Life... And Boxes of Chocolate

[eternal-c]

19 years ago today my Birth Mom and my Friend, passed away. It's kinda funny, and kinda sad at the same time, but even though I was only 10 when she died, I remember that day very clearly. Trust me, at times I have tried to forget. I have never reiterated that day to anyone else, so I am not going to start now.

All I will say is that it constantly feels like a part of me died that day; the part that I keep living every day. Everything I do each day around people feels surreal, like an act. I do this because I am expected to. It almost feels like I am on autopilot.

You know, as I write this I find more pain inside than with anything else I have written, and I know (feel?) that I shouldn't. It's not so much what I am writing, but the memories behind it. Memories that each day to some degree I wish I could purge from my mind.

Sometimes I am fine, other times I can wear my heart on my sleeve. Probably closer to the latter right now, although at the moment my sleeve is still dry.

They say that strength comes from within... I have been holding Candice in for so long that sometimes I wonder where my strength really comes from? I know Candice has always been there... you can even see it in old pictures of me, in my mannerisms.

I need to feel 'normal' for once and not question who or what I am. I need to not feel locked up within myself.

(And for those of you wondering from my previous thread, I did get a hold of a counselor and looks like I will be meeting up with her in the next couple weeks (gotta account for the $$))

Sorry, another misery style post on my part. I really should just keep my mouth shut during March and April. Feel free to /kickinrear me if you think I need it

I don't even know if there was a question above, or if I needed to vent.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Hi!

I'm very happy to hear you are going to go to therapy.
This is very important so follow through with it alright?

I was adopted by an angel of a woman when I was fifteen months old.
My birth mother was a stripper at a club in North Miami Florida.
She was taking some heavy drugs and was also an alcoholic.
Because of this she passed me around to different people she worked with.
Because these people were less than ideal babysitters I was found in a dirty crib with cigarette burns all over my body and malnourished from not eating for approx 4 days.
The police said I was having difficulty breathing and was rushed to the hospital where I stayed for a month.
My angel Errah came and took care of me and eventually gained temporary custody of me and took me back to her home in the St. Louis Mo area.
She came to adopt me when I was fifteen months old.
At the time of my adoption she was in her mid fifties.
She died in February of 2002 at the age of 84.

She was my angel and my savior.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't long for her.
She will always be my Momma.

You and I have the love of our mothers in common.
I know you'll never stop missing and loving your mom.

Here's to moms everywhere.


Julia

[eternal-c]

Here's to moms everywhere.

*Raises a pint* Here here!

Actually, this evening was pretty alright. It was a good end to the day. Some friends and I met up at a local restaurant and hung out for a couple hours. A couple of them determined a few years back that staying at home "Moping" was not going to be an option each year on this day, so we started a tradition of getting together at a restaurant and celebrating the life that she had

Sorry about being such a downer earlier in my OP, well in many of my posts recently. I feel like I have been on an emotional rollercoaster and trying to sort through everything. Just trying to figure out each minute by each minute if you will.

Candice

[Julia_in_Pa]

Candice,

I raise a pint to you and your mom.
Celebrating her life like you do is wonderful. Your mom is smiling because of it.

We all go through trials and tribulations.
My life has been filled with them.
Don't ever hide the feelings that you are having about something .
Talk it out. Communication is what ultimately begins the healing process for what has injured us.
Love yourself and be kind to you. I know your mom would want that for you.
It's good to have you here Candice.


Julia

[ReineD]

Candice, I'm so sorry about your mom, and having lost her while so young. My heart broke when I read your post.

Just know that she'd be very proud of you.

[Momarie]

It didn't read to me like a "misery" post at all.
I just read a lot of love in your words.
You have honored your Mother by writing them, what a wonderful gift to give her.

[Jonianne]

.....All I will say is that it constantly feels like a part of me died that day; the part that I keep living every day. Everything I do each day around people feels surreal, like an act. I do this because I am expected to. It almost feels like I am on autopilot.

You know, as I write this I find more pain inside than with anything else I have written, and I know (feel?) that I shouldn't. It's not so much what I am writing, but the memories behind it. Memories that each day to some degree I wish I could purge from my mind......

Your post definatly brings tears to my eyes. Yes, a part of you did die when you were 10. You have done remarkebly well in getting to where you are today. And yes, there is nothing wrong with you feeling the pain of your loss. Of course, it will ebb and flow at times, and yes, I can imagine how you would want the pain to not be so much, so often. Nothing wrong with that either. Even though your mother passed back then, you still carry her in your heart and mind, both physically and emotionally.

My wife and mother of my step children passed last year and one of the songs that has touch our hearts and has helped with our process of healing is "Wanting Memories" by Sweet Honey in the Rock: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vW2TpW4gCt8

[eternal-c]

Thank you all for your kind words. looking back at old photo albums I definitely have had more of a femine side as I was growing up till I was at least 10. I remember while Mom was sick that I would work on her hair, and she would love having her nails on hands and feet done. Granted sometimes I think part of that was to keep me out of trouble, but I thoroughly enjoiyed it all the same.

Sometimes mom would even do my nails and we would just hang out together on the couch. I don't remember if I ever told her how much I cherished those times, although I am sure she knew.

Candice

[Babeba]

I'm sure that she knew, too... And I bet she loved you just as much, if not more.

[eternal-c]

Well, sooner than I anticipated, but apparently I am seeing my counselor tomorrow at 2pm... Good luck for me getting any sleep tonight Already got butterflies in my stomach.

Candice

[Jorja]

You will be alright as long as the clowns stay out of it.

[eternal-c]

T-5.5 Hrs.

As thought, I did NOT get good sleep last night

Nervous as all get out and the butterflies are doing Cirque du Soleil in my stomach.

... Have I mentioned I don't like counseling? ...

Yes, I will go though. My friend in TX is already holding me accountable to it :P (That and at this point I would be paying for it either way since it is under 24 hrs)...

I think I had better make sure to bring the Klenex with me.

Candice

[Chickhe]

Here's my cure... do the thngs you are scared to do...you gain confidence and it helps you separate reality from fantasy. ...post your story somewhere and tell people about it... if it scares you post it somewhere that you know no one.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Deep breath Candice, You are going to be fine.


Julia

[RachelOKC]

T-5.5 Hrs.

As thought, I did NOT get good sleep last night

Nervous as all get out and the butterflies are doing Cirque du Soleil in my stomach.

... Have I mentioned I don't like counseling? ...

Yes, I will go though. My friend in TX is already holding me accountable to it :P (That and at this point I would be paying for it either way since it is under 24 hrs)...

I think I had better make sure to bring the Klenex with me.

Candice

Very moving original post Candice, you honor your mother's memory well.

You'll do fine at your appointment, don't be afraid to share and don't be afraid to cry. I cry practically every time, LOL.

[eternal-c]

Back from counseling. Covered the general stuff for about the first half of the session and then I pretty much had to force myself to get into why I was actually there.

I made it though, and I even feel a little more relaxed now... not a lot, but it's a start.

Exhausted though. I am definitely going to take a nap now.

Candice

[morgan51]

Way to go Candice I knew you could do it. I came to rather enjoy my sessions at my therapist. Have a great evening. Hugs to you ,it does get better. Your story made my eyes leak. Some never really experience Love I'm sure you did. Morgan