer should always be NO. If you need to ask, then you are not ready.

I honestly believe that most GGs are not anti CD, more anti deceit. We all know that this is a part of us, but if you want to have your SO, at least accept that you NEED to crossdress, then you need to accept that she needs TIME, help her along the way by being more considerate.

[sandra-leigh]

I found myself trying to keep "the secret", I also found that lack of time to myself, and her not knowing why I would want it, was driving me into a state of depression, and bringing a life time of suppressed rage to the surface. In other words, I was a lousey partner, not fit to spend time with, augmentative, ready to start a fight over just about anything, even I couldn't stand me anymore

Ooooo.... Does that trigger flashbacks!!

And in the middle of it, my wife thought that she would "help" me by "being honest with me" by telling me I was fat, several times a week. Right at the time when I was trying to re-build my self-confidence. She "knew" that I hadn't heard her and had to tell me again because I hadn't stopped being fat in the 2 hour since she had last told me. But I would get a 4 hour break instead of 2 hour break if I yelled at her...

I've been someone I'm not proud of being. And I didn't get past that by denying and hiding the cross-dressing, only by accepting it.

[darla_g]

I am particularly impressed with the SOs who upon hearing of their partner's desire to CD to seek out as much information and support as they can. Many show up here on this web site with that goal. I do think there is a strong and supportive GG community here.

[Tina B.]

Ooooo.... Does that trigger flashbacks!!

I've been someone I'm not proud of being. And I didn't get past that by denying and hiding the cross-dressing, only by accepting it.

Sandra, your last line is what I was trying to say, I too got past it by accepting it, Luckly she was a big part of that too.

[Silentpartner GG SO]

I am particularly impressed with the SOs who upon hearing of their partner's desire to CD to seek out as much information and support as they can. Many show up here on this web site with that goal. I do think there is a strong and supportive GG community here.

I felt it was the intelligent and sensible thing to do - I took a couple of weeks to digest the news, and started looking on the net for a decent and supportive place, and I landed here. I think this place is excellent for support and information. I really feel as though I've made some friends here and it doesnt make the slightest difference to me if they are GG, CD, TG, TS or any other variable - none of that stops them from being decent human beings.

And tell her you were scared of losing her....and there will be no more secrets.I SAY THAT BECAUSE I HAVE SEEN MANY keep hiding things
( yrs of conditioning I guess) and the GG feels she cannot trust or feel safe with her partner again.....and THE DRESSING seems like the enemy= lies and hiding still.

I agree with you there Di - there was a bit of a shaky patch the first few weeks after my OH came out to me - he promised me there would be no more deceipt, lies etc. then promptly carried on buying stuff in secret and hiding it - this was far more upsetting than the original news that he was a CD'er! I got very upset and angry and told him that if it carried on it would be the finish of us - thankfully he came to his senses - but I think you are right, all his life he had been hiding stuff and keeping things secret - it was difficult to stop.

[Eryn]

As of recent statistics, more that 52% of the married population are divorced, and it seems that it stays that way pretty much. and, most second marriages don't last either, because people have the bad habit of choosing basically the same type of partner. So in "ordinary" marriages if failure is that high, it has to be higher with CDs in the mix.

Another way of thinking about it is to say that about half of the population consider divorce to be a readily invokable option. If the marriage doesn't turn out to be a fairy tale (and very few do) they bail out and try again, with predictable results.

Other people consider divorce to be like the over-wing emergency exit in an airplane. Yes, the exit exists, but we know that we won't be using it unless a *lot* of other things go wrong first! A marriage with this philosophy is much better equipped to handle the ordinary bumps that life throws at it without falling apart.

The catch is that one has to determine if one's own philosophy matches that of the prospective partner. That is easier said than done, because *everyone* promises "till death do us part."

I almost came out to my wife tonight. However, I'm terribly drunk, so it probably wouldn't have gone over so well, lol. I just need to find a way to build up the courage minus the vodka...

Very wise of you to not let the alcohol do the talking. Better to be sober and make sure that you have several hours of private time ahead of you. Other than that, you just say "I have something that has been bothering me that I'd like to talk to you about." and take it from there.

I am particularly impressed with the SOs who upon hearing of their partner's desire to CD to seek out as much information and support as they can. Many show up here on this web site with that goal. I do think there is a strong and supportive GG community here.

We are in complete agreement on this. The non-supportive SOs tend to be more vocal and are more often the focus of discussion here, but I believe that the majority of SOs are supportive or at least tolerant. After all, any SO wants their partner to be happy.

[Maria 60]

Iam not a professional at this, but i believe if the relationship is not strong to begin with it sounds like a easy way out and a stronger relationship i would believe something can be worked out, even if it's do it but i don't want to see you. I married a old school Italian girl, and i was sick of hiding and one night i took a chance and threw it out there. To my surprise she was pretty cool about it. I don't know how other women would react, you know your wife and you could be surprised at there reaction ether way. Good luck!

[kimdl93]

I worry about the gurls that read the posts about coming out and it gets them into a craze that is more harmful than good. My opinion is most gg's wont understand and will more than likely leave you without a thought. .

You're certainly welcome to your opinion, but bear in mind that many of us have had a much different and happier result that the one you presume will occur. You also suggest that we live int "cyberspace". Please be assured that "most" of us do have lives that extend well beyond the few minutes a day we spend here.

Being smart doesn't mean living in a bubble. If any CDr is living vicariously through the experiences of others, and not dressing privately in his real life, then fine. Just keep it that way if it works for you. But for anyone that dresses in secret at home when the SO is away and keeps a stash of stuff someplace, then sooner or later that little secret is likely to get out. So, let it happen by accident or come out in a planned and thoughtful manner...its your choice. Which one do you think will work better.

[JessHaust]

We exist in cyberspace, not real life.

That is the biggest divider in this forum.
There are those of us who do live in the real world, Dressed the way we want, and read this forum for insight to assist us in our real world activities.
Then there those like you, who never intend to act upon your feelings, who use this forum as a fantasy world to come play in.
If you can only see Cross-dressing as a fantasy world, something only for Cyberspace, then this is for you no different than the guy playing World of Warcraft.
To the rest of us is it something very special, very deep inside us that needs to be expressed in the real world, and sometimes that means taking a risk and telling our SO's.

[sandra-leigh]

But for anyone that dresses in secret at home when the SO is away and keeps a stash of stuff someplace, then sooner or later that little secret is likely to get out.

My wife found part of my stash, twice. The first time she just came upstairs and asked me to hold her tight without saying why. The second time she didn't say anything that day but a few days later asked me about it. I'd hidden that part of the stash in some storage boxes that we supposedly "knew" the contents off and she wouldn't have had any reason to look in, but she'd misplaced something and decided to go through everything no matter how unlikely to try to find it. She had me dead to rights, too, as she'd managed to find some silicon breast forms of mine that I myself had lost track of.

And the thing she was looking for? It wasn't in that room at all. She'd put it in a in a buffet upstairs, so I really had no reason to expect her to look in the place she looked. When she can't find something she expects, she looks and looks and looks... And then, having found it, might well leave it where it was, just having wanted to reassure herself that she still had it.

The whole reason to come out is we are tired of being alone in this pink world of ours. Naturally we crave to be with others.

Not me. I was out dressed in public less than 3 weeks after realizing I was a cross-dresser. I'd had enough of having slurs yelled at me by people passing by in cars -- I don't mean slurs for cross-dressing, I mean like slurs upon looking completely male, jeans and lumberjack shirt, hair cut short and very masculine by a professional Barber not 5 minutes earlier. I "came out" to the public not to be with others, but to "stick it to society", an act of defiance. I expected yells and sneers and to get lots of practice "flipping the bird".

I didn't get that kind of rejection at all, not at all, not even when I wore silly-looking clothes at the main intersection of town. The yells stopped! People started talking to me, and welcoming me back, and being concerned about how I was doing. Compassion and caring were the last thing I would have expected, but that's what I got.

I didn't find this site for many months after I was already dressing in public. And I don't mean just clubs: I mean on the city bus, and in malls, and in grocery stores, and riding my bicycle.

[JessHaust]

I didn't get that kind of rejection at all, not at all, not even when I wore silly-looking clothes at the main intersection of town. The yells stopped! People started talking to me, and welcoming me back, and being concerned about how I was doing. Compassion and caring were the last thing I would have expected, but that's what I got.

Absolutely the truth!
But as many times as it is written here and elsewhere, there are those that simply refuse to believe it.
Whether it's coming out to your SO, or just leaving the house, there are those who believe that even mentioning it here is going to cause someone somewhere harm. Fear is a powerful enemy.

[Aylineira]

I will have to agree with the OP on this subject. I mean I will say that there are some wonderful stories here on the forums about coming out to the SO. But let's not forget that these people are considered lucky and not necessarily the norm.

[Eryn]

But let's not forget that these people are considered lucky and not necessarily the norm.

This seems to be a point of disagreement. Certainly having an accepting spouse is fortunate, but it also seems that most spouses are accepting or at least tolerant. Nonaccepting spouses are the topics of the long and emotional threads, but they don't seem to be in the majority.

[GingerLeigh]

Telling is not for everyone and not all GG's will either understand or accept. Not all relationships can handle the potential damage to the trust element. If your relationship is strong, you truly love each other, and you offer significantly more to the relationship than a man who sits and watches sports and farts all day. You have a chance. Otherwise, keep it to yourself unless you want your relationship to end.

Ginger

[corrinediane]

That is the biggest divider in this forum.
There are those of us who do live in the real world, Dressed the way we want, and read this forum for insight to assist us in our real world activities.
Then there those like you, who never intend to act upon your feelings, who use this forum as a fantasy world to come play in.
If you can only see Cross-dressing as a fantasy world, something only for Cyberspace, then this is for you no different than the guy playing World of Warcraft.
To the rest of us is it something very special, very deep inside us that needs to be expressed in the real world, and sometimes that means taking a risk and telling our SO's.

Did you not comprehend what was written? Do you not do any research on THIS FORUM about the OP? I suggest you read some of my posts before you write anything that makes you look like the fool you are! :-)

You're certainly welcome to your opinion, but bear in mind that many of us have had a much different and happier result that the one you presume will occur. You also suggest that we live int "cyberspace". Please be assured that "most" of us do have lives that extend well beyond the few minutes a day we spend here.

Being smart doesn't mean living in a bubble. If any CDr is living vicariously through the experiences of others, and not dressing privately in his real life, then fine. Just keep it that way if it works for you. But for anyone that dresses in secret at home when the SO is away and keeps a stash of stuff someplace, then sooner or later that little secret is likely to get out. So, let it happen by accident or come out in a planned and thoughtful manner...its your choice. Which one do you think will work better.

You don't get it either, do you? It's not about me, or you. It's about ruining lives and having the responsibility to make these gurls think. I already had my coming out to the SO. It is wonderful for me. The post was to make those that haven't think. Imagine, a CD that still hides all her stuff and longs for the company. She reads this forum all dressed and made up. She thinks to herself, she came out and everything is great for her, I'm going to do it too. Then her world comes crashing down. You going to help her? What exactly are you going to do for her? Read my post. Answer the questions to yourself. If you want to take this personal then do so. But do not presume you know me or my life. Ok?

Umm, be smart, you say. Well I don't know you or your wife but let me tell you what I found to be smart. Five years into our marriage, I found myself trying to keep "the secret", I also found that lack of time to myself, and her not knowing why I would want it, was driving me into a state of depression, and bringing a life time of suppressed rage to the surface. In other words, I was a lousey partner, not fit to spend time with, augmentative, ready to start a fight over just about anything, even I couldn't stand me anymore, After a major fight, she packed up and went home to momma. Then after a few days to cool off, we go together to figure out where we where going to go from there. We talked about getting back together, or not, and how we could try to make things better, and then it hit me, it was never going to be better, with this huge secret between us. So I told her if she wanted to come home, there was something she needed to know before that happened, and I let it all out. The years of hiding, and fear, the self loathing, for being something I didn't understand, but the one thing I did understand was , this is for life, it's not going away, and I would no longer hide in my own home, because if I didn't get my head on right, I was of no use to either of us. I was ready to say good bye, figured that's the way it would go, but at least I had been honest with the one person I really cared about, to my surprize, she took me shopping that evening, and bought me 2 dresses, Garter belt and matching bra, heels, wig and jewelry, That was over thirty five years ago, and it was the smartest thing I ever did, and even if it had gone the other way, I knew a life of hiding in my own home, was not a life I wanted to live. And as the old saying goes, we have lived happily ever after!
Tina B.

I'm glad it worked out for you. As for me, I did it very early on in our relationship. I was never nasty or inconsiderate or any of those things you did. I like to think I was confident in me and who I am. We were dating for 6 months when I started dropping hints. Eventually I told her the whole story. It's been 5 years now. She is accepting, participates and is absolutely wonderful to be with no matter how I'm dressed. I feel honesty is essential if relationships are to succeed. I was lucky. It could have went completely different. Some other gurls here are lucky too. How many horror stories are never posted? idk? Be smart how you approach the subject of CDing to your partner. Be smart when deciding if you want to even approach her. Be smart in as many ways as you can and understand that the life you know and love could possibly end. I'm so glad you all are thinking about this post. Some of you take it way to personal and that makes me wonder about you.

[Girliegirl]

I told my wife after about 3 years of marriage. I put a lot of thought into the talk beforehand.... Months if not years. We usually communicate well and are very understanding of each other. We know each others strengths and weaknesses. When I brought this to her I didn't do it in passing conversation, as in just trying to slip in a reference and then try to build up to the big reveal. I started by trying very hard to make her understand that this is so hard to say because literally no one on earth know this about me. I've never had this conversation before because of my own fear and insecurity. I asked her to please try to not form an opinion on anything until Im able to give all the info so that she wouldn't start worring that I'm something I'm not... Like gay or somehow unhappy with myself as I am. She had questions of course and seems now more accept ing than I am. just thought I would add my 2 cents. A strong relationship means everything.

[JessHaust]

Did you not comprehend what was written? Do you not do any research on THIS FORUM about the OP? I suggest you read some of my posts before you write anything that makes you look like the fool you are! :-)

Ley's see, research on this forum:
From your posts "We usually sit together and one of us will raed the posts"
"She'll threaten you with telling everyone or whatever...."
"I wouldn't want to be without him, or is that her. I like the fact she hides well"
One thread titled 'Saturday night in' (notice it's not Saturday night out!)
"Maybe this will be the place I finally come out of my closet and enjoy being Corrine"
Frankly you have not written very much, but what you have written backs up my statement, foolish or not.

[Konfused]

I'm surprised that I haven't yet seen anyone take a standpoint other than a self-centered one. It seems to all be about, how will I feel best? I reject using that question as the basis for whether or not I tell my partner, and instead remember what my first girlfriend did when I came out to her after two years. She broke up with me, not because she couldn't deal with the crossdressing, but because she couldn't deal with the fact that I would purposefully lie, deceive, and hide things from her. And she had every right to feel that way. I loved that girl, and even taking myself out of the equation, I owed it TO HER to tell her the truth (considerably earlier than I did). I now tell my partners before we even make the relationship official; it had worked very well so far, but granted, I'm young (20) and as such am part of a generation that is more open and accepting in terms of gender and sexual deviance.

[corrinediane]

Ley's see, research on this forum:
From your posts "We usually sit together and one of us will raed the posts"
"She'll threaten you with telling everyone or whatever...."
"I wouldn't want to be without him, or is that her. I like the fact she hides well"
One thread titled 'Saturday night in' (notice it's not Saturday night out!)
"Maybe this will be the place I finally come out of my closet and enjoy being Corrine"
Frankly you have not written very much, but what you have written backs up my statement, foolish or not.

Why is going "out" so important to you? I bet most of us here don't. The fact that were honest to our partners is enough. You want to howl at the moon, go ahead. Most come here to read, learn and enjoy this forum no matter our individual circumstance. So you go "out". Your better? I don't think so. I spend just as much time as the next, or you, learning how to coordinate color and style. The fact is, I could go out but I choose not too. Those reasons are my own. Your post here gives me the impression you "look down" on all the CD's that don't go out? I started this thread to make people think about their lives. To stop and think about consequences. I'm sure all that read this post will get that message.


93 posts in 5 years. That seems a fair enough number for me. You've posted 371 times since December of 2011?

[jillleanne]

[QUOTE=corrinediane;2793601]I've been reading a lot here about the gurls coming out to their spouses. This forum is a great place for me and many others but.... I worry about the gurls that read the posts about coming out and it gets them into a craze that is more harmful than good.

For those that do not necessarily just come out because they have no issues with it, I firmly believe 'coming out' is not about anything other than the need for oneself to be able to live with ones inner self. It has nothing to do with anything in particular common to us all, It does has everything to do with that individuals ability to live with the agonizing thought that persists 24/7 knawing away at ones' inner happiness and consciousness that just won't go away until that individual comes out. Coming out is not for everyone and many live happily without it and have no intention of ever coming out. It's something some of us must do, not necesarily want to do. We simply reach a point whereby we can no longer stand the agony of all those negative thoughts/beliefs( hiding, lies, the list goes on) that keep repeating themselves in our heads.

Coming out for me gave no regard to how it would affect anyone associated with me. I gave not a rat's ass how anyone around me would react. For me, it had to be done so I could get on with my life period. Now of course I was hoping for the best, but trust me when I say, I was willing to give up everything at the point of coming out. Mattered not to me the end result. As it turned out, my s/o and the two of me are all best friends and lovers. Should have bought a lottery ticket that day.