How far will she go?

[Julia_in_Pa]

I'm intersexed and before we were married my ex wife promised to stay with me during and after transition.
As time progressed my need to transition became a priority.
When the rubber met the road she reneged on her promises to me.
That was over five years ago.
It seems like it was yesterday.


Julia

[kimdl93]

At the moment, I don't think my wife would accept my going to HRT, let alone SRS. Mind you, we have a great relationship, and she's might surprise me if I wanted to go in that direction. But, based on what we've discussed, I think that might be too much for her.

[Krististeph]

Hi Nigella- (btw- nice question. to para-quote Einstein~ 'The formulation of a [question]{sic] is often more essential than its solution, which may be merely a matter of [ applying established knowledge][sic].' )

Ma femme, she says she would not, and though there is a small chance she would stay with me- this is not what keeps me from following through with srs- I want my wife to be as happy as i can reasonably make her.

Since i did not tell her before we married that i might consider srs- at this point, unless she decides she would be happy with me as a woman, it's out of the question. My wife is my best friend first- and if I can't be exactly as i want to be- well, i'll settle for a fraction of it- CD is a pretty good stopgap, as it were, and she is more than okay with me crossdressing.

But i am always here for her as a husband or partner- male or female- she gets the best out of me regardless, and she always will until the day she does not want me any longer. we both doubt that day will come, regardless of how cranky either of us get in the short term. Marriage takes effort, and we both have put a lot of effort- we are so much luckier than every other couple we know- even the happy ones.

She gets to play with her friends, or even 'keep pets'- as long as i get to know about anything questionable beforehand- I get the 'right of first refusal' as it were. She knows this, and has never done so, and i don't think she would do anything sexual. You can cheat on someone just by the attention you give them, regardless of sexual aspects, IMO.

But i'd rather she have a little fling if she wanted to, than to lose her if i could not provide her what she needed- even if it just some novelty.

SRS would be a fling on my part- permanent- even though it is not focused on another person, per se. And that's just the way we are- both she and i don't expect others to hold to our morals, attitudes, or practices, rather that we feel both (or more...) parties are in full disclosure before making any kind of commitment- and they hold to it.

Again, I had not considered SRS seriously until some years after we were married, so for me, even though i looked into it- and might have done it- it's off the plate.

IF my wife were to say she would be okay with it, and IF it would not damage our relationship (assuming she wants to stay with me) i would seriously look into it, but it would have to be a practical decision as well as an emotional or psychological one as well- since SRS would not give me a true female life experience (as my past would have been that of a male). I'm doing pretty good just living vicariously, and coupled with an active imagination, as well as being able to do my job as if i were female (or at least not requisite as male) it's a heck of a lot better situation than so many others.

kristi

Me on the other hand, i don't get to do that. Unfair? Not at all. I get to CD whenever i want, and that is way better than some skanky affair... :-)

[Tina B.]

I read this post yesterday, but didn't answer, I just wasn't sure, but today, I think I have as good an answer as I could come up with, and still be honest about it.
35 years ago, if I started down that road, it would have been a deal breaker for sure. But now late in life, and with health issues that have put certain intimacies, out of our reach, Those feels may have changed. I've spent all these years in the closet, by mutual choice. And it could be the going public would be too much for her, but if she could get over that, I think she enjoys her time with Tina as much or more than she does with the male side of me.
Since I retired, and she hasn't, I've taken up the traditional role of wife, so I dress the part a lot more than I used to. We watch TV most men would never watch, we talk fashion, and womens issues, And we both love to go shopping, and finding great buys, for either of us some days it works for me sometimes it works for her, and we enjoy it either way.
It's telling the world, and what they might say, especially when all your friends are in there latter years, and could never understand most of this. That is the only thing I think she would have a real p roblem with, and even then I really don't think she would leave. After all who wants to start over after 40 years.
Tina B

[ReineD]

I've often wondered if the determination for a wife's acceptance levels is the degree of love she feels for her husband. I know you didn't ask, but many threads in this forum have alluded to this over the years and it is a question that I've asked myself often. I've wondered how I'd feel should my SO develop a wish to transition.

My conclusion is that my love for my SO would never diminish, no matter what. But, I would no longer be sexually or romantically attracted to her. Instead of being lovers, we'd be best friends. And this is not what I am looking for in a romantic relationship.

Can the strength of love a person feels for another change their sexual orientation? I don't think so.

That said, I believe there are people who are more sexually flexible than others and this in part explains the various degrees of acceptance among GGs. We all know that gender is a spectrum, and so I believe is sexual and romantic attraction. Some women are staunchly hetero, the thought of kissing their husbands while dressed is a major turn off no matter how much they love them. Other women can more easily get into it than others, as long as there is some flexibility, even though they are not lesbian.

Also, Tina B suggests a factor in the degree of acceptance is a wife's age, and I agree. I'm guessing there are more women who would stay with a transitioning spouse (or a spouse who chooses to dress full or near full time) after a certain age (or even after one or several failed relationships with other partners): after the childbearing years, after they've been together for years and the sexual attraction or the libido has diminished, after their relationship has reached that degree of comfortable companionship one often sees in middle aged or older couples.

I'm not surprised there are few women who can continue to stay married with a transitioning or a full-time spouse. I compare this with the number of spouses who would seek to transition or live full-time, and the numbers there are also few compared to the total population.

It is, however, a blessing when both partners' degree of flexibility matches, as is evidenced by many of the responses in this thread.

[Nigella]

There has been some very interesting responses to this thread. What it does highlight though is that whilst a lot of circumstances are similar, each relationship is unique.

Another question for you is, I have noticed that a number of you believe that SRS/HRT would be a deal breaker, but have you actually discussed it with your SO or is it just your considered opinion?

[Janelle_C]

My wife has known about my cding most of are 30 years of marriage. But the last couple of years I've been exploring my fem side and dress a lot more. She is very supportive but does not participate she is working on that. She supported my going to therapy. I fond this site got lots of support then I started therapy and my head was cloud nine. I started to talk to her about all the things I wanted to do and the ones I was thinking about it was a little to much to fast. So we made a deal I only talk to her about the things I know I want and not the things I'm thinking about. She asked me yesterday do you think you would want to take hormones and I told her that I have thought about it but I would only do it if I was going to go full time. I told her that she could ask me any thing she wanted to know but she had to know that I would tell her the truth. So I don't know if SRS is in my future I think if I did it's about 50% that she stay

[giuseppina]

This GM isn't interested in going beyond prosthetics and ear piercing, and I would be astonished if I qualified for anything else.

[Joanne f]

This question has been talked about in the past with my wife so i had a fair idea what her answer would be but not to get it wrong i done like you said and just asked her , her reply was " i would not be partially happy about it but i would not leave you " and she also said that having an operation like that would be a very big concern for her which i can well understand due to other circumstance `s .

[Di]

It would NEVER be a deal breaker. We are on this journey together.

[Jenniferathome]

My wife accepts the crossdresser that I am, but if I was to suggest that I wanted SRS, then she would both support me and leave me. My wife is not a lesbian, she married a man and would never just suck it up and deal with that. I think anyone who is transexual can't hope to maintain the marriage they have. Crossdressing is a far cry from changing ones gender. There are some who may be able to stay with their partner after SRS but I would think that such a relationship moves to companionship rather than romantic.

[Marleena]

My wife accepts the crossdresser that I am, but if I was to suggest that I wanted SRS, then she would both support me and leave me. My wife is not a lesbian, she married a man and would never just suck it up and deal with that. I think anyone who is transexual can't hope to maintain the marriage they have. Crossdressing is a far cry from changing ones gender. There are some who may be able to stay with their partner after SRS but I would think that such a relationship moves to companionship rather than romantic.

It looks like a few of the SO's are still okay with it Jennifer, and that must be unconditional love. Some of us only get that from our dogs.

I'm also not so sure it is lesbianism . They married a man who needs to transition. A penis is not required to satisfy the GG's sexual needs (there are other ways).

Not arguing here btw.

[AnitaH]

When I first came out to my wife she said that full-time or SRS would be a deal breaker, she didn't marry a woman. Now that she's had some time to deal with it she has been more supportive than I could have hoped for. She has been watching and listening to the subtle clues that even I may not be aware of. Now her opinion is that I may want to do just that and I'm not sure she's wrong. At the same time her attitude towards this has changed and progressed greatly. Now she is saying that there is a possibility that she would stay in the relationship. She says she could see the possibility of being together. She also says that she would give me freedom if that is what I needed to make this journey complete. I am aware that even if she believes she may be OK with this, if I am to transition the reality may be different for her than what she expects.

I don't want to loose her but I know that transitioning may cost me, as it has cost others. Suppressing this aspect of myself cost me greatly over the years and nearly ruined me, I can't go there again.

AnitaH

[PretzelGirl]

First off, I am not considering transition and I don't see it in my future. I never say never because I think it can lead to denial and that can be one of the strongest negative things to get past when the reality hits your subconscious. But my years are getting on if something in my head wants to change directions.

It is interesting as I have asked my wife both the HRT and transition questions. Her response is that she didn't care and came right out with "go for it" on HRT. I look at Julia's situation and I realize that things can turn on a dime when reality hits. But my wife is very carefree, so I certainly could see it being true. Of course our relationship would probably be something along the line of "committed best friends", but in a way, that is what we are now.

[Brigid]

I don't think our marriage would stay intact but she has surprised me in the past. She has asked me sometimes if I felt like I needed to transition. I told her no but I guess I should have asked how she would deal with it I did. This time in my life I don't see transitioning as an option. I am satisfied in just dressing.

[Sandra]

Most of you know I'm Nigella's SO, I am not a lesbian if I was then I would not have married Nigella. I don't look at our relationship as a lesbian one never had and never will, we are just two people who love and care for each other. Now I bet some are thinking she doesn't see Nigella as a woman, well you're wrong.

[DonnaT]

My wife barely tolerates it now, so even suggesting SRS/GRS would be in the future would be a deal breaker for sure.

[Marleena]

Most of you know I'm Nigella's SO, I am not a lesbian if I was then I would not have married Nigella. I don't look at our relationship as a lesbian one never had and never will, we are just two people who love and care for each other. Now I bet some are thinking she doesn't see Nigella as a woman, well you're wrong.

Sandra I've seen the same thing said of CDer's that have accepting wives. It is so wrong, my wife is not a lesbian or bisexual either. She just has a partner that is TG and can accept him for who he is. It doesn't get any better than that.

[ReineD]

Most of you know I'm Nigella's SO, I am not a lesbian if I was then I would not have married Nigella. I don't look at our relationship as a lesbian one never had and never will, we are just two people who love and care for each other. Now I bet some are thinking she doesn't see Nigella as a woman, well you're wrong.

I get what you're saying, Sandra. You love Nigella for Nigella, the person she is inside. This does not mean that if you had never met Nigella, you would be in a relationship with a GG.

I feel the same way about my SO.

[JohnH]

My wife suggested that I go on M2F HRT in the first place, and she said that she would stay with me even if I got SRS. At any rate, I don't have any desire to have SRS.

Johanna

[linda allen]

No thought here of ever becoming a woman through SRS or even hormones. No thought of living as a woman full time or letting friends and neighbors know. I enjoy my male life.

As far as I ever want to go would be driving to another town with my wife (where nobody would recognize either of us) from time to time and spending a day or two as sisters or girlfriends.