6 days and counting

[LisaMallon]

Well 6 days until my first gender consultant meeting (he's part of the Monash group).

Nervous yes and no. There is an inevitability about all this. And, as you might expect, I have done endless soul searching.

I can't make a decision is what to wear. To go male format or as myself.

Naturally my inclination is to be myself, but there are these protocols. And this is the first 'gate keeper' I have to face. I do not want to stuff this up. Got to keep my damn intellectual arrogance under tight control.

Any advice as to the best way to approach it?

And did I really put the heading as "6 Daus"???????

Refer to the thread 'things breaking down' .. what is my name again?

[Kathryn Martin]

I am not sure what a gender consultant is but it sounds that it is a therapy meeting. It is wonderful that you are a point where you are counting down the "Daus".

Gate keepers are a breed of their own. Just know what they expect, smile, tell your story, keep your legs crossed or together and your elbows by your side...... and so on you get the drift. And yes, never ever give the impression that you are smarter than them.

Others might differ in their view, but dress in a way that makes you comfortable. For my first number of therapy sessions I went dressed as a male in part because I had not come out anywhere. After I went into RLE I didn't own any male clothes any more.

I wish you the best, it is so exciting and I will count "Daus" with you......

[LisaMallon]

No one on this site is ever going to forget my "daus" are they? Lisa "daus" forever more.
I can just see this, 10 years from now "hi Lisa, how has your dau gone". Groan. Don't say anything Karren, like ever (as if that would stop her).

Thanks for the advice. Yes it is exciting and scary and everything else. I'll just have to keep counting 'daus' .. groan.

[Cynthia Anne]

Rather it be days or ''daus'' be yourself! And keep smileing! Best of luck to you! Hugs!

[Leanne2]

When I set up my sessions my therapist requested that I come dressed as a man. At the end of the first session she said that I could dress any way that I wanted. I was Leanne every time after that.

[LeaP]

I know it's hard, because you will be doing nothing BUT thinking about that first appointment, but try not to be overly concerned about the first meeting or two. A lot will come spilling out, but the reality is that a therapist treats the initial sessions as intake and will do a lot of the driving - asking questions, assessing you quickly for signs of co-morbid conditions, and determining whether the two of you can establish a successful clinical relationship. The real work starts in subsequent sessions and what you do in-between.

[LisaMallon]

Thanks Lea I am already obsessing about it. In one sense it is the most important day of my life.

[MC-lite]

I can't make a decision is what to wear. To go male format or as myself.

I would go in a lemon yellow sun dress with a big floppy hat and some Jackie Onassis sunglasses.

Oh...sorry. That's how I'm going to my step-father's funeral.

Best of luck.
:Miki.

P.S. Why don't you call them and ask them?

[Julia_in_Pa]

Lisa,


Be yourself. Nothing else to it.
Walk in, play the gatekeeper and walk out with what you want.
Your wanting to transition right? Wear the dress.


Julia

[Rianna Humble]

It may be different in the UK, but when I went to my doctor to get the ball rolling, I was in drab apart from my shoes that was the last appointrment that I attended in drab.

Over here, you have to see a psychiatrist (or is it psychologist - I'm never really sure) so although the appointment was in my old name, I went dressed as myself.

By the time I got to see a specialist at the Gender Identity Clinic, I had been Rianna for best part of a year and didn't own any male clothing.

[Traci Elizabeth]

Question? If you are seeking counseling for gender issues why would you NOT go dressed in the gender you believe you are? If you believe you are a woman then why on earth would you show up in men clothes? Doing so shows your counselor that you are confident about yourself and serious about the journey you are on.

[arbon]

I think if you are comfortable with it you should go as yourself. Let them know you from the start.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The reason to not go dressed would be that you don't want to yet..

It took me 3 or 4 meetings and a discussion with the therapist before i wore feminine clothing...the first two times i was coming from work..

the first time i dressed, i obsessed over it for 2 weeks...i missed a turn on the way and was 20 minutes late and i pounded my steering wheel, howled at the moon and cried lots of tears...it was a horrible short session...

going as "yourself" does not imply clothing in any way. you could wear a rugby uniform and you'd still be yourself...
the whole idea of if you don't go dressed you are sending some type of message is simply not meaningful to your therapy..

If the clothes matter alot to your therapist, and you are judged as not serious, then your therapist is bad and you need a new one..

the thing i believe you should focus on is to think very specifically about what you want to say... you will get questions and the session could go anywhere...but if there are specifics that are important to you, then you DO NOT WANT TO LEAVE WITHOUT ADDRESSING THEM...

whether that's questions, or statements it doesn't matter...the more direct and thoughtful you are, the more you will get out of it..

[Sharon]

Wear the clothing that you feel most comfortable in, Lisa. Do you normally wear female clothing now? If so, then, by all means, wear it to your first session -- your therapist knows why you made the appointment, right? If you still feel self-conscious in female clothing, then wear what will put you at ease -- the first session is basically a get-to-know-one-another meeting and you should not be focusing on what you are currently wearing. It's a worthwhile topic for you to discuss, however.

Good luck and relax!

[DebbieL]

It's quite likely that the consultant will want to see you in both modes. Seeing you in male mode, and how you behave in male mode, then also in femme mode helps him to see the impact of expressing each gender. I remember the first time I went to a therapist en femme. It was almost like he was talking to a different person. I was friendlier, happier, more relaxed, and more at ease. Even when my voice dropped, it was easy to see that I was much more "at home" and healthier as a woman.

Later, when I had to come to sessions in male mode (coming from work), he wanted to see if we could schedule at a time that would be more convenient for "Debbie". He strongly recommended transition, and helped me by giving me assignments. I had to go into various social situations, at first different night clubs, then shopping centers and restaurants, and eventually, I was to the point where I would come home from the office, change into Debbie, and do whatever there was to do for the rest of the day.

The only reason I didn't transition was because my ex-wife threatened to have my child visitation revoked.
I often wish I'd gone through with it anyway.

[LeaP]

My appointments have all been arriving directly from work, so not only in drab, but a suit, of all things. I do lose the tie, though - can't stand the things. The one exception was a daytime appointment on a day off and I simply showed up dressed. I don't think it made the slightest difference in my comfort or speech ... partly because I'm a nervous wreck in the sessions anyway. LOL! Do what you need to do to be comfortable. For me, that's slipping my shoes off and tucking my legs under myself on the sofa.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lea makes a great point for you.. Think of therapy as data... i slowly felt really weird talking about all this dressed in my blue power suit... as I did more therapy, i started to take advantage of it..built up my wardrobe, bit the bullet and went to the mall afterwards...just to see what "life" was like...of course i learned i couldn't get enough of it...your speed, your way...just do your best and if you have a bad session, have a better next one...if you don't like what you wore, wear something different

i think its going to be a great experience for you no matter what you wear

[LeaP]

Believe it or not, there are things that therapists see in male dress also. I showed up for several sessions in the EXACT same clothes. That led to a discussion of my VERY limited wardrobe, which, as it turns out is very common among her MtF gender clients. I make thinking about male clothing go away by eliminating choice and variety. I don't want to care about it. A good therapist doesn't miss anything.

[StaceyJane]

I went to my first appointment in male mode, then my second appointment I went underdressed.
Then I decided that I would go to my third appointment dressed. At the time the only place I had gone out dressed was to a Tri-Ess meeting and I was very nervous. I picked out my best outfit a few days in advance.
Then just to drive me nuts my appointment had to be delayed a day because of snow. Now I live in Central Texas so a snow day is pretty rare.
But the next day I made it to my appointment, just getting out of my car and across the sidewalk to the office was a big step but I did it and after that a whole new world opened up for me.

[LisaMallon]

Dr Eramus has a good reputation amongst the TG community here. Plus he is local, basically just up the road.

But I am aware of this 'gatekeeper aspect', there is, sort of, a game here. With certain expectations of behaviour and it is a procedure.
And there is serious issues here. Our health system in Australia will pay for all of this if you are approved. If not then it costs a lot.

I'd love to flounce in, talk for 5 minutes, he says its ok, then we start the process. But I am aware (or scared) that I don't want to blow it and be taken as 'not serious'.
So I am genuinely torn at the moment. I might just set up 2 sets of clothes and leave it to the last minute to decide.
My real clothes will be very conservative of course.

Funny how when you think these things over it becomes far more clear.

God, old (ancient) memory, of feeling between my legs and not finding a hole there and being disappointed (various ages).
Of talking to an adult (I was 6) and asking him what would happen of you cut 'this' off.
Of rushing around to my aunts place (I was 12) and putting on clothes. It wasn't sexual (at that age?) I just felt better.
Of burying this all away for a while .. and then buying a lot of clothes, hiding them in my attic, rushing home and changing for a short while (early 20s).
Of about 90% of all my sexual fantasies of being a woman (lifelong).
Of really nearly going the whole way in my mid 40s ... and then running away again (I am good at that).

Too tired to run away any longer.
I have spent 500% more energy running, hiding, denying this than I would ever have spent actually doing it.
Some understandable, the 60s, 70s, 80s were no-no years in most of the places I lived at the time.

But the 90s? Should have started to get my act together then.

I have a PhD in procrastination.

[Stephanie-L]

Lisa, you gave me one thing that makes me ask a question. When you said your "real clothes" are going to be very conservative, which set did you mean? Whichever they are, then that is the set you should wear, the other is just a costume at this point. If your therapist has experience with trans folks, then it doesn't really matter what you wear, as long as it is appropriate for a person going to visit their therapist, whichever gender you present as. If you wear a suit and tie because you just came from work, no problem, if you wear casual male clothes because it is your day off, also no problem. If you wear a tuxedo, or ragged torn shorts and t-shirt, possibly a problem. Likewise, if you wear women's casual or business attire, no problem. If you wear a fancy gown, or really provocative outfit, then that says something else.

I don't think that they are going to take you as "not serious", the idea is that they are going to help you figure out what kind of "serious" you are. And don't worry about it, we all obsess over what outfit we wear to our therapists, because they do have a huge impact on our lives. And natal women obsess over outfits all the time..............Stephanie

[LisaMallon]

Oh by real clothes I meant "en femme" but (as more and more of them are these days) quite conservative daily wear.

I have another PhD in agonising about what to wear (over and above my other one in procrastination, wow a double PhD in being able to do absolutely nothing except waste time).

[LisaMallon]

2 sleeps and counting. And now know .. and I know how I will look. Spent a lot of time on my hair tonight.

The adventure begins.

[Starling]

Before my first meeting I asked the therapist if I could come dressed. She said it would be fine, and that she would even "get more data" if I wore the clothes that made me comfortable. Since then I have dressed for every session, as well as for my visits to the clinic. I would feel very weird going to either as a man.

Lallie

[LisaMallon]

Well had my meeting. Went casual, skinny jeans, light makeup, own hair (god I need to see a stylist), low walking heels.

Nice person, I was very nervous (as you might expect) but he put me at ease pretty quickly. And we discussed the basics and some of my history.

Just a first meeting, next one in 2 weeks. Funny when I think over things I realise just how unusual I have been since childhood.